How Many More People Would Be Married Right Now If It Wasn't For Long Distances?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Many of the other singles I talk to these days have either been or are interested in someone who is very far away, have attempted or are attempting a relationship with someone who is a long distance away from them, or were/are still in a long-distance relationship and trying to figure out a way to be closer to each other or even marry.

With the internet making it possible to literally meet someone from anywhere in the world every day, it seems that most single people who spend any time online have met someone they were interested in, but distance always got in the way.

I have often wondered if this is God's current intent for many singles -- does God really want us to meet someone we could potentially marry, but that person is literally half the world away? (And of course, for some people, living even an hour away from each other might be as challenging as living on opposite sides of the galaxy.)

Does God expect us to trust Him to overcome all these hurdles (time, transportation, trust, major expense, etc.) and marry anyway? Or does He want most of us to cut away the heartstrings we've accumulated, sometimes after years of connection, and just keep going until we meet someone... closer?

I don't think there are any right or wrong answers here (but I could be wrong.) This thread is just meant to start a discussion about thoughts and expereinces such as:

* What do you define as being a "long distance", and have you or would you try to make a long-distance relationship work?

* How much would you put into a long-distance relationship and why? (I realize this depends on how serious it is, but that's also a big component of this topic -- if you're interested in someone far away, how much time, effort, and money would you have to put into getting to know them in order to KNOW that it was "serious"?)

* Do you think you would you be married now if it wasn't for distance? Are you still hanging on, or did you have to let a long-distance situation go?

* Has distance ever worked in your favor? (Did God save you from a bad relationship or situation because it was so far away?)

I am also going to include a poll that will hopefully give us an idea of how many readers/posters have been affected by distance in their quest to find a spouse.

All thoughts are welcome and thank you in advance for sharing.

 

[Lynx]

(To the tune of Cotton-Eyed Joe)

If it hadn't been for the distance to go
I'd have been married a long time ago
I wouldn't travel, I was too slow
So I'm still single, cause I wouldn't go


Aside from that, I have nothing to contribute. I have no idea what I would do for a long distance affaire-de-coeur. It would all depend on what is required, my resources, her resources and how much each of us are doing to surmount the difficulties.

 

[Lynx]

I will remark that it's very easy to get a phone plan with unlimited calling these days, so at least long distance phone charges shouldn't be a burden any more.

 

[seoulsearch]

I will remark that it's very easy to get a phone plan with unlimited calling these days, so at least long distance phone charges shouldn't be a burden any more.

This is actually a very pertinent point -- back in the day, I know costs over long-distance calls was a huge concern even for the sake of just maintaining friendships.

Beh. I also noticed that I accidentally repeated a poll option. Sigh. Well, I guess it wouldn't truly be a Seoulsearch post without at least a few typos. 🙂

 

[Magenta]

I will remark that it's very easy to get a phone plan with unlimited calling these days, so at least long distance phone charges shouldn't be a burden any more.

Skype is free! You can text, or use web cam, or both at the same time. When Bob and I started communicating with each other, it was text only through this site from last September until December, just before Christmas, at which time we started texting on skype. We went to web cam on skype near the end of May Of course distance is an issue, as are finances, but we spend a lot of time together regardless.

 

[Magenta]

Oh, I left out the skype voice option We started talking on skype just before Christmas

 

[TabinRivCA]

Speaking for my son, he met his wife on 'Discord'. I don't know much about Discord but it worked for them. He has no problems getting dates but started talking to his now wife, who lives in the Philippines, for close to a year. He came and told me 'she is the one'. He is now in the Philippines with her and I'm hoping for more grandchildren soon.
As for me, I prefer to keep it local. Lots of nice Godly men at my church within reach, lol.

 

[laughingheart]

I've done the long distance option before, three times. It was across the world, then another province and then another city (six hours away). They all worked with varying levels of success but there were a lot of drawbacks that ultimately could not move forward. You miss a lot of what you need to know. The benefit is getting to learn things about each other that could get missed if hormones clouded your judgement. You rely on talking and may go deeper in conversation than if you had other distractions. The difficulties that ensue, if you decide you want to be together, if you are from different countries, are huge and expensive. Even different cities means someone has to uproot their jobs/homes/family situations. It is rough.

 

[cinder]

Personally I would consider long distance as far enough away that if I get together with this person one of us has to pretty much completely pack up and abandon our lives and start a completely new one to move to be with the other. For me that means 2 hours away or more , depending on the other person's willingness to meet me in the middle, would make something long distance.

I can recall once where distance kept me from bringing up the topic of getting together with a guy, but I think the generally applicable idea is that distance causes the early stages of the relationship to require a higher level of intent and commitment than would be required for a local relationship. One of the things I would always consider is how would "getting into a relationship" with someone on the opposite end of the computer screen change our practical day to day and near term interaction. For me, I don't think I'd be expressing serious interest in someone I've only known from a distance until I had the money and vacation time saved up to go meet them if they also liked the idea of meeting to see how we got along in real life and if we wanted based on that data to start a relationship. Until we're ready to meet in person, I just don't see the wisdom of moving the definition of the friendship to relationship or relationship in potentia or whatever it would be. But then I'm one of those old fashioned people who thinks that you only get into a relationship because you want to consider the possibility of marriage with a person.

And while my frequent travels halfway or more around the world have probably contributed to my lack of dating and marriage, I don't think that they were ever the primary cause of it nor were they insurmountable obstacles if I'd encountered someone I really wanted to be with.

 

[seoulsearch]

Very intriguing to me that so far it's been almost all women who have replied... 🤔

Maybe it's just a coincidence?

 

[tourist]

My rule of thumb when I was single was that I would consider anyone that lived in the continental US.

Years ago, my younger brother who lives in Orlando met a woman online that lived in the Philippines. He saw her there after a couple months, stayed a couple weeks. A couple months later he arranged for her to get a US fiancée visa, went back to get her and married her less than a month later. They are still married after 22 years and their son just completed his second year of college.

My second marriage to my late wife I lived in Orlando and flew to Maine to meet her. Brought her back with me 6 days later, and married her 2 months later. I met my current wife on this site but the distance from Orlando to Clearwater, Florida is only about 120 miles so compared to the other 2 marriages I mentioned, we were already practically neighbors.

The OP was correct in saying that with online romances distance is can often be a hurdle, but with determination and love in your heart this hurdle can be overcome.

 

[tourist]

This is actually a very pertinent point -- back in the day, I know costs over long-distance calls was a huge concern even for the sake of just maintaining friendships.

Beh. I also noticed that I accidentally repeated a poll option. Sigh. Well, I guess it wouldn't truly be a Seoulsearch post without at least a few typos. 🙂

Yeah, I spent a bunch back in the day talking to my soon to be second wife.

 

[seoulsearch]

I've done the long distance option before, three times. It was across the world, then another province and then another city (six hours away). They all worked with varying levels of success but there were a lot of drawbacks that ultimately could not move forward. You miss a lot of what you need to know. The benefit is getting to learn things about each other that could get missed if hormones clouded your judgement. You rely on talking and may go deeper in conversation than if you had other distractions. The difficulties that ensue, if you decide you want to be together, if you are from different countries, are huge and expensive. Even different cities means someone has to uproot their jobs/homes/family situations. It is rough.

Thanks very much for this especially poignant response, Laughingheart (and everyone else's posts have been very informative as well, please, keep 'em coming!"

Your post really stood out to me because for some reason, I've often talked to people who are at the peak of a high from deciding they are in love with someone who is a world away, whether literally or figuratively, and at that stage, it seems all rational thinking gets thrown out the door.

At the time, it seems there is the temptation to think, "God wants me to be with this person - He is going to make a way!"

Of course, in some cases, He does. But more often than not, I wind up talking to people in the aftermath - AFTER they find out they've been catfished, or the person on the other end isn't anything like what they thought, or the expenses and constant hoops of reality (as you mentioned, passports, travel, regulations, vaccinations, visas, cultural expectations, moving and starting over, trying to find work in a new area) has burned them out and left the disillusioned.

In a few cases, the couples even got married, but heartbreakingly, it ended up in divorce.

I've been in a couple of situations in which I thought my choice was "from the Lord," so surely He would make a way for it to work, despite the tremendous obstacles.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was me trying to impose my will on God and not His leading, which leaves me to wonder how any of us can tell the difference, and even more importantly, to back away when needed.

 

[melita916]

How far? 2 hr drive lol

 

[Hamarr]

None of the options seemed to fit my views.

When I was younger. I liked the idea. I was caught up in the idea of finding “the one” in an MMO or something like all of the stories coming out around the time. I was also more of a believer in the idea of “the one” back then in general.

Not too much longer, the reality of the idea set in. What if you haven’t spent a lot of time together and there was nothing there once reality set in. Plus the logistics of someone needing to relocate, the lack of trust until you’re together and that sort of thing. Plus the potential for being catfished.

I guess I am skeptical, too, of how well you can really know someone or what it is like to be around them in a long distance situation unless you were together for awhile before one or both had to relocate. What if you get along great online, over the phone, and during a weekend visit but find it is a disaster when you try to make a life together in person? Or it doesn’t work out after one person has gone through the hassle of relocating and starting over.

I might be a bit of a grumpy mood. I’m coming to a realization about how much I fear enmeshment/engulfment. That may or may not be reflected in my answer. 😛

 

[calibob]

Oh, I left out the skype voice option We started talking on skype just before Christmas

I've done the long distance option before, three times. It was across the world, then another province and then another city (six hours away). They all worked with varying levels of success but there were a lot of drawbacks that ultimately could not move forward. You miss a lot of what you need to know. The benefit is getting to learn things about each other that could get missed if hormones clouded your judgement. You rely on talking and may go deeper in conversation than if you had other distractions. The difficulties that ensue, if you decide you want to be together, if you are from different countries, are huge and expensive. Even different cities means someone has to uproot their jobs/homes/family situations. It is rough.

Mostly true but I'm retired and I never got very attached to any location so when the money get's right. I'm going to the woman I love. My children are parents now so they should be able to carry on without me. I've been single since 1986. It's about time that I enjoy life. Go were I want and be with who I love. If she'll have me, if God is willing. That's all.

 

[laughingheart]

Thanks very much for this especially poignant response, Laughingheart (and everyone else's posts have been very informative as well, please, keep 'em coming!"

Your post really stood out to me because for some reason, I've often talked to people who are at the peak of a high from deciding they are in love with someone who is a world away, whether literally or figuratively, and at that stage, it seems all rational thinking gets thrown out the door.

At the time, it seems there is the temptation to think, "God wants me to be with this person - He is going to make a way!"

Of course, in some cases, He does. But more often than not, I wind up talking to people in the aftermath - AFTER they find out they've been catfished, or the person on the other end isn't anything like what they thought, or the expenses and constant hoops of reality (as you mentioned, passports, travel, regulations, vaccinations, visas, cultural expectations, moving and starting over, trying to find work in a new area) has burned them out and left the disillusioned.

In a few cases, the couples even got married, but heartbreakingly, it ended up in divorce.

I've been in a couple of situations in which I thought my choice was "from the Lord," so surely He would make a way for it to work, despite the tremendous obstacles.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was me trying to impose my will on God and not His leading, which leaves me to wonder how any of us can tell the difference, and even more importantly, to back away when needed.

I hear you. You are so honest. Thanks for that.

 

[love_comes_softly]

Hey Everyone,

* What do you define as being a "long distance", and have you or would you try to make a long-distance relationship work?

* How much would you put into a long-distance relationship and why? (I realize this depends on how serious it is, but that's also a big component of this topic -- if you're interested in someone far away, how much time, effort, and money would you have to put into getting to know them in order to KNOW that it was "serious"?)

* Do you think you would you be married now if it wasn't for distance? Are you still hanging on, or did you have to let a long-distance situation go?

* Has distance ever worked in your favor? (Did God save you from a bad relationship or situation because it was so far away?)

I am also going to include a poll that will hopefully give us an idea of how many readers/posters have been affected by distance in their quest to find a spouse.

All thoughts are welcome and thank you in advance for sharing.

I think long distance can work, but only for so long before it either ends in marriage OR just completely ends.

If you WANT a relationship, long distance for any length of time makes the unlikeliness of it happening increase. I should say, I think couples that live in the same area that delay advancing their relationship have the same issue. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to end with a happy story (in general).

If I were being honest, I think I'd most definitely be married, BUT praise God for the distance because it was not a relationship that should have been pursued, let alone one that should have taken place.


Great thoughtful questions. May have more to add later.

 

[Lynx]

I've been in a couple of situations in which I thought my choice was "from the Lord," so surely He would make a way for it to work, despite the tremendous obstacles.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was me trying to impose my will on God and not His leading, which leaves me to wonder how any of us can tell the difference, and even more importantly, to back away when needed.

For me (in everything, relationships, living quarters, job opportunities, you name it) it seems to work best to not even try to predict God's direction. Don't even TRY to tell the difference: Just keep going in life and see what happens. If something is wrong God will let me know. He has before. In the meantime it is exhausting to ask "Is this what God wants?" every time a situation comes up. I ask God sometimes, but if God doesn't tell me anything then worrying just wears me out. I'll put in an application if I want the job, but then I'll pray if it's where I should be let it go through, but if that's not a good place for me then let it fall through. Whatever happens, happens. If what happens is not what I want, life goes on.

It really helps that I don't feel I need a relationship RIGHT NOW and I can afford to wait. I don't have to try to pressure God into making it happen or anticipate which way I should jump to land in the relationship that would be perfect for me.

Of course I'm still single, so some people would consider that a relationship failure. But I have dodged a lot of bullets...

 

[Pipp]

If distance wasnt a thing I most likely would have been in a relationship that isnt what God wanted for me. While it hurt at the time, Im thankful for the distance and God not just handing me what I wanted.