The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have been exhausted from travelling, the last long days at work before the Summer, my Summer job... and my son.
Some of you know that I am disabled. Some of you know I am divorced from a violent marriage. Some of you know I have a son that is transgender and has Asperger's.
Three years ago he tried to attack me while I was in defenseless in bed. First he tore my Bible in pieces. Then took my phone and control to my bed (it is a "hospital bed" with powered lift). Then he pulled out and lit a match. I just closed my eyes and prayed. I was not hurt but terrified. I thought my life was ending that moment. He was then 15. Now 18. He has refused treatment, but wants a gender change operation. Something he doesn't get, because he is not really qualified to be transgender medically.
The social services took him after Christmas that Winter and placed him in a group home for teenagers. There were no qualified medical staff, only social workers. And they supported him in everything. He wasn't a girl then, but wanted to be gender neutral. The girl phase came almost a year later. He has changed his legal gender and is now officially a girl.
He knows I am against it and of course blame Christianity for intolerance. He even claimed the Satanic Bible to be the thing to believe in.
I haven't seen him for almost 2 years. He has refused me to go to his concerts or graduation. Then. Last week he called me and said he was coming the next day. I told him it was not the right time, but he insisted. He was there when I came home after a long day at work. And he told me to rejoice. "You have got the daughter you dreamt of! We should celebrate! Can I have some wine or champagne?"
And I was stunned. All the traumas came back. All the desperation of not getting help. All the fear and uneasiness.
I have used the time to build myself a life. I feel the house is filled with the Holy Spirit and it is a good place to worship and pray. My life and psyche is getting better. Until Thursday. I felt everything just slipping away. And I found myself thinking "I don't want that person in my life!"
My mother said I should embrace him. His father said this doesn't end well. And my friends said you need to protect yourself.
Getting a restraining order is perhaps necessary, but then I feel like a lousy mother.
It is impossible for most of you to relate to this. I know. It is overwhelming. But I still want to know if people have experienced violent kids. Felt threatened by them. Or have conflicts due to transgenderism.
And I do appreciate prayers.
He's dangerous and mentally unwell. He's also an adult. Your mother doesn't have to live with someone who tried to kill her. Go with your first thought. "I don't want that person in my life."
We pray and yet when God answers in that way we're not sure. I would say that thought is God's message. Your house is holy spirit filled and you feel safe there after these two years. Your sons violence is not normal. He tore a Bible apart. He turns himself into a girl, he thinks, and then after two years in a group home you have no clue as to how he fared there, he's back? Saying now you have the daughter you always wanted? Blaming you is what that is. Blaming you for his feeling emasculated.
Is he living with you now? Get away! If you can work with your disability you can get away. Get him out of your life because this isn't going to end well at all.
If he is living with you now ask yourself if you feel safe going unconscious, to sleep, with him in the house? After he thought to try to set you on fire not that many years ago.
You don't want him trying to harm you again. He may get it right this time and we'll never know how you are because you'll be dead. Your son is no longer in what plagues you now. Don't feel like a bad mom. Because your son isn't there. Feel instead like you deserve to live. And get that person out of your life. And house, if God forbid, he is there living with you now.
If he is there this is key given his violent past. Don't try to get him out when it is just the two of you. Have backup. More than one person and make sure they're male. Then get him out of there and have the police there with you at the time. A restraining order isn't worth the paper it is printed on when it comes to keeping a violent mentally unstable person from doing harm.
What a restraining order does is show after the fact that you, the victim, had every lawful intention and went to every lawful avenue available, to extricate a threat from your life.
If you have a restraining order he knows he's not allowed within so many feet of you. The bad thing about those orders is, if you move and renew that order, he has the right to know where you move to. So that he knows where to stay away from.
I know. But that's how they work.
Change your locks if you kick him out. (That's if he's living there now). Invest in home security alarms so that you have a heads up if he breaks in. Put a lock on your bedroom door that can't be accessed from the outside hall. This doesn't mean he can't kick it in.
Do you know how to use a gun? If you're afraid of guns try pepper spray canister. Actually, a great deterrent stronger than that is bear spray. It repels grizzly bears. That's some powerful stuff.
Forget he's your son. He's not. That person isn't in that body now. What that person has shown you years ago and then you got him out of the house into a group home and now he's back? Is a dangerous person who wants payback. "Now you have the daughter you always wanted?"
That scares me. And I don't know you.
God be with you.
You are in my prayers.
