Hi everyone - I have a bit of a unique situation which I've been unable to find advice on websites so I am seeking it out here. I was dating a girl for about four years and we lived together for three of those years. This was during our mid-20s and we are now both in our late-20s. At the time, we occasionally attended a Christian church but were not believers and were living very worldly and sinful lives. The relationship was extremely toxic with arguments occurring daily, extreme emotional outbursts and abuse by her, pornography usage by myself, excessive alcohol abuse by us both, etc. It finally ended when she befriended some Christian girls who encouraged her to admit to me that she had been sleeping with multiple men over the course of almost two years that we lived together. Three of the men were coworkers and/or clients (some of which are married men). These encounters would occur when she was traveling out of town for work. Most of these encounters were one night stands; however, with one of her coworkers she maintained a mental and emotional relationship for over a year (he also had a girlfriend). She went to great lengths to hide her betrayals from me and I didn't have the slightest clue that any of this was going on. I later found out that this wasn't uncommon for her as her previous relationship of over four years also ended due to her cheating.
The breakup affected us both greatly but it actually did a wonderful thing. At the time of the breakup I was living in another city and found my way into an amazing church. I got involved in community and began to understand that sin is what has caused all the destruction in my life. After a few months, I reached out to my ex in order to discuss what happened and find forgiveness. I was pleased to find out that those same group of Christian girls invited her into community and were helping her fight against her own struggles with sin. After seeing the change in her heart and what God has done for her, I decided that I would continue our communication in order to fully find forgiveness. It's been over a year since our breakup and she has grown into one of the most Godly women I have ever met. She spends time in the Word daily, has become extremely knowledgable and wise in the gospel, has been baptized, serves in multiple areas at her church, has surrounded herself by community, and puts God first in each and every decision she makes. It has been a complete 180 degree change from the woman I knew only 18 months ago and is such a strong testament to God's power.
We both still very much care for each other and have been attempting to remedy our relationship, even going as far as being "exclusive" again until we figure things out. Our new relationship has been fantastic, it has been God centered and selfless. We spend time each day praying together and reading together. We push each other to be better Christians and we have gotten rid of our worldly sin. It has helped me find forgiveness for her; however, even with these changes I still struggle with issues of trust. These issues reside from the fact that she still works at the same job and spends 40+ hours per week sitting only feet away from the men she had physical relationships and used to maliciously lie to me for years. Since the day we started talking again almost a year ago, I told her that I would never be back in a relationship with her while she was employed at the same job. She doesn't want to leave her job and doesn't understand why this is such an issue for me. It took several months but she reluctantly agreed to begin a job search. I have to twist her arm to apply for jobs so it is no surprise that almost a year later she still doesn't have a new job and has now declared that it must be God's plan for her to stay at her current job. She has stated that me being uncomfortable with the situation is indicative of me not fully trusting in Christ.
We spoke earlier in the week and she has declared that she has no intention to look for another job, at least within the next 3-6 months. She states that she is trying to come to terms with God's sovereignty and is trying to not allow our relationship to become an idol for her. She expects for God to provide and basically for a job to fall from the sky if that is what He desires for her. I am months away from my 30th birthday and can't help but feel that I have just wasted another year with her. I'll admit this is coming from jealousy of others my age being married with children, and my anger towards her for stealing years of my life away. I told her that I would not wait any longer if she is not actively attempting to obtain another job as this entire situation is extremely painful for me. I've spent the last year attempting to find forgiveness for her and yet she refuses to send in a couple job applications.
We have decided to stop speaking since this situation is causing me so much anger and pain. We are optimistic that God will bring us back together but considering we are living in separate cities and she has no intention of leaving her job, realistically there is a zero percent chance of this happening.
I wanted to get some second opinions on this situation as her and I are clearly not seeing eye-to-eye. Am I not handling this situation in a loving and Christian manner? Should I continue to be patient despite her lack of desire to leave her job? Or am I being foolish for allowing this situation to continue for so long? If we can work things out I have full intention to marry her; however, I'm starting to doubt that is a wise decision if she lacks the empathy and desire to remedy this situation.
Thanks in advance and apologies for the long post.
The breakup affected us both greatly but it actually did a wonderful thing. At the time of the breakup I was living in another city and found my way into an amazing church. I got involved in community and began to understand that sin is what has caused all the destruction in my life. After a few months, I reached out to my ex in order to discuss what happened and find forgiveness. I was pleased to find out that those same group of Christian girls invited her into community and were helping her fight against her own struggles with sin. After seeing the change in her heart and what God has done for her, I decided that I would continue our communication in order to fully find forgiveness. It's been over a year since our breakup and she has grown into one of the most Godly women I have ever met. She spends time in the Word daily, has become extremely knowledgable and wise in the gospel, has been baptized, serves in multiple areas at her church, has surrounded herself by community, and puts God first in each and every decision she makes. It has been a complete 180 degree change from the woman I knew only 18 months ago and is such a strong testament to God's power.
We both still very much care for each other and have been attempting to remedy our relationship, even going as far as being "exclusive" again until we figure things out. Our new relationship has been fantastic, it has been God centered and selfless. We spend time each day praying together and reading together. We push each other to be better Christians and we have gotten rid of our worldly sin. It has helped me find forgiveness for her; however, even with these changes I still struggle with issues of trust. These issues reside from the fact that she still works at the same job and spends 40+ hours per week sitting only feet away from the men she had physical relationships and used to maliciously lie to me for years. Since the day we started talking again almost a year ago, I told her that I would never be back in a relationship with her while she was employed at the same job. She doesn't want to leave her job and doesn't understand why this is such an issue for me. It took several months but she reluctantly agreed to begin a job search. I have to twist her arm to apply for jobs so it is no surprise that almost a year later she still doesn't have a new job and has now declared that it must be God's plan for her to stay at her current job. She has stated that me being uncomfortable with the situation is indicative of me not fully trusting in Christ.
We spoke earlier in the week and she has declared that she has no intention to look for another job, at least within the next 3-6 months. She states that she is trying to come to terms with God's sovereignty and is trying to not allow our relationship to become an idol for her. She expects for God to provide and basically for a job to fall from the sky if that is what He desires for her. I am months away from my 30th birthday and can't help but feel that I have just wasted another year with her. I'll admit this is coming from jealousy of others my age being married with children, and my anger towards her for stealing years of my life away. I told her that I would not wait any longer if she is not actively attempting to obtain another job as this entire situation is extremely painful for me. I've spent the last year attempting to find forgiveness for her and yet she refuses to send in a couple job applications.
We have decided to stop speaking since this situation is causing me so much anger and pain. We are optimistic that God will bring us back together but considering we are living in separate cities and she has no intention of leaving her job, realistically there is a zero percent chance of this happening.
I wanted to get some second opinions on this situation as her and I are clearly not seeing eye-to-eye. Am I not handling this situation in a loving and Christian manner? Should I continue to be patient despite her lack of desire to leave her job? Or am I being foolish for allowing this situation to continue for so long? If we can work things out I have full intention to marry her; however, I'm starting to doubt that is a wise decision if she lacks the empathy and desire to remedy this situation.
Thanks in advance and apologies for the long post.
