I just finished working on such a treat of a soul. She is such a sweet and unique kind of person, working on her is always fun. Before the treatment, I opened the door, and felt a soft gentle breeze tickle my senses. I felt the touch of Him stirring inside of me.
Unfortunately, I allowed that renewed uplifted experience to quickly shift. I started thinking about family and friends that I soon will be visiting and old silly habitual fears and insecurities, starting lurking. My Lord, once again, decided, it seems, I need a good what for... so He started talking to me.
This is what I believe He was telling me,
Daughter, please won’t you stop thinking of you, things like am I ok, will they reject me, are they going to do or say something that might bring that reoccurring reckoning, a deep haunting hurt to the surface of my mind? Will they think of me, neither good or bad, but just with indifference. Will the experiences and outcomes only prove my identity is shameful at best, without any value at all?
Daughter, please won't you stop obsessing about them. Don't try and love them, with any thought of return, expecting them to receive and to give, perhaps that with you, they are unable. Quit comparing the other connections, allowing their sweet fellowship to point to what you are missing. Quit asking why to something you may never know, instead take what is meant for you and let the rest go.
Daughter, are you not tired of waiting and wanting for things not intended for you? Have you not considered that until you learn to love from a sincere core of selfless healthy love, not a weakened desire to be loved, you will never be fully mine. You want to love with all your heart, but your ego blocks it from flowing. How is this clear? I think if you are honest with yourself, what you want more than love is you want to be loved. This is fine, I created you to yearn for this, this quality gives you your gift of mercy, a beautiful meaningful thing. Until you allow your identity to only be in me, to be completely fed by only me, then because who you are is not truly mine, your gift can never be fully given or received; it is held captive by your own diminished heart full of wounded yesterdays and potential tomorrows. Can you imagine how honorable a ministry of mercy rooted in true love can be? It is what makes you so special, what makes your work a blessing, you give heartfelt dignity and concern almost immediately and that is because you know what it's like to need mercy, need it desperately. So cling to me, my daughter because the diamond you are inside is me. I made you this way, I needed you able to give and to serve more fully, more selflessly. You won't be depleted when I and my grace are enough, your sufficiency must be in me. It doesn't matter how it is all going to turn out, because I am your Shepherd, who loves you dearly, your capacity to love has already been set free.
I know this kind of thinking should be kept to self. After all, what can traveling down these canals exposed serve? After all, this kind of vulnerability displayed, is telling, defining, and quite embarrassing. I suppose the truth is the truth, kept secret or shared. I guess it's just one of the things that He is teaching me. We all have mental twangs in our makeup, but sometimes, with Him, the ones that are most broken play the most beautiful music. Sometimes, a wound out in the open needs to be open, to heal. May we all stop thinking of ourselves, stop caring about others with regard to their deserving or their response. Let's instead love one another fully, with genuine mercy and tenderness, because who we are is not ours or theirs, but His.
Ahhhh deep breath of Yahweh…
Just about the time, He got through to my thinking, she arrived. I felt ready to love and to give, in a way that my heart and body’s capacity were now free to explore and to soar. God not only provided, bringing her precious self to my table, but He did so much more. This morning He needed to work with some unhealthy residue in my thinking, stuff that needed to be put down, before she arrived, and He did. His grace abounded so that my works were good and they themselves abounded. He needed to remind me that what I give and who I am, and who I work with are not mine, but His.
Unfortunately, I allowed that renewed uplifted experience to quickly shift. I started thinking about family and friends that I soon will be visiting and old silly habitual fears and insecurities, starting lurking. My Lord, once again, decided, it seems, I need a good what for... so He started talking to me.
This is what I believe He was telling me,
Daughter, please won’t you stop thinking of you, things like am I ok, will they reject me, are they going to do or say something that might bring that reoccurring reckoning, a deep haunting hurt to the surface of my mind? Will they think of me, neither good or bad, but just with indifference. Will the experiences and outcomes only prove my identity is shameful at best, without any value at all?
Daughter, please won't you stop obsessing about them. Don't try and love them, with any thought of return, expecting them to receive and to give, perhaps that with you, they are unable. Quit comparing the other connections, allowing their sweet fellowship to point to what you are missing. Quit asking why to something you may never know, instead take what is meant for you and let the rest go.
Daughter, are you not tired of waiting and wanting for things not intended for you? Have you not considered that until you learn to love from a sincere core of selfless healthy love, not a weakened desire to be loved, you will never be fully mine. You want to love with all your heart, but your ego blocks it from flowing. How is this clear? I think if you are honest with yourself, what you want more than love is you want to be loved. This is fine, I created you to yearn for this, this quality gives you your gift of mercy, a beautiful meaningful thing. Until you allow your identity to only be in me, to be completely fed by only me, then because who you are is not truly mine, your gift can never be fully given or received; it is held captive by your own diminished heart full of wounded yesterdays and potential tomorrows. Can you imagine how honorable a ministry of mercy rooted in true love can be? It is what makes you so special, what makes your work a blessing, you give heartfelt dignity and concern almost immediately and that is because you know what it's like to need mercy, need it desperately. So cling to me, my daughter because the diamond you are inside is me. I made you this way, I needed you able to give and to serve more fully, more selflessly. You won't be depleted when I and my grace are enough, your sufficiency must be in me. It doesn't matter how it is all going to turn out, because I am your Shepherd, who loves you dearly, your capacity to love has already been set free.
I know this kind of thinking should be kept to self. After all, what can traveling down these canals exposed serve? After all, this kind of vulnerability displayed, is telling, defining, and quite embarrassing. I suppose the truth is the truth, kept secret or shared. I guess it's just one of the things that He is teaching me. We all have mental twangs in our makeup, but sometimes, with Him, the ones that are most broken play the most beautiful music. Sometimes, a wound out in the open needs to be open, to heal. May we all stop thinking of ourselves, stop caring about others with regard to their deserving or their response. Let's instead love one another fully, with genuine mercy and tenderness, because who we are is not ours or theirs, but His.
Ahhhh deep breath of Yahweh…
Just about the time, He got through to my thinking, she arrived. I felt ready to love and to give, in a way that my heart and body’s capacity were now free to explore and to soar. God not only provided, bringing her precious self to my table, but He did so much more. This morning He needed to work with some unhealthy residue in my thinking, stuff that needed to be put down, before she arrived, and He did. His grace abounded so that my works were good and they themselves abounded. He needed to remind me that what I give and who I am, and who I work with are not mine, but His.
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