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the sound of rapture is a little scary and i don't know if it really is but i'm scared... and i wonder why anyone in their sane mind would dismiss the thought of a superior being. i also wonder what makes people become homosexual and transgender . i don't know bout a lot of people but if God wasn't against it, i'll support it... just saying my thoughts
U
I've had my share of gf's. Not tons, but enough. And I tend to latch on too strong, too fast. A shortcoming of mine. And at times I've held on too strong, usually for the wrong reasons, even if I believed they were right at the time. Few do I miss ever. Some I can't even recall their names. And the ones I have missed have been for romantic reasons, but friendship. But life goes on.
Then there's that one that came along. And like the others, is gone. Except this one didn't just move on, for me. It's such a weird feeling that when that person leaves they take so much of your life with them. Hopes, dreams, motivation.
You didn't have that stuff before them, they gave you those things. And took them away, as well. But you can't be mad at them. They did what they needed to do. They did what was right and to resent them for it is selfish and unloving. But it doesn't make that emptiness go away.
My future was, to me, a bleak prospect. But one I was able to prepare for. For a while my future had promise. I even began considering things I long gave up on. I was Actually looking forward to my future for the first time on my life.
Now I look to the future and I see a hole. I have no reason to expect anything different than I did before I met her, but somehow I can't even see that. It just looks empty and nothing else.
It amazes me that I can feel that way. That someone Actually impacted me, my life, so strongly. I was never sure I was Able to be that affected by anyone or anything. It's so weird.
And most days I have my faith to turn to. In one way or another. But once in a while it feels more like a burden. Living daily hoping I am reflecting all the right things, but knowing I don't. Then wondering if that means something or not.
Add to that my own personal battles. Things I struggle about myself.
And a million other things that I can't seem to get together. It's all so tiring. Worrying about it. Feeling like a burden. Feeling as though more people dislike me than like me.
And then not knowing what's worse, writing all this and mostly being ignored, as sometimes happens, or getting all the generic, insincere, impersonal greeting card Christianese responses.
God has a plan/reason/purpose.
God will work it out.
Just trust God.
Maybe someone will tell me I lack faith. Or that I'm living according to the law. Or that I'm Not living according to the law.
Or that I have wrong priorities or I've made the person into an idol.
I assure you, none of your psuedo-spiritual whackjob accusations apply.
It sometimes amazes me that so many Christians have such a few original thoughts and so little concern for people. "Help" consists of parroting insincere platitudes, then patting themselves on the back for being such a good Christian. It's bogus.
But, really, it sucks that one person can make your entire life, present and future, feel off. Missing. Empty. I've always wanted to be that close to someone, I just never thought it would happen. And if, somehow, it did, it would be for so short a time.
I miss her. I suspect I Always will. And not the same way I've missed other ex's, no.
And it sucks knowing they are hurting too. And I feel so helpless and like I'm failing them. I know I'm not. It wasn't my decision. But I still feel like they are my responsibility. And that I should be there for them.
If you bothered to read this I can't think of a single thing that you can say will help. If you're going to parrot generic spiritual blather, save it. I don't care. If you can't think of anything personal and sincere to say then your words are meaningless. And even if you can I doubt it will make that empty feeling go away. So it's largely irrelevant that anyone say anything. Nothing will matter.
Then there's that one that came along. And like the others, is gone. Except this one didn't just move on, for me. It's such a weird feeling that when that person leaves they take so much of your life with them. Hopes, dreams, motivation.
You didn't have that stuff before them, they gave you those things. And took them away, as well. But you can't be mad at them. They did what they needed to do. They did what was right and to resent them for it is selfish and unloving. But it doesn't make that emptiness go away.
My future was, to me, a bleak prospect. But one I was able to prepare for. For a while my future had promise. I even began considering things I long gave up on. I was Actually looking forward to my future for the first time on my life.
Now I look to the future and I see a hole. I have no reason to expect anything different than I did before I met her, but somehow I can't even see that. It just looks empty and nothing else.
It amazes me that I can feel that way. That someone Actually impacted me, my life, so strongly. I was never sure I was Able to be that affected by anyone or anything. It's so weird.
And most days I have my faith to turn to. In one way or another. But once in a while it feels more like a burden. Living daily hoping I am reflecting all the right things, but knowing I don't. Then wondering if that means something or not.
Add to that my own personal battles. Things I struggle about myself.
And a million other things that I can't seem to get together. It's all so tiring. Worrying about it. Feeling like a burden. Feeling as though more people dislike me than like me.
And then not knowing what's worse, writing all this and mostly being ignored, as sometimes happens, or getting all the generic, insincere, impersonal greeting card Christianese responses.
God has a plan/reason/purpose.
God will work it out.
Just trust God.
Maybe someone will tell me I lack faith. Or that I'm living according to the law. Or that I'm Not living according to the law.
Or that I have wrong priorities or I've made the person into an idol.
I assure you, none of your psuedo-spiritual whackjob accusations apply.
It sometimes amazes me that so many Christians have such a few original thoughts and so little concern for people. "Help" consists of parroting insincere platitudes, then patting themselves on the back for being such a good Christian. It's bogus.
But, really, it sucks that one person can make your entire life, present and future, feel off. Missing. Empty. I've always wanted to be that close to someone, I just never thought it would happen. And if, somehow, it did, it would be for so short a time.
I miss her. I suspect I Always will. And not the same way I've missed other ex's, no.
And it sucks knowing they are hurting too. And I feel so helpless and like I'm failing them. I know I'm not. It wasn't my decision. But I still feel like they are my responsibility. And that I should be there for them.
If you bothered to read this I can't think of a single thing that you can say will help. If you're going to parrot generic spiritual blather, save it. I don't care. If you can't think of anything personal and sincere to say then your words are meaningless. And even if you can I doubt it will make that empty feeling go away. So it's largely irrelevant that anyone say anything. Nothing will matter.
T
As you said, Ugly. I can't say anything that will fill the big black whole of emptiness. All words of love and compassion will just be sucked into that darkness. I can only say I have read it all, and felt it all. I have been there myself. I am not going to say you will find another like her, because it isn't. And it wouldn't really solve a thing.
Take care, Ugly. This will take time to heal. Perhaps it never will. But I am naive enough to believe in healing. And I am also gullible enough to believe God is close to the broken hearted. But I am wise enough, as I know you are too, to know that I fall short and that I need God in my life.
Take care, Ugly. This will take time to heal. Perhaps it never will. But I am naive enough to believe in healing. And I am also gullible enough to believe God is close to the broken hearted. But I am wise enough, as I know you are too, to know that I fall short and that I need God in my life.
For all yearning hearts,
Loneliness has become a habit. A bad habit but there is always hope to break free from it...
This habit of loneliness reminds me of the song Labitudine by Andrea Bocelli and this part is my favorite part.
Life can surprise you
In every little way
And where you don’t imagine
You can meet happiness
Loneliness has become a habit. A bad habit but there is always hope to break free from it...
This habit of loneliness reminds me of the song Labitudine by Andrea Bocelli and this part is my favorite part.
Life can surprise you
In every little way
And where you don’t imagine
You can meet happiness
You must be GOD sent, I just logged in, & I saw this what you wrote!! I was praying about the Loneliness I go through daily. This is very encouraging to me!!
GOD BLESS YOUR PRECIOUS HEART ALWAYS!
Love & Hugs!
Bella xo
<><<
PS
YOU WINS!
GOD BLESS YOUR PRECIOUS HEART ALWAYS!
Love & Hugs!
Bella xo
<><<PS
YOU WINS!
Thank you Bella. And you must be an angel. But don't be a lonely angel anymore. Cheer up. I love your angel pics. We both WINS!
I'm sorry it hurts, but we both know there's no quick cure for that. Maybe we're not meant to try to make the crappy feelings go away magically and instantly. Maybe the help we can provide is just listening and giving you the space you need to hurt and heal. And not knowing what to say doesn't mean not caring, so don't take people's silence as ignoring you. Sometimes we don't know what to say or we know words are inadequate (and we don't want to be those platitude throwers who only make things worse). And sometimes all the faith a person can muster is believing that somehow God has enough imagination to still surprise you even though you can't imagine when or how or what could ever turn things around. Keep talking as you need to to process.
You must be GOD sent, I just logged in, & I saw this what you wrote!! I was praying about the Loneliness I go through daily. This is very encouraging to me!!
GOD BLESS YOUR PRECIOUS HEART ALWAYS!
Love & Hugs!
Bella xo <><<
PS
YOU WINS!
GOD BLESS YOUR PRECIOUS HEART ALWAYS!
Love & Hugs!
Bella xo
<><<PS
YOU WINS!
D
My mom had the idea, and I just happened to have an almost finished 2-liter bottle of pop. So I finished it, and got started. I didn't exactly know what I'd use the money for when I finished the challenge, but now I figure it will be used for gas and food for summer excursions, or if family needs it.
M
The night before my grandpa’s funeral, everyone gathered at Grandma’s. And I mean everyone- my sister came from North Carolina. My aunt came from D.C. My cousin got permission to leave rehab for a few days to be there. Her parents, who never show up for anything, were there.
So, a thing my husband noticed during this gathering of wayward souls is that my family...ALWAYS...eats chili when we’re together. I mean, with the exception of holiday dinners. And so we ate chili and rice and caught up with each other. My kids played in the yard in the dark and the heavy fog until midnight while I got to have adult conversations
My sister (older by three years) thought this would be a great time to corner me and air some grievances. Things that happened literally half a lifetime ago. And longer than that- like when I was six and punched her and then started crying so that She got in trouble. She’s been angry about that since it happened, and...ok, she was a bully. I was six. Why on earth am I STILL apologizing for it over 20 years later? Nobody knows.
The thing about my sister is that she remembers everything very differently than the entire rest of our family, and I’ve never yet figured out if she’s just a pathological liar, a sociopath, or was just very hurt by something as a kid and it made her this way. I don’t know. What I do know is that when I stopped talking to her four years ago, it was a huge relief to not be constantly bombarded by her negativity and insults. It took some time for me to realize I’m not the weak, mean spirited jerk she insisted I am, and it was hard to be around her again.
Meanwhile, back at the farm...or maybe the loony bin...I realized my whole family is nuts. Including me. My mom has a restraining order against my cousin (something about a stolen checkbook) and so, when I saw them greet each other with a hug, it seemed like a good idea to ask them “Doesn’t that violate the restraining order?” Luckily they took it as a joke...
My cousin told a story about getting so used to automatic flushing toilets in jail (or rehab?) that she was having trouble remembering to flush, and Grandma walked in at the last part and asked her to repeat it...which was hilarious because my grandmother is not the kind of lady you discuss jail, toilets, or rehab with.
My mom and her sisters sat around the dining table comparing their gray hair and pompously announcing that they’ll never dye it again, while poking fun at each other for looking so old.
My uncles entertained my husband and my brother with stories of all the times they blew stuff up and almost killed each other (those events only coincided sometimes).
And, when I was not busy restraining myself from kicking my sister in the knee...I was listening. I moved around to every little group and soaked up their stories, their laughter, their memories. I asked questions, and paid attention to the things that made them smile, or frown. I hugged everyone (some of them for the first time ever), and I sat quietly with Grandma in the midst of the sorrow and joy. Joy, because we were more complete than we’d ever been...sorrow, because the man who was the foundation for us all wasn’t there to quietly observe, or dump a gallon of pepper on his dinner, or interject a relevant but highly inappropriate story that would make Grandma cover her mouth and pretend not to laugh while the rest of us were cracking up.
My family is crazy. And loud. And often bossy, temperamental, and just weird. But we all knew the value of Grandpa’s character, hard work, generosity, and quiet service to others, and as I watched and listened, I knew each of us had a part of him- his humor, his temper, his loyalty, his big heart, his toughness, his love of the land and his family.
I know this is long...but it’s the first time I’ve really had a chance to process the past week and let out some of what’s in my head.
So, a thing my husband noticed during this gathering of wayward souls is that my family...ALWAYS...eats chili when we’re together. I mean, with the exception of holiday dinners. And so we ate chili and rice and caught up with each other. My kids played in the yard in the dark and the heavy fog until midnight while I got to have adult conversations
My sister (older by three years) thought this would be a great time to corner me and air some grievances. Things that happened literally half a lifetime ago. And longer than that- like when I was six and punched her and then started crying so that She got in trouble. She’s been angry about that since it happened, and...ok, she was a bully. I was six. Why on earth am I STILL apologizing for it over 20 years later? Nobody knows.
The thing about my sister is that she remembers everything very differently than the entire rest of our family, and I’ve never yet figured out if she’s just a pathological liar, a sociopath, or was just very hurt by something as a kid and it made her this way. I don’t know. What I do know is that when I stopped talking to her four years ago, it was a huge relief to not be constantly bombarded by her negativity and insults. It took some time for me to realize I’m not the weak, mean spirited jerk she insisted I am, and it was hard to be around her again.
Meanwhile, back at the farm...or maybe the loony bin...I realized my whole family is nuts. Including me. My mom has a restraining order against my cousin (something about a stolen checkbook) and so, when I saw them greet each other with a hug, it seemed like a good idea to ask them “Doesn’t that violate the restraining order?” Luckily they took it as a joke...
My cousin told a story about getting so used to automatic flushing toilets in jail (or rehab?) that she was having trouble remembering to flush, and Grandma walked in at the last part and asked her to repeat it...which was hilarious because my grandmother is not the kind of lady you discuss jail, toilets, or rehab with.
My mom and her sisters sat around the dining table comparing their gray hair and pompously announcing that they’ll never dye it again, while poking fun at each other for looking so old.
My uncles entertained my husband and my brother with stories of all the times they blew stuff up and almost killed each other (those events only coincided sometimes).
And, when I was not busy restraining myself from kicking my sister in the knee...I was listening. I moved around to every little group and soaked up their stories, their laughter, their memories. I asked questions, and paid attention to the things that made them smile, or frown. I hugged everyone (some of them for the first time ever), and I sat quietly with Grandma in the midst of the sorrow and joy. Joy, because we were more complete than we’d ever been...sorrow, because the man who was the foundation for us all wasn’t there to quietly observe, or dump a gallon of pepper on his dinner, or interject a relevant but highly inappropriate story that would make Grandma cover her mouth and pretend not to laugh while the rest of us were cracking up.
My family is crazy. And loud. And often bossy, temperamental, and just weird. But we all knew the value of Grandpa’s character, hard work, generosity, and quiet service to others, and as I watched and listened, I knew each of us had a part of him- his humor, his temper, his loyalty, his big heart, his toughness, his love of the land and his family.
I know this is long...but it’s the first time I’ve really had a chance to process the past week and let out some of what’s in my head.
