help me to understand

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nancymarie

Guest
#1
#1
I have been married to my husband 2 times. The first time we were kids,(( I was 15 and he was 18) but the second time around we are supposed to be mature,(I was 35 and he was 38). The same problem is haunting our marriage. Ricky loves me,(I am sure of this), but he finds it hard to stay true to me. I am not positive if he has ever cheated on me,(actually had sex with some one). I have cought him sneekng and talking to other women in a way married men should not be doing. He also has a problem with porn. He tells me he will not "chat" with other women, will stay away from porn and will be completely true to me. I think all is great; until I stumble on proof he is not keeping his word. I have even stumbled across a pic. On his phone of a topless woman( he of course said one of his friends must have used his phone). Well, with all of this being said how can a man love his wife and do this? Any insight will be helpful and please pray for us.
 
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AnandaHya

Guest
#2
#2
have you thought about christain marriage counseling? he might have some sexual urges he doesn't want to tell you? i don't know, He might still love you and be addicted to porn. like people who are addicted to alcohol. He needs to fight and break the addiction because its not healthy and makes it hard for you to feel loved. I don't really know but I will pray with you.

Here is a website I found, there are countless others, perhaps they can help give you ideas?

Biblical Tips for Sexual Addictions - ChristianAnswers.Net
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#3
#3
Thank u for your suggestions. Yes we went to Christian counseling. He went the one time and did not like it so he will not go back. Sort of the same thing was suggested( addiction to porn and sex). He responded that he did not have a problem. Thanks for the web sites I will give that a try. Thank you so much for your prayers.
 
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dmdave17

Guest
#4
#4
Dear nancymarie,

I am qualified to try to answer this question because I too cheated on a wife that I dearly loved. There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted our marriage to work, and I was terrified that she would leave me, but I couldn't control my urges. I truly believe that there is such a thing as "sex addiction". God finally intervened in my life, and put an emphatic stop to my philandering, one of many things for which I am thankful, and I have been happier than I ever was since I lost my desire to "cheat". (Toward the end, I cheated with porn rather than other women, but the principle was the same.)

If you truly believe that your husband loves you, and you quite possibly could be right, I would suggest that you confront him, gently but honestly, about the situation. Explain how his actions make you feel and tell him that you cannot stand to be patient forever. Offer to help him any way you can, and bring up the possibility of more joint marital counseling. If you feel that way, tell him that you are willing to meet him more than halfway, but that he must begin to try and control his addiction.

In any event, don't blame yourself for the situation. Sex addiction is a disease (I believe) and cannot always be cured easily. This is his problem. All you can do is stand by him and try to help him through it. He needs to become accountable to someone who will monitor his actions and nudge him when he seems to be slipping.

Above all, continue to love him and pray for him. Nothing is too hard for God. He has healed many worse cases than your husband's.

God be with you in your struggles.
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#5
#5
Thank you for sharing with me. I will continue to pray and I do know that all things are possible with God on your side. It does help to know others have had this problem and over came it(with Gods help). Thank you and God bless you.
 
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Tumnus

Guest
#6
#6
My prayers are definitely with you and your husband, nancymarie. I am so sorry you are going through such a painful time. I pray God will surround you with prayer warriors to keep both you and your husband lifted up. Please draw as close as you can to God. Cling to Him.
 
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Khorib2

Guest
#7
#7
AnandaHya said:
have you thought about christain marriage counseling? he might have some sexual urges he doesn't want to tell you? i don't know, He might still love you and be addicted to porn. like people who are addicted to alcohol. He needs to fight and break the addiction because its not healthy and makes it hard for you to feel loved. I don't really know but I will pray with you.

Here is a website I found, there are countless others, perhaps they can help give you ideas?

Biblical Tips for Sexual Addictions - ChristianAnswers.Net
Click to expand...
I find it funny that he must automatically be addicted because he apparently enjoys viewing pornography. I think rather than addiction, he knows his wife is upset by his viewing of pornography, so he has decided to hide it instead rather than give what he probably feels is harmless.

As for the pictures on his phone... well to me that sounds like he IS chatting with other women. He is probably doing this because it does not feel like cheating (because it is not a physical nor emotional relationship) and is looking for sexual satisfaction that he may feel he's not getting in his marriage.

Is this justification? Absolutely not, but it sounds like you guys should look inward on your own relationship before you jump straight to "sexual addiction counseling".
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#8
#8
I don't understand. Yes, he does enjoy what he is doing but I don't know about harmless. It is causing us a great deal of trust issues and lots of stress on our marriage. I have been praying and trying to do what I think GOD is leading me to do. I do however keep asking myself is the hurt and the stress going to haunt us forever? If so, do I want to be married to " this" forever? I know divorce is wrong but I also know how I feel is equally wrong. I guess I am hopping he does have an addiction and will get help. I hate to think he is freely choosing these things ; he knows with this much continued stress something is bound to break. I don't understand what you mean by
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#9
#9
I don't understand. Yes, he does enjoy what he is doing but I don't know about harmless. It is causing us a great deal of trust issues and lots of stress on our marriage. I have been praying and trying to do what I think GOD is leading me to do. I do however keep asking myself is the hurt and the stress going to haunt us forever? If so, do I want to be married to " this" forever? I know divorce is wrong but I also know how I feel is equally wrong. I guess I am hopping he does have an addiction and will get help. I hate to think he is freely choosing these things ; he knows with this much continued stress something is bound to break. I don't understand what you mean by look inward on our relationship. I thought this is what we have been doing. I know this is what I have been doing. Again, neither of us wants a divorce but I honestly don't like my marriage the way it is..:..... I just don't understand.
 
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Khorib2

Guest
#10
#10
nancymarie said:
I don't understand. Yes, he does enjoy what he is doing but I don't know about harmless. It is causing us a great deal of trust issues and lots of stress on our marriage. I have been praying and trying to do what I think GOD is leading me to do. I do however keep asking myself is the hurt and the stress going to haunt us forever? If so, do I want to be married to " this" forever? I know divorce is wrong but I also know how I feel is equally wrong. I guess I am hopping he does have an addiction and will get help. I hate to think he is freely choosing these things ; he knows with this much continued stress something is bound to break. I don't understand what you mean by look inward on our relationship. I thought this is what we have been doing. I know this is what I have been doing. Again, neither of us wants a divorce but I honestly don't like my marriage the way it is..:..... I just don't understand.
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I never said it him looking at pornography wasn't harmless to the marriage, as it obviously upsets you. I'm saying that he may feel it is harmless as long as you don't know about it.

Secondly, what I meant by "looking inward" at your marriage is to try and find out if he is sexually satisfied within the marriage. If he is not satisfied, then what steps can you guys take towards the satisfaction for both of you. It is clear that he is not, and if he denies it, he is most likely trying to spare your feelings on the matter.
 
D

Duggar

Guest
#11
#11
That is very very sad, I will be praying for you all.
 
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ChicagoMommyRev

Guest
#12
#12
As a wife who has gone through a very similar situation, and fought for over 7 years to mend her marriage, I can both sympathize and empathize with you. There are a couple of books that I read that helped me during this time. One of them was Affair fo the Mind by Hall and Porn Nation by Leahy. Both are Christian books as well. Hang in there. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself, your God, and your marriage through this struggle.
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#13
#13
Thank u and I will check out these books. So, did your marriage survive? I am hopping to learn and grow from this but for now just trying to understand and figure out what God has in mind with my marriage.
THANK YOU AND YOUR STRENGTH IS AN INSPIRATION.
 
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ChicagoMommyRev

Guest
#14
#14
We are no longer together, as of Oct. 2007. Since then, I have remarried, am now a foster parent to special needs children who would otherwise be institutionalized, and just had a little girl of my own as well. There are a lot of things that God has taught me through this, and it has also been carried over to my current marriage and honestly, resulted in a relationship that I never thought was possible. However, I will in no way say that divorce should be the first line of action, nor should it be the course of action for every situation. I think that there are many marriages that can survive and be stronger because of it. However, for my situation I went through years of counseling, prayer, and guidance by my church leadership before we divorced. It is not a decision that I think can be taken lightly, and if you pursue separation or divorce, do not do so quickly to allow God the opportunity to first say "Stay and Wait to see what I can do here."
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#15
#15
Thank you for sharing your experiences . I am so happy to hear you haven blessed in so many ways. It sounds like you are enriching so many lives. I guess we all need to open our hearts and let God lead US. I am going to stay and keep looking to God for guidance. God bless you and your family.
 
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KezE

Guest
#16
#16
Hi nancymarie. I think you have been given some good advice. I agree with you that there is absolutely nothing "harmless" about porn at all. If your husband thinks its harmless, its because he has been fed a lie from the enemy! I also want to encourage you to pray for truth to be revealed. I think the things that have been happening, are either indicators that something else is going on, or the start of something that could turn into more. If you ask God to show you the truth He will. He is the "light that shines in the darkness" (John 1:5) and He will reveal anything that is hidden. Keep praying & asking God to be involved. I will pray for you too!
 
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nancymarie

Guest
#17
#17
Thank you and when I pray I will be shure to ask God to reveal the truth to me. I thank you for your words of encouragement and Christian advice. Your prayers means so much to me. I thank God for leading me to this site and all the Christians that have shared, advised and prayed for me. GOD is good!!!
 
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AnandaHya

Guest
#18
#18
it warms my heart to read the stories and the fellowship on this thread. God bless all of you. :)
 
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Lifelike

Guest
#20
#20
Khorib2 said:
I find it funny that he must automatically be addicted because he apparently enjoys viewing pornography. I think rather than addiction, he knows his wife is upset by his viewing of pornography, so he has decided to hide it instead rather than give what he probably feels is harmless.

As for the pictures on his phone... well to me that sounds like he IS chatting with other women. He is probably doing this because it does not feel like cheating (because it is not a physical nor emotional relationship) and is looking for sexual satisfaction that he may feel he's not getting in his marriage.

Is this justification? Absolutely not, but it sounds like you guys should look inward on your own relationship before you jump straight to "sexual addiction counseling".
Click to expand...
If he has recently begun looking at porn it could be due to a deficate in the marriage or a curiosity. If it has been a "habitual" thing throughout his life, it would be fair to call it an addiction. Especially if he is not able to let it go, because of love for his wife (putting her first). Most porn addiction originates in sexual abuse or being awaken to sexuality to early.

Even when it a peer thing - mates culturely looking at porn, a spirit of lust is heavily invovle and the very nature of lust is addiction. Usually men venture elsewhere in a marriage due to an unfaithful heart, and to satisfy a deep need that they have not been able to surrender to God, not because their wives are not open/ adventurous etc in the marriage.

I strongly suggest that its not due to what hes not getting in his marriage, but a pre existing condition that is now working in his marriaed life (disfunctional attempt to satisfy a need/ void). And unless he acknowledges that it 1/ wrong 2/ a problem that needs to be resolved, he will not be free, short of a divine encounter, or miracle.

Marriage councelling (Godly) is a powerful way to address these issues and get things out in the open and see them as they really are. Although shame is a major factor in all sexual inpurity and especially where abuse has taken place. So keep this in mind, uncoditional love, forgiveness, grace and understanding are essential supports for a person coming out of these issues. ;)
 
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