I want to harm myself
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Hello Gemmy 
I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much as a result of the drama in your life; peace of mind is precious. Would you be comfortable letting us know what is causing so much chaos in your life? For instance, in the past you have mentioned the abusive behaviors of your daughter's father. Is he still causing you problems, or is it something else? Regardless, I hope you do not do anything to purposefully harm yourself. You are a precious daughter yourself...
I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much as a result of the drama in your life; peace of mind is precious. Would you be comfortable letting us know what is causing so much chaos in your life? For instance, in the past you have mentioned the abusive behaviors of your daughter's father. Is he still causing you problems, or is it something else? Regardless, I hope you do not do anything to purposefully harm yourself. You are a precious daughter yourself...-
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"Let us pray to be clear, honest and open minded to bring to light 'precisely'
the most pertinent 'issue' that seems overwhelming. And let us pray to understand,
problems have to be confronted or peace shall be most likely unattainable.
Let us pray to understand, lack of valid explanations, one can expect very little
worthwhile communication in this type of forum."
Let us pray you find what is needed in YOUR LIFE."
'Amen'
'Praise God'
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I will say another prayer for you during my special prayers that I say in the early morning before I go out the door for work. I have said much prayer for you through the months and years so by now you are on a first name basis with God. I appreciate as well all of the others that have responded kindly to your posts and have said prayers for you. Believe me, you're in good hands.
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Thank you all for your prayers. I sadly do not want to go into full details about what's going on but let's just say most of why I'm unhappy is from choices I've made, not letting go of people I should've let go of a long time ago, and being scared nothing is going to work out.
My daughter's dad has still been causing problems but again - my choices, my fault. Aside from that, I've been dealing with loneliness and extreme anger. I've been trying to reach out to people even before this pandemic started. Nobody seems to initiate contact or really wants to deal with me and I think that's why I gravitate towards unhealthy friendships and relationships. I find myself always contacting people that I never hear from unless I reach out first and then I still don't end up hearing from them. I just wish I could go back in time and redo a lot of things.
In a way, I sadly find myself being jealous of my older brother and sister. Both of them have nice places to live, are in happy relationships, and seem to be thriving. Meanwhile, my life doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. I have a job but I'll be laid off soon and have my own place but because of all the bad that's happened since I've lived here, I don't like living here anymore.
All I really do anymore is lay in my bed. This pandemic has not made anything easier for me or my mental health. And not as important but still bothering me, a whole year after a tornado totaled my car, I still can't find another one.
Sorry if I sound like I'm complaining. I do know there are people going through way worse things. This is just what's currently bothering me.
My daughter's dad has still been causing problems but again - my choices, my fault. Aside from that, I've been dealing with loneliness and extreme anger. I've been trying to reach out to people even before this pandemic started. Nobody seems to initiate contact or really wants to deal with me and I think that's why I gravitate towards unhealthy friendships and relationships. I find myself always contacting people that I never hear from unless I reach out first and then I still don't end up hearing from them. I just wish I could go back in time and redo a lot of things.
In a way, I sadly find myself being jealous of my older brother and sister. Both of them have nice places to live, are in happy relationships, and seem to be thriving. Meanwhile, my life doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. I have a job but I'll be laid off soon and have my own place but because of all the bad that's happened since I've lived here, I don't like living here anymore.
All I really do anymore is lay in my bed. This pandemic has not made anything easier for me or my mental health. And not as important but still bothering me, a whole year after a tornado totaled my car, I still can't find another one.
Sorry if I sound like I'm complaining. I do know there are people going through way worse things. This is just what's currently bothering me.
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Gemmy, I so wish that I could hug you. I know it is hard. Your situation is unique to you. No one can fully understand but I kind of do.
I have gone down that road often of shame and guilt to the point of wanting to stop the ache that felt almost unbearable. I get it. I even understand the green eyed monster, and then feeling bad because I despise that response in myself. It seemed I couldn't stop the self destructive ways... So, like you, I was in a cycle of hanging myself on the cross over and over.
Honey, I so want to ease your suffering.
Would you consider reading Luke 7:36-50? He loves us so much. I love you too Gemmy, not like He does but still...
He can deliver you from this pain. Just keep looking up beautiful sister in Christ. Please keep reaching out, don't give up. Never, not ever, give up. He will lift your head, lean into Him with all you have.
I also think sometimes we need help. It helped me to talk with a Christian counselor. You are not complaining. You are brave sharing in the midst of your pain.
Let me share 2 songs Gemmy....
I have gone down that road often of shame and guilt to the point of wanting to stop the ache that felt almost unbearable. I get it. I even understand the green eyed monster, and then feeling bad because I despise that response in myself. It seemed I couldn't stop the self destructive ways... So, like you, I was in a cycle of hanging myself on the cross over and over.
Honey, I so want to ease your suffering.
Would you consider reading Luke 7:36-50? He loves us so much. I love you too Gemmy, not like He does but still...
He can deliver you from this pain. Just keep looking up beautiful sister in Christ. Please keep reaching out, don't give up. Never, not ever, give up. He will lift your head, lean into Him with all you have.
I also think sometimes we need help. It helped me to talk with a Christian counselor. You are not complaining. You are brave sharing in the midst of your pain.
Let me share 2 songs Gemmy....
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Oh friend I have been there many times in my life. Actually for 25 years that was a daily battle in my brain. Reach out and talk to someone a pastor, mentor or counselor. Focus on the Family has a great resource list for you. You can find them and great resources at www.thehopeline.com. Please check them out and know that I am praying for you. By the way it has been over 10 years that the Lord healed my depression. So hold on to hope. -Rachel
