If You've Ever Sought Help for a Problem, Was it Really of Very Much Help?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I've been doing some personal reflection lately and have been thinking about this subject a lot.

Admittedly, when someone says they're struggling, I'll be the first one to suggest going for "help", whether in the form of reading books, taking classes, talking to those in power, seeking medical treatment, support groups -- whatever means are out there (within legal and Christian boundaries) -- I would fully support.

However, as I think about my own life, I think about all the things I've tried... And have to wonder if they really helped much at all.

My last venture was looking up online support groups for disordered eating (which I think most everyone suffers from to an extent these days.) I was working too much to really commit to a regular real-life meeting, and I like that the online world can work around most any schedule one may have.

But what I seemed to find was a lot of people beating themselves up over their daily food choices, such as, "I ate a donut today -- I'm a total loser, and I hate myself."

Now, I'm certainly not trying to criticize, because I've often felt that way myself. But as I spent a little more time around the group, it seemed to be going in a constant circle of self-flagellation rather than moving away from the cycle and in a healthier direction. I realize it might take some time to get to that point, but I knew I couldn't stay there or I would quickly move in that direction, too.

Another time, I went to a doctor with some concerns about both my physical and emotional health -- and walked out of the office with 6 prescriptions. I threw all of them away except one, which was for a temporary physical ailment, and I stopped taking it as soon as the pain was gone. I'd gone the meds route before, and I wasn't interested in being put on another cornucopia of drugs.

I found it ironic that I am always telling people to go for help, and yet, when I really think about, the professional or established help I tried to get over the years generally proved ineffective. In all honesty, I think the things that helped me most were the every day people who took the time to listen to me over the years, bit by bit. But I don't want to be a hypocrite in suggesting to other people to seek out whatever resources they can.

I still believe in seeking out help, because I realize that different things may work differently for different people. And this is where I'd like to turn to all of you.

As singles, we are all told to spend all this glorious single time getting closer (no sarcasm here! ) to the Lord and making ourselves better for a future spouse.

But how has that been working out for everyone?

* What kinds of help have you sought over the years, and what did you find to be effective or not?

* If you could change something about "the system", what would it be? (What things do you believe would be more effective in helping people?) Would you make more services anonymous? Would you want to see the stigma/shame around certain issues removed?

* If someone came to you with a problem, would you recommend that they go for help, and what kinds of things would you recommend to them? (Counselor, doctor, group, 12-step program, meds, etc.)

I realize this is a very general way of talking about a subject that can be highly specific -- people with very different problems will also need very different strategies. But this is exactly why I'm hoping this discussion will be interesting -- because everyone will have their own personal experience, which might be completely different from the next person.

I also realize that this topic could be too personal for some. If you'd still like to contribute, maybe you could write a post about something you've observed in someone else's life (or write as if you were talking about a friend), if you don't want to talk about yourself. Please DON'T feel that you have to list what you have struggled with AT ALL -- you can write your entire post around a generic, unnamed "issue" so that no one has to know what it is you've been seeking help for.

I'm also trying to think of an anonymous, multiple-choice poll to add that will hopefully get the conversation started. Unfortunately, the poll limits won't let me put in as many answers as I'd like, but we'll work with what we've got.

I'm really hoping people will want to share, and I'm looking forward to learning from your answers.

Feel free to ask for prayer as well, if you'd like the rest of us to pray with you about anything you need help with.

God bless, and we're all in this together!

 

[JustEli]

I've been to some group meetings, and found them highly depressing. Hi I'm Eli I just
won the lotto, thats ok...... I guess.

I find the most effective modus operandi is to speak with a trusted friend, that shares
similar experience and outlook. Someone who has been through the wringer and has the scars
to prove it.
The kind of person that makes you dig deep for answers, even if it hurts.
Because holding my hand and telling me its all gonna work out
does very little for me.

Time of course merely covers wounds, while the blood of the Lamb heals them.

 

[Magenta]

 

[seoulsearch]

Dag nab it.

I hit "Enter" at the end of the last poll choice I wrote and it automatically posted, so I assume I ran out of posts.

Sorry everyone.

Some of the other choices I would have liked to include were:

1. I have never sought help for a problem, and I don't intend to, because _______.

2. I have seen others seek help, and it helped them a lot (tell us what happened.)

3. I have seen others seek help, and it did not work (why do you feel that is?)

4. I have seen others seek help, and it made things worse (what happened?0

5. I don't believe in seeking outside help aside from my relationship with God and prayer.

I'm sure there are others, but that's what I came up with for now. DON'T feel limited by the given poll choices -- please feel free to give any answer you have of your own.

Looking forward to an honest and hopefully, helpful conversation.

 

[tourist]

But what I seemed to find was a lot of people beating themselves up over their daily food choices, such as, "I ate a donut today -- I'm a total loser, and I hate myself."

These peeps need to consider the 12 step support program offered by Dunkin' Donut's that offer coffee and donuts. I'm talking jelly-filled here. For the serious cases there are lemon filled too. Don't get me started on the Munchkins.

 

[Lynx]

Hmm... my mother once sought "help" for me when i was in high school. Seems she was concerned that I wasn't making friends and developing a social life, so she sent me to a psychologist. It didn't help because there was no problem to fix. I just didn't think anything my peers were interested in was important enough to bother with. And when I grew up I found I was right. My mother is a lot less worried about me now. I think.

I seem to give people help without really trying. All I do is listen while they talk. Once in a while I ask a question about a point that I don't understand. Somehow it helps them work out their problems. I think mostly they have to talk themselves into admitting to themselves things they already know but don't want to admit they know. All I know is other people do pretty much all the talking and work out their problems, then thank me for my good advice.

There is a book my mother has that I borrowed, that I found really enlightening. It's called The Cracker Factory. It's about a normal woman, wife, mother, who has a drinking problem that has put her in the local hospital's psych ward multiple times. The woman's husband tries his dead level best to ignore her problem. The doctor at the hospital is no help at all. My mother liked it for the wit in the writing. I found it a fascinating case study of how people deal with problems. The specific problem in the story is alcohol, but the coping methods and eventual solutions can be applied to many personal problems.

Cool! Amazon still has it!
https://www.amazon.com/Cracker-Factory-Joyce-Rebeta-Burditt/dp/0553147862
No I'm not getting a commission on this. I promise.

 

[Hamarr]

I would have to agree about confiding in people that have been there and done that. If someone hasn't been there, their advice is often fluff at best or potentially damaging. A lot of people fall back to platitudes and that sort of thing. People who have similar experiences to me have been there and know what I am struggling with. And in turn, can reach out to me over time because I know what they have also dealt with.

I have generally found peer support to be more helpful than going to doctors and the like, though specialists can sometimes help. It really depends on the group, though. There's a saying about picking winners I heard recently that comes to mind. People who have struggled with the same thing and are making progress with their issues.

 

[Adelia]

The problem determines the help I would seek. I begin in prayer. I may go to a trusted friend or a professional if necessary.

 

[cinder]

I'm pretty terrible about asking for help. So much so that a former roommate once said something like "Yeah and if cinder calls and says she could use some help, that should be like the equivalent of anyone else screaming into the phone 'I need your help ASAP'. That being said I find either sympathetic friends or sympathetic books to be most helpful. That and depending on the issue also a lot of solitude preferably out in nature (no I'm not excited at all that it's hiking season, whatever gave you that idea).

Fortunately, I have no problems whatsoever and my life and mentality are perfect. My shrink says I have a huge problem with denial, but what does he know? (jk)

 

[LateBloomer]

I learned early on in my life to deal with things on my own. I kind of had to. I’m the oldest of eight. My parents were way too busy dealing with the little ones and trying to ensure the bills got paid. These days I often do my own research like read articles, books, etc. I’m generally an open book so I’ll share one of the most difficult situations I ever had to deal with. In this case, I did get outside help. I needed it.

It was a Friday in April 2003. I was coming home from work and on my way home I found out something about my marriage, I didn’t expect at all. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a tough day, but I thought I was ok. About 6 weeks later, I was about to go to bed when major anxiety hit me. Like I had never felt before. I barely slept that night, and this would only be the beginning.

At first, I tried to deal with it the best I could on my own. It was there all day every day, but not that bad in the morning and it would build as the day went on. Thank goodness. For that reason, it didn’t impact me working too much. I think being busy and distracted during the day helped keep it at bay. I was always dreading going home though because I knew what the evening would be like. Difficult…

I ended up seeing a doctor quickly. I’d say within about the 1st week or so. The doc put me on Prozac. I can’t really say if it helped or not. I think it did, but I’m not certain. I had a lot of trouble sleeping pretty much every night for a while. I ended up coming up with a system that worked well to help me sleep.

I would always sleep on the couch and put the movie Remember the Titans in. I would put the movie on, close my eyes, and just listen to it. This worked well. I’d usually fall asleep before it was over and sleep through the night. Remember the Titans will always have a special place in my heart!

I also talked to my dad a bunch that summer. Probably the most I have since I left home when I was 18. I think he was hyped. The situation got me back reading The Bible every day and talking about God. He thought The Holy Spirit was on the move and I was going to get saved. Not yet… He’d have to wait another 11 years.

In September, my wife and I separated. I hate to say it, but I think this helped. Anyway, by December of 2003, I was way better. My Prozac was running out and I had no refills. I just let it drop. Stupid, I know. But the anxiety was gone. It’s never come back since.

I think everything I described helped me in some way. Some of it more than others. My general view on this is that it’s probably good for us to deal with some things on our own, but also good to seek outside help when we need it. In my opinion, there’s no weakness in that. The NT is replete with examples of Christians helping each other.

 

[JustEli]

oh man...... the sleepless nights, the anxiety. The what shoulda been, the what ifs.

 

[Hungry]

Whenever I come here to CC for help I learn a lot. Mostly I learn that posters rarely read what others post and several times not even the one that’s referenced. Also I learn that the more you try to explain yourself, the less others understand. Usually after a few pages, multiple debates have arisen, often on random scripture misquoted. By then not only are you further from a clear decision but often have been made aware of several other problems brought to light.

 

[Dino246]

When the ex got sick fifteen years ago with depression and related disorders, I tried talking to a counselor. It was awkward, but I really wanted help. I slowly got past the uncertainty, and learned to trust the Lord in the counseling process.

After the marriage ended, I spent many hours with a counselor. Instead of trying to process why the divorce happened, we just worked on my issues. He showed me how to take my relational and emotional junk to the Lord and deal with it effectively. I still reflect on those lessons and repeat some of them now and then. I wish I had been able to get that kind of input at age 15!

 

[Aephus]

Hey Everyone,

I've been doing some personal reflection lately and have been thinking about this subject a lot.

Admittedly, when someone says they're struggling, I'll be the first one to suggest going for "help", whether in the form of reading books, taking classes, talking to those in power, seeking medical treatment, support groups -- whatever means are out there (within legal and Christian boundaries) -- I would fully support.

However, as I think about my own life, I think about all the things I've tried... And have to wonder if they really helped much at all.

My last venture was looking up online support groups for disordered eating (which I think most everyone suffers from to an extent these days.) I was working too much to really commit to a regular real-life meeting, and I like that the online world can work around most any schedule one may have.

But what I seemed to find was a lot of people beating themselves up over their daily food choices, such as, "I ate a donut today -- I'm a total loser, and I hate myself."

Now, I'm certainly not trying to criticize, because I've often felt that way myself. But as I spent a little more time around the group, it seemed to be going in a constant circle of self-flagellation rather than moving away from the cycle and in a healthier direction. I realize it might take some time to get to that point, but I knew I couldn't stay there or I would quickly move in that direction, too.

Another time, I went to a doctor with some concerns about both my physical and emotional health -- and walked out of the office with 6 prescriptions. I threw all of them away except one, which was for a temporary physical ailment, and I stopped taking it as soon as the pain was gone. I'd gone the meds route before, and I wasn't interested in being put on another cornucopia of drugs.

I found it ironic that I am always telling people to go for help, and yet, when I really think about, the professional or established help I tried to get over the years generally proved ineffective. In all honesty, I think the things that helped me most were the every day people who took the time to listen to me over the years, bit by bit. But I don't want to be a hypocrite in suggesting to other people to seek out whatever resources they can.

I still believe in seeking out help, because I realize that different things may work differently for different people. And this is where I'd like to turn to all of you.

As singles, we are all told to spend all this glorious single time getting closer (no sarcasm here! ) to the Lord and making ourselves better for a future spouse.

But how has that been working out for everyone?

* What kinds of help have you sought over the years, and what did you find to be effective or not?

* If you could change something about "the system", what would it be? (What things do you believe would be more effective in helping people?) Would you make more services anonymous? Would you want to see the stigma/shame around certain issues removed?

* If someone came to you with a problem, would you recommend that they go for help, and what kinds of things would you recommend to them? (Counselor, doctor, group, 12-step program, meds, etc.)

I realize this is a very general way of talking about a subject that can be highly specific -- people with very different problems will also need very different strategies. But this is exactly why I'm hoping this discussion will be interesting -- because everyone will have their own personal experience, which might be completely different from the next person.

I also realize that this topic could be too personal for some. If you'd still like to contribute, maybe you could write a post about something you've observed in someone else's life (or write as if you were talking about a friend), if you don't want to talk about yourself. Please DON'T feel that you have to list what you have struggled with AT ALL -- you can write your entire post around a generic, unnamed "issue" so that no one has to know what it is you've been seeking help for.

I'm also trying to think of an anonymous, multiple-choice poll to add that will hopefully get the conversation started. Unfortunately, the poll limits won't let me put in as many answers as I'd like, but we'll work with what we've got.

I'm really hoping people will want to share, and I'm looking forward to learning from your answers.

Feel free to ask for prayer as well, if you'd like the rest of us to pray with you about anything you need help with.

God bless, and we're all in this together!

* What kinds of help have you sought over the years, and what did you find to be effective or not?

I’ve noticed a lot of the time I already have the answers, it’s just about if I’m ready to go through and apply them or not. This usually prevents me from asking for help.
There are times I have asked for help though.
I asked for help with my role at work recently. I had been promoted to a supervisor and was having difficulty meeting everything that was expected of me. I was really overwhelmed and wasn’t seeing how I could ever accomplish everything, as my personal load wasn’t decreasing, and now I was responsible for other people? I didn’t want to have to work extra hours regularly feeling stressed every moment, so I asked for help. Granted the advice/direction wasn’t the 100% answer, I believe it helped me get to the right answer. Also it gave me an opportunity to let my bosses know that I was extremely overwhelmed and was having trouble. It really bothered me that I wasn’t performing well (as far as my new responsibilities), even though I was working my tail off.

* If you could change something about "the system", what would it be? (What things do you believe would be more effective in helping people?) Would you make more services anonymous? Would you want to see the stigma/shame around certain issues removed?

Hm, this is an interesting question. The person seeking the help must truly want it.
Anonymity may help in helping someone express themselves because there is really no repercussions for being transparent. It can take a bit of the pressure off. But this may just be revealing my own struggles/insecurities. I can have a hard time being transparent when I’m struggling.
I really like this question.
Some may say/think that asking for help is a weakness, but I think it actually takes strength to admit we don’t have all the answers and can’t do it all. It definitely takes humility. As far as stigma/shame, I don’t think it should exist, and if someone were to confide in you with something they were truly struggling with, we should try and be as understanding as possible. Something I don’t struggle with may be something difficult for someone else.

* If someone came to you with a problem, would you recommend that they go for help, and what kinds of things would you recommend to them? (Counselor, doctor, group, 12-step program, meds, etc.)

I guess it just depends on the problem. I feel like I was much better at this when I was younger. But I do also find that when I’m really on fire for God, I’m able to speak into people’s lives. Not that it’s me, but God working in and through me. And there are other times I’m clueless and have no idea what to do or say.

 

[Dan58]

* If someone came to you with a problem, would you recommend that they go for help, and what kinds of things would you recommend to them? (Counselor, doctor, group, 12-step program, meds, etc.)

Recommending someone go somewhere else for help isn't being much help. (i.e; I need help painting my house.. Call a painter). That's advice, but its not offering any direct help. Generally, when I express a problem, I get an opinion in response, and everyone has an opinion. The best help is when someone gets personally involved and helps. A couple of examples;

I need help finding a girlfriend... Advice; sign-up on Match.com... Help; I'll introduce you to a couple of available ladies.
I"m injured........... Advice; call a doctor..... Help; The Parable of the Good Samaritan

 

[cinder]

Trying to get help from people who haven't been through something themselves is like:

 

[seoulsearch]

Recommending someone go somewhere else for help isn't being much help. (i.e; I need help painting my house.. Call a painter). That's advice, but its not offering any direct help. Generally, when I express a problem, I get an opinion in response, and everyone has an opinion. The best help is when someone gets personally involved and helps. A couple of examples;

I need help finding a girlfriend... Advice; sign-up on Match.com... Help; I'll introduce you to a couple of available ladies.
I"m injured........... Advice; call a doctor..... Help; The Parable of the Good Samaritan

Thanks for bringing this up, Dan. This is a good way at looking how a statement might be interpreted differently.

I was thinking in terms of offering some kind of assistance, which, in the situations I usually find myself in, means directing the person to someone with more experience. For example, I've always had a lot of people talk to me who are trying to get over abusive pasts, dysfunctional home lives, addictions, etc., so I often try to steer people towards professional help in addition to just talking to everyday people like me, because I'm definitely not qualified to be of much help in those areas.

I definitely get what you're saying though -- great point about doing whatever good we can, while we can, and in the moment, if possible.

 

[Dino246]

Recommending someone go somewhere else for help isn't being much help. (i.e; I need help painting my house.. Call a painter). That's advice, but its not offering any direct help. Generally, when I express a problem, I get an opinion in response, and everyone has an opinion. The best help is when someone gets personally involved and helps. A couple of examples;

I need help finding a girlfriend... Advice; sign-up on Match.com... Help; I'll introduce you to a couple of available ladies.
I"m injured........... Advice; call a doctor..... Help; The Parable of the Good Samaritan

This is a very good point, and it is worthwhile asking oneself. Its applicability is limited though. If I come across a person who has apparently fallen on the sidewalk and is non-responsive, I'm calling 9-1-1, because I don't "do" serious First Aid. If my neighbour needs to rebuild his car engine, I'll suggest he call the local mechanic, because I have neither the tools nor the expertise.

There are two aspects to consider: am I able to help, and am I called to help.

For example, I can help the woman who is having relational problems with her husband. However, it is best to direct her to a mature female. Many pastors try to counsel people who are dealing with problems the pastor has never encountered, let alone experienced, and they end up doing more harm because they don't think "Hey, I'm not the best person to help here."

 

[cinder]

For example, I can help the woman who is having relational problems with her husband. However, it is best to direct her to a mature female. Many pastors try to counsel people who are dealing with problems the pastor has never encountered, let alone experienced, and they end up doing more harm because they don't think "Hey, I'm not the best person to help here."

I think sometimes we as christians, and especially pastors, can end up feeling stuck between our frailty and our faith. There are times when a pastor probably should say I'm not the best person to help, but saying that leads to questions of is the wisdom of God not sufficient, can God not handle this, if Christ can really heal all the brokenness of the world shouldn't he be enough, etc.

All too often this ends up as a kind of, well we don't want to send them to the world (one of the questions that keeps me from seeking advice in a lot of places is the concern that while I may get advice that will enable me to get what I want, I'm not so sure that such advice will be in keeping with God's commands and values) but since we really don't know what to tell them we end up giving them mostly useless platitudes like read your Bible more and pray about it (good things to do, but certainly not a whole answer in addressing a serious problem) or some vague wait on God and he will somehow magically fix it.

 

[Lynx]

Trying to get help from people who haven't been through something themselves is like:

Yeah, but I do have to agree with Mr. Newhart about horoscopes. We definitely don't go there. =^.^=