To be content is a lesson I try to learn, and I think I am getting better at it. Step by step, with the occasional sigh of loneliness once in a while.
I don't believe a man can save me from loneliness. I have been lonely and married, and that was terrible. To be married to a person that owns the language, the friends and the society and not caring a thing seemingly for his wife was beyond awful. To see him flirt with his ex, and see the ex flirt with him even more over half a dozen beers or more, to hear him laugh at jokes I had no idea what meant was torture. To see my husband's ex in a happy chat with my in laws to whom I was not able to communicate with. That was the worst kind of loneliness.
I am lonely at times now, too. Sometimes it is just a frustration of not getting things done. The pictures should be hung up, the snow should be shoveld, the stairs should be painted.... And that can be fixed with a handyman, some cash and a free Saturday. The dogs keep me company and they bring life to my house. So does my Airbnb guests. So I don't need a man to save me from that loneliness, either. And I do have friends both IRL and online..... It is no reason for self pity.
I even get acknowledgement and positive feedback, even hugs, from my students. Sometimes even flatter. I am more well off than many in my situation.
Yet I still miss a special someone. Sexual frustration, yes. I feel dirty and sinful thinking or even allowing myself pleasure outside the sanctity of marriage. It brings more pain and sorrow than pleasure. But it is not that, either. I lived for over 20 years withouth knowing a thing about sex, and I never missed it or regretted not doing it.
What I miss is a parther in Christ that can help me fulfill a vision I got a few years back. A vision that seems more likely and more mature now than ever before. I miss someone to serve the Lord with, and to help serving the Lord. I miss a head. I miss a person to be one with, and to have a common past, present and future with.
Is that a saviour? No. Christ is my Lord and my Saviour. A person that fits what I long for, can not be found, but must be given from God. It doesn't contradict the fact that I am saved, it supports it.
As for now, I try, one minute, hour and day at the time, to be content. Perhaps it is just a dream or maybe a silly thought, but I rather wait for that special someone in the knowledge that God will provide me what I need to serve Him.
