Men or Women?

[SoulWeaver]

Happiness is about mental disposition and how we decide to approach daily life more than anything. What is "happy"? Is it waking up singing like Cinderella? Is it simply contentment? Is it being grateful to God? I think this has little to do with gender or being single/married, although a supportive spouse can help. But so can a cat. I will go ahead and say that cats help my mental health and my attitude towards my day more than my husband, although he's of course infinitely more important to me than cats (and I'd save him first out of a fire, to make that clear). The cats make me calmer and more responsible without adding pressure by their very presence. First of all, my day begins better, I feel a lot better about waking up to a little paw compared to an annoying alarm. They regulate me emotionally, so I feel consistently calmer when they are around. Surround yourself with what you want to be. They help motivate me when I am depressed and have zero motivation, I feed them first, and I continue with housework and crafts from there to get some things done, then at the end of the day I might not feel happy but at least I feel at peace. In absence of overt "happiness" in the sense of mild euphoria I have learned to appreciate and be content with other feelings like peace and calm.

 

[Runningman]

I don't think Cinder was talking about "intense"love. I think she was talking about eros or romantic love which is definitely a prequesite to marriage as the whole point is to be fruitful and multiply. There is affectionate love or philia that is love without romantic affection which is generally referred to as friendship, but I think romantic love is a must and often blooms into agape or selfless love and pragma or enduring love. These kinds of love are not 'throwing around ideals' any more than you would throw around your spouse or your friend or your family. These feelings of the different kinds of love are projected by your actions.

That's how understood cinder as well so I don't think we have a disconnect. I think it's helpful to love a spouse the way you're describing since they're going to be living together, having kids, etc. In reality I don't think romantic love is necessary for marriage. Maybe in Western cultures, yes, but not everyone adheres to that.

This is why I think marriage is really just friendship plus sex: we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, not pick favorites. So if that leaves everyone on an equal playing field then how is a spouse different than anyone else aside from the intimacy?

 

[GaryA]

I disagree with that a married couple need to love each other intensely. If they do that's great, but I don't see it as a prerequisite. I agree with a lifelong commitment to one another, but for me that's what a friendship is. If someone is my friend they have a lifelong companion, a shoulder to lean on, help in time of need, someone to just talk to.

I think we're really just throwing around a lot of ideals. I just don't think a spouse is the only one entitled to being devoted to as if everyone else is to be abandoned.

How often do you 'cuddle' with your friends just to enjoy the close physical contact?

Do you do it with more than one friend?

Do you get the point now?

 

[Runningman]

How often do you 'cuddle' with your friends just to enjoy the close physical contact?

Do you do it with more than one friend?

Do you get the point now?

Maybe you misunderstood me when i said 'a shoulder to lean on.' I use that as a figure of speech to describe being supportive. Not literal cuddling.

 

[GaryA]

Maybe you misunderstood me when i said 'a shoulder to lean on.' I use that as a figure of speech to describe being supportive. Not literal cuddling.

No, I understood you. What I mean is that - somewhere between "just friends" (or even "close friends") and marriage (with/including overtly sexual contact), a desire to show close physical love and affection exists - that most people just don't normally show their 'friends'. To reach that point, or cross that line, in communicating that love and affection to others - brings in a deeper level of intimacy that most people simply do not "share" with their 'friends'.

Of course, a marriage partner is and has to be the closest friend you have in the world. But, hopefully you understand the context I am trying to put forth here...

 

[Dino246]

Hard to say. I believe single women generally have a larger social network, so I think they will be happier.

I respect your opinion, but I think your reason for it is biased. I am a man, and my happiness as a single is not dependent on the size of my social network.

I can say, from experience, that I would much rather be unhappily single than unhappily married. Thankfully, I am neither.

 

[SoulWeaver]

We are all born alone, and die alone.
We cannot depend upon our spouse or anyone else to supply us with happiness. This may work out short time when people are just falling in love and under the influence of happy hormones, but another person is not a supply of happiness. Even of love. There are many people who believe that they are unlovable. So when their friends or spouse tell them they love them, they cannot even receive it and they are baffled why do these people even love them. Love must pour from the inside out, and only God can do that for us. Same with peace, same with happiness.
I am convinced that people have to work things out inwardly, finding an inner place of contentment and peace between them and God. Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. This is just something I have been thinking about for years.

 

[Runningman]

No, I understood you. What I mean is that - somewhere between "just friends" (or even "close friends") and marriage (with/including overtly sexual contact), a desire to show close physical love and affection exists - that most people just don't normally show their 'friends'. To reach that point, or cross that line, in communicating that love and affection to others - brings in a deeper level of intimacy that most people simply do not "share" with their 'friends'.

Of course, a marriage partner is and has to be the closest friend you have in the world. But, hopefully you understand the context I am trying to put forth here...

I hear you. Thank you that's a good way to put it. And no I'm not having premarital relations or crossing into a gray area with anyone.

 

[GaryA]

We are all born alone, and die alone.
We cannot depend upon our spouse or anyone else to supply us with happiness. This may work out short time when people are just falling in love and under the influence of happy hormones, but another person is not a supply of happiness. Even of love. There are many people who believe that they are unlovable. So when their friends or spouse tell them they love them, they cannot even receive it and they are baffled why do these people even love them. Love must pour from the inside out, and only God can do that for us. Same with peace, same with happiness.
I am convinced that people have to work things out inwardly, finding an inner place of contentment and peace between them and God. Anyway. Sorry for the ramble. This is just something I have been thinking about for years.

Well, of course - no other person can truly be the source of your happiness. And, anyone who thinks marriage is about "making each other happy" is [virtually] doomed to failure from the start. Marriage is about taking a journey together - having someone to share life with. A solid marriage is based on commitment, not happiness. Happiness may be experienced like a roller-coaster ride; however, the commitment to "ride it out together, come what may" is the glue that holds it together and makes it endure.

 

[kinda]

I'd definitely say women because they have more things to keep them busy like cooking, cleaning, scrapbooking, reading, crochetng, gardening, arts & crafts, watching chick flicks, window shopping, entertaining guests, decorating, journaling, meditating, yoga, etc...
Men mostly just have video games, watching sports and taking naps.

Naps are so underrated. There not just for pre-schoolers. As soon as you hit kindergarten, no naps for you. Instead of math class in high school, what about napping for teens level 1, 2, 3, and 4?!?! I'm pretty sure I could of sleep through class and get an "A".

Can you imagine the homework for Napping for teens level 1, 2, 3, and 4. Did you take a nap every day during the week? I would of done extra credit. Advanced Placement Napping for the gifted. All those easy "A"'s gone.

 

[GaryA]

I hear you. Thank you that's a good way to put it. And no I'm not having premarital relations or crossing into a gray area with anyone.

I am not suggesting that you are/were. You may have intended that all of what I am talking about is included in the idea of 'intimacy'; however, there is such a thing as "a close intimate friend" that is purely platonic. So, the question becomes "Where do you draw the line?"...

The word 'intimate' is like the word 'intercourse'. There is actually a broad range of definition for both words including "honest innocent wholesome non-sexual" contexts.

And, I believe there are "honest innocent wholesome non-sexual" contexts for love and affection to be shared with someone who is not your spouse. But, to illustrate my point more clearly -- how you hug someone - and, how long you hug someone - may be interpreted by the person you are hugging - and society at large - in a broad spectrum of ways. And, this is largely because - at some point, you cross over from the realm of 'friends' into something more "intimate" that is still not overtly sexual but has a deeper 'emotional' content. (I am quite sure that women understand this even more than men. Perhaps a few of them will explain this further from a woman's perspective.)

 

[GaryA]

A solid marriage is based on commitment, not happiness. Happiness may be experienced like a roller-coaster ride; however, the commitment to "ride it out together, come what may" is the glue that holds it together and makes it endure.

In a way, I think this idea was a part of what Runningman was trying to say when he said that romantic love is not necessary for marriage.

 

[cinder]

I don't think Cinder was talking about "intense"love. I think she was talking about eros or romantic love which is definitely a prequesite to marriage as the whole point is to be fruitful and multiply. There is affectionate love or philia that is love without romantic affection which is generally referred to as friendship, but I think romantic love is a must and often blooms into agape or selfless love and pragma or enduring love. These kinds of love are not 'throwing around ideals' any more than you would throw around your spouse or your friend or your family. These feelings of the different kinds of love are projected by your actions.

Actually all cinder was thinking was something more along the lines of, when you pack up and move to the other side of the world (or country or state) your spouse is expected to come with you but your friends don't see it as a reason to pack up and move as well, and you end up basically having to form a whole new community of friends that are part of your daily life (which takes me darn near forever). Which is right and proper, but more or less the reality of life is that I have old "friends" (people I went to church with and was in Bible studies with etc. 10-20 years ago ) an hour or so away that I don't see very often or ever. The distance isn't prohibitive, but is outside my normal orbit and that of my friends as well.

 

[17Bees]

Actually all cinder was thinking was something more along the lines of, when you pack up and move to the other side of the world (or country or state) your spouse is expected to come with you but your friends don't see it as a reason to pack up and move as well, and you end up basically having to form a whole new community of friends that are part of your daily life (which takes me darn near forever). Which is right and proper, but more or less the reality of life is that I have old "friends" (people I went to church with and was in Bible studies with etc. 10-20 years ago ) an hour or so away that I don't see very often or ever. The distance isn't prohibitive, but is outside my normal orbit and that of my friends as well.

Oops. My bad. Sorry for my misinterpretation.

 

[Lanolin]

Quite a bit more than 10 years, Our oldest existent thread in Singles dates back to January of 2009.

As for the thread topic, I think it (by far) is more dependent on personality type than gender.

I have started several personality threads.
problem is there are 16 different types of personalities so theres probably 16 different types of happy.

some people resented having to do an online test to figure out their personality, but its not like they had to pay or anything.

these days its easier to just figure out your gender, without a test, but because of changes in genetics and reproductive technology, there are now new categories.

 

[Lanolin]

Oops. My bad. Sorry for my misinterpretation.

well. maybe your children then become your friends.
hopefully.

I dont know if that really works out for many parents.

 

[Lanolin]

we have a cc ladies only forum but no mens only forum.
does that mean cc women are happier without the men. I am not sure. what do you think?

 

[Kim82]

If someone is my friend they have a lifelong companion, a shoulder to lean on, help in time of need, someone to just talk to

I agree with what cinder said. Friendship has limits. A spouse does not have any limits. They are a bestfriend as well as spouse and family.

If the friend is married with their own family that friend won't always be around.

Also if the friend is some one from the opposite sex, that makes it worst, as the spouse might get jealous of all this closeness between their spouse and their friend. Not to mention people speculating if the friend happens to spend a night at your place.

If two single people are best friends, and have vowed never to get married, but to be each others life long companions and shoulder to lean on. Can you imagine what happens down the road when one of them finds a partner and get married? Three is a crowd, so where does that leave the single friend?

I disagree with that a married couple need to love each other intensely. If they do that's great, but I don't see it as a prerequisite.

Well in the Indian arranged marriages, they get married first and love may or may not come later. So perhaps you have a point there.

But I think the ideal situation is to marry someone you're in love with. Otherwise you may find yourself in an unbearable situation.

 

[Runningman]

I agree with what cinder said. Friendship has limits. A spouse does not have any limits. They are a bestfriend as well as spouse and family.

If the friend is married with their own family that friend won't always be around.

Also if the friend is some one from the opposite sex, that makes it worst, as the spouse might get jealous of all this closeness between their spouse and their friend. Not to mention people speculating if the friend happens to spend a night at your place.

If two single people are best friends, and have vowed never to get married, but to be each others life long companions and shoulder to lean on. Can you imagine what happens down the road when one of them finds a partner and get married? Three is a crowd, so where does that leave the single friend?

Well in the Indian arranged marriages, they get married first and love may or may not come later. So perhaps you have a point there.

But I think the ideal situation is to marry someone you're in love with. Otherwise you may find yourself in an unbearable situation.

The first sentence is actually just a different way of saying what I said. I said that the only difference between a spouse and a friend is that there is intimacy. So I don't think we are actually disagreeing. Or are we? Did you think by friend I was suggesting a friend with 'benefits'? Because I wasn't.

Do friends and spouses both deserve the following: emotional, psychological, material support? Occasional validation, encouragement, and assurance they are valued and loved? Should they both receive prayer and unconditional forgiveness? I think the answer is yes. There is only one thing left a spouse is entitled to that friends aren't.

Some of the other stuff just seems circumstantial to me. I wouldn't form a relationship with someone who had any issues with me. So most of that wouldn't apply to me. Even the perceived scandals of being with other women, some people are just going to slander and gossip and there isn't anything we can do about it. God knows my heart.

 

[tourist]

OR, how much access one has to chocolate

...or coffee.