Marriage help - prayer please

[Hopeful85]

Torn on what to share here and will likely censor a lot but desperately in need of prayer. I know The Lord knows all of this and knows the outcome , He knows the bits I’ll be skimming over and He knows my part in this - I guess I’m probably after prayer and advice or just possibly I’m being selfish and venting again not satisfied with previous advice elsewhere so I am so sorry if that’s the case - I just can’t judge my own motives any more .

I’ve searched and search the internet for advice forums specific to this topic from a Christian perspective but the one site has not yet received funding for a moderator. I’ve had advice and reactions from ladies online that are appalled and they are saddened and disgusted at my husbands behaviour but because I am a believer in my head and heart I’m then questioning if it’s bad enough to warrant me leaving or how to or what to do I don’t want to break up my family do I put up and shut up and pray .

The situation is that I’m married , he’s not a Christian - he drinks smokes things and takes things occasionally I’ve now found out. He watches porn most nights and I have to sleep separately because I know I’ll have no choice in sex if next to him as my “no turns him on”( sorry) . His happy moods are few and far between and when he’s happy I’m berated for being a spoil sport or too serious because he tends to take things to the extreme. He shouts slams and huffs and I don’t know how to react .

I can’t disagree with him regarding anything and after these years together I just bite my tongue . When I don’t bite my tongue it can escalate to him being aggressive physically- in the past years he’s twisted my arm back , pushed and kicked me on the floor ( not as bad as it looks written down) , pushed me down many times, put his hand around throat marking it and held his fist to punch me in face but missing .

I long for God to change him and yet I feel it’s me that needs to change in this- my thoughts a perspectives etc. Perhaps I’m overanalysing past events and I should move on because as I’ve forgiven them I can’t keep bringing it up in head? Sorry this probably makes no sense...

 

[TabinRivCA]

Dear Hopeful85, With my answer please forgive me if I come across too blunt. I've been married twice, both now in heaven, and dated a lot in the past There was one thing I was very firm about and that was a man, bullying me by any kind of threat or otherwise. Right at the beginning. at the hint of something getting out of control, I let the male know I would call the cops so fast if they even put a finger on me. I never had a problem.
I can't see letting a man with his brute force bullying any woman as I and God value myself, as you should.
I don't know your whole situation w/kids and family etc, but no offense, I would never, ever let a man disrespect me and I hope children aren't witnessing this.
My honest advise is stop putting up with that kind of power abuse and find family, friends and/or a safe house and let go of that brutish relationship. Men who watch porn have a low opinion of women and you shouldn't be the brunt of his madness.
Father God, I pray the Holy Spirit of Truth guides your daughter Hopeful 85 and opens good avenues of deliverance for her. I pray you protect her and may you please help her soon, thank You, in Jesus' name, amen.
God bless you and keep you.

 

[crmvet]

Proverbs 3:5-6

 

[Bingo]

"Your words have been heard. I feel this issue would be better addressed in the
Family Forum. And, I pray you find encouragement in so doing. I pray you find
what is needed in your unhappiness."
'Amen'
'Praise God'

 

[morefaithrequired]

I will be blunt too. Be part of the solution not the problem. Badly behaved people will continue to behave badly if you let them.

 

[PennEd]

Torn on what to share here and will likely censor a lot but desperately in need of prayer. I know The Lord knows all of this and knows the outcome , He knows the bits I’ll be skimming over and He knows my part in this - I guess I’m probably after prayer and advice or just possibly I’m being selfish and venting again not satisfied with previous advice elsewhere so I am so sorry if that’s the case - I just can’t judge my own motives any more .

I’ve searched and search the internet for advice forums specific to this topic from a Christian perspective but the one site has not yet received funding for a moderator. I’ve had advice and reactions from ladies online that are appalled and they are saddened and disgusted at my husbands behaviour but because I am a believer in my head and heart I’m then questioning if it’s bad enough to warrant me leaving or how to or what to do I don’t want to break up my family do I put up and shut up and pray .

The situation is that I’m married , he’s not a Christian - he drinks smokes things and takes things occasionally I’ve now found out. He watches porn most nights and I have to sleep separately because I know I’ll have no choice in sex if next to him as my “no turns him on”( sorry) . His happy moods are few and far between and when he’s happy I’m berated for being a spoil sport or too serious because he tends to take things to the extreme. He shouts slams and huffs and I don’t know how to react .

I can’t disagree with him regarding anything and after these years together I just bite my tongue . When I don’t bite my tongue it can escalate to him being aggressive physically- in the past years he’s twisted my arm back , pushed and kicked me on the floor ( not as bad as it looks written down) , pushed me down many times, put his hand around throat marking it and held his fist to punch me in face but missing .

I long for God to change him and yet I feel it’s me that needs to change in this- my thoughts a perspectives etc. Perhaps I’m overanalysing past events and I should move on because as I’ve forgiven them I can’t keep bringing it up in head? Sorry this probably makes no sense...

I'm so terribly sorry you are enduring this. It looks like you have children by your post.
Everything you have said, regarding not wanting to break up your family, wanting God to change him, and even changing you seems reasonable.

BUT... since you asked for advice, my opinion is to leave immediately with your children. Do not warn him you are doing so. Let's see what his response is. Will God break him and he honestly repent and ask your forgiveness? Or will his anger through whatever foul spirit in him completely take over. If you need to find a Biblical reason to do so, his constant porn watching can be considered adultery. If he had a contrite heart, and was trying to do something about it, then I would say forgiving him and sticking with him, could be appropriate.

But there is much more going on here. If you were reading some other woman's account about how her husband PHYSICALLY, let alone the other stuff, was abusing her, you would be aghast, sad and angry as well. Because you live daily in the situation, it is hard for you to see just how bad it is.

This will be painful and difficult. But this man is NOT your brother in Christ, he is, at least at the moment, a son of disobedience, who may remain forever so. You can pray for him at a distance, but please, get out now. At least for a good while to see his reaction.

That's my advice from a brother that doesn't want to see his sister hurt worse.

Holy Father, please put Your Hand of protection on Your daughter. Guide, and be with her in all her decisions. Give NO PEACE OR REST to her husband, till he humbles himself before You and her, and accepts Your mercy, and Grace through Your Son. In Jesus Name.

 

[tourist]

Torn on what to share here and will likely censor a lot but desperately in need of prayer. I know The Lord knows all of this and knows the outcome , He knows the bits I’ll be skimming over and He knows my part in this - I guess I’m probably after prayer and advice or just possibly I’m being selfish and venting again not satisfied with previous advice elsewhere so I am so sorry if that’s the case - I just can’t judge my own motives any more .

I’ve searched and search the internet for advice forums specific to this topic from a Christian perspective but the one site has not yet received funding for a moderator. I’ve had advice and reactions from ladies online that are appalled and they are saddened and disgusted at my husbands behaviour but because I am a believer in my head and heart I’m then questioning if it’s bad enough to warrant me leaving or how to or what to do I don’t want to break up my family do I put up and shut up and pray .

The situation is that I’m married , he’s not a Christian - he drinks smokes things and takes things occasionally I’ve now found out. He watches porn most nights and I have to sleep separately because I know I’ll have no choice in sex if next to him as my “no turns him on”( sorry) . His happy moods are few and far between and when he’s happy I’m berated for being a spoil sport or too serious because he tends to take things to the extreme. He shouts slams and huffs and I don’t know how to react .

I can’t disagree with him regarding anything and after these years together I just bite my tongue . When I don’t bite my tongue it can escalate to him being aggressive physically- in the past years he’s twisted my arm back , pushed and kicked me on the floor ( not as bad as it looks written down) , pushed me down many times, put his hand around throat marking it and held his fist to punch me in face but missing .

I long for God to change him and yet I feel it’s me that needs to change in this- my thoughts a perspectives etc. Perhaps I’m overanalysing past events and I should move on because as I’ve forgiven them I can’t keep bringing it up in head? Sorry this probably makes no sense...

If at all financially possible my counsel is to leave this abusive marriage. Many others on this site tell their own particular horror story regarding their marriage so please know that you're not alone in this.

Pray for God to work change in your husband and for yourself as well but for your own physical safety and general well-being you really should consider at least a separation at this time.

Your post makes a lot of sense and was well-written. Yes, it's time for a change. I have said a prayer for God to give you clarity of thought on how to best move forward with your life. God wants us to have life and to have it more abundantly and that includes yourself.

Glad to have you as part of our family. Welcome to CC.

 

[Hopeful85]

Firstly wow . Thank you ... Thank you all for responding to me.

Not only responding but with such care it’s blown me away.

I have to say I’m actually shocked it’s almost like God has already given me my answers but I was making every excuse. I must point out what I meant from before was that I had posted on subject specific site such as relationships and violence but they are all non Christian and so in my head any advice of run and leave and be safe I just thought well it’s worldly Advice.

For a while I had prayed when it was at it’s worse in terms of he was picking fights ( he now is not physically hurtful for a while) and I asked For what to do and I am flooded with forgive because I forgave you and then I hear forgiving isn’t allowing . Then I have a friend or something said that I think we’ll I was once just as bad and I knew what he was like when I married him it’s a thing I have to bear up in.

I just can’t though but I don’t also know how to leave? Genuinely . Not really about money for I know that God provides as He did when my husband was sick or refused to work. I will find a way to earn where I can with the gifts given to me in my area or even in any are so long as I can still care for my family.

Thankyou so much for the proverbs I cried when I saw the reference because it’s one I always fall on because my over thinking brain needs to lean wholly.


I am unsure how to move a post if I’ve posted it incorrectly to one suggested in families ? My desperation of needing prayer evolved in me telling my story so I’m sorry for that.

I’m glad I have come
Across this website. To hear terms of sister in Christ and daughter makes me so weepy. I’m an active member of a church but as I’m close friends with leadership it’s been very awkward to approach for advice also because it’s so close to home . I’m scared if anyone were to act on hearing .

 

[Hopeful85]

I think I expected to hear that I needed to do better .. that I needed to try harder as a wife and I do try but perhaps I’ve given up which is my wrong doing .

 

[tourist]

I think I expected to hear that I needed to do better .. that I needed to try harder as a wife and I do try but perhaps I’ve given up which is my wrong doing .

You are the victim in this marriage and it is your husband who needs to do better as you have tried hard enough and long enough. There is a difference between giving up and moving forward and I pray that, with the grace of God, that you do the latter.

 

[tasha66]

"When I don’t bite my tongue it can escalate to him being aggressive physically - in the past years he’s twisted my arm back , pushed and kicked me on the floor ( not as bad as it looks written down)".

I am so sorry you are going through this.
I work in this area. These are typical writings of women suffering from abuse and who are so mentally stressed, they desperately try to justify their partner's behaviour. There is NO EXCUSE for violence against women, except in circumstances where someone might feel their life is threatened and they defend themself.
My gf's fiancee (now husband) was doing this to her, many years ago. He also apparently bashed her head against the wall, but she tried to make out that she fell and hit her head. We all urged her at the time to leave this pig of a man (that's the nicest thing I can think to say about him), before they had kids. We told her she had a free room, didn't have to pay any bills etc. She didn't leave as she had no money to speak of, and wanted her parents in a small community to not be emabarrassed. Then when she DID get pregnant and had 2 kids, she told him she was going to leave him and take the kids with her. He said to her if she left him, she'd hever see her kids again. So she 'put up & shut up', & regrets it to this day.
And the part you wrote about sex - well, that is just pure and simple rape. NOBODY has the right to use your body whenever and however they want, without your permission, whether you are married or just living together.
You are fearful and don't know what to do - I get that.
Start researching women's help groups and shelters and start planning to leave. Do you really want your kids to see all of this, see all the violence and arguments? They are not going to grow up happy, and probably not normal.
Violence - even so-called 'restrained' violence - pushing and shoving, shouting and swearing, putting you down, sex with no consent, etc ALWAYS escalates - some women end up dead, or their children end up dead. I know you don't want to hear that, but I work in this area all the time, and the stories and things I have seen and heard will haunt me forever. You need to get out NOW.
If you report your hubby for rape, he would be arrested and it would give you some breathing space.
If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.
I'll pray for you and let us know how you get on please!