When I was little, I remember my Grandma reading the story of Shadrac, Meshac and Abendigo. I'm probably not spelling the names right. This is why I feel "Fireproof" now.
Recently I spent five long months in jail. I was arrested and charged with Murder in the second degree for taking a man's life. I didn't mean to do it. It truly was an accident. I was trying to scare him off with a gun that wasn't mine. I had never fired one before, or even held one before. It was meant to be a warning shot. It hit him, and he died. I'm out on bond right now which cost me and my family my last dime and signing away all our homes, our land, promising away our very last assets just to get me out of that place to make it to my trial. I have no idea what will happen to me. But I could not stay in that place. I am still very traumatized. It has now been two weeks since I've been back out into the real world and every little thing still scares me. Nothing seems real to me now. I can't watch TV. I can't drive. I lost so much weight those five months that none of my clothes fit. I'm seeing doctors now for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and taking very expensive medicines just to cope with life. I'm using credit cards to pay for these things but I have no idea what to do when these bills come in the mail. I just pray.
I was telling my friend the other day, though, that not all my memories of jail are bad. And that is a very bold statement, considering that I can't even put my little dog on her leash to go potty without shaking every morning. But truly, in some ways I am stronger coming out of there than I was when I went in. The reason I tried so hard and my family too to get me out was so I could prepare for my trial. Right now jail has me so traumatized that the court psychiatrist isn't even sure I am still competent to stand trial. I am fighting to regain my mental strength because believe me, I would rather be mentally sound and accountable than be written off as crazy and stuck in some state hospital, and trust me, plenty of people get stuck in jails crazy and folks, that just ain't right. Mentally sick people do not belong in jail. That is not Christian, that is not human, that is worst treatment than kicking a sick and dying animal or putting a dying baby out in the trash. I am not playing. We are God's children and I am not using drama. This is real. Please think on this because you never know when it could happen to someone you love. I am a mother, I have two daughters, if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone.
I don't know how many guards are actually there in the facility where I was, or how many I came in contact with. In my mind there were hundreds, but surely in reality there couldn't have been that many. In the midst of the awful ones, though, there were a precious few that I call my "Gabriels." My Angles whose WINGS DID NOT BURN in the flames that were THE HELL OF THAT PLACE. And friends, do not be deceived. JAIL IS HELL. If not for those Angels, I would not have made it out. But I was thinking about my Angels the other evening, and then I thought about all that I've been through in my lifetime, which has been more than the average person. And I wondered if perhaps I, too might be an Angel whose wings do not burn? And if so, what God might have in store for me? Might He not have missions planned for me, and am I ready? I must say, that after the time I spent trapped in the burning pit of hell that was jail for five months, and the new appreciation for LIFE and my LOVE FOR GOD, WHO AM I TO SAY NO? Yes, Lord, CALL and I will ANSWER!
My journey of course is not over. I must still stand trial and be accountable for my actions. I must admit that it took this tragedy to show me the true purpose of life, which is TO KNOW HIM, but that I DO TRULY NOW KNOW HIM, and in that I AM FREE, so whatever the outcome of this situation is, I KNOW WHERE MY TRUE HOME AND HAPPINESS IS. THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING ME WITH ONE MORE DAY OF TRUE FREEDOM.
Recently I spent five long months in jail. I was arrested and charged with Murder in the second degree for taking a man's life. I didn't mean to do it. It truly was an accident. I was trying to scare him off with a gun that wasn't mine. I had never fired one before, or even held one before. It was meant to be a warning shot. It hit him, and he died. I'm out on bond right now which cost me and my family my last dime and signing away all our homes, our land, promising away our very last assets just to get me out of that place to make it to my trial. I have no idea what will happen to me. But I could not stay in that place. I am still very traumatized. It has now been two weeks since I've been back out into the real world and every little thing still scares me. Nothing seems real to me now. I can't watch TV. I can't drive. I lost so much weight those five months that none of my clothes fit. I'm seeing doctors now for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and taking very expensive medicines just to cope with life. I'm using credit cards to pay for these things but I have no idea what to do when these bills come in the mail. I just pray.
I was telling my friend the other day, though, that not all my memories of jail are bad. And that is a very bold statement, considering that I can't even put my little dog on her leash to go potty without shaking every morning. But truly, in some ways I am stronger coming out of there than I was when I went in. The reason I tried so hard and my family too to get me out was so I could prepare for my trial. Right now jail has me so traumatized that the court psychiatrist isn't even sure I am still competent to stand trial. I am fighting to regain my mental strength because believe me, I would rather be mentally sound and accountable than be written off as crazy and stuck in some state hospital, and trust me, plenty of people get stuck in jails crazy and folks, that just ain't right. Mentally sick people do not belong in jail. That is not Christian, that is not human, that is worst treatment than kicking a sick and dying animal or putting a dying baby out in the trash. I am not playing. We are God's children and I am not using drama. This is real. Please think on this because you never know when it could happen to someone you love. I am a mother, I have two daughters, if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone.
I don't know how many guards are actually there in the facility where I was, or how many I came in contact with. In my mind there were hundreds, but surely in reality there couldn't have been that many. In the midst of the awful ones, though, there were a precious few that I call my "Gabriels." My Angles whose WINGS DID NOT BURN in the flames that were THE HELL OF THAT PLACE. And friends, do not be deceived. JAIL IS HELL. If not for those Angels, I would not have made it out. But I was thinking about my Angels the other evening, and then I thought about all that I've been through in my lifetime, which has been more than the average person. And I wondered if perhaps I, too might be an Angel whose wings do not burn? And if so, what God might have in store for me? Might He not have missions planned for me, and am I ready? I must say, that after the time I spent trapped in the burning pit of hell that was jail for five months, and the new appreciation for LIFE and my LOVE FOR GOD, WHO AM I TO SAY NO? Yes, Lord, CALL and I will ANSWER!
My journey of course is not over. I must still stand trial and be accountable for my actions. I must admit that it took this tragedy to show me the true purpose of life, which is TO KNOW HIM, but that I DO TRULY NOW KNOW HIM, and in that I AM FREE, so whatever the outcome of this situation is, I KNOW WHERE MY TRUE HOME AND HAPPINESS IS. THANK YOU LORD FOR BLESSING ME WITH ONE MORE DAY OF TRUE FREEDOM.
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I am truly sorry for going through this. And I have heard cases of this. I'll be praying for you...the trauma you're going through must be hard...I can not comprehend...
