The reason loneliness hurts

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Aug 2, 2009
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#1
I've seen some people say that its best to focus on God and not let yourself worry about finding a mate, or that one should learn to be happy being single. I've always believed that there is a reason for how our minds and our bodies work as human beings because our creator made it that way. For example we get hungry when our body needs food, we get tired when our bodies need rest, we become worried when there is something we need to fix, we become happy when we feel loved or appreciated. By the same token, we feel sad and desperate when we are lonely. This is not an accident. It is evidence that we were designed by our creator to want to go out and find ourselves a mate. That is what this longing called loneliness is. One cannot fully experience human love by focusing on Jesus or by having a friend who is not their partner in a relationship. Only with a loving partner can one fully experience human love.

[It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Genesis 2:18 (KJV)

The other reason I believe God wanted us to actively look for a mate is because of the simple fact that if we all sat around waiting for that perfect mate then how and when can the next generation be born and raised?

"As for you, be fruitful and multiply; Populate the earth abundantly and multiply in it."
Genesis 9:7 (NASB)

It is fine to focus on Jesus' love to get you through your loneliness, I've done it myself on many occasions, but we shouldn't continually try to ignore the tugging at our hearts to go and find someone who might become our partner in every sense of the word, so that we can experience human love as God wants us to experience it and so we can bring forth the next generation of young christians and not continue to be outnumbered by the worldly who have no qualms about dating and marrying.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7 (NIV)
 
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seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,761
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#2
I've thought about this as well, Zero.

While of course we are all to put God first in our lives and seek after Him, God also designed us to need other people as well, and in some cases, a spouse. It's a tough and age-old debate, it seems--you don't want to step ahead of God's will but you don't want to be lagging two steps behind either.

I don't want to belittle the fact that we need to make Jesus first in any way, but I get frustrated when people tell me, "Just wait on the Lord. Seek His kingdom first! Let Jesus fill that void!" I also get frustrated when they imply (or blatantly tell me) I have a weak faith because of my desire for a significant other.

Most Christians who tell me this:
1. Haven't been single and without a family for very long--maybe a few years at most.
2. Are married and/or have children, and they usually say, if they are a single parent, that their children keep them going--they don't come home to an empty house every day for nearly a decade, as I have (and for some of you out there, I know it's been longer.)
3. Are older and have never married--and because they have blatantly or secretly given up hope themselves, they are angry to see someone still hopeful.

However, it could be just me.

When my ex-husband left, I found that I could only sleep about 4 hours a night and I filled the void by constantly reading the Bible. I've also tried to fill countless lonely hours with Bible classes, participating in ministries (that's the other thing they tell you! Don't think of yourself--that's being selfish! Use your time to serve others!), and working at my church.

I often tell God, "Lord, I have you all the time... you're always on my mind, and I pray to you about things most would feel squeamish about even mentioning... so why do I still feel so lonely all the time?" An elder at my church, during a conversation on the phone, told me, "You just need to get closer to God," and I told her, "(Calling her by name,) do you pray about X? (Subjects others might feel awkward praying about)" And there was dead silence on the phone. She didn't answer me. I told her, "That's how close I am to God, I pray to Him about X, Y, and Z when it troubles me, because I don't know who else I could ask. There certainly isn't anyone higher. And if that's not being as close to God as you can be, I don't know how to get any closer." Apparently, neither did she, because she still didn't answer my question.

And that's not somehow saying I have this wonderful faith--I struggle with anyone else--but I would challenge anyone who would try to tell me I don't strive to be close enough to God. That's one of the things that makes me close to Him--I go to Him with all my failures and try my best not to hide them.

We all have our struggles and have to carry our own crosses. I suppose, persistent loneliness can be one of them.

And, having talked to several married people who are really honest about the subject, I'm glad to at least be single and lonely and not married and lonely, as so many are.
 
X

xJoe

Guest
#3
Being alone is not so bad.
I get a lot I need accomplished and I can focus on God so when the time does come I will be ready for a TRUE commitment not a rushed self centered one.
 

jangel

Senior Member
May 12, 2010
487
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#4
Zero and Seoul, don't you think you're a perfect match?:D

Two less lonely people in the world...:eek::D
 
B

BellaFlor

Guest
#5
Waiting for God's timing doesn't have anything about just sitting there waiting literally on a couch or something like that. One can walk around among other people, especially in places where you might have interest in finding your mate, and then getting to know some you might think could be a good marrying candidate.

I do think it is very silly with all the dating part, as I don't see it as something God had in mind for us, and it also shows more that people don't want to trust the fact of God having someone for them later. Or I see it as an immature way of thinking to try out a lot more people before you find your significance other to share a life-time with, some do the dating thing as to just having fun. It should be more to go and getting to know others without any romantical feelings in it, then to asking God to show you or giving you a form of knowledge about who it is. God will make it clear for you, as long as you have faith in that He can.

I do agree with Seoulsearch that loneliness can also appear in marriages, and it isn't only about those who haven't found a mate yet. Loneliness can also be with children not having a close relationship to their parents, or teenagers/young people not having friends, etc... There is difference kinds of loneliness, and definitively a need for any form of contact with another human/s. I'd say we as humans are made for fellowshipping with other humans, not only as having a mate, but also having some people around us that cares for us. Of course, those who truly wish and long for being married, they will sometime encounter the loneliness of not having a mate, and to them this will give them a lacking/empty feeling. And God sees this when it happens, that is also why one should be direct with God about this too. Telling him that you are feeling lonely, and you long for your life partner. God knows what desires of the heart we have, and He is aware of everything we worry and miss.

Now, there are also some people that God has called to not having a life partner, and that He has a much different plan with. Though like a friend of mine told me before I found my life partner and married, 'cause I remember I was a bit worried about if God wanted me to be a nun. She said that God doesn't forces you to become a nun, if this is something I don't wish being. I do beleive most of those who wants to live in celibat and dedicate all their time and life for God, truly wishes to be doing this. And well, some says that it is a part of God's calling to them. It can be both; it can be God calling them, or their own made choice. Also, I do have heard one story from a Christian said that he always thought he was meant for the family life. He was engaged two times, I think, but both engagements didn't work out well. And then he found out that God wanted something completely different for him, not to getting married and have a family, but to be travelling around the world as a preacher. He now says that he has a much greater family in God, and it is a joy for him to be meeting so many people from different places. So sometimes how we think isn't always what God has in mind for us, and what makes one truly fully satisfied and happy is what God has in mind for one. :)
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,761
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#6
Zero and Seoul, don't you think you're a perfect match?:D

Two less lonely people in the world...:eek::D

LOL--matchmaking right here in the Singles Forum! Preposterous! :)

Zero is a great guy ladies--feel free to chat with him sometime, he's a very understanding, compassionate person. Not to mention funny!

That's why I would want to spare him from my own eccentricities. ;)
 

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
69
48
#7
Waiting for God's timing doesn't have anything about just sitting there waiting literally on a couch or something like that. One can walk around among other people, especially in places where you might have interest in finding your mate, and then getting to know some you might think could be a good marrying candidate.

I do think it is very silly with all the dating part, as I don't see it as something God had in mind for us, and it also shows more that people don't want to trust the fact of God having someone for them later. Or I see it as an immature way of thinking to try out a lot more people before you find your significance other to share a life-time with, some do the dating thing as to just having fun. It should be more to go and getting to know others without any romantical feelings in it, then to asking God to show you or giving you a form of knowledge about who it is. God will make it clear for you, as long as you have faith in that He can.
Yes, very solid points.

Noah wasn't given his ark he had to spend years building it, so that God could fill it with the animals when the time was right. Are we asking for something that we perhaps aren't ready for?

I think in our life we expect to wait and see what comes next but, are we honestly the people we want someone else falling in love with?

Like Solomon said, "To all things there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven."

Do not worry God cares for you and has good things planned for your life. =)
 
T

Timofree

Guest
#8
Waiting for God's timing doesn't have anything about just sitting there waiting literally on a couch or something like that. One can walk around among other people, especially in places where you might have interest in finding your mate, and then getting to know some you might think could be a good marrying candidate.

I do think it is very silly with all the dating part, as I don't see it as something God had in mind for us, and it also shows more that people don't want to trust the fact of God having someone for them later. Or I see it as an immature way of thinking to try out a lot more people before you find your significance other to share a life-time with, some do the dating thing as to just having fun. It should be more to go and getting to know others without any romantical feelings in it, then to asking God to show you or giving you a form of knowledge about who it is. God will make it clear for you, as long as you have faith in that He can.

I do agree with Seoulsearch that loneliness can also appear in marriages, and it isn't only about those who haven't found a mate yet. Loneliness can also be with children not having a close relationship to their parents, or teenagers/young people not having friends, etc... There is difference kinds of loneliness, and definitively a need for any form of contact with another human/s. I'd say we as humans are made for fellowshipping with other humans, not only as having a mate, but also having some people around us that cares for us. Of course, those who truly wish and long for being married, they will sometime encounter the loneliness of not having a mate, and to them this will give them a lacking/empty feeling. And God sees this when it happens, that is also why one should be direct with God about this too. Telling him that you are feeling lonely, and you long for your life partner. God knows what desires of the heart we have, and He is aware of everything we worry and miss.

Now, there are also some people that God has called to not having a life partner, and that He has a much different plan with. Though like a friend of mine told me before I found my life partner and married, 'cause I remember I was a bit worried about if God wanted me to be a nun. She said that God doesn't forces you to become a nun, if this is something I don't wish being. I do beleive most of those who wants to live in celibat and dedicate all their time and life for God, truly wishes to be doing this. And well, some says that it is a part of God's calling to them. It can be both; it can be God calling them, or their own made choice. Also, I do have heard one story from a Christian said that he always thought he was meant for the family life. He was engaged two times, I think, but both engagements didn't work out well. And then he found out that God wanted something completely different for him, not to getting married and have a family, but to be travelling around the world as a preacher. He now says that he has a much greater family in God, and it is a joy for him to be meeting so many people from different places. So sometimes how we think isn't always what God has in mind for us, and what makes one truly fully satisfied and happy is what God has in mind for one. :)
Ha, oh dear, at times as a non Christian I thought about becoming a monk.......then I heard about the prophet Jeremiah the other day, and I hoped God hadn't called me to be single!! God did say it's not good for a man to be alone, and as much as I respect those who have stayed alone, I hope and pray that won't be me. But if I wasn't meant to marry, God would change my desires, for sure.
In the mean time, Im going to continue looking. And the closer you are to Jesus, the less being single hurts, and the less likely you are to make a snap decision and get hurt in the long run :)
 
B

BellaFlor

Guest
#9
God did say it's not good for a man to be alone, and as much as I respect those who have stayed alone, I hope and pray that won't be me.
Yes, yet there are also many ways to not being alone. Of course, God did created man and woman to being together, and He doesn't intended us for being lonely. Still Paul choice to living life as a single man, and I beleive he also wished to dedicating most of his time on God. But I have also heard that some people that became nuns felt they were destined to being this since from young age on. I do think this might be possible as well, and as you say the closer they grow to Jesus the more filled up they will get by Him. Same as with each one of us as well, if we are married or not.

God sees to our hearts, and I am sure He knows what you desire and what is also best for you. If you wish to getting married someday, I beleive this might be something given from God to you. When I was very young myself, I was then 15 years old, I remember I wanted to beleive in God having someone out there for me. Some kids in my school could be making fun of me and even said that perhaps she will never marry. But still, I kept my faith in God. Words from others can hurt one, still, if one depends on God, and keep on having faith in Him, this will win a lot more than what others might think or say. God did bring me together with the one that is my husband. So trusting God is all worth it, all the waiting is worth it, having faith in Him is all worth it, and to sharing your heart's desire with Him is worth it! :)
 
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J

Jennifleur

Guest
#10
I think the people who are called to be single are quite aware of that calling, and are very content to be that way. I've met people who are very strong in their conviction to remain single, and have absolutely no interest in pursuing a relationship with anyone other than God. Those people are rare, and I do not believe this is God's plan for everyone who is single and lonely right now. Often, these times are a refining process, and God is trying to teach something. But that "something" He is trying to teach is likely as different as each person to whom He is teaching. But, I cannot see Him putting a desire in people's hearts to have a mate, if it wasn't His plan to fulfill it. Wanting to find a godly mate is a good thing, and if the desire is in your heart and you've prayed about it (asking God to take the desire away if it is not His will, but fulfill it if it is His will), then you've handled your loneliness in an appropriate way. Waiting is hard, as anyone who has been single for any significant length of time can attest to. And Kim's right, often the people who tell others to be "content" as a single have not had to spend much time as singles themselves. It's a tough spot to be in, because we feel in our hearts that we were meant to be paired with someone. Yes, it is true that no other person will fulfill all of our needs, and they will disappoint us at times, because we are all human and imperfect. Yes, God is the only one who can fill every need in our lives, every hole in our hearts. But, God made us for relationship, and that includes relationships with other people, whether they are our parents, friends, etc. But there's something special and unique about a romantic relationship, and I believe it is God's way of giving us a small taste here on Earth of the intimacy and love we can expect to share with Him in Heaven - overwhelming, relentless, crazy love that constantly pursues and desires. These are just some of my thoughts on the matter. The most important thing is to persevere in prayer. I think BellaFlor makes a good point, that "waiting on God" doesn't necessarily mean sitting in one spot and waiting for things to happen, but rather to wait for His leading, and to do whatever He asks you to do, no matter how crazy it may seem at the time, and to take chances and see where they lead. :)
 

eugenius

Senior Member
Jul 17, 2009
491
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#11
I agree with you bro. I don't promote loneliness, I'm just saying that until God thinks its time for you to have a mate, you should learn to rely on him. Don't rely on your partner too much. People tend to betray you.
 
D

DanuckInUSA

Guest
#12
eugenious you are a genius. Love people as brothers and sisters in Christ. Let God decide if there is a husband or wife out there for you.
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
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#13
Zero and Seoul, don't you think you're a perfect match?:D

Two less lonely people in the world...:eek::D
If she doesn't mind me spending all of my time with my numerous hobbies (drums, photography, video games, r/c aircraft, cars, going to the gym, driving to the beach, boogieboarding, biking, strolling through hobby shops and electronics stores, etc...) then maybe it could be a good match :)
 
Aug 2, 2009
24,653
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#14
LOL--matchmaking right here in the Singles Forum! Preposterous! :)

Zero is a great guy ladies--feel free to chat with him sometime, he's a very understanding, compassionate person. Not to mention funny!

That's why I would want to spare him from my own eccentricities. ;)
Wow thanks Kim! Thats about the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me. You made my valentines day. :D Its the one holiday i almost never had to celebrate.
 

grace

Senior Member
Sep 8, 2006
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#15
Yes, very solid points.

Noah wasn't given his ark he had to spend years building it, so that God could fill it with the animals when the time was right. Are we asking for something that we perhaps aren't ready for?

I think in our life we expect to wait and see what comes next but, are we honestly the people we want someone else falling in love with?

Like Solomon said, "To all things there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven."

Do not worry God cares for you and has good things planned for your life. =)

Agreed. I have always believed that God truly knows the desires of out heart, He afterall probably put them there because He knows us best!
But, there is a plan in the times where we think we are having unanswered prayers. Maybe He is prepareing our hearts to receive the blessings He has for us that we think we are ready for, but truly are not?
 

jangel

Senior Member
May 12, 2010
487
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#16
If she doesn't mind me spending all of my time with my numerous hobbies (drums, photography, video games, r/c aircraft, cars, going to the gym, driving to the beach, boogieboarding, biking, strolling through hobby shops and electronics stores, etc...) then maybe it could be a good match :)

I'm sure seoul woudn't mind it and would even love to join you with all your stuff:D, am I sensing possibilities? hmmm feels like I'm seeing bubbles in the air for both of you hehehe

Okay, I'll stop now.:D outta here.;)
 
L

luv

Guest
#17
Noah wasn't given his ark he had to spend years building it, so that God could fill it with the animals when the time was right. Are we asking for something that we perhaps aren't ready for?

I think in our life we expect to wait and see what comes next but, are we honestly the people we want someone else falling in love with?

Like Solomon said, "To all things there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven."

Do not worry God cares for you and has good things planned for your life. =)
I know that it is true for me, but I fall into the trap of believing that perhaps there will be someone who could love the stuff that I hate about myself. If God gave me what I wanted then I wouldn't trust the person, because I would always doubt their attraction/ love for me.

I just wanted to say those words were deep.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
16,761
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#18
If she doesn't mind me spending all of my time with my numerous hobbies (drums, photography, video games, r/c aircraft, cars, going to the gym, driving to the beach, boogieboarding, biking, strolling through hobby shops and electronics stores, etc...) then maybe it could be a good match :)
With all that going on, I don't see how Zero has time to brush his teeth (and I'm sure he does), let alone have time for a girlfriend! :D

I dunno, Jangel--you seem awfully interested in Zero... or at least, making sure he's not alone. Why not try mailing him? :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#19
As usual, Grace, we're on the same page. God not only knows our hearts, He knows our needs (even the ones we don't know about).

IF God's plan for us is to be with someone, somewhere out there is the person we can trust, talk with, listen to, be intimate with, laugh with, care for, be cared for, who loves the Lord as we do and is equipped to be our partner in serving Him in the areas we are called to....and on...and on.

When I look at my life, none of it is as I thought it would be - good and/or bad.... But the Lord has blessed my life every step of the way, even when I fought against Him at times. He has placed amazing serendipities along the way. And He's been with me through the tough stuff.

I trust Him. And I don't want any future relationships to be Ishmaels in my life. I want the real deal or nothing....well...not nothing. I have HIM. :)
 

jangel

Senior Member
May 12, 2010
487
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#20
I dunno, Jangel--you seem awfully interested in Zero... or at least, making sure he's not alone. Why not try mailing him? :)
Haha, I was trying to see if I can be a good matchmaker upon reading all these cries of loneliness here in this forum.(obviously I'm not):(:D

Nah, hope you don't take my words seriously.:)