Would living common-law be considered married in God's eyes?

[tourist]

Thank you for the responses. Here is the situation...

I am separated after a 30-year relationship (25 years married, together for 30 years, a relationship that started in high school that I left my parents home at the age of 15 for). After the separation, I started attending church, something I grew up with. I met a man. We started seeing each other, more and more. We started studying the Bible together, started praying together, etc. Long story short, he has a girlfriend that he has been living with for five or six years. He claims it is not the same as being married since he keeps his mailing address different than where they live. He says he is not doing anything wrong. He says he is not technically cheating on her because they are not married. Recently, his father passed and his girlfriend was mentioned in the obituary. He does not want things to end with me saying God has put us in each other's lives for a reason, everything is predestined. He says it is not adultery and as long as he repents.

It appears to be adultery to me.

 

[seekfirstthekingdom]

I'm sorry for your loss. How long have you been separated for?

But as for this guy, if he's not married then sleeping with his gf is fornication; if he is married and developing intimate relationships with other women it's adultery. At this point I don't think it really matters which sin this guy is committing. You know this is fishier than Peter's boat and as wrong as a neon green sky, that's why you asked us about it. Oh and the true test of a clear conscience, has he told his girlfriend about you?

Do you really want to continue to receive spiritual instruction from someone who sees nothing wrong with spending close personal time with multiple women? And if he's in any sort of leadership position in the church, I'd start to question if this is a church I want to go to as well (actually I wouldn't; I think accepting a leader known to be of such character would drive me right out the door.)

There are situations that I might acknowledge as a marriage without the paperwork; this isn't one of them, especially if the guy keeps saying he's not married. Do you really want to be with a guy who treats his girlfriend / acting wife the way he's treating her? Now the sarcasm comes out: I wonder which chapter of II Opinions says, "Lo, though thou dost inhabit a single domicile along with thine woman, ye willst not be considered married excepting her mailing address be identical to thine." This guy is so full of __it that he could open his own fertilizer factory. I'm sure it hard and crazy and confusing right now, but please don't add to all the crap that the separation dumped on you by staying mixed up with this guy.

I have been separated for almost two years now, it was my choice to leave. No, his girlfriend does not know about me.

I have no friends to talk to about this, so I came here. A few times, me and this guy had disagreements about scriptures, how to pray, etc. where I was always made to feel I was wrong. So I turned to our Pastor. This guy went through my phone and saw the text messages to Pastor, I did not mention any names or specifics. He was so angry that I did that, he said he felt I did not believe what he was saying so I had to ask Pastor. One of the times was about prayer - He was telling me I do not pray right. I do not yell out my prayers. I like to go to my bedroom or a quiet place and according to him, that is wrong..I should be yelling, being loud...He also felt I could not possibly be praying properly because my prayers are not being answered. Another disagreement is about me working..he will refer to Matthew 6:33 - But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. So we do not have to work, God will provide what we need. I have three children still in my custody that I must provide for and my ex-husband is still not paying child support. But to this guy, I am not believing in God because if I did, I would trust God will provide and pay the rent. These arguments go on and on. He says he is looking for a woman who will submit to the man. Pastor has the same view about women. Pastor was preaching on Mother's Day and said the day should not be before Father's Day. I have not attended church in a few months now. My job is one of the reasons, or an excuse as he tells me. Too many things happening in the church that I just am not sure about. And honestly, very time consuming...two days a week at 3-4 hours each and every other Saturday 3-4 hours plus an hour drive each way.

This is the first person I started "dating" since the separation and I was with my husband since 15 years old, so no dating experience, relationships, breakups, etc.

 

[seekfirstthekingdom]

He visits you? On the side? That doesn't sound like a relationship. That sounds like you're settling for crumbs.

yes, I agree.

 

[cinder]

I have been separated for almost two years now, it was my choice to leave. No, his girlfriend does not know about me.

I have no friends to talk to about this, so I came here. A few times, me and this guy had disagreements about scriptures, how to pray, etc. where I was always made to feel I was wrong. So I turned to our Pastor. This guy went through my phone and saw the text messages to Pastor, I did not mention any names or specifics. He was so angry that I did that, he said he felt I did not believe what he was saying so I had to ask Pastor. One of the times was about prayer - He was telling me I do not pray right. I do not yell out my prayers. I like to go to my bedroom or a quiet place and according to him, that is wrong..I should be yelling, being loud...He also felt I could not possibly be praying properly because my prayers are not being answered. Another disagreement is about me working..he will refer to Matthew 6:33 - But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. So we do not have to work, God will provide what we need. I have three children still in my custody that I must provide for and my ex-husband is still not paying child support. But to this guy, I am not believing in God because if I did, I would trust God will provide and pay the rent. These arguments go on and on. He says he is looking for a woman who will submit to the man. Pastor has the same view about women. Pastor was preaching on Mother's Day and said the day should not be before Father's Day. I have not attended church in a few months now. My job is one of the reasons, or an excuse as he tells me. Too many things happening in the church that I just am not sure about. And honestly, very time consuming...two days a week at 3-4 hours each and every other Saturday 3-4 hours plus an hour drive each way.

This is the first person I started "dating" since the separation and I was with my husband since 15 years old, so no dating experience, relationships, breakups, etc.

I'm going on very little information here, but from an outside perspective and no dating experience for me either, this situation sounds manipulative and toxic. 10-12 hours of church a week that you're expected to be at plus drive time, that's the time commitment of a part time job. And you don't pray in the correct form? What Bible are these people reading, because there's little in the way of physical requirements on how or where you have to pray (and some would say that the physical descriptions are more by way of description than the real heart of the matter). Plenty of different ways people pray and even the holiest seeming people have to deal with the fact that God doesn't give them everything they ask for.

I haven't heard anything yet about this situation that would stop me from advocating as strongly as possible, GET OUT. You and your kids don't need this crap and there's nothing of God in this kind of manipulation and control. Work to take care of you and your kids and don't feel guilty about it. Also, never trust the guidance of someone who gets furious with you for seeking confirmation of what they're telling you. Trustworthy people don't mind being fact checked because they're sure that what they tell you will stand up to scrutiny.

 

[melita916]

i agree with cinder.

 

[Pipp]

I have been separated for almost two years now, it was my choice to leave. No, his girlfriend does not know about me.

I have no friends to talk to about this, so I came here. A few times, me and this guy had disagreements about scriptures, how to pray, etc. where I was always made to feel I was wrong. So I turned to our Pastor. This guy went through my phone and saw the text messages to Pastor, I did not mention any names or specifics. He was so angry that I did that, he said he felt I did not believe what he was saying so I had to ask Pastor. One of the times was about prayer - He was telling me I do not pray right. I do not yell out my prayers. I like to go to my bedroom or a quiet place and according to him, that is wrong..I should be yelling, being loud...He also felt I could not possibly be praying properly because my prayers are not being answered. Another disagreement is about me working..he will refer to Matthew 6:33 - But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. So we do not have to work, God will provide what we need. I have three children still in my custody that I must provide for and my ex-husband is still not paying child support. But to this guy, I am not believing in God because if I did, I would trust God will provide and pay the rent. These arguments go on and on. He says he is looking for a woman who will submit to the man. Pastor has the same view about women. Pastor was preaching on Mother's Day and said the day should not be before Father's Day. I have not attended church in a few months now. My job is one of the reasons, or an excuse as he tells me. Too many things happening in the church that I just am not sure about. And honestly, very time consuming...two days a week at 3-4 hours each and every other Saturday 3-4 hours plus an hour drive each way.

This is the first person I started "dating" since the separation and I was with my husband since 15 years old, so no dating experience, relationships, breakups, etc.

Sis...you need to end this...today. First off...hes living with a woman, second it's not his business how you pray to God and third...you don't need to work cause God's just gonna rain down rent from heaven?!? I don't know what Bible he's reading from but it's not one inspired by God. I'm sorry to be rude about it, but there's no benefit in being with him. He can't even lead you spiritually cause he's way off on doctrine.

 

[Agbarogi]

It is sin to live together & not yet married the bible say the bed undefiled

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I am not his wife. He has lived with his girlfriend for 5-6 years and he visits me on the side. Him and his girlfriend that he lives with attend church together, family functions together, etc.

You said you're separated not divorced. So being involved with this man means you're in adultery.
This man is living in sin with his gf. Cheating on her with you. And is so clearly and plainly a lying manipulator it's painful to see someone even consider what he's saying is true.

It sounds like there are no good guys in this story. Simply people looking to justify their sins.

 

[seekfirstthekingdom]

I'm going on very little information here, but from an outside perspective and no dating experience for me either, this situation sounds manipulative and toxic. 10-12 hours of church a week that you're expected to be at plus drive time, that's the time commitment of a part time job. And you don't pray in the correct form? What Bible are these people reading, because there's little in the way of physical requirements on how or where you have to pray (and some would say that the physical descriptions are more by way of description than the real heart of the matter). Plenty of different ways people pray and even the holiest seeming people have to deal with the fact that God doesn't give them everything they ask for.

I haven't heard anything yet about this situation that would stop me from advocating as strongly as possible, GET OUT. You and your kids don't need this crap and there's nothing of God in this kind of manipulation and control. Work to take care of you and your kids and don't feel guilty about it. Also, never trust the guidance of someone who gets furious with you for seeking confirmation of what they're telling you. Trustworthy people don't mind being fact checked because they're sure that what they tell you will stand up to scrutiny.

Yes, minimum 10-12 hours a week at church plus travel time plus there are other events held, like Womens night, Bible study night, etc. He tells me that if I am truly believing in God, I would put church first, as that is putting God first, before my job, before my family, I would trust God enough to give me what I need to survive, such as rent and food.

As for praying, I find prayer to be a personal thing and I like to go to my room, in private.
Matthew 6:5-7
“And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words."

I am being told that prayer should be done loud..yelling..not quietly. In church, the prayer time is very loud, everyone is praying out loud, yelling. The pastor has just recently changed his name from pastor to apostle.

The church teaches on the kingdom of God and Satan using the NKJV. No singing as music is of the devil. I have had so many arguments about music and movies. I just watched the movie War Room and had a huge argument that that movie is from the devil. But this guy goes to the theater and watches violent movies, etc and he watches porn. He rebukes me at least 10 times a day...If I say I am shy, if I say I can't do that, rebuke, rebuke, rebuke...I once said in the winter all the grass dies (I am in Canada), I was rebuked.

And then add that I have lent him money, slowly over the past year and a half. A lot of money. So much money that now I am being taken to court for debts (from the marriage, all credit cards and loans were in my name and because the equalization and division is not done, the collectors come after me only).

I am sorry, I should not go on and on. It is a very complicated situation I have gotten myself into.

 

[ChandlerFan]

seekfirstthekingdom, I am sorry that you have had all of these confusing and manipulative experiences. The advice offered here already has been great. I am going to just state some things in black-and-white for you. I know your situation is not going to feel so black-and-white to you, but I promise that it is.

-First of all, you deserve better than to be some guy's side chick. That in and of itself is reason alone to break off all contact with him.

-The anger and the accusations you have received from this guy for questioning things he has told you is called gaslighting. It is a manipulation tactic that is meant to take any blame for wrongdoing off of himself and make you feel bad for questioning his manipulative behavior. This would be reason #2 to break off all contact with him.

-What he is saying about marriage is not biblical, it is him dodging Scripture to justify his actions. Yes, there is a legal aspect to marriage, but if you look in Scripture from beginning to end, marriage and sex are almost synonymous. This guy is living like he is married, and from a spiritual standpoint that is enough. Reason #3 to break off all contact with him.

-This church's teachings are not biblical and, in fact, are incredibly toxic. I would never go back.

-If you are still legally married to your ex, I would make sure that your reason for separation is biblical, and if it is, I would finalize that divorce prior to pursuing any other romantic relationships.

Please please break off all contact and connections with this man and with this church. Find a church that is faithful to biblical teaching and find yourself a support base that you can trust who can help you as you seek to continue growing in your faith, raising your kids, etc. You deserve a supportive community that will build you up and point you to Jesus, not a community that puts you down and uses Scripture to justify sin.

 

[tourist]

Yes, minimum 10-12 hours a week at church plus travel time plus there are other events held, like Womens night, Bible study night, etc. He tells me that if I am truly believing in God, I would put church first, as that is putting God first, before my job, before my family, I would trust God enough to give me what I need to survive, such as rent and food.

The guy you are with is a narcissistic nut case and is trying to ruin your life. Escape while you can or accept the consequences. He doesn't have a clue as to what God expects but rather is going by own warped perception of reality. Ditch the guy and then tell him to follow his own advice and rely on the providence of God to survive because you are not going to be an enabler of him avoiding his own responsibility from making poor choices.

 

[cinder]

Yes, minimum 10-12 hours a week at church plus travel time plus there are other events held, like Womens night, Bible study night, etc. He tells me that if I am truly believing in God, I would put church first, as that is putting God first, before my job, before my family, I would trust God enough to give me what I need to survive, such as rent and food.

As for praying, I find prayer to be a personal thing and I like to go to my room, in private.
Matthew 6:5-7
“And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words."

I am being told that prayer should be done loud..yelling..not quietly. In church, the prayer time is very loud, everyone is praying out loud, yelling. The pastor has just recently changed his name from pastor to apostle.

The church teaches on the kingdom of God and Satan using the NKJV. No singing as music is of the devil. I have had so many arguments about music and movies. I just watched the movie War Room and had a huge argument that that movie is from the devil. But this guy goes to the theater and watches violent movies, etc and he watches porn. He rebukes me at least 10 times a day...If I say I am shy, if I say I can't do that, rebuke, rebuke, rebuke...I once said in the winter all the grass dies (I am in Canada), I was rebuked.

And then add that I have lent him money, slowly over the past year and a half. A lot of money. So much money that now I am being taken to court for debts (from the marriage, all credit cards and loans were in my name and because the equalization and division is not done, the collectors come after me only).

I am sorry, I should not go on and on. It is a very complicated situation I have gotten myself into.

It's not complicated from an outsider's perspective. We've pretty much universally informed you that this is a toxic situation and you need to get out. And trust me, if tourist can't find something kind or positive to say about your relationship, it's a really bad relationship. The complicated part is in you and letting these people mess with your emotions and cloud your thinking to the point that you no longer trust yourself or your instincts at all.

I've been thinking about getting this poster for myself (as a lifelong single and all) and I'd say the same to you

Because though the transition may be rough, I will guarantee you that in the end being alone will be far better than being with this guy. Might also want to look up some stuff on abuse and the cycle of abuse to get a clearer understanding of what is going on.

 

[TM19782017]

Think of Jesus and the woman at the well?

My understanding is she had sex with 5 men previously, was currently having sex with another man, yet SHE believed she was not married.
Her response of having no husband tells me that, even though she knew none of those men were HER husband, Jesus told her she has been married 5 times already.

Our current time of living is crazy.... Having physical relations and being naked with another is no big deal but, defining their interactions is fearful.
The classic, “I don’t want anything serious” answer is funny to me.
How much more serious can 2 people be than joining bodies? Funny!

 

[Didymous]

Seekyefirstthekingdom, you've been given a lot of good advice. I hope you take it. And it sounds like you need a better church, as well.