Church was extremely triggering for me today, and I’ve needed to have a good cry the whole day (but had six other people, besides my kids, at my house all day). The pastor was preaching that only death can end a marriage, and that divorce for any reason was sin (he doesn’t believe adultery is a reason either). He was talking about renewing the relationship with an estranged spouse. I don’t know why I still act so strongly when triggered (I have been away from the abuse and him for eight years!) but first I started getting angry, then numb, and now I’m extremely depressed and feel that I’m looked down upon because I divorced first a cheater and then and abuser. I feel that because of their choices, I am not allowed to remarry (if I ever actually wanted to). I started having a panic attack remembering how many times I tried to fix our marriage and how the abuse just kept getting worse. I wish I could get an answer directly from Jesus, because the “covenant marriage” movement is very judgmental towards abused women who choose to divorce, and the bible is grey on the topic. I am frustrated that my body still triggers from the abuse, and even thinking about it, eight years later! 😢 And I am very confused about why churches preach that people who divorce because of abuse do evil while mentioning nothing about men who abuse their wives.
As other posters have noted, your pastor is ignorant of the Bible. Staying under his teaching will not turn out well for you.
Paul provides the basis for marriage in 1 Cor 7-
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Now, Paul is acknowledging the pattern given by Jesus:
Lark 10-
2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied.
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.
6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’
7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
So, the basic principle is that God designed marriage to be permanent.
However, Jesus also said this, in Matt 5:31,32
31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife,
except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
So, here, Jesus clarifies that sexual immorality is a valid reason to divorce. Even though Jesus referred to a man divorcing his wife, the principle is the same for a woman.
So, you mentioned that your ex was a "cheater". This is what effectively ends a marriage, and why Jesus noted that divorce was legitimate in this case.
You asked: " I wish I could get an answer directly from Jesus."
Well, I think you have your answer. He cheated. So divorce was legit. Please stop beating yourself up. If the congregation agrees with that pastor, you really need to leave it quick.
I hope you find a pastor who actually understands the Bible, unlike your pastor.
I am praying that the Lord will lead you to a source of truth in which you will "grow in grace and in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18).
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Peace!!