How much influence should your parents have in your life

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Encouragement

Encouragement

Well-known member
#1
Aug 25, 2020
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#1
Hi my dear brothers and sister in christ over the yearsi have noticed and even experienced in my own life a degree of influence from parents that can at times be unhealthy.Years ago I really liked a young lady in my church (both in our 30's at the time)and I could tell she felt the same but her mother attended the same church and had a lot of unhealthy influence over this young lady in every area of her life.Eventually things fell apart between me and this young lady due to her mums controlling influence over her..Her mum naturally saw me at a threat and was very controlling over her daughter..so she was never free to admit she real feelings for me our of fear of what her mum would say yet felt so trapped by her mother.
Sometimes as grown adults parental influence must be handled carefully for we are told to honour our parents...yet not allow them to have too much of a controlling influence on our lives at times that is detrimental to our maturity and independence its a delicate balance to have.Patents have a wealth of life experience and wisdom to impart to us too so there is this wonderful dynamic too.
Just wandered what your thoughts were on this for the bible does say "a man will leave his father and mother and cleave with his wife where they become one flesh"Gen 2:24..(naturally this can apply to women too)
Unhealthy influence can be from seeking to impose their opinions on you and not allowing you to make up your own mind to even having a part in what wall paper you buy for your own home..😉
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#2
Jun 30, 2015
25,470
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#2
A thirty-something woman allowing the degree of "influence" you describe is not honouring her parents. Rather, she is enabling them to engage in controlling behaviour.

Honouring would be more like inviting input on important matters, thanking them for it, and making one's own decision.
 
Encouragement

Encouragement

Well-known member
#3
Aug 25, 2020
1,488
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#3
Yes exactly..👍👍👍
That's why I thought to include her situation to illustrate it damaging affects of unhealthy parental influence..
What a sad is that all her brothers have has spouses and have had kids yet she's the only one left whose single..no doubth this is partly due to her mothers overbearing controlling influence over her...sad though😔
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#4
Mar 26, 2014
4,433
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#4
So much depends upon the quality of the parents. My personal opinion as a non-parent that still has living parents, is that once your children are adults, the role of the parent is to do what they can in advising and supporting to make sure that the child can function and navigate life when the parents are gone (or more and more when the parents begin to lose their abilities and need their children to help take care of them instead).

Specifically about singleness and relationships now, I think the two biggest mistakes parents make are being too hands off and enabling kids to get into relationships too early without guidance or else reinforcing the "only the best" mentality where they focus exclusively on the problems likely in a relationship without helping the child weigh all the pros as well as the cons. And a close third for parents of single adults might be placing too much emphasis on the single vs married state making it seem like that is the most significant aspect of their lives.

But the solution for controlling parents (once you're an adult) is get a job, get your own bank account that they aren't on, move out and do as much for yourself without your parents' input or knowledge as you can. And in areas you think they may have some useful knowledge and wisdom, then you can consult them for advice.

Then again I pretty much won the parent lottery and have the best parents in the world so I may not know too much of what I'm talking about.
 
SarahUmbreon

SarahUmbreon

Banned
#5
Aug 16, 2020
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#5
So my opinion is this, I believe that parents should be honored and parents NEED to discipline their children. Letting children at a young age know what is not allowed, is very important and is what should hopefully make the children into “Great Adults”. I know my Dad is trying to raise my half-sister better than he raised me, as he is trying to yell less, but he’s human and messes up. Also, the disciplining allows children to not become spoiled, I was actually a child that loved my parents in high school, and couldn’t stand people my age just showing so much disrespect to other adults, it was infuriating.

I know not everyone has great parents like me, and I am very blessed to have parents that love me and took me to church, a lot of what I understand Christian wise has come from my Dad and mom.

But I do want to mention this, a parent should not have total influence on a child, as my sister has stressed, just because our mom and dad are Christians, doesn’t mean me and my brother have to be (I don’t know if she still stands by that thought process, but I know with her liberal mindset, I wouldn’t doubt it if she still has this mindset), but I feel like it was being raised Christian and being “a born again Christian” were my choices, as in I did drift away from God, and it was through that “being reborn again” I realized how much God matters to me.

So that’s my opinion overall ^_^
 
Encouragement

Encouragement

Well-known member
#6
Aug 25, 2020
1,488
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#6
cinder said:
So much depends upon the quality of the parents. My personal opinion as a non-parent that still has living parents, is that once your children are adults, the role of the parent is to do what they can in advising and supporting to make sure that the child can function and navigate life when the parents are gone (or more and more when the parents begin to lose their abilities and need their children to help take care of them instead).

Specifically about singleness and relationships now, I think the two biggest mistakes parents make are being too hands off and enabling kids to get into relationships too early without guidance or else reinforcing the "only the best" mentality where they focus exclusively on the problems likely in a relationship without helping the child weigh all the pros as well as the cons. And a close third for parents of single adults might be placing too much emphasis on the single vs married state making it seem like that is the most significant aspect of their lives.

But the solution for controlling parents (once you're an adult) is get a job, get your own bank account that they aren't on, move out and do as much for yourself without your parents' input or knowledge as you can. And in areas you think they may have some useful knowledge and wisdom, then you can consult them for advice.

Then again I pretty much won the parent lottery and have the best parents in the world so I may not know too much of what I'm talking about.
Click to expand...
Yes I like your comments the and I like the various scenarios you brought up too..good stuff.👍👍👍
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#7
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#7
just tell the parent to back off and say her daughter can make up her own mind about what wallpaper SHE likes.
Yes some mothers are just overbearing and have no boundaries and still treat their children like babies. I have concluded they cant help it, even when their offspring is like 50 years old.

what you do is give those intererfering mothers a pet, and they might stop fussing over their grown children so much.

It could be a chicken or a kitty cat, or a dog, whatever. The powers of distraction.
 
Encouragement

Encouragement

Well-known member
#8
Aug 25, 2020
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#8
Lanolin said:
just tell the parent to back off and say her daughter can make up her own mind about what wallpaper SHE likes.
Yes some mothers are just overbearing and have no boundaries and still treat their children like babies. I have concluded they cant help it, even when their offspring is like 50 years old.

what you do is give those intererfering mothers a pet, and they might stop fussing over their grown children so much.

It could be a chicken or a kitty cat, or a dog, whatever. The powers of distraction.
Click to expand...
Yes at the time (this happened over 10 years ago)..me and her mum didn't get on and she had 3 brother who were just like her mum..she was the only daughter...and she didn't seem to want to rock the boat with any them so the relationship wasn't gonna last.I feel I had a lucky escape to be honest.
Appreciate your comments..👍👍
 
stepbystep

stepbystep

Well-known member
#9
Aug 31, 2020
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#9
In this instance, I can fully agree that the lady is allowing her mother and brothers to have an unhealthy effect upon her life. It would be easy to blame her, but I have read and heard that children who grow up in families such as this are not really to blame for their being trapped under the influence of the parent(s) and siblings. It is akin to brainwashing.

That being said, I believe that parents are very important for children. It is the parents who are charged by God for raising the children in the ways of God. Parents are to love, provide for, and protect their children, and children are to obey and respect their parents. This is how I read Scripture.

Parents, or anyone else, who abuse a child will answer to God even if they do not answer to the Court System. I assure you that God will deal quite harshly with anyone who harms a child. I know this because he said he would.

Encouragement, I believe it is a good thing you are free of this situation. Pray for that Lady, and her family, and move on with your life. Seek first what God has for you to do, and all else will follow.
 
Encouragement

Encouragement

Well-known member
#10
Aug 25, 2020
1,488
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#10
stepbystep said:
In this instance, I can fully agree that the lady is allowing her mother and brothers to have an unhealthy effect upon her life. It would be easy to blame her, but I have read and heard that children who grow up in families such as this are not really to blame for their being trapped under the influence of the parent(s) and siblings. It is akin to brainwashing.

That being said, I believe that parents are very important for children. It is the parents who are charged by God for raising the children in the ways of God. Parents are to love, provide for, and protect their children, and children are to obey and respect their parents. This is how I read Scripture.

Parents, or anyone else, who abuse a child will answer to God even if they do not answer to the Court System. I assure you that God will deal quite harshly with anyone who harms a child. I know this because he said he would.

Encouragement, I believe it is a good thing you are free of this situation. Pray for that Lady, and her family, and move on with your life. Seek first what God has for you to do, and all else will follow.
Click to expand...
Hi thanks for your comments.Yes they are all definitely guilty and having 3 brothers and a mother dominate you so much plus she was paying the mortgage for the parents home as well as her bedroom being a small box room in the parents home she was totally oppressed by them..She is still in the same kinda situation even now after all these years.
One day her mum will pass away and she will be free from her but would have nothing to show or her own life coz of her mums domineering ways.I am glad we didnt get married as it would if been a constant battle with her family and she would still be under their influence..😔
I have always felt sad for her in many ways...yet she did say that she herself likes to control guys so it seems there is this controlling trait in all of them.Thanks for talking time to check this our and to comment..Yes I have most definitely moved on with my life since then..God is always gonna be my number 1👌👌🙏🏻😊
 
Krumbeard

Krumbeard

Well-known member
#11
Apr 15, 2019
1,139
773
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#11
Dino246 said:
A thirty-something woman allowing the degree of "influence" you describe is not honouring her parents. Rather, she is enabling them to engage in controlling behaviour.

Honouring would be more like inviting input on important matters, thanking them for it, and making one's own decision.
Click to expand...
Good thoughts! Thanks!
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#13
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#13
Gaslighting parents are the worst
Unfortuntely mothers do tend to pick on daughters mostly or ONE person in the family to be their minion. If the mother is not a believer and the daughter is, its hard going. I can say from experience.

The bible does say mothers and daughters will be in conflict with each other. It is to be expected. Doesnt make it any easier. Fathers and sons too.

sons are a bit different because some want to be their own man and not in their fathers shadow especially if their dad is very successful. They either feel they cant live up to their accomplishments or they dont want to do the exact same things their dad did.

With mothers and daughters, what happens is the mothers tend to be jealous of their daughter. The daughter could be very accomplished at what she does but it will never be good enough.
 
SoulWeaver

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
#15
Oct 25, 2014
4,889
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#15
Lanolin said:
Gaslighting parents are the worst
Unfortuntely mothers do tend to pick on daughters mostly or ONE person in the family to be their minion. If the mother is not a believer and the daughter is, its hard going. I can say from experience.

The bible does say mothers and daughters will be in conflict with each other. It is to be expected. Doesnt make it any easier. Fathers and sons too.

sons are a bit different because some want to be their own man and not in their fathers shadow especially if their dad is very successful. They either feel they cant live up to their accomplishments or they dont want to do the exact same things their dad did.

With mothers and daughters, what happens is the mothers tend to be jealous of their daughter. The daughter could be very accomplished at what she does but it will never be good enough.
Click to expand...
I know exactly what you mean, I lived it. Not all mothers, thank God, but now expect of those who have not lived it to defend the sacred cow of motherhood (Mothers can't be bad! They "mean well", but are always just "misunderstood". Just because there's that doesn't mean it is so in all cases.).
 
Encouragement

Encouragement

Well-known member
#17
Aug 25, 2020
1,488
1,298
113
#17
Lanolin said:
Gaslighting parents are the worst
Unfortuntely mothers do tend to pick on daughters mostly or ONE person in the family to be their minion. If the mother is not a believer and the daughter is, its hard going. I can say from experience.

The bible does say mothers and daughters will be in conflict with each other. It is to be expected. Doesnt make it any easier. Fathers and sons too.

sons are a bit different because some want to be their own man and not in their fathers shadow especially if their dad is very successful. They either feel they cant live up to their accomplishments or they dont want to do the exact same things their dad did.

With mothers and daughters, what happens is the mothers tend to be jealous of their daughter. The daughter could be very accomplished at what she does but it will never be good enough.
Click to expand...
Yes sad but unfortunately true in many cases..😔..much appreciate your comments here..👍👍
 
T

Treeboy

Member
#20
Apr 3, 2020
68
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#20
My parents have no influence over what i do with my life. Neither of them are christian neither are my sisters. Also i have had different fallings out with both of them over the years not talking 1-3 years. They have never back pedaled their views either dont care or know whats best for me. If they told me to or not to date someone i would just do whatever i thought was best.
 
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