Self Improvement VS Changing Who I Am

[Lynx]

"So you're saying I'm not GOOD ENOUGH for you the way I am?"

"A woman marries a man hoping he will change. A man marries a woman hoping she will never change. Both are disappointed."

Where is the line between "My spouse wants me to clean up a few things I really should have taken care of long ago" and "My spouse is trying to change me into something I'm not, just to fit what I'm allegedly supposed to be"? Where does "I'm doing this because I want to make my partner happy" end and "I gotta be myself, not put on an act just to please somebody else" begin?

Let's take an extreme example. "She's trying to change me into something I'm not! What's wrong with chewing with my mouth open? Food tastes better with proper aeration. Why can't she just accept me the way I am? Why does she keep nagging me to change a fundamental part of what makes me me?"

Hmm... actually that's not so extreme. I've heard the same arguments used about other seemingly inconsequential things.

On the other side of the scale there's "Yeah I became a Catholic because that's how she was raised." Or "It hurt a lot, but my nose is healing up fine. She just likes guys with that kind of nose, so that's what I got."

What? I know people who have changed a lot more than that, just to keep somebody. There are guys who have changed to girls because the girls they loved preferred girls (and sometimes the girls choose other guys, and the guys who changed are left with no girls and missing parts...)

Now I know everybody draws the line at different places. I'm just curious where the line is for y'all. What is the minimum you would not be willing to change for a partner? Or what is the maximum you would be willing to change?

 

[Susanna]

What? I know people who have changed a lot more than that, just to keep somebody. There are guys who have changed to girls because the girls they loved preferred girls (and sometimes the girls choose other guys, and the guys who changed are left with no girls and missing parts...)

Whoa, hold your horses now.

You’re joking, right?

 

[cinder]

Let's see in short category form:

I'm not having surgery to make myself acceptable to someone
I'm not going to change my values to make myself acceptable to someone
I'm not going to invest in a relationship based on my ability to change in order to progress the relationship
I'm not going to change habits that I know are good and necessary for me (going to church, brushing teeth, etc)
I don't think it's possible to change my personality and inherent preferences, no matter what happens I'm always going to be an introvert who likes quiet spaces with lots of space (but certainly I can spend more time living on the borders of it (and maybe even venturing out for brief periods) than settled smack dab in the middle of the metaphorical (proverbial, allegorical, christian clichey (pick whichever fits)) "comfort zone")

So I guess it boils down to, I'm willing to adjust my behavior (even to not indulging my preferences quite as often) but don't see the inner qualities that make me, me changing and certainly I'm not going to set out to change them to win someone over. And change as a requirement is a deal breaker. Encouragement to make better choices and improve behaviors of the I should but I don't wanna variety would probably be a good and welcome thing.

And my frequent use of parentheses is something that I'll never ever change not for anyone or any reason.

 

[Lynx]

Whoa, hold your horses now.

You’re joking, right?

I sure wish I was joking, but unfortunately I am not.

 

[Susanna]

I sure wish I was joking, but unfortunately I am not.

Truly weird. But if some person is willing to cut stuff off to get the girl/boy...what other kinda crazy stuff is that person capable of doing to get his/her way?

 

[LittleMermaid]

I think changing more into the image of Christ is always a good thing. So if my future spouse is asking me to be more gentle with people or to do something different in a Christlike way, then I would try to change. I would hope the same goes for him. We should all be trying to run the good race. And I think a part of that race is changing into a better person.

Now for things that are more trivial...
If my man wants me to change my hair color or weight, I might take it into consideration. If I see it's coming from a loving place "hey sweetheart, maybe we should try eating a little healthier..." I would get the idea that he's telling me he wants me to lose weight and I would be more encouraged to do so.
But if he demands that I change those things "you need to lose weight because I'm not attracted to you," then he's got something else in store!

 

[G00WZ]

Dunno, but i have zero interest in being changed into one of those purse holding men who pretty much say "yes dear" to everything their gf/ wife says, walking around all depressed with low self esteem in a checkered sweater vest and corduroy pants with the slip on shoes.. NTY.

Some people are petty though.. Lynx could you imagine having your spouse tell you to cut off your ear tufts just because they might make a rustle sound when you roll over in your sleep ... Sad times man.. Sad times.. Or even worse, being reminded or told that you're not good enough. "Lynx why cant you be like my ex the caracal?, he had a smaller head and better curved ear tufts"... So now you have to buy yourself two tiny curlers just so you can curl your ear tufts, and start shaving the sides of your head to give it that caracal look, just so you can conform to the new standard.

 

[Lynx]

If she wants a caracal, let her go back to her ex. Caracals are too snobbish anyway. I mean sure, I've met a few who were good, honest, down-to-earth felines, but most of them have a better-than-you culture. It's how they were raised.

 

[LittleMermaid]

Dunno, but i have zero interest in being changed into one of those purse holding men who pretty much say "yes dear" to everything their gf/ wife says, walking around all depressed with low self esteem in a checkered sweater vest and corduroy pants with the slip on shoes.. NTY.

I don't think most women want a man like that.

 

[Mel85]

I’m the type to be open to change IF he is too and if it is coming from a place of love and constructive criticism.

I’m also one not ashamed to admit my faults and flaws, which makes it easier for me to accept change. I think part of having this mentality is because I work in a place that is always changing to keep up with the rest of the world’s technology and work processes.

In saying that also, I am not one afraid to speak my mind and will challenge the male counterpart should I need to.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Truly weird. But if some person is willing to cut stuff off to get the girl/boy...what other kinda crazy stuff is that person capable of doing to get his/her way?

I think maybe this is about the famous painter Van Gogh who cut off his ear and gave it to a woman.

 

[love_comes_softly]

I’m not going to marry someone or be with someone that NEEDS me to change who I am (my faith, beliefs, morals, personality or looks) and I would not want to change the person I end up with either.

I think when you’re with someone that you love, those annoying character traits are things that would naturally change over time. For example, not picking up your dirty socks off the floor, leaving on all the lights in a room when you leave, or bringing home the car on empty are all things that can be habits that may annoy someone. If I knew that annoyed my husband, I’d work on trying to break that habit. I’m thinking my husband would do the same.

It’s not our job to change anyone, God does that. I’m not even going to try, beyond prayer. It would be exhausting and futile.

 

[Dino246]

I might change my cologne. That is, I might start wearing cologne.

Seriously, there are some things which I would likely be open to changing, such as the frequency of going "out". On my own, I keep myself busy at home, but there are places I would go and events I would attend with someone special.

Overall, I think it's important to assess your partner's attributes and habits early on. With any you find objectionable, you need to decide whether you will choose to overlook them, address them, or consider them non-negotiable and end the relationship. Your partner should be doing the same with yours. It might even be worthwhile discussing them openly with each other.

Remember, what you find endearing at first might be annoying a year or ten later.

 

[G00WZ]

I might change my cologne. That is, I might start wearing cologne.

Seriously, there are some things which I would likely be open to changing, such as the frequency of going "out". On my own, I keep myself busy at home, but there are places I would go and events I would attend with someone special.

Overall, I think it's important to assess your partner's attributes and habits early on. With any you find objectionable, you need to decide whether you will choose to overlook them, address them, or consider them non-negotiable and end the relationship. Your partner should be doing the same with yours. It might even be worthwhile discussing them openly with each other.

Remember, what you find endearing at first might be annoying a year or ten later.

You could always get this, it'll run you about 195 bones though.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Sadly that seems to be an odd issue with my gender. So many of us want to “fix” our man. Honey if he isn’t how you want him to be now then don’t think a ring is gonna change that. If anything, the older we get the more we kinda settle into our personalities.

Too many women like the idea of a Beauty and the Beast scenario. “Everyone is mean to him but I see the good in him.” Maybe, but if he has no intent of changing those habits then you being with him isn’t gonna change it in the long run. It may at first, but both men and women tend to put on their “best face” for their potential spouse.

I think it’s fine to encourage your partner to be all they can, but that’s working WITH their personality not against it.

 

[Butterflyyy]

I might change my cologne. That is, I might start wearing cologne.

Seriously, there are some things which I would likely be open to changing, such as the frequency of going "out". On my own, I keep myself busy at home, but there are places I would go and events I would attend with someone special.

Overall, I think it's important to assess your partner's attributes and habits early on. With any you find objectionable, you need to decide whether you will choose to overlook them, address them, or consider them non-negotiable and end the relationship. Your partner should be doing the same with yours. It might even be worthwhile discussing them openly with each other.

Remember, what you find endearing at first might be annoying a year or ten later.

Yup.... you defo need to do that....

 

[Dino246]

Yup.... you defo need to do that....

Assuming you mean "wear cologne", I'm open to suggestions.

 

[Butterflyyy]

Assuming you mean "wear cologne", I'm open to suggestions.

Lol... it reminds me of when I let the kids meet this Christian guy I had met and later when he had gone they said to me, "Ew Mum, he didn't wear after-shave"🤣.... he had been a bachelor for that long lol... he wasn't unclean or anything he just smelled like a man lol😂😂😂

 

[Dino246]

Lol... it reminds me of when I let the kids meet this Christian guy I had met and later when he had gone they said to me, "Ew Mum, he didn't wear after-shave"🤣.... he had been a bachelor for that long lol... he wasn't unclean or anything he just smelled like a man lol😂😂😂

Some of my coworkers are highly sensitive to smells, so I've just gotten used to not wearing scented products. I haven't had anyone mention that I smell bad... but your kids might.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

If you truly love the person, you will be able to change without much effort. Sometimes there are involuntary changes. You are not aware that you are changing. That is why choosing a spouse is crucial. Not only your character will change but also your face. There is a research about couples who began to resemble each other after being together for a long time. Maybe the DNA transfer between couples is true. Make sure you like your potential spouse physically and character wise because there is a chance you will become like or look like him or her in the long run.

https://www.nytimes.com/1987/08/11/science/long-married-couples-do-look-alike-study-finds.html