This question is for happy singles who are not actively seeking a relationship (not online dating, etc). What keeps you happy despite being single? I would like to know more meaningful reasons, such as you are helping others etc not because you have the option of eating cereal for dinner and not worry about cooking.
Hello there, I.G.
Please forgive me but I smiled as well at the last part of your post. Yes, I'm one of THOSE singles who appreciates being able to grab cereal for dinner or not cooking at all (in fact, tonight's "dinner" was brownies because I've been eating chicken and vegetables all week.) But please allow me to explain WHY I've learned to appreciate those things.
I think Magenta hit the nail on the head when she mentioned contentedness. For whatever reasons (sometimes due to my own bad decisions,) the vast majority of my experiences with dating and relationships have been negative, so in what will seem like the most cynical answer ever, I have learned to be single simply because for me, my state of singleness is truly the lesser of other known evils.
Why do I appreciate being able to choose not to cook or just grab cereal? Because I was in a relationship in which I would be exhausted after work but would have to check on my then-boyfriend's kids and spend half the evening trying to find and prepare something for them. And if one said they didn't like this or the other didn't want to eat that, I had to try my best to work around what I actually could get them to eat because I didn't know if their father had been coherent enough during the day to remember to feed them.
Why do I sometimes appreciate being alone? Because I don't think singles often realize how much work it really is and how complicated it can be to coordinate your life with another person. The last time I was trying to do so, we each realized the incredible amount of work and expense it would take. Since it was long distance, it would have cost at least $3000 a year to be able to spend regular times together, and even when we got to see each other, the other person would most likely be working. And because we often worked opposite hours, I didn't want to trouble him by bringing up anything that was bothering me when I knew he'd only be getting 4 hours of sleep. I'd tell myself, "I'll tell him this weekend," but he'd be working a double shift, so I either just wouldn't tell him or would just figure things out on my own. I felt more alone trying to figure out a life with someone than I did when I was actually alone.
Why do we all think we want a significant other? Because we long for someone to be there with us, to talk to about what's on our mind, to be our date on holidays and birthdays and at family events... But from what I found, even if it isn't a long-distance situation, I would still often find myself alone, whether due to distance, opposite working schedules, other obligations (family members who need us, etc.,) or maybe he just didn't want to go (for example, to a family funeral I attended.) I started to ask myself, "WHY am I putting all this work into trying to be with someone when in reality, I'm STILL alone during all of life's major events?"
In other words, there were many, many times when I was supposedly "with someone", but was actually MUCH more lonely or alone than I am now.
Single life at least gives me choices (if even to do nothing at all) that I didn't have when I was in relationships. If I want to do something or go somewhere, I don't have to wait on someone else's schedule or permission as to whether or not I can spend the money -- I can just go -- and I don't have to feel any disappointment if someone can't/chooses not to go with me.
I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm keeping someone's attention or if they're talking to someone else; I don't have to deal with finding images or pictures on someone's phone or computer; I don't have to feel like I'm competing with every other woman out there. I can just be me, and I can make friends without pressure or expectation.
And just to throw in a bit of realness here -- so I know another question many singles are going to ask is, "Well what about sex? The only way we can Biblically have sex is to get married, and I don't want to go my whole life without sex!"
I totally understand this and I think it's a struggle that everyone goes through. But can I be honest for a minute?
I'm the type of person who will ask people what their lives are REALLY like if they'll let me, because I want to know what's happening behind the facades. I try to be as respectful as possible and only have conversations within their boundaries. Over the years, I've been fortunate enough to have a few married people talk to me honestly about what married life is like. And do you know what I've found? There are a whole lot of married people who found out that marriage wasn't what they thought it was.
Marriage didn't cure their porn addiction or soothe their insecurities. It didn't fulfill all their fantasies or perceived needs. It didn't heal their past abuse. And a lot of couples have stopped having sex for whatever reasons, or are in situations in which one wants to but the other one doesn't, and it's a constant source of friction and resentment between them. I've met a lot of people who are married... and extremely lonely.
I'll be honest in that sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday my situation might change, and I even have some control over choices that might bring about that change. But for those who are married and in unhappy situations, they have no other option than to hope things will change with their spouse, or to accept God's grace to live with the way things are.
Part of what keeps me happy in my single life is knowing that it may not be permanent. And if it is? That's for God to decide, and He's molding me to accept whatever happens as time goes on. If you would have asked me 10 or even 5 years ago, I would have told you I was miserable and needed to find and marry someone as soon as possible, so you can see how much He's changed me.
I'm certainly not trying to disrespect marriage in any way. I have nothing but the utmost respect for those who make their marriages work and are raising families, whether single or married.
But when you ask me how I can be happy even though I'm single, I have to say that I was, in a way, blessed to have my own personal "rainbows and sunshine" views about romantic love shattered to dust, and somewhere in the midst of several years passing by and all the broken pieces, God brought me to a place where I can appreciate the simplicity of facing life with a more realistic perspective.
God bless you, I.G., and thanks for the excellent post!
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