Could Anyone Please Give Advice About What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Child?

[seoulsearch]

Hello everyone,

Like most people, I'm looking forward to the day when it's finally safe to physically meet at our churches again, but my church is going through a situation that is really crushing my heart.

I was wondering if others who have been through this or something similar could please share their thoughts?

Right before the coronavirus hit, my church was already going through some major transitions -- one of them being that we had just hired a new worship leader, his wife, and their only child, who was adopted and of toddler age. None of us have any details (and out of respect, I wouldn't post them anyway), but at some point last month, their child was in an accident and passed away.

I mention that their child was adopted just because in the back of my mind, I am wondering if maybe this couple is similar to my own parents. My parents were originally told they would not be able to have children, and I know it affected them greatly -- most especially my mother. She told me that she would see other moms with their babies and become overwhelmed with sadness. I can only imagine how it would have affected them to finally get through the adoption process, only to lose the child to an accident.

I can't imagine what this couple is going through, and yet on Easter Sunday, the worship leader and his wife both got online and led a beautiful round of worship, thanking and praising God for His goodness, even though you could tell that they were both about to burst into gut-wrenching tears. It was absolutely heartbreaking.

This family was from out of state. I have no idea what their situation is -- maybe they haven't even been able to receive their families' comfort or presence because of everything that is going on. And when church DOES resume as normal, a good number of us in the congregation will be meeting, speaking, and introducing ourselves to them for the very first time.

I keep praying, "Lord, what on earth can I say or write (via a card) to this couple that won't possibly add to their sorrow?"

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

It would be greatly appreciated, as this has been weighing heavily on my mind.

 

[EleventhHour]

I am not sure there any correct words.

But having had family, friends and colleagues that have lost a child, one thing to stay away from is religious platitudes like...

"your child is an angel now in heaven with God"
"your child is safe in the arms of Jesus"
etc.,

Parents want their child with them.

One has to be ready to receive comfort.
Offer it and when and if they are ready they will let you know.
In the meantime helping with the mundane parts of life like cooking, cleaning and shopping for food will be very much appreciated.

 

[seoulsearch]

I am not sure there any correct words.

But having had family, friends and colleagues that have lost a child, one thing to stay away from is religious platitudes like...

"your child is an angel now in heaven with God"
"your child is safe in the arms of Jesus"
etc.,

Parents want their child with them.

One has to be ready to receive comfort.
Offer it and when and if they are ready they will let you know.
In the meantime helping with the mundane parts of life like cooking, cleaning and shopping for food will be very much appreciated.

Thank you so much, Eleventh Hour!

I love that you gave practical solutions that would be applicable to a variety of situations, especially since so many people are going through tremendous difficulties right now.

I'm a bit embarrassed to say, I was trying to think so hard of what to say or what not to say that I kind of bypassed how important presence and practical application can be!

Thank you for the the reminder.

 

[EleventhHour]

Thank you so much, Eleventh Hour!

I love that you gave practical solutions that would be applicable to a variety of situations, especially since so many people are going through tremendous difficulties right now.

I'm a bit embarrassed to say, I was trying to think so hard of what to say or what not to say that I kind of bypassed how important presence and practical application can be!

Thank you for the the reminder.

I so understand, we desperately want to ease someone's pain.
For myself when in grief, I did not words just the presence of those who cared around me.

 

[Magenta]

Good morning, @seoulsearch You are such a kind, considerate, thoughtful, and sensitive person. I know you are going to want to argue with that However, many of us here know this to be true of you. Unfortunately your new pastor and his wife have perhaps not as yet come to fully appreciate these things about you, but you can rest assured that if they stick around, they will!

One thing about losing a child is that much of the loss is relative to unrealized future hopes and dreams. Something else I would like to point out is that as a pastoral team, this couple (I hope) is quite likely very well grounded in their ability to cast their cares on the Lord, to turn to Him in need, to have Him front and center, and be surrendered as much as possible to divining His will for their lives even as much as it is beyond them. I say this because in thinking how we each deal with loss, knowing that all things work for the good of those who love God, and trying to keep things in perspective, yes, the loss is no doubt felt keenly but also tempered with gratitude for the gift they received in knowing, loving, and parenting this child for the time he or she was in their care. The magnitude of the gift is not lessened by the length of time they had with the child.

Pointing out to them how they inspire you, that you see their strength, and simply being a witness to their grief may be all that you can do. I think we all know how that nobody really knows what to say in times like these. Making yourself available to listen can also be invaluable. My condolences to this family.

 

[CharliRenee]

No words, just a heartfelt sincere tears, inner and outer, as how could you not???

I can not fathom. Maybe just ask if you could give them a hug. After some time has passed, maybe ask if they want to share a fav memory. For now...maybe just sit with them in the thick of their unbearable pain.

Again, I can not even imagine!!!

I will pray...

 

[seoulsearch]

Ladies,

Thank you so much for your heartfelt replies -- and yes, @Magenta, just for the sake of argument, I really AM one of the orneriest people you'll ever meet. Just ask my old Sunday School teachers!

In all seriousness, something that's really stood out to me about your posts is how much actions speak louder than words. Being a very word-based person, it's always important to me to "try to get the words right", but the things you've shared are a great reminder that love is really action in motion.

Thank you for reminding me that love for people can be expressed in a myriad of other actions and not just words. 💌

 

[love_comes_softly]

This is heartbreaking. I think when I was dealing with loss, the hardest thing for me to hear was "I'm sorry for your loss". I don't know what that really means.

Just the offer of a hug or someone to sit quietly with was my biggest comfort. How you put that into words, I'm not sure, but I do know you're gifted in this @seoulsearch . The Lord will direct you in what to say.

 

[Dusty59]

My Brother lost there son thou not a child(28) the love is the same. what they did and don't like for people to say is "I know how you feel" they say that they hate that as no one knows what it feels like till it happens to them. and i personally learn that they don't like for you to talk about them unless they do.(talk about them ) and when they do talk about there lost child as if they was still alive. God Bless You.

 

[SoulWeaver]

You'll pretty much do good as long as you stay away from empty platitudes.
I'd just be extremely direct and say something along the lines of... what you're going through may be above my understanding, I am feeling so powerless to comfort you, but let me know if there's at least something I can do, don't hold back if there's anything I can do... just be there for them, because the initial wave of sympathy passes. After this is over make sure they're always invited to gatherings and all, and not forgotten. Maybe they'll feel like they don't want to go anywhere - death of a family member can induce serious depression.
I think it adds to the burden of grieving people when people just shy away because they are uncomfortable and feel guilt since they can't fix anything so they just say some cliche and turn their backs and leave. I think it's isolating. So I'd be direct and talk to them for real, from heart to heart. It's okay if you can't relate to what they're feeling, because nobody normal would want or expect you to be able to relate about something like that. Literally their world crushed down and it's hitting them now, anyone saying they understand will not help. Having personal guilt leading the conversation in these cases is selfish and silly. They're going through a lot worse.

 

[SoulWeaver]

(I'm sorry I said "in these cases" I really wanted to say "in these situations" when people go through a loss we haven't experienced, I'm not a native speaker so my first word choice isn't always the most fortunate, "cases" may sound insensitive I realized when I reread, and I intended the opposite...)
Anyway, dear seoul, you don't need to stress, I know you, and that you'll do as good as possible for that family. Discard any unpleasant feelings, God forethought you to be there in this time, the compassion in you towards this family is His, He stirred your heart up to think of them and equip you, so doing as much as you can will be sufficient...

 

[KhedetOrthos]

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?

It would be greatly appreciated, as this has been weighing heavily on my mind.

I would not focus so much on what to say as on what to do. Only time and God can lighten this specific load. It’s impossible to step forth as Simon of Cyrene did to carry this cross. So try and carry other ones. Deliver meals. Have a gang of men attack his yard together on Saturdays and under his direction clean do the yard work. Take up an anonymous offering to help defray final expenses (most people don’t have life insurance for their kids).

 

[Billyd]

When my oldest son was killed in auto accident, one of my friends sat beside me the entire evening and never said a word. It meant more to me than any word from anyone else who visited us that evening.

 

[seoulsearch]

I just want to thank you all for the heartfelt answers and advice.

I have been praying a lot about this situation and have an idea of what God is leading me to do. It might be several weeks or months before I am able to meet and talk with this couple, but I really appreciate the advice to focus on service rather than conversation.

Behind the scenes busy work (like cleaning and chores) is what I've always tended to gravitate towards, so I'm hoping that maybe I will be able to offer something useful to this couple.

Thank you so much for the suggestions and for sharing your own personal heartaches. 💕💕💕

Blessings to you, and I hope people will keep posting as they may feel moved to do so.

 

[seoulsearch]

Something else I would like to ask...

It seems that there have been some expressions stating that it might be best to not mention this couple's tragedy at all.

As I had said in my original post, whenever things go back to normal, this will be the very first time many of us in the congregation will be meeting and speaking to them.

Does a greeting such as, "Hello, I'm Seoul... Welcome to our church and we are so glad you're here! I would be happy to help you with (listing a few things) or anything else you may need and I can assist with..." sound too cold or callous, because I was wondering if not giving any kind of condolence at all would sound inconsiderate?

 

[CharliRenee]

I just love your great big beautiful heart, and respect you for seeking input.

I think no matter how you put it, it will be tender and sincere. I believe they will feel your heart reaching out to them in this heavy hurting season.

I mean... I know you just want to help and not bring them more burden.

Seoul, your sincere heart will bring them comfort. I mean as much as is possible. I will be lifting you and their grieving hearts and minds in prayer.

God Bless you.

 

[Adstar]

You'll pretty much do good as long as you stay away from empty platitudes.
I'd just be extremely direct and say something along the lines of... what you're going through may be above my understanding, I am feeling so powerless to comfort you, but let me know if there's at least something I can do, don't hold back if there's anything I can do... just be there for them, because the initial wave of sympathy passes. After this is over make sure they're always invited to gatherings and all, and not forgotten. Maybe they'll feel like they don't want to go anywhere - death of a family member can induce serious depression.
I think it adds to the burden of grieving people when people just shy away because they are uncomfortable and feel guilt since they can't fix anything so they just say some cliche and turn their backs and leave. I think it's isolating. So I'd be direct and talk to them for real, from heart to heart. It's okay if you can't relate to what they're feeling, because nobody normal would want or expect you to be able to relate about something like that. Literally their world crushed down and it's hitting them now, anyone saying they understand will not help. Having personal guilt leading the conversation in these cases is selfish and silly. They're going through a lot worse.

A great post. Filled with gems of wisdom..

 

[SoulWeaver]

Something else I would like to ask...

It seems that there have been some expressions stating that it might be best to not mention this couple's tragedy at all.

As I had said in my original post, whenever things go back to normal, this will be the very first time many of us in the congregation will be meeting and speaking to them.

Does a greeting such as, "Hello, I'm Seoul... Welcome to our church and we are so glad you're here! I would be happy to help you with (listing a few things) or anything else you may need and I can assist with..." sound too cold or callous, because I was wondering if not giving any kind of condolence at all would sound inconsiderate?

Seems to me like you already know the answer in yourself... you shouldn't go in depth into it, but also don't pretend like it doesn't exist. Those discomforts, I think they will only make them feel discomfort themselves. And you don't want them to feel like a burden. The church as a whole should express gratitude and happiness to have them there first, and offer assistance second. Might be wrong judgment on my part, but people being completely silent, yet knowing, will make social dynamics more awkward, because it will of course be obvious to them that you guys know... and it's only at that first meet that this will be mentioned (and who knows, maybe they bring it up themselves). So I'd rather speak than not, but that's just me. Anyway. What's maybe a better solution is the church leader speaking with them beforehand. Per example, offering financial help in the name of you all and reassure them, letting them know, that you guys have been discussing how could you help, and that all want to help, which would eliminate the necessity of individuals each bringing the death of their child up to them or putting them on the spot. And your smiles when you greet them will not be out of place at all, if this is done.

 

[MessageOfTheCross]

The bible says, “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24). Pray and ask Our Heavenly Father, to give you wisdom that brings the work of righteousness of peace, quietness, and assurance forever (Isa. 32:17).

In Christ there are no goodbyes; in Christ there are no ends.

 

[Lanolin]

no words, just tears, a shoulder to cry on, and maybe flowers for the grave.