The most annoying thing about my relationships

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Theygaveutheirworst

Theygaveutheirworst

Senior Member
#1
Jun 25, 2010
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#1
and maybe yours as well...

It's amazing how people can play so nice with you in a relationship/friendship until that one day they become comfortable enough being around you that they start showing their unpleasant side that you didn't know was there- use your imagination on that one. It might sound crazy to some of you, but it's like they were faking some of there personality just so you would like them. It's crazy how some people will change their own behaviour just to have someone like them. Then they manage to show their true colors after they have "won" that person over. It's kind of sad when the person you "adored" becomes a totally different person after a few weeks of dating. Honestly, It's makes me feel like I'v fallen into a well planned trap to decieve me- which I guess it was. It definitely has changed my way of thinking when it comes to starting a new relationship with someone. Or maybe I should just learn how to get to know someone better before I date them.:rolleyes:
 
NightOwl

NightOwl

Banned
#2
Jun 20, 2010
71
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That's why I think it's important to be transparent in the beginning of a relationship. Imagine if, on your wedding night, your new spouse of a few hours decides to tell you that they've had sex before, or they have an std, or something, and you're still taking your wedding clothes off...

I'm not saying that we should flaunt everything about ourselves, but if something we're currently dealing with needs to be addressed, then I think they need a heads up. Example: Your buddies want you to go to the club with them, but you're a recovering alcoholic, and you don't want to put yourself in that situation. You know that you can't trust yourself with that kind of temptation. Should you tell everyone who gives you the time of day that you struggle with alcohol? No.
 
C

ChristianGuru

Guest
#3
#3
I don't think it's always as devised as one may think. How many times during college did I see groups of random people get along in the first week or two of the semester and then implode into arch enemies. Everyone is open minded towards making friends, and then when we are around people for a period of time they begin to get on our nerves or vice versa.
 
eugenius

eugenius

Senior Member
#4
Jul 17, 2009
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That's why I believe people should live together and get to know each other for at least a year before getting married. So many divorces happen because of what you said man. In fact most of them.
 
D

Dread_Zeppelin

Guest
#5
#5
Are you mad that the girls you're dating have a bad past or just that they're mean people when you look past the surface? Because if they've had a bad past I'm sure they're not going to rattle off all the things they regret and ask for a date. Rule number 1 is not to talk about your ex, I can't imagine how far you'd run if a girl talked about drugs, depression, or sex and sweetly asked about a first date.

I think everyone has the need to be loved. Instead of making this out to be a horrible thing I'd make it a compliment that people want you to like them and you can have all these dates. Maybe you're not giving girls enough grace- everyone has an ugly side. Or maybe you're just not dating the right people. Look for a Godly women first and she'd realize how sinful she is and would consistantly work on her attitude.

You're not one of those guys who date a girl just cause she's pretty right? lol then I wouldn't feel sorry for you.
 
D

Dread_Zeppelin

Guest
#6
#6
eugenius said:
That's why I believe people should live together and get to know each other for at least a year before getting married. So many divorces happen because of what you said man. In fact most of them.
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I wouldn't do that. Moving in together is a worldly solution. It sets people up for temptation and its just inappropriate. How about you get to know someone for 3 or 4 years before you get married? Plus many people get divorced because they are lazy about working out their marriage and not focused on Christ and His teachings about how to love one another. You know what the number one reason people divorce is? Arguments over money.
 
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NodMyHeadLikeYeah

Guest
#7
#7
Thats why you should never get comfortable with another. I recommend talking once a week for 30.5 minutes, and seeing each other maybe once a month. You know what they say absence makes the heart grow fonder! Or makes your significant other cheat on you... which ever one
 
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Credo_ut_Intelligam

Guest
#8
#8
It's amazing how people can play so nice with you in a relationship/friendship until that one day they become comfortable enough being around you that they start showing their unpleasant side that you didn't know was there- use your imagination on that one. It might sound crazy to some of you, but it's like they were faking some of there personality just so you would like them. It's crazy how some people will change their own behaviour just to have someone like them. Then they manage to show their true colors after they have "won" that person over. It's kind of sad when the person you "adored" becomes a totally different person after a few weeks of dating. Honestly, It's makes me feel like I'v fallen into a well planned trap to decieve me- which I guess it was. It definitely has changed my way of thinking when it comes to starting a new relationship with someone. Or maybe I should just learn how to get to know someone better before I date them.
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This isn’t just true of some people; it’s true of everyone to some degree (unless you’re socially abnormal). No one completely opens up to a stranger and shares all their personal, biographical, emotional, ideological etc. etc. data with them. That’s considered inappropriate. You “reveal” yourself more to those persons that you are more intimate with.

We don’t have the same level of intimacy with everyone. We have acquaintances, friends, close friends, and family (and extended family and immediate family). We reveal more of who we are to some people than others and this is the way it should be.

If I walked up to a stranger and started asking him for advice on an argument I had with my wife this morning I doubt he would say “Wow, finally someone who is willing to be honest and put aside the façade!” Instead he would probably think “Is this guy nuts? Why is he telling me?”

So in a sense everyone has a “façade.” That’s not necessarily a bad thing. And it often isn’t even a conscious thing. For instance, go babysit someone else’s kids for a day and see how you act around them. I guarantee it will be different than you would act around your own kids and probably without you consciously trying to act differently. We are less quick to show our temper or we have greater tolerance for kids that we are babysitting. The same is true of friendships and family members. If my brother comes to my house and doesn’t use a coaster for his beer I might say to him curtly “Use the coaster!” but if a friend of a friend comes to my house and doesn’t use a coaster for his beer I might not mention it at all. That’s not because I’m putting on a façade. It’s because I’m observing social norms.

Basically, I’m saying that perhaps you shouldn’t be so concerned about the other person having a “well planned trap to deceive.” I doubt that this is the case in most instances. It may just be that as you get to know the person better through the normal process of greater self-disclosure through intimacy that you discover you don’t like who the person is.

However, I don’t think your complaint is completely without merit. I know a lot of guys who do put on a façade just to make a girl like them.

That's why I believe people should live together and get to know each other for at least a year before getting married. So many divorces happen because of what you said man. In fact most of them.
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It’s probably true that most divorces happen because the guy turns out to be a jerk or lazy and the girl never knew about it prior to marriage. But the solution isn’t living together. At best, divorce rates are the same among those couples who have lived together prior to marriage and those who haven’t (source: Divorce May Be the Price of Living Together First - NYTimes.com).

The problem is guys without character who try to deceive and/or women who are naïve enough to not see the warning signs and/or a hundred other factors.
 
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J

jangel

Senior Member
#9
May 12, 2010
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It is a very common problem in every relationship, you just have to deal with it,lol. When a guy asks me what do I look for a guy , I always said I don't know. I don't want him to change just because I told him that this is what I want. I dated a guy before whom I didn't know who smoke but he's really nice and knowing I hated it he tried to stop it, there are times he said he can't control it and he puffed one to two sticks but he said he will really stop it but when I said, it wouldn't really work out on the two of us he go back smoking again.It doesn't really make sense trying to change for someone to like you whether it is a habit or attitude and for someone who fall inlove because of the good things you see on that person you're really hurting yourselves, try to look the bad things first coz we all have that and see if you can accept that .
 
Theygaveutheirworst

Theygaveutheirworst

Senior Member
#10
Jun 25, 2010
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Thanks for all the replies so far.

Look, I'm not asking that every girl I meet should just be straightforward with me and tell me all of her pro's and con's. Even if they had a bad history, I would look past it if they've managed to do the same. It sounds like I'm being naive when I talk about finding someone who can just be themselves when they're around me.
 
Crypto

Crypto

Senior Member
#11
Nov 14, 2009
662
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#11
Theygaveutheirworst said:
and maybe yours as well...

It's amazing how people can play so nice with you in a relationship/friendship until that one day they become comfortable enough being around you that they start showing their unpleasant side that you didn't know was there- use your imagination on that one. It might sound crazy to some of you, but it's like they were faking some of there personality just so you would like them. It's crazy how some people will change their own behaviour just to have someone like them. Then they manage to show their true colors after they have "won" that person over. It's kind of sad when the person you "adored" becomes a totally different person after a few weeks of dating. Honestly, It's makes me feel like I'v fallen into a well planned trap to decieve me- which I guess it was. It definitely has changed my way of thinking when it comes to starting a new relationship with someone. Or maybe I should just learn how to get to know someone better before I date them.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Dude I know what you mean...
 
Crypto

Crypto

Senior Member
#12
Nov 14, 2009
662
7
18
38
#12
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
Thats why you should never get comfortable with another. I recommend talking once a week for 30.5 minutes, and seeing each other maybe once a month. You know what they say absence makes the heart grow fonder! Or makes your significant other cheat on you... which ever one
Click to expand...

Or why not just let your parents arrange the marriage?? :D hahaha
 
Crypto

Crypto

Senior Member
#13
Nov 14, 2009
662
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#13
eugenius said:
That's why I believe people should live together and get to know each other for at least a year before getting married. So many divorces happen because of what you said man. In fact most of them.
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That's called sin.
 
NightOwl

NightOwl

Banned
#14
Jun 20, 2010
71
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#14
In spite of all our problems and difficulties, regardless of our shortcomings and flaws, God, who is infinitely sovereign, knows exactly who would be best suited for us to marry. (Assuming He does want us to get married.) Remember that there is a difference between God's perfect will and His permissive will. If we decide to wait on Him for His perfect will and give Him the right to do what He wants to do in our lives, then in His perfect time, He will knock on our door and present to us our own "glass slipper" that He has fashioned specifically for our feet. It may not sparkle and it sure won't be infallible, but it will be ours. (For those of you who haven't figured it out yet, the "glass slipper" represents the spouse God wants us to marry.)

Yeah, look, I know that sounds like a naive children's fairy tale! I'm not even sure I believe it myself. I do not know if God works like that, but it just occurred to me one day like an idea that popped into my head. And I'm not saying that God wants us to walk all over our spouse, either, so please don't twist my words up. If this has helped you, great. If it hasn't, oh well. Whatever. I'll live.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#15
May 23, 2009
16,757
5,655
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#15
ChristianGuru said:
I don't think it's always as devised as one may think. How many times during college did I see groups of random people get along in the first week or two of the semester and then implode into arch enemies. Everyone is open minded towards making friends, and then when we are around people for a period of time they begin to get on our nerves or vice versa.
Click to expand...

While I do understand what some people are saying when they share a bad experience regarding someone who may have seemed to turn into a creature out of the Exorcist during courting, I also think CG is making a good point here as well.

I'm not sure about everyone out there, but all my relationships have been long-term, and you're not going to see the full spectrum of someone's personality in a few weeks or months.

For instance, a past boyfriend sometimes comes looking for me where I work (and he's usually drunk), which greatly upsets me, because he keeps trying to talk to me even though it's been over 7 years since we broke up.

If it were something like that, and I happened to run into him, yes, I might be in a very testy mood or just plain quiet because if I were seeing someone and it had only been a week or two, I wouldn't know how to mention the subject without him thinking, "Oh, so all she can talk about are her exes!"

No, I just had a bad encounter with someone I have a bad history with and give me a little time to calm down... but I might not be sure how to explain that very well to someone I'd just started seeing.

I tend to go in the opposite direction, I will try to tell someone everything about myself and all my bad points as well in order to try to give them the "heads up"... I know this is a bit extreme as well, so hopefully I will have found some kind of a balance the next time I meet someone who is interested in me and vice versa.

I believe in being as honest and open as possible but sometimes, getting to know or get used to someone's personality quirks, and we all have them, just takes experience and time.
 
zeroturbulence

zeroturbulence

Senior Member
#17
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
4,316
113
#17
This is why I always break it off while things are still going great! :D

Of course then they stalk me and I have to file a restraining order but hey whats a little legal action compared to never having a relationship you regret! :D
Plus it seems to make me more attractive to women when they find out I have a few stalkers in my past :)
 
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Theygaveutheirworst

Theygaveutheirworst

Senior Member
#20
Jun 25, 2010
707
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#20
NodMyHeadLikeYeah said:
In order to do this, you must actually require a date first :D
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That was a burn!lol


Could you imagine this conversation though:

" Everything is going awesome in our relationship, dear. But I'v decided to end things now before it all starts going down hill between us. The last few months have been great, but I just can't take the risk of you becoming disinterested in me in the near future.... I'm sorry. Can we still be friends?"
 
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