Thank you so much for your kind words, Magenta.
I appreciate it so much but I have to tell you, I think anyone who's read several of my posts also knows I can be meaner than a viper and not the best role model as far as temperament!
I highly respect you as a wise, very giving Christian sister and am grateful for the things you share. I'm always looking for people to learn from in my Christian walk and for me, there's no better place than among other Christians who are honest and real about how hard walking that walk really is.
I think it's unfair for me to just sit in and read about everyone else, so I want to be honest in sharing that my greatest lifelong struggle has been with disordered eating. I call it disordered eating rather than an eating disorder because I've never fit into one particular category, and when I went to professionals for help, oddly enough, they totally disregarded what I told them about the eating and said that I had depression instead.
I understand that depression can be a root cause, but their solution (not surprisingly) was to try to put me on a myriad of antidepressant drugs. One of the churches I was heavily involved in (also unsurprisingly) told me to "throw away all the drugs" and "just believe" Jesus had healed me instead.
And so, after about a 10-year stretch and more counselors than I can remember, I couldn't see where the medical angle was helping me (but I thoroughly encourage anyone struggling with something to please seek professional help, because it just might work for you), I decided, no more "mood" medications, no more counselors (some were even Christian), and I'll see how I fare just trying to walk with God.
I certainly don't want to sound like I'm in some kind of dire situation. In my own estimation, I was never extreme, but in our own eyes, I guess we never are, huh? God has been so good to me in helping me to finally get up and move on from the things that really flare up my symptoms (such as the wrong friendships and relationships.) It took me years to let these things go because I was highly emotionally co-dependent. But now my relationship with food is much closer to normal than it's ever been before and I have only God and very patient people to thank for that.
And the one thing I'm grateful for in all of this is that I think it gives me just a small glimpse into the struggles of my Christian brothers and sisters. Like Paul, I've prayed many times that God would take away this "thorn" in my flesh, but it's still there. I can just imagine how many times my Christian brothers and sisters have prayed for the obsessive thoughts and cravings to go away, but every morning you wake up, and those feelings are still there.
I don't know what it's like to have to struggle with not taking a drink (that leads to an endless stream of more), but I know what it's like to be addicted to a substance, and for me, that would be food. I know what it's like to plan your entire days off or weeks around buying 3 or more bags of groceries, cooking/preparing them all, scarfing down every last morsel and then worrying about how you're going to prevent it from affecting your appearance, using every means necessary, such as purging, obsessive exercise, starving, and using sleeping pills that you're hoping will make you continuously sleep instead of eating.
Every day when I look at food in stores, ads, windows, and restaurants everywhere around me, every time I feel stressed out and try to avoid the destructive cycle I know I'm secretly planning in the back of my mind, I think about what it must be like for people who wake up in the morning and feel surrounded by the substances they crave and obsessively start planning their days around, and I feel broken-hearted for them.
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories.
I know mine is in a different category and I held back from sharing because a problem like this makes me feel a little out of place when it comes to sitting among those who really know what a true fight is. Thank you for being so gracious to listen.
Even if I don't say much here, I'm trying to follow along and will definitely be praying for the people who are bravely sharing their struggles, and taking that huge risk in order to reach out to others.
God bless and thank you so much again.
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