Can't find it in my heart to forgive...

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets · Mar 4, 2021

Hello everybody, today i have been betrayed by someone who i thought i could trust. I dont know if i can find it in my heart to forgive them... I know in times like these we should look to Christ and follow his example but alas it is no use, i cant forgive them. I feel very bad for not being able to forgive as Jesus was able to forgive Judas... I am also scared if i cant forgive i will not achieve salvation and will burn in hell. What should i do?

kaylagrl · Mar 4, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

Been there before. Actually it was someone I was dating. It hurt me very badly. But my mother came up with the idea of praying for him every night. And so we did. After a year I forgot the hurt and got over that person. Somewhere in their life they must be awfully blessed, because we prayed for them. It wasn't easy, but it was what I needed to get past it. Been happily married now for going on 7yrs. Where that person is I have no clue, but I hold nothing against them, it's in the past and healed.

PennEd · Mar 4, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

You’re salvation is based solely in what Jesus did, NOT what you did or do.

I think Kayla has some very good advice. If 5 years from now you still haven’t forgiven this person, you may want to examine whether you have been born again.

Because the Holy Spirit should be working in you to give you the conviction and power to forgive. But it may not happen instantly.

tourist · Mar 4, 2021

kaylagrl said:

I am going on 7 years too for being happily married. It is very hard to pray for someone that has hurt you. I have found however that praying is easier than forgetting. I try to start each day with a clean slate and don't keep score.

Blackpowderduelist · Mar 4, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

Step one would be to honestly assess your own sins. Once you see how dreadfully sinful you are, it will be easier to be understanding.
Number two is that forgiving someone and being buddies is two different things. Also love does not equate to setting yourself up to be hurt repeatedly.
There are two ways to handle it. You can confront them as prescribed in Mathew or you can commit it to Christ and let the blood cover it. Neither way requires you to continue on as nothing happened. It just means you are both released from it.

southernf · Mar 4, 2021

Blackpowderduelist said:

I think this is a really great perspective. When others have harmed us it is so easy to focus only on what THEY did to US and not see the bigger picture. In reality we all sin. I think understanding that makes it easier to forgive people that have hurt us and helps makes sense of Matthew 6:14-15:

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

The more we strive to forgive, the better off we are. I also think this is a case where even though it specifically says "men" it applies equally to women.

SophieT · Mar 4, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

Well you are not alone and forgiveness for the hurt of a very personal nature takes time. We are not Jesus and do not have the capacity for forgiveness that He does and cannot be expected to instantly forgive no matter what.

The thing is, Jesus knows this and understands and we can go to Him with everything we are experiencing and just lay it all on Him. God knows I have certainly done this and He actually wants us to do this. Praying for that person is a great idea as has been suggested but forgiveness is also an act of the will. As someone said, we let the person off our 'hook' and leave them to God who will deal with the person or not if their heart is that hard.

This type of thing seems to be somewhat of a plague among 'Christians'. As has been said, Christians comprise the only army who shoots their wounded and they also seem adept at hurting each other. think it has to do with self righteousness, pride and a few other sinful attributes.

Forgive for yourself and pray for them so the devil cannot do more harm in the wound you have suffered.

this is what Jesus actually said about Judas:

23Jesus answered, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with Me will betray Me. 24The Son of Man will go just as it is written about Him, but woe to that man by whom He is betrayed. It would be better for him if he had not been born.”

25Then Judas, who would betray Him, said, “Surely not I, Rabbi?”

Jesus answered, “You have said it yourself.” Matthew 26

Jesus said to Judas it would have been better for him if he had not been born. Not forgiveness

Blik · Mar 5, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

What you are doing is to take on what is only the Lord's place to do. You are not God. God allows that person to decide their own actions, it is not your place to decide for them how they are to relate to God.

You are right in being scared of this keeping you from salvation. Opposing the guidance of the Lord is a frightening thing to do. It isn't a matter of you telling who hurt you that you think it is OK for them to do that, it is a matter of you allowing the Lord to do His work.

Evmur · Mar 7, 2021

You will not burn in hell if you are saved.

I was engaged as young guy to a real smooth talking gal who was saved but unbeknown to me still very attached to her old life in the theatre.

One night on a snowy cold night in December God woke me up and told me to walk the mile or so to her apartment, I did.
when I got there I was shocked to see her ex's landrover parked outside, and you know, they were at it.

I walked back home in the snow and I had a beautiful peace in my heart, indescribable, so much so that I cried out to the Lord "why have I got this peace? I ought to be crushed, devastated, why are there no tears? I ought to be hurting so bad"

And God answered me.

"God knew you were not able to bear this pain and sorrow so Jesus took it with Him up to the cross .... now YOU have to accept what He has done and say amen to the peace you have received, or you can allow this thing to overwhelm you"

I accepted God's peace and never looked back.

The answer to all our griefs and sorrow is in the cross ... not that He bears it with us but that He bears it FOR us ... so that we don't have to.

Live4Him · Mar 8, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

Out of curiosity, what makes you think that Jesus forgave Judas?

Here are some things that Jesus said about Judas:

"The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born." (Matt. 26:24)

"Jesus answered them, Have not I chosen you twelve, and one of you is a devil? He spake of Judas Iscariot the son of Simon: for he it was that should betray him, being one of the twelve." (John 6:70-71)

"While I was with them in the world, I kept them in thy name: those that thou gavest me I have kept, and none of them is lost, but the son of perdition; that the scripture might be fulfilled." (John 17:12)

In relation to Judas, Jesus not only pronounced "woe" upon him while saying "it had been good for that man if he had not been born", but he also called him "a devil" and said that he was "lost" while calling him "the son of perdition".

Judas doesn't sound too "forgiven" to me.

"Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4)

GardenofWeeden · Mar 9, 2021

First, this will not keep you from Heaven. Period. Never. Forgiveness IS for your benefit as not forgiving can cause your heart to harden, making it more difficult (not impossible) to accept the Love and Grace that is God. But it's not the basis of your salvation. That is a gift from God, that you accepted.

To answer your question, you need to ask yourself a couple questions. 1 What is forgiveness to you? Does it mean you develop those warm fuzzy feelings towards that person again, or is it simply you letting go of something and just wanting God to bless the other person regardless of what they've done? 2 Is holding this grudge of unforgiveness against a mere flawed human worth causing a rift in your relationship with God , possibly causing a bitterness to develop in your heart? Once you answer those questions you will know what to do...most likely.
Peace!!

Scribe · Mar 9, 2021

You will be able to forgive them with the same forgiveness that Christ has given you if you just keep your eyes on what Jesus has done for you and see your own sins as black as anyone else's.

If you are married and a your spouse cheated on you you can forgive and still divorce. It is not true that you must stay with them if you forgive them. You can decide to not hang out with someone or socialize with them if they are known to steal things. You can forgive them but not let them in your car or your house.

Make sure you are defining forgiveness correctly if you are finding you "can't" do it. What is it that you "can't do?" Stay with them? Allow them to have a chance to steal from you? What do you mean by not being able to forgive them? Do you want them to die a horrible, slow, agonizing death and afterwards burn for all eternity in hell? If so you definitely need to repent of that.

Blik · Mar 9, 2021

GardenofWeeden said:

Scripture tells us that sin kills, it must be forgiven to take away the sting of death. If we do not accept the forgiveness offered us for our sin, but insist we keep our sin instead, that sin results in our death.

I do not think you need think of it as forgiving others, but of not taking on the work that is only for the Lord of judging others. We are to judge what is sinful and what is not but we are to freely allow all others to make their own choices and let the Lord handle the result of those choices made.

GardenofWeeden · Mar 9, 2021

Blik said:

Scripture tells us that sin kills, it must be forgiven to take away the sting of death. If we do not accept the forgiveness offered us for our sin, but insist we keep our sin instead, that sin results in our death.

I do not think you need think of it as forgiving others, but of not taking on the work that is only for the Lord of judging others. We are to judge what is sinful and what is not but we are to freely allow all others to make their own choices and let the Lord handle the result of those choices made.

You do you...

G00WZ · Apr 7, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

Accept them as a person who betrays, it is their nature. People reap what they sow on their own and the simple fact is that because this person is a betrayer they have already been reaping what they sown to be in that position in the first place, otherwise they wouldn't be doing what they do.

It's like being stung by a wasp and being angry at it for what it did to you, it's nothing personal some wasps will sting a person for absolutely no reason. You can be angry for what it did to you, but you can't be angry about it for what it is. Being annoying is their nature, and as a response the rest of the world just stomps and kills them with little to no sympathy about it. It's nothing personal, they often just get sprayed or stepped on for what they are.

The same can be said about people who betray, they have things coming to them. It's all in the very life they are currently living and experiencing right now. Justice isn't something you have to wait on or hope for with them, it's already done and a continual progression of things.

If you can accept that they have things coming to them for what they are. and if you can understand that what they did to you wasn't personal you can move past it. What they do to you isn't about you, it's about them and they life they are living and having to pay for. Distance yourself from them if you can and just God do what He does.

HopeIsBright · Apr 7, 2021

Currently in a similar situation of where there is betrayal. At first my prayers were for myself, but I've lately been praying for them. Has taken edge off my feelings of pain and hurt. Not that it's gone, just makes me feel as it's the right course for now to try and give myself some feelings of peace. Hopefully, in about 2 years you will have gotten over this betrayal and are at a better point in your life. 2years seems to be the time frame that any pain and disappointment has had time to heal in my life.

pottersclay · Apr 7, 2021

True forgiveness is to forgive any and all debt that may be owed.
This means any apologies, money, excuses, anything that you think that is owed.
It's a horrible hurtful things to have to go through.
But it teaches us what God has done for us and at what measure of love and understanding it takes to forgive and forget.
Unlike God who choses to forget we wrestle with our conscience, our pride of life sorta speak.
( Who is so and so to treat me this way. To say or do this thing to me. To not pay back me. To lie to me.)
If your heart is broken is it for them or for you?
While yet we were sinners Christ died for us.
We find out more about ourselves in these matters and about God and what he has done for us and the cost of it than any other lesson I can think of.
To truly forgive as Christ did is a very powerful message and example to the world.
All of us bare the scares of this world..,even Jesus.

Lanolin · Apr 9, 2021

well
Jesus was betrayed and even died, but then he always looked to His Father and said for Him to forgive them cos they didnt know what they were doing. Then in three days he rose again.

I reckon if you find it hard to forgive, you can ask God to forgive them.

There is only one unforgivable sin, and that is to insult the holy spirit. Jesus said that wont be forgiven in this life or the next. So there are even sin that are just like no way Gods not going to let that one enter heaven. Dont beat youself up if that is the case, because the wicked dont care about God. Instead be thankful that your Father loves you and wants to keep YOU safe.

MoonCresta · Apr 9, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

Barney - Dittoes what Kayla said. Forgiving is the most difficult aspect of my faith. But what she said about just praying every day for the person works - over time.

I've often thought of different ways I could forgive. Maybe if I just don't see them again - yeah, that'll work. Maybe if I have to see them because they work at where I work, I could just ignore them. Yeah yeah, that'll do it.

No - the answer came to me as I was praying once. Is that how I want God to forgive me - I can see me in heaven and Jesus saying, yeah, I forgave him, but I don't want to talk to him (me).

People don't understand the problem we as Christians face when we are mistreated. It's seriously not the mistreatment or offense, but they've given us a lifetime burden because we have to forgive.

Let me close with this: I know that forgiving is difficult, muy muy difficulto, but all we can do is to pray for the person, treat them normally next time we see them. We may not feel the forgiveness, but we can pray. A lot of people approach the Scriptures with a black/white camera and say, "the word says this" and yes we must do it, but we in our human condition cannot approach the perfection that the Bible dictates to us. Listen very carefully, I'm not saying anything blasphemous here, but ALL WE CAN DO IS TO TRY TRY TRY.

I'm convinced that God spoke to me only once in my 58 years, (and really, it was all I needed); he said when I was struggling with an issue, in a very quiet voice these three words. JUST KEEP TRYING.

Do it. Pray every day on your issue, till you forget to. Work on truly forgiving them in your heart. I think you'll surprise yourself, and you'll definitely be encouraged with how much God will help you in this!

Magenta · Apr 10, 2021

BarneyplusBarneyBuckets said:

One of the things you could do is give yourself a break, meaning, since this just happened very recently, you probably need time to process the events, circumstances, and your thoughts and feelings more fully. One of the worst betrayals in my life took over 20 years for me to get a better perspective on and process. Hopefully you will not be tied up in any negative repercussions for such a long time, though it is possible you may feel the impact of this betrayal for quite some time, and this is not necessarily a bad thing if it teaches you to exercise caution when it would be prudent to do so.

Can't find it in my heart to forgive...

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