"Bank Accounts Should Be Combined In Marriage." So How Do You Feel About Combining Debts?

[Lanolin]

That is a good question!! I honestly never thought about it...

Much to my mother’s chagrin, I’ve never been much interested in what my partner does as far as money. This is probably naive, but at the same time I don’t want my opinion of a man so changed by their wallet. She specifically wants me to marry someone who can “take care of me” financially as my father did her. This kinda frustrates me a lot because I am not interested in the old Victorian notion of marrying for financial gain.

I could understand her thinking it a small consideration, but she mentions it all the time. So for her I think it really is like a HAVE TO. Ugh.

I digress. I would marry a man despite his debts, though it may be a bad sign of having debts.

does your mother read Jane Austen novels? Just wondering. for the record Jane Austen never married.

 

[Iwillfearnoevil]

Hey Everyone,

I know that when we've talked about how getting married would affect our finances, the majority of posters have said they would most definitely combine their bank accounts with their spouse. Most people have said this is a sign of trust, and that if you can't see yourself sharing a bank account with someone, how could you see marrying them?

I'm curious as to what people think about the flip side -- how do you feel about combining debts? (Although this isn't really an option -- once you are legally married, as I understand it, you could/would be held responsible for certain debts your spouse might have if they stop or are unable to pay, such as with a joint credit card.)

I'm not sure what the current regulations are (and if they vary from state to state in the USA, etc.) , so if anyone who knows, married or not, please feel welcome to share your knowledge here.

A recent Google search brought up a CNBC article that says the average American today is in over $38,000 of personal debt, not including a mortgage.

If two people each have around $40,000 worth of debt, that means they are automatically starting their "new life" together with $80,000 worth of debt. If a single person has bill collectors hounding them now, just wait until you get married, because you can then look foward to double the harassment (and money issues are the number one reason usually listed for divorce, whether Christian or not.)

On the other hand, if people waited until they got out of debt to marry, then obviously, no one would ever get married.

And so...

* How do you feel about taking on your spouse's debt as your own and jointly paying it down? (Or is there a way that you would somehow keep it separated?)

* How does a person's personal debt influence your dating decisions, if at all?

* Does it matter to you how or why the person got into debt? (This has been something many people have mentioned in the past, such as a person got into debt because of a medical bill vs. gambling.)

I'm going to write an anonymous, multiple-choice poll that covers some other thoughts on this topic, but it's meant to be a supplement to the discussion and not a substitute.

Please feel free to voice your thoughts in this discussion because with so many people saying that bank accounts should be combined (and I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with that), I'd like to know if they are they also just as willing to inherit another person's debts, especially if the other person owes a lot more than they do?

Looking forward to the conversation!

I could not be married to somebody that wanted to keep our incomes/accounts separate, but as far as debt goes it would depend on what the debt was. Was it necessary and intelligent or bad money decisions? The state I live in does not have community property, so I would not be responsible for a debt my husband owed. If you are married and combining incomes, it seems only right to get the debt paid off. It would benefit the household.

 

[Lynx]

For some reason this thread reminds me of a show called Baggage, where prospective dates reveal shocking secrets about themselves through the show, and the person they want to date decides whether to accept or reject them and their baggage. I never watched the show, but I hear it didn't have a very long run... "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept your baggage."

For myself, I don't have any debt so there would be nothing for her to worry about. But I don't have much money either, so if she had debt she would be on her own paying hers off. It's not a matter of I refuse to, just a matter of I can't.

 

[cinder]

For myself, I don't have any debt so there would be nothing for her to worry about. But I don't have much money either, so if she had debt she would be on her own paying hers off. It's not a matter of I refuse to, just a matter of I can't.

Not that it matters too much, knowing how desperate you aren't to get married, but she would probably see it differently. Because if you've represented yourself accurately here, you have some skills that with a little bit of work could be turned into a much more profitable line of work for you. So there is a way for you to earn and have more money, but I expect you at this point would refuse to pursue it and in doing so you are refusing to do what you theoretically could to try to help her with her debt.

Granted it's her debt, but too many people hide behind can't when there are still options out there that they have refused to pursue or consider. Like my brother who would probably still be flipping burgers and delivering pizzas if the combination of strenuous encouragement from his sister and having a girlfriend with 5 children hadn't lit the fire under him to convince him he should try to move up a bit in job / career (of course living with a girlfriend with crappy money management skills he's still perpetually broke but that's another issue).

 

[Lynx]

Oh I could start a bakery... but then it wouldn't be fun any more.

Or I could repair computers... but most people these days throw them away and buy new ones.

I could do music, but there's no money in it AND it wouldn't be fun any more.

Nah. I think I'll stay where I am unless/until there is a reason to move.

 

[Dino246]

The nature of the debt and how it came about are big factors. A reasonable mortgage on a marketable house is fine, but a steep mortgage on an unsellable house is not. Moderate student debt that is being covered by a well-paying job is fine. Maxed-out credit cards with minimum payments beyond the person's capacity is not fine.

A closely-related factor is how the person handles debt. Is the person restricting themselves in order to get the debt paid off, or living carelessly and ignoring it? Are they treating their employment as a treasure to be preserved, or an imposition on their freedom? Are they essentially living on someone else's income (this includes parents) when they should be on their own? The latter may not be an issue if you're both in your early 20's, but it certainly is if you're much beyond 25. Your prospective partner must understand and accept what personal financial responsibility entails.

With this issue, the most important thing with regard to a future relationship is transparency. If you don't reveal your unpleasant financial situation to your prospective spouse, you are essentially lying to them and seriously undermining the integrity of the relationship from the start. If your marriage doesn't last, you may be saddled with paying off your ex's debt that he/she brought into the marriage.

 

[Princesse]

It is unrealistic to expect people who disrespect their resources to revere yours. Habits are hard to change and promises don’t set aside the reality the behavior may continue throughout the union. Money is the number one reason people part ways. It’s best to form alliances with a partner whose values and spending habits match your own.

I wouldn’t enter a relationship with someone who had excessive debt or consent to marriage without knowing what he owed. If he’s unwilling to submit to third-party checks for each. It’s probable he’s hiding things that will come out later on.

I study their lifestyle and look for evidence of soundness. Is plastic his go-to form of payment? Do his spending habits and tastes align with his means or exceed them? There’s nothing wrong with desiring quality goods and experiences. But it’s another matter if you’re mortgaging yourself to have them.

Outside of income producing debt for business pursuits, I’m not a fan of the same on the consumer end. In spite of the spin financial institutions use to ply their wares. I’m aware they treat them very different.

Overall, I prefer a wise steward who respect his coffers and mine in turn.

 

[Lanolin]

God forgives out debts, but we first have to admit them.
Its not good to hide them and think they will go away.