You would marry a divorced person, knowing that the bible states it is adultery?

[Peacefulcrusader]

This seems like such a big topic for those who have never been in a situation. I've heard many views and each one can defend their opinion.

I guess that you're right. It's easier for persons who haven't been in difficult situations to discuss these matters (well, I'm one of those who haven't been in that situation). At the same time I believe that we have to be balanced and look to what the Scriptures tell. When it comes to it I believe that we must hold the word of God as more important than feelings, even though it may be hard. That said, it could be possible to get arguments based on Scripture which may open up new views on any issue. At least, then we would base our thoughts on a sincere reading of the Bible.

 

[seoulsearch]

Although you're answering Speeder, I want to add a short note. I believe that it is perfectly allright to come to conclusions if it's based on a sincere study of the Bible. The problem is that sometimes we base arguments purely on feelings. If it is possible to base the ideas you're sharing on biblical teaching, then it would be great if you could share.

In Christ, Magnus

Your church may be different, but in my church, there are the examples such as of David and his companions who, feeling they were on the brink of starving, ate the sacred bread from the temple--clearly a no-no, and an example that Jesus uses.

Jesus Himself, it seemed, loved to heal people on the Sabbath. In fact, it almost seems as if He would wake up on the Sabbath and purposely look around for someone to heal, as He is recorded as doing so several times, always in plain view of the highest religious leaders of the day. I've always found this very intriguing.

Working on the Sabbath was again, another no-no. But Jesus could not sin.

He told the religious leaders of the day, "If you have an animal that is lost on the Sabbath, will you not go after it?"

This is just the way I have been brought up in my church--that Jesus' point was, laws were made to benefit people--people, and their needs, were not meant to be completely sacrificed to the altar of the law.

Now, I am NOT saying, of course, "Go ahead and break the law!!! As long as you feel your need justifies it, anything goes!!" But my pastors also point out that in some cases, people are more concerned about how well you follow the strictest interpretations of the law rather than God's Spirit of concern for human beings behind it.

As far as I have been taught in my church, and I do understand that there are many disagreements, sometimes divorce is beyond our control, and remarriage is sometimes, not always, but sometimes a possibility.

Jesus also taught us that the person without sin should be the first to throw stones--as I pointed out in another post, He also taught that to look at another with lust in their heart is to commit adultery.

That particular post was never answered... I was curious to see how it would play out.

I myself used to be about as judgmental of divorce and those who were divorced as a person can get, seeing as my family is small and has no history of divorce except for myself.

God has a way of tapping you on the arm... and making you drop the stone you are all too ready to throw at someone else.

I am also curious if Speeder is asking this because he, or maybe someone he knows, is in love with someone who is divorced?

 

[seoulsearch]

I am also curious as well... for any of you out there who have parents that were divorced and are remarried--does this mean you should encourage your parents to divorce their current spouse and remain single for the rest of their lives so that they will avoid the sin of committing any further adultery with the person they are currently married to?

Just wondering how everyone feels about this...

 

[Blueberry]

May God spare you from the pain of a spouse who divorces you for someone else in your early 20's even though you've done all you can to get him or her to change their mind... You cannot force someone to stay with you.

May God give you understanding and compassion for the things you (I'm assuming) have not been through yourself.

And may you find peace and comfort from all the good, well-meaning Christians who tell you that you must spend the rest of your life alone, without any hope of ever having a companion again.

I totally agree with this Seoul. I am in one of those camps that had a marriage that I walked away from an extremely violent man. So Im in the bad naughty corner. I still fully believe in Christ who has forgiven me and set me free. I would love all the people who are so law bound, and not grace bound to look a man or woman in the eye that was divorced young in their early 20s or so and tell them they are going to live the rest of their life alone. I must be crazy, cause I actually believe in a God who gives second chances, who loves us, redeems us and covers us with his infinite love and GRACE.

On the other hand, I also accept that because so many christians hate remarriage and divorce, I might be spending the rest of my life alone. I accept that. I didnt at 25, but now at 37 I do.

 

[Pheonix]

You would marry a divorced person, knowing that the bible states it is adultery?

Several times, the bible says that divorcing is not allowed with a single exception (matter of uncoveredness, that seemly implies that it is marring with a women that claimed to be a virgin, but it is not), and that marring again after separating from someone, is adultery (separating, is allowed, divorce is not).

You are worrying about this form of adultery but how many wives and girlfriends did David have? Or solomon? or Abraham? The bible is littered with divorce, remarriage, and polygamy.

I did not long ago read, in Judges I think it was, a law about divorce and remarriage that stated that it could occur but the two could not later decide to remarry after they'd been married to someone else in between.

 

[Pheonix]

I am also curious as well... for any of you out there who have parents that were divorced and are remarried--does this mean you should encourage your parents to divorce their current spouse and remain single for the rest of their lives so that they will avoid the sin of committing any further adultery with the person they are currently married to?

Just wondering how everyone feels about this...

SO you would have them forswear their current oath? Twice wrong doesn't make a right!

 

[seoulsearch]

SO you would have them forswear their current oath? Twice wrong doesn't make a right!

Right, exactly my point, Pheonix... that's why I was asking for opinions, because I am curious as to what people would think was more sinful... divorcing or remarryiing... and how it would be "corrected" if one were remarried so that the person can go...

and sin no more.

Of course!

In other words, if remarrying is adultery, are they allowed to stay in the adulterous marriage?

 

[OreoSoleil]

What about if there are kids involved -- it becomes a crazy mess then

 

[JMans1187]

You would marry a divorced person, knowing that the bible states it is adultery?

Several times, the bible says that divorcing is not allowed with a single exception (matter of uncoveredness, that seemly implies that it is marring with a women that claimed to be a virgin, but it is not), and that marring again after separating from someone, is adultery (separating, is allowed, divorce is not).

I personally would marry a divorcee, if he was a godly man that would strengthen my walk with Christ rather than drag me down! Here is my twist on this subject concerning the uncoveredness..... I am 23 and pregnant with my third child.. out of wedlock! Three babies, three dads! I've made my share of bad decisions, but now am stronger because I have ask Jesus to forgive my wrong doings! Does this mean I dont deserve to ever be married? I believe I have the right to meet and marry a God fearing man, and I belive Jesus would be a huge part of it! I dont think he would condemn me! Just my thoughts on the matter!

 

[CatWoman]

I really think we need to get it out of our heads that if someone is alone there is something wrong with them.One is a whole number.

 

[DABEARS85]

The problem with society nowadays is that almost 90% of all divorces happen because of the wife's choosing. There can be any number of reasons WHY, but the wife is almost ALWAYS the one who wants to break off the marriage. The husband could have cheated, or beaten her, or any number of things that would justify it, but that is just a small point. There are quite a few times that the wife just gets bored and sees other men, and she wants her cake and eat it too. People nowadays just do not respect the act of marriage as a covenant for life. Wives are usually the ones that cheat nowadays anyway. There are quite a bit of cases that the wife finds herself a new lover and divorces her old husband, in which case the husband also loses half of all he owns. Women who do that are frankly quite evil with all the power they are given in today's society to get away with things like this. You don't see the husband getting cheated on and him getting half of everything SHE owns. You see the opposite mostly. This is why I just cannot respect women who divorce their husbands, despite the reasoning. Unless he severely beats you and/or cheats and he only started doing far AFTER you married him, you should never divorce your husband. It is wrong and I hope God punishes you to the fullest extent of His wrath. The real reasoning I say this is because almost everyone truly knows how a person is going to be BEFORE you marry them. If you live with a person just for a couple months, you will know exactly who they will be in the future. If he beat you before you got married, you never should have agreed to marry him afterword. To marry him and then cite abuse as a reasoning if there was prior abuse is strictly your own fault, and I believe you are in the wrong for ever joining into that marriage. You should stay with him and try your best to get him to stop through whatever means you have, and divorce should be the very very very last option. Cheating is obviously a reason to divorce someone, but if they did it before you married, I think the same things apply. If the person did it before you marry, then you already knew better once you agreed to marry them. Promises are never kept by humans when they did things in the past. Once a cheater always a cheater. Once an abuser, always an abuser. My thought is, divorce should always be a last option, ESPECIALLY if the person you marry did it prior to your marriage. You should always know the person you are marrying far before you marry them. This is why I cannot understand why people have shotgun weddings after meeting someone after only 3 months. That is a divorce waiting to happen.

This is just my opinion, but abuse and/or cheating is the only reason I could ever see divorce as a viable option, and only after every other option has been exhausted. Falling out of love is NOT a legitimate excuse to divorce your husband/wife. You chose to marry that person for better or for worse, sickness and health. This means you should stay with that person EVEN if you fall out of love with them for whatever reason if it wasn't because of cheating/physical abuse. Emotional abuse is also not even close to the same thing. Counseling is there for a reason, and if you cannot communicate properly with your spouse, there was a problem far before you got married. You made the choice to be with someone for the rest of your life, so you should own up to it.

So once again, WOMEN I am talking mainly to you, but men also. I just know statistics on this issue is mainly that WOMEN initiate 90% of divorces. You all know you have the power to take everything a man has and to ruin his life, and so you should use that power with great care. Emotional abuse is not abuse enough to divorce. You should communicate and fix that. Physical abuse is completely different and acceptable to end things, but even then you should do your best to alleviate that type of behavior before you choose divorce. Cheating is the one thing I will say could be an immediate cause for divorce, and that is only because the Bible says it is so. The bible doesn't mention abuse as a rightful reason to break off a marriage, and so you should never have chosen to marry someone who would hit you in the first place. All that being said, once again... if that person had prior behavior... you have no one to blame but yourself for choosing to marry them. I will not feel bad for you at that point, because you chose an abusive partner who you knew would continue deep down, and you could have chosen plenty of other men in the world. Perhaps they weren't as rich, good looking, or the "alpha" male you were once looking for, but they would've been better for you in the long run. You choose your life and your fate with a "yes" when your spouse asks you to marry them. Own up to it and grow up is my thought.

If this pisses you off... well go ahead and be mad. If your spouse never cheated or physically abused you and you divorce, I sincerely hope you stay single for the rest of your life. You probably ruined your husband's life by choosing to divorce him when he gave everything he had (even if he didn't have much) to you, and so you do not deserve to remarry. You should have stuck with your life changing decision in the first place, and you should definitely not be taking half of all he has in the process. It is wrong and I sincerely HATE divorce. I do not like when people marry too soon or too young, because those are the type of people that don't take marriage seriously for what it really is.

I'm sorry if this is abrasive, but the divorce rate at this time period is at an all time high in the history of the world. Honestly, ever since the women's sexual revolution and feminism took charge to the point where women believe they are "better" than men now (I don't mean their right to vote or get jobs, but their idea that men are all pigs and women are the Queens of the world type feminism), the world has been riddled with divorce. It ruins spouse's, your children's, and your family's lives. It is probably the most selfish thing on earth to divorce someone simply because you do not love them anymore. Once you make a choice to marry, you should do all that is in your power as a human and as a christian to keep that marriage going with God as the head of it. Aside from actual cheating/physical abuse, I really don't see any reason to ever divorce.

 

[grace]

oh my.......I am not even sure what to say here.

Basically, after reading that last post...I feel very, very sad that someone...anyone or society as a whole, upon hearing that I am divorced would ASSUME that I am divorced because of my own choosing, because I got bored, because someone else caught my eye..or simply because I gave up and was not putting my marriage under Christ.

With that being said...I decided to post what I posted a link to above. This is now the third time I have posted this exact same thing...and that should tell you it is because this is obviously a subject I am personal about!!
This is MY LIFE that another person has messed around with. My life and the lives of my children. Because of that I am now stricken with the reality that all sorts of assumptions are placed upon me because of the choices of another.

Hopefully the person that posted above me will read this and re-think some things. There are some really good people out there that just have bad things happen.

AND...on one other note....how can it possibly be that it is mostly women that cheat??? At my last calculation...it takes two? Correct. So the numbers are quite equel in my book.

Here is the re-post:

I am divorced (unfortunatly).

We were married in Jan. of 2001. He was never really ever commited to our marriage. From early on he was very distant and gone a lot and emotionally detatched.

Of course I did not find this acceptable or what I dreamed of for marriage. I had us in counceling numerous times from the beginning. He would initially go, but then quit...for no real reason sometimes and at other times would say it was because the problem was me and not him...and yet other times he would say there was no problem at all.

There would be days, that would often turn into a week or more that he would just not come home. I would never know where he was. He would not (or could not) hold down a job. Financially things were always quite stressful due to this.

In Sept. 2006, he informed me that he was filing for divorce. I will be honest that I was shocked, because although we did not have any semblance of a marriage, the guy had it made. Whenever he did come home, there were always meals for him and clean clothes in his dresser and closet. His lunch was always made for himand ready for him by the door for when he would leave for work, tolietries always purchased and ready for him to use.
It drove my friends crazy that I still *served* him despite his treatment of me and not helping with the children and total UNinvolvement in our lives etc.
But, I believed that I was still his wife despite what he did. Scripture did not tell me that I was to fulfill my roll as his wife ONLY if he fulfilled his roll as a husband. The instructions given to me (and all wives through scripture) were how we were to be a wife and do ALL things as unto the Lord. (sooooooo NOT easy!!)

I am not a dumb girl...I knew deep down inside that he had not been faithful in the marriage, although I did not have proof until after I was served with divorce papers.
Once served with the papers, I had some really, really tough choices to make. Everything in me as a human had thoughts of "this is my way out"...."he wants to leave, so now I can move on." BUT, I believed that the word of God instructed me that my vows were not something to be shelved just because I did not "feel" them towards this man. That my roll as his wife was to cease because he showed no receptiveness to wanting me as his wife any longer. The word of God told me to cling to the cross even more and extend Grace that he does not deserve just as God does for us everyday. (again, sooooooo not easy!)

With that all being said, I contested the divorce. You should have seen my friends uproar now lol They would continually ask me why I would put myself in a position in any way to stay in the situation when he clearly wanted out. Again, I would repeat to them that I was not responsible for what he did, only for how I reacted to it. I had a roll to fill as his wife, and as long as I was married to him....that roll was going to be filled and I was going to fight.

Noone understood where I was coming from. I think they all thought I went off the deep end. lol It saddened me deeply acctually because these were all people from christian circles I belonged to. How did they stray so far from the gospel when it comes to marriage...? How could they be giving me advice to leave and take care of myself, (ie: be selfish), when scripture says just the opposite. I was quite alone in that journey.

With that opposition from christians, along with their constant comments of; "your young, you will meet someone else and get married again." etc....I was like, wait...I AM MARRIED NOW! Why are you saying these things to me..? Are you not giving God any room here to work at all..??? It was such a hard place to be in all alone.
Since I was faced with these things (almost forced to face them)...I felt like I had better figure out what scripture says about divorce and remarriage etc. And then figure out how that fits for me.

I studied a lot myself...then I consulted some people I really trust that were very mature in their faith and who I felt like the fruits of their life matched what they were telling others to live.

This is what I ended up concluding. (as it applies to my situation and situation similiar):

He was the one that was unfaithful in the marriage. (adultery)
He is the one that left the union (emotionally and legally)
I was the one that held on and stood on my faith and followed through with what I promised him in Jan. of 2001 before God.

The state I live in will grant the divorce anyway even if one person does not want it. That is what ended up happening in our situation..I contested it for so long that the judge finally just signed off on it to get it out of his courtroom. (reason being living seperate and apart for 12 months or greater).

I believe that I would be allowed to remarry another man, as long as these criteria were met; that he a: was never married, b: widowed, or c: divorced, BUT only because his wife was unfaithful and she was the one to leave.

I know MANY dissagree with me on this. But I feel at peace. Some might dissagree because they think you can remarry under any circumstances...or some may dissagree because they think once divorced, single you should remain. And that is fine...I will respect that they feel this way. I did not come to these conclusion lightly, or selfishly.

I know I went on a bit...but I wanted to give some background as to what brought me to this place in my life and the current stance I hold.

 

[kiwi_OT]

This is an interesting topic - one that Im still struggling to understand.

I have read the bible enough to know that divorce is wrong but only allowed for adultery.
My mothers first husband (my biological father), was an undiagnosed paranoid schziphrenic. They met at church. During their marriage my father cross dressed secretly, enjoyed acting in a feminine manner while paranoid that the govt was spying on him and my brother who was 3, was trying to poison him. After my father hit my mother when she confronted him about a lot of skeletons she ran away with my brother and I, fearing for all of our safety. Six months later he disappeared into thin air and I didnt meet him again til I was 18. My mother never recieved child support from him. Between that time he became a buddhist and a 'drag queen'.

When I was 5, my mother remarried again, this time to another guy she met at a singles group at church. After two years of marriage, he isolated my mother from her family, forced her to quit church and pressured her to give up work. He also beat me and my brother up frequently when she wasnt around. When I started highschool he tried to mollest me on numerous times, and when I figured out I could call the police he then started stalking me, assaulting my boyfriends and emotionally abusing me. I eventually left home and developed PTSD. Not long after my mother seperated from him and she is now divorced.

I pray every day that for once my mother would not fear meeting men in church and that she would meet a man who loved Jesus and loved her. Many would think my mother was not entitled to a divorce to my father, because he never cheated on her maritally. And when she divorced her second husband the church she was going to encouraged her to leave because she could not stay married to a man who may not have raped me but certainly treated me like a second wife and had caused me a lot of pain as well as my brother and herself. Nor was he ever sorry for what he did.

I dont know... I will ask Jesus about it one day when I meet him again..

 

[DABEARS85]

This is MY LIFE that another person has messed around with. My life and the lives of my children. Because of that I am now stricken with the reality that all sorts of assumptions are placed upon me because of the choices of another.

I'm not saying it can be strictly the wife's fault. I'm just going by statistics as the wife being the one that initiating things. This by far doesn't mean the men can't do it too, and so I strongly feel the same way about men who divorce their wives for anything other than cheating/physical abuse.

My main point is that falling out of love is NOT a good reason to divorce your spouse, despite the sex. I'm sorry that this has happened to you in your life, but I was never being specific with your case either. I am generalizing with a lot of cases that I've seen in my life thus far.

When I was in the US Navy, I've seen about an 80% divorce rate. Women would marry their husbands, we would go off to sea for 6 months (which is hard on BOTH spouses, definitely not an easy thing, but they both knew what they were getting into) and the wife would be at home cheating up a storm on the husband. Afterword, she would divorce him and take everything he ever had, and the military FORCES the men to pay alimony for as long as he is in, despite the reasoning for the divorce. Women knew this and used men completely.

One case was a guy on my sub. We were in a foreign port and he tried using his debit card to actually buy his WIFE a few gifts he thought she would like. He kept getting declined. He later found out that his wife had been cheating on him nonstop with another sailor back home. He got home to find that all his money was withdrawn from his account, his house was on foreclosure for non payment (along with all his other bills), everything he ever owned was GONE (a bare house, all the furniture was sold), his dog was gone, and his wife had maxed out all his credit cards by buying anything and everything, including a couple of cars. To top this off, she ran off and he never saw her again until the divorce proceedings. The Navy made him pay alimony to her afterword too. She completely destroyed his finances, his physical appearance, and his sanity for the rest of his life.

He later committed suicide, and blew his brains out with a gun while on the lower deck of our boat. I was one of the few people who had to clean his brains off of the bulkhead by orders of my master chief.


I saw stories like this and it truly makes me realize how evil and terrible divorce is. I hate it with all that is in me, and it even makes young men like me AFRAID to get married for how evil women can be. He loved his wife, and she completely destroyed everything he had as a person. She took his soul, and he killed himself for it. Women have that power in marriages now because you fought for it through feminism, and even if the intentions were good, there are so many EVIL women out there that I have seen that I truly wish this never was the case. Divorce rate is at an all time high in history nowadays, and when I see statistics say 90% of women initiate the divorce, it makes me sick.

I understand the reversal can happen as well, so I'm not placing it all on women... but your story really does nothing to me compared to the things I have seen while in the Navy.

Women have the power to take a man and destroy him completely in every way possible through divorce. I truly dislike it, and no... it does NOT always take two. He never did anything wrong to his wife whatsoever in his life as far as I knew. He never was unfaithful or abusive. She was simply just an evil woman who wanted to con him out of everything he had.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I can relate to what your saying about the navy part. It's sadly very true.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

You always seem to aim things toward how horrible women are, but since you have been in the military i'm sure you have seen married men that go on deployment and cheat on their wives.

 

[seoulsearch]

DABEARS--I can certainly understand your point of view and I am very sorry for your co-workers--I feel very sad for what our military families are going through right now and you make some very important points.

My point is not to argue at all but just to tell a bit of what I've seen as well. I'll try to make it short.

I was crazy in love with my husband and we married when I was 23. I'm from a wonderful, loving family (parents, two sets of grandparents, and two brothers) amongst whom the only thing that breaks up their marriages is death, but my husband was from the opposite--parents who were married and put each other through hell, yet remained married. Some of this included regularly bringing home other significant others while one parent was gone, kids who were beaten bloody, and a wife who would accuse her husband of molesting their children and call the police when she was ticked off at him.

My husband has both physical (long marks across his back) and mental scars, obviously. When we had the problems all young newlyweds had, he retreated, moved into our guest bedroom, and we lived on opposite sides of the house for much of our 2-year marriage. When I would try to talk to him, he would leave and go to his friend's, and of course, living that way, there was little to no sex involved (he never even tried with me once it got to that point and if I tried to approach him, he walked right past me and out of the house.)

My parents told me to try harder. My Mom told me to make good dinners and "tell him you're sorry." Ok... except that I wasn't sure of what I should be sorry for. I lived that way for a long time. Finally, one day I came home from work, and, walking into our office, thought, "Wow, he actually cleaned his desk." But suddenly, a deep panic rose up in my heart, and I ran to the closet.

All his things were gone. He had moved out while I was at work. I had no idea where he was. I finally tracked him down at work, and he informed me that he had found another place to live. Weeks later, I received papers in the mail that announced, "YOU ARE BEING SUED FOR DIVORCE."

My parents are devoutly Christian and my father told me he was sorry I wasn't woman enough or strong enough to hold my marriage together. I felt like my head was cracking in two. It was the one time they weren't there for me.

The reason I feel so much sympathy for other people who are divorced is because I had no idea my husband had found someone else. In the state where I live, it takes at least 6 months for a divorce to go through. The last time I ever saw him was at my court date. He never spoke to me again, except one time, to get something back that he'd forgotten and left behind.

About a year after he left, a friend of mind called me in the middle of the night. "Kim," she said, "I'm sorry to call this late, but you really need to hear this." She had found out that my ex had gone to be with another girl we had worked with as soon as he'd left me. They broke up and had only been together a few months. The reason he had called and asked me for that object back that he'd left behind was because it belonged to his girlfriend and she was demanding that back.

But up until that time, I had no clue as to why he left like that--people can call me naive but I always take people at their word and if they're not telling me anything, I have nothing to go on. He was good at keeping secrets because of his childhood, and I had trusted him fully. For a full year, I had no idea why he divorced me, and of course, many of the good Christians told me I could never marry again. I was an old dried up hag with no future at the age of 25. And they wondered why I spiraled into a depression that landed me in the hospital, which of course, is another story.

I suppose I should be glad to find out that he was cheating on me? Should I feel that this gives me some glimmer of hope that I may remarry again? I feel for all those who are divorced and, like me, had no "spiritually legal" option at the time--or at least, didn't know of one.

I was fully and legally divorced for a year before I ever went out on a date--my ex-husband had been gone for well over a year and a half, almost two years. I've had two relationships since my divorce, and have chosen to remain single for about 7 years now, though I have dated some.

I feel for ALL people, both men and women, who are left behind... especially for someone else.

 

[DABEARS85]

You always seem to aim things toward how horrible women are, but since you have been in the military i'm sure you have seen married men that go on deployment and cheat on their wives.

yes I have... so you are right... men did it too

I'm not always trying to make women sound so terrible... I think I just have my own theories about a lot of things... and I've seen a lot of good men lose their souls and their entire being because of a few evil women. I just have never seen the same type of effect on the women that the women have had on the men all things being equal. I just think women have far more control on a man's soul once he commits to her than a man does on a woman. Women can find new men far easier in most cases than men can in women. It's just the way of the world.

So, forgive me for making women sound more of a culprit in all of this than men. I have just seen far more cases of women ruining a man's life than the reversal. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it just hasn't happened in my own limited experiences as much as women did it to men. That's all.

 

[DABEARS85]

DABEARS--I can certainly understand your point of view and I am very sorry for your co-workers--I feel very sad for what our military families are going through right now and you make some very important points.

My point is not to argue at all but just to tell a bit of what I've seen as well. I'll try to make it short.

I was crazy in love with my husband and we married when I was 23. I'm from a wonderful, loving family (parents, two sets of grandparents, and two brothers) amongst whom the only thing that breaks up their marriages is death, but my husband was from the opposite--parents who were married and put each other through hell, yet remained married. Some of this included regularly bringing home other significant others while one parent was gone, kids who were beaten bloody, and a wife who would accuse her husband of molesting their children and call the police when she was ticked off at him.

My husband has both physical (long marks across his back) and mental scars, obviously. When we had the problems all young newlyweds had, he retreated, moved into our guest bedroom, and we lived on opposite sides of the house for much of our 2-year marriage. When I would try to talk to him, he would leave and go to his friend's, and of course, living that way, there was little to no sex involved (he never even tried with me once it got to that point and if I tried to approach him, he walked right past me and out of the house.)

My parents told me to try harder. My Mom told me to make good dinners and "tell him you're sorry." Ok... except that I wasn't sure of what I should be sorry for. I lived that way for a long time. Finally, one day I came home from work, and, walking into our office, thought, "Wow, he actually cleaned his desk." But suddenly, a deep panic rose up in my heart, and I ran to the closet.

All his things were gone. He had moved out while I was at work. I had no idea where he was. I finally tracked him down at work, and he informed me that he had found another place to live. Weeks later, I received papers in the mail that announced, "YOU ARE BEING SUED FOR DIVORCE."

My parents are devoutly Christian and my father told me he was sorry I wasn't woman enough or strong enough to hold my marriage together. I felt like my head was cracking in two. It was the one time they weren't there for me.

The reason I feel so much sympathy for other people who are divorced is because I had no idea my husband had found someone else. In the state where I live, it takes at least 6 months for a divorce to go through. The last time I ever saw him was at my court date. He never spoke to me again, except one time, to get something back that he'd forgotten and left behind.

About a year after he left, a friend of mind called me in the middle of the night. "Kim," she said, "I'm sorry to call this late, but you really need to hear this." She had found out that my ex had gone to be with another girl we had worked with as soon as he'd left me. They broke up and had only been together a few months. The reason he had called and asked me for that object back that he'd left behind was because it belonged to his girlfriend and she was demanding that back.

But up until that time, I had no clue as to why he left like that--people can call me naive but I always take people at their word and if they're not telling me anything, I have nothing to go on. He was good at keeping secrets because of his childhood, and I had trusted him fully. For a full year, I had no idea why he divorced me, and of course, many of the good Christians told me I could never marry again. I was an old dried up hag with no future at the age of 25. And they wondered why I spiraled into a depression that landed me in the hospital, which of course, is another story.

I suppose I should be glad to find out that he was cheating on me? Should I feel that this gives me some glimmer of hope that I may remarry again? I feel for all those who are divorced and, like me, had no "spiritually legal" option at the time--or at least, didn't know of one.

I was fully and legally divorced for a year before I ever went out on a date--my ex-husband had been gone for well over a year and a half, almost two years. I've had two relationships since my divorce, and have chosen to remain single for about 7 years now, though I have dated some.

I feel for ALL people, both men and women, who are left behind... especially for someone else.

I am truly sorry that this happened to you seoul. This is terrible... and is wrong on every level of him. This was not your fault. You shouldn't have blamed yourself, and your parents were wrong on all levels to have blamed you as well. Being a devout christian also means to love and support, not to judge. My previous posts were a lot out of anger for the evil women I've seen, but that isn't to say that men can't be just as evil. You definitely didn't deserve this, and I am truly sorry you had to go through this in your life. I hope you do find the right guy one day in your life that will truly show you how you should be treated as a women, with love and respect. Your ex husband definitely didn't do that, and he deserves whatever punishment God gives him for such a thing.

He initiated the divorce. This wasn't your fault, and so I truly cannot believe you would be an adulterer to remarry. All you need to do is pray, and I'm sure you will get the right answer. If you want my own opinion based on biblical truths, I would say you are completely free and clear to remarry and God WILL place someone in your life that will heal all the old scars and they will treat and love you exactly the way you deserve to be loved. I'll pray for you, and I apologize if my previous posts made you feel less than warrented to remarry or anything like that. My posts were more geared toward people like your husband who were completely in the wrong and who deserve to be alone in their lives. You, on the other hand, deserve someone who will truly love and cherish you for the amazing person you really are

 

[seoulsearch]

I am truly sorry that this happened to you seoul. This is terrible... and is wrong on every level of him. This was not your fault. You shouldn't have blamed yourself, and your parents were wrong on all levels to have blamed you as well. Being a devout christian also means to love and support, not to judge. My previous posts were a lot out of anger for the evil women I've seen, but that isn't to say that men can't be just as evil. You definitely didn't deserve this, and I am truly sorry you had to go through this in your life. I hope you do find the right guy one day in your life that will truly show you how you should be treated as a women, with love and respect. Your ex husband definitely didn't do that, and he deserves whatever punishment God gives him for such a thing.

He initiated the divorce. This wasn't your fault, and so I truly cannot believe you would be an adulterer to remarry. All you need to do is pray, and I'm sure you will get the right answer. If you want my own opinion based on biblical truths, I would say you are completely free and clear to remarry and God WILL place someone in your life that will heal all the old scars and they will treat and love you exactly the way you deserve to be loved. I'll pray for you, and I apologize if my previous posts made you feel less than warrented to remarry or anything like that. My posts were more geared toward people like your husband who were completely in the wrong and who deserve to be alone in their lives. You, on the other hand, deserve someone who will truly love and cherish you for the amazing person you really are

Hey, DaBears ,

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words. Funny you should mention that my ex might be punished by God... actually... someone found me on Facebook last summer and it was heartbreak all over again. My ex-husband had yelled at me that marriage was hell and he'd never do it again. I very much wanted a family with him but he didn't even want to talk about it.

I found out my ex is living in his dream location, has his dream job, remarried, and has at least one baby. I felt as if my heart had been torn out all over again.

So, it's come to be a complete circle, which is including forgiveness but struggling with a sense of anger--"God, is THIS what you do with people who hurt us so badly? You REWARD them?" I'm still wrestling with that, so I can COMPLETELY understand your anger at how some of your friends and co-workers were treated by their spouses. I also know that I am NOT perfect by any means and made plenty of my own mistakes as well.

I am still wondering if Speeder asked this because he has been attracted to someone who is divorced, or knows someone who is contemplating such a situation.

I think that if God has convicted you to avoid marrying someone who has been divorced, then of course, you should go with what He has for your life.

I just become very sad when I see divorced people all labeled as evil adulterers. As I said, if my friend had not found out and let me know, I would not have even known my husband had someone else.

I've heard some people say, "Well, my mother went through hell and when my father divorced her, she never got remarried... if she can survive it, you can too," or, "I realize you're trying to justify your sins with your emotions, but you're still an adulterer who cannot remarry."

As I wrote in my first post, Jesus said adultery is committed in the heart, with lust and thoughts. By that definition, who of us is 100% free of adultery?

Yes, I know we need to obey the law with all of our might. But it's interesting to me that Jesus' harshest words were not for the tax collectors, prostitutes, and sinners--His most biting words were for the religious leaders of the day. He called them "vipers" and said they did nothing to help the people carry their burdens. And these were the people who claimed to know God best--they were EXPERTS at making sure people obeyed the laws.

I personally wonder if Jesus purposely looked around on Sabbaths for someone to heal, just to get their goat. Working on the Sabbath day was against the law, but Jesus did it anyway, saying the needs of the people were served by the law, not that people's needs were to be completely sacrificed to the law. I know it's a tough call in some cases--but if the answer is always carried in the strictest interpretations of the law, why did God even bother sending Jesus at all?

If we enforce the law ruthlessly without any hint of mercy or grace, what will God say to us when we get to heaven? "Well done, my good and faithful servants..."

Or, "You brood of vipers... you whitewashed graves... you hypocrites..." Will God be more angry that we couldn't get people to follow the laws perfectly, or that we couldn't remember the people whom the laws were written to serve?

Just a few thoughts. And I throw myself into the group as well--I'm certainly not an exemption.