Singles: What Do You Find Are the Biggest Challenges to Living Independently?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Some of the recent threads here have me thinking about singles who are living independently or are thinking about doing so. Others might have their own definition of what that means, but I define living independently as someone who is responsible for paying their own way and taking care of his or her self.

You might be living alone, with roommates, or still with family members (as in, your family members ARE your roommates), but you are the one who pays for your own food, bills, and livelihood, and no one else is paying your way. You take care of yourself and don't rely much on others to do so. Or maybe you aren't quite there yet, but are trying or aspire to live on your own -- what things are holding you back?

What have you personally found to be the greatest challenges of living independently? I'm going to write a poll with some common answers, but please don't let it be a substitute for a discussion here in the thread. And if you don't see your answer in the poll, I either missed it or the system wouldn't allow for any further options -- either way, please include it here to add to the conversation.

I lived at home for the first few years of college to save money, but moved out when I went to complete my degree at another school. I haven't been back since except for a few times when I was waiting to get into a new place. However, time has taught me the value of trying to make my home base fairly close to reliable family members and/or friends.

My biggest challenges have been:

1. Maintenance and repairs -- i.e., your pipes are exploding all over the place and the plumbing company says they can only send someone somewhere between the hours of 8 and 4 (and they won't give you an exact time, just somewhere within that range,) and it's always on the days you work. I once had an amazing friend who volunteered her whole day off at my place just so that she could be there when a repair guy showed up.

2. Getting sick -- I don't get sick often and I usually just keep going when I do, but one of my hallmarks is extreme nausea and there are times I can't get out to pick up meds or food. I've been fortunate enough to have family or friends drop off things I really needed and I would have been lost without them.

3. Safety -- I've had guys I just met try to invite themselves over to my place more than once, and as I said, I don't ever want to be someone who sees men as an enemy, but I'm very protective over my personal space. I often have to cram maintenance appointments all into one day, and I like knowing I have an emergency back up not too far away when several strangers are showing up to my house.

I remember several years ago when a Christian single parent said I should be using my place to shelter those in need and that I wasn't using the things God had given me to help others (such as single mothers and their kids.) Has anyone else living independently been criticized for this as well?

But when I prayed about it, I truly believe that God was telling me that, being my extremely introverted self, I needed a place free of anyone else's emotional clutter but my own, and that I can help others in different ways. I am useless to other people unless I have a way of recharging, and that requires my own space. I also didn't want to be in a situation in which someone else's angry ex is showing up on my doorstep.

Although I do have the usual worries over bills and regular bouts of loneliness, I tend to hide behind work and the busy pace of life in order to stay distracted.

How about the rest of you?

* What do you find are your biggest challenges to living independently?

* If you are still striving to get there, what stops you from living independently?

* Or maybe living independently isn't for you? Why or why not?

I always enjoy hearing about how people live and about the things they've learned that do and do not work for them.

Thank you for your time!

 

[seoulsearch]

P.S. I always try to include an "Other" option in a poll, but this was the most options it would give me, so if you don't see your answer up there, please include it here.

Even if your answer(s) are included in the poll (it's also anonymous and multiple choice,) I'm hoping you'll still be a part of the active conversation by posting your thoughts in the thread.

 

[Lynx]

My biggest problem was insularity. I say problem, not challenge, because I didn't see any way to remedy the situation.

When you live alone you are your only reference point for what normal is. I knew some of my reference points were drifting but, aside from finding a wife, I didn't know any way to fix the problem. It never caused trouble though - I never started a toothpaste tube collection or got in a fistfight at Walmart over checkout line etiquette or anything - So I just let them drift.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

My problem was that I didn't have accountability and was living in a neighbourhood where there was too many people looking to sin.
When you live alone there is very little to stop you sliding downwards to the very dark apart of yourself which is often very primitive

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I moved halfway across the country for college and have stayed there for the most part except for a short time when I was unemployed and another short stint when I worked abroad, plus currently for a year and a half because of the pandemic. I primarily moved where I did because of great public transport, as it was always a hassle depending on others for rides and my parents (especially my dad) was not too encouraging of me driving (he wasn't motivated enough to teach, my high school was walking distance, etc.).

I would say I became fully independent at around 24, even though I paid most of my daily expenses starting at 19. I am generally very good at living independently - I can manage my expenses, manage my chores and errands, enjoy my quiet time, etc. I have not really had safety issues as I have lived in busy complexes in safe locations. Repairs have not been an issue; depending on where I lived the issue was resolved during the daytime while I was away, or more recently I needed to be in my apartment but my landlord had a trusted handyman.

I have dealt the with mental toll of health issues and health scares on my own for the most part (but my parents were always available by phone and that helped); a couple of times I was put under anesthetics and a friend did pick me up as required by the hospital. However, if this wasn't required I would have left the hospital myself. I think it is important to have a few good friends/family members where you live. However if I did not have that option, I would not hesitate to ask someone from the church. No one has brought me food although they have offered.

More recently (in the past few years) I have had some issues of loneliness for a few reasons, 1) my work implemented telework a couple of days per week (but generously offered many more days depending on assignment such as writing a report), so I found that I was missing out on interactions with coworkers especially since my job doesn't have a lively work culture to begin with. It got to the point where I was barely having human interaction at work, 2) friends came and went for a variety of reasons (faded away, moved away, got busy, etc.), some weekends friends were not available, 3) didn't really "click" with people at my church due to primarily different political views/felt I could not "open up", also not too many professional singles around my age, 4) I started reading the Bible a few years ago /thought more about Christian doctrine and that made me low-spirited at times, making me feel more insulated/closed, 5) other reasons I can't think of right now. I haven't thought too much about how to deal with this situation once we are asked to go back to the office. I think having a pet would help greatly, especially now we'll be teleworking even more days.

 

[seoulsearch]

My biggest problem was insularity. I say problem, not challenge, because I didn't see any way to remedy the situation.
When you live alone you are your only reference point for what normal is. I knew some of my reference points were drifting but, aside from finding a wife, I didn't know any way to fix the problem. It never caused trouble though - I never started a toothpaste tube collection or got in a fistfight at Walmart over checkout line etiquette or anything - So I just let them drift.

My problem was that I didn't have accountability and was living in a neighbourhood where there was too many people looking to sin.
When you live alone there is very little to stop you sliding downwards to the very dark apart of yourself which is often very primitive

I want to thank you gentlemen for bringing up the very important issue of accountability. I do believe that some people just aren't built to live alone or in too much isolation. They might be fully independent regarding expenses and responsibilities, but need to live with roommates or family members, etc., for the very reasons you stated.

I've known a few people who would unwind with a glass of wine or a beer in the evening, and there's nothing wrong with that. But without any social cues to stop, one drink eventually turned into a whole bottle or case at a time.

Although I tend to be an extremely introverted person, I have to have regular contact (these days, almost always online) with regular conservative believers or, as was illustrated, I start to make up my own rules -- and nothing good will come from that.

I know this is a completely different subject but this is also why I feel (for myself at least) that I have to somehow be connected to a church. It's a lot harder for me to fall into bad habits when I have to look other Christian people in the eyes at least once a week. I've never been one who could lie or put up a front without eventually cracking.

I understand that many people have had bad experiences in churches (many of my posts are full of mine,) but the first thing I wonder when I talk to people who consider themselves to be "spiritual lone wolves" is who keeps them accountable when they go astray. I would be skeptically cautious if they told me that God alone keeps them in line. Even David had to be confronted by Nathan and his heart was so hard that he didn't even recognize himself as the rich man who had taken the poor man's only lamb in Nathan's parable.

I know that for myself, just "me and God" isn't enough -- I need people around me who know me well enough to stand up to me, but also care enough to not have the goal of just constantly tearing me down.

It would be interesting to hear from others who know they can't live alone for specific reasons -- maybe we could help break up the stereotype that there must always be something wrong with people who still live with their families.

 

[Lanolin]

interesting topic seoul

Well, I wonder if being single is one and the same as living independently.

However it is a different kettle of fish living ALONE. Its not really good to be alone ALL the time.

One of the challenges is you might have your own room, car, etc but there will always be boundary violators thinking what is yours is theirs. So you have to learn to say NO and be in charge of what you choose to share.

I am sole charge in my workplace (school library) so I dont really work in a team, though I am part of a school and it is great but one challenge would be being too isolated so I join networks of other independent school librarians and we chat and have meetings and talk shop and swap ideas.

I dont feel I need to join a union or anything. But having support or someone to bounce ideas off is valuable. This is where for a christian - church or church groups or forums like these are also valuable. Faith is a journey that you take with others, you may not be with them ALL the time like you would be if you were married to someone but it doesnt mean a single person does not have any friends!

In fact, for some people marriage is when they lose out on friends the most. Married people can get so consumed with pleasing their spouse and children that they neglect bonding with other people.

 

[Dino246]

Hey Everyone,

Some of the recent threads here have me thinking about singles who are living independently or are thinking about doing so. Others might have their own definition of what that means, but I define living independently as someone who is responsible for paying their own way and taking care of his or her self.

You might be living alone, with roommates, or still with family members (as in, your family members ARE your roommates), but you are the one who pays for your own food, bills, and livelihood, and no one else is paying your way. You take care of yourself and don't rely much on others to do so. Or maybe you aren't quite there yet, but are trying or aspire to live on your own -- what things are holding you back?

What have you personally found to be the greatest challenges of living independently? I'm going to write a poll with some common answers, but please don't let it be a substitute for a discussion here in the thread. And if you don't see your answer in the poll, I either missed it or the system wouldn't allow for any further options -- either way, please include it here to add to the conversation.

I lived at home for the first few years of college to save money, but moved out when I went to complete my degree at another school. I haven't been back since except for a few times when I was waiting to get into a new place. However, time has taught me the value of trying to make my home base fairly close to reliable family members and/or friends.

My biggest challenges have been:

1. Maintenance and repairs -- i.e., your pipes are exploding all over the place and the plumbing company says they can only send someone somewhere between the hours of 8 and 4 (and they won't give you an exact time, just somewhere within that range,) and it's always on the days you work. I once had an amazing friend who volunteered her whole day off at my place just so that she could be there when a repair guy showed up.

2. Getting sick -- I don't get sick often and I usually just keep going when I do, but one of my hallmarks is extreme nausea and there are times I can't get out to pick up meds or food. I've been fortunate enough to have family or friends drop off things I really needed and I would have been lost without them.

3. Safety -- I've had guys I just met try to invite themselves over to my place more than once, and as I said, I don't ever want to be someone who sees men as an enemy, but I'm very protective over my personal space. I often have to cram maintenance appointments all into one day, and I like knowing I have an emergency back up not too far away when several strangers are showing up to my house.

I remember several years ago when a Christian single parent said I should be using my place to shelter those in need and that I wasn't using the things God had given me to help others (such as single mothers and their kids.) Has anyone else living independently been criticized for this as well?

But when I prayed about it, I truly believe that God was telling me that, being my extremely introverted self, I needed a place free of anyone else's emotional clutter but my own, and that I can help others in different ways. I am useless to other people unless I have a way of recharging, and that requires my own space. I also didn't want to be in a situation in which someone else's angry ex is showing up on my doorstep.

Although I do have the usual worries over bills and regular bouts of loneliness, I tend to hide behind work and the busy pace of life in order to stay distracted.

How about the rest of you?

* What do you find are your biggest challenges to living independently?

* If you are still striving to get there, what stops you from living independently?

* Or maybe living independently isn't for you? Why or why not?

I always enjoy hearing about how people live and about the things they've learned that do and do not work for them.

Thank you for your time!

Hi SS...
Yet another thought-provoking post; thanks. The biggest challenge I have with living alone, and I consider it a "first-world problem", is having to do all the chores myself. Because of that, my schedule for cleaning, yard care, etc. might not be as rigorous as some would like. Even cooking feels like a chore many days, so it leaves my diet with room for improvement. The reality is that I could make time for these tasks quite easily, but I choose to do other things that I enjoy more.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

I want to thank you gentlemen for bringing up the very important issue of accountability. I do believe that some people just aren't built to live alone or in too much isolation. They might be fully independent regarding expenses and responsibilities, but need to live with roommates or family members, etc., for the very reasons you stated.

I've known a few people who would unwind with a glass of wine or a beer in the evening, and there's nothing wrong with that. But without any social cues to stop, one drink eventually turned into a whole bottle or case at a time.

Although I tend to be an extremely introverted person, I have to have regular contact (these days, almost always online) with regular conservative believers or, as was illustrated, I start to make up my own rules -- and nothing good will come from that.

I know this is a completely different subject but this is also why I feel (for myself at least) that I have to somehow be connected to a church. It's a lot harder for me to fall into bad habits when I have to look other Christian people in the eyes at least once a week. I've never been one who could lie or put up a front without eventually cracking.

I understand that many people have had bad experiences in churches (many of my posts are full of mine,) but the first thing I wonder when I talk to people who consider themselves to be "spiritual lone wolves" is who keeps them accountable when they go astray. I would be skeptically cautious if they told me that God alone keeps them in line. Even David had to be confronted by Nathan and his heart was so hard that he didn't even recognize himself as the rich man who had taken the poor man's only lamb in Nathan's parable.

I know that for myself, just "me and God" isn't enough -- I need people around me who know me well enough to stand up to me, but also care enough to not have the goal of just constantly tearing me down.

It would be interesting to hear from others who know they can't live alone for specific reasons -- maybe we could help break up the stereotype that there must always be something wrong with people who still live with their families.

I am glad that I am not alone in this feeling that living alone is not always beneficial. In terms of spiritual lone wolves, I think I have had to learn to live this way from day one

 

[Dino246]

This article came up on my news feed. As it echoes many of the ideas expressed above, I thought it worth sharing... if only to say, "Someone is noticing us!"

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/...rtner-single/620434/?utm_source=pocket-newtab

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Even cooking feels like a chore many days, so it leaves my diet with room for improvement.

When I was cooking (now not so much, my mom does), I was working the stovetop, oven, and instantpot at the same time (meal prep the evening before). So, a few hours of intense cooking served most of my lunches/dinners for the week.

 

[Lynx]

I understand that many people have had bad experiences in churches (many of my posts are full of mine,) but the first thing I wonder when I talk to people who consider themselves to be "spiritual lone wolves" is who keeps them accountable when they go astray. I would be skeptically cautious if they told me that God alone keeps them in line. Even David had to be confronted by Nathan and his heart was so hard that he didn't even recognize himself as the rich man who had taken the poor man's only lamb in Nathan's parable.

If you mentioned the analogy to the lone wolves, they would probably say they are more like Nathan.

Hmm... I wonder who talked to Nathan...

 

[Lynx]

I think having a pet would help greatly, especially now we'll be teleworking even more days.

We have a friend who tele-works a lot and who did get a dog recently. She says it does in fact help a lot.

Of course I recommend a cat over a dog... but that's just me. =^.^=

 

[love_comes_softly]

For me, as much as I LOVE quiet and my own space, loneliness was my biggest problem after awhile.

I also noticed I became unmotivated in areas that I may have otherwise contributed more such as cooking. I enjoy cooking with or for others. Why cook different meals everyday when it was just me? Breakfast for dinner was a typical meal for awhile. 😂

 

[azsheepdog]

I am glad that I am not alone in this feeling that living alone is not always beneficial. In terms of spiritual lone wolves, I think I have had to learn to live this way from day one

I can relate to that. My best friends are non-believers. I have been betrayed, abandoned and insulted by "church people" so many times now I can't at the moment, go back to church.

 

[Lanolin]

I think you tend to eat out more when you are single, or ask friends to eat with you, it also being cheaper to share a meal than to have one by yourself.

The challenge is cooking just enough so that you arent stuck with leftovers all the time! For example, you wouldnt buy a whole loaf of bread because in a household that bread would quicky get eaten but if it was just by yourself youd either eat more or make it last forever, but as bread goes stale quickly youd be eating stale mouldy bread.
So sometimes it easier just to live on crackers!

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

I can relate to that. My best friends are non-believers. I have been betrayed, abandoned and insulted by "church people" so many times now I can't at the moment, go back to church.

So sorey. Happy to chat id that helps. There's good people here

 

[cinder]

I think one of my big challenges in living independently is letting things go when there's no one else around to keep up appearances for. While I was doing the work at home thing before I had my dog, there were plenty of days I just didn't get around to getting dressed because I wasn't going out anywhere or interacting with people in person that day. And I think if I had other people that were relying on me that would also help motivate me to eat healthier and make better choices to set a good example to other people.

Beyond that moving / moving heavy things / assembling furniture / lifting heavy or awkward things etc is also a challenge when there's only one of you trying to do what would be much easier to do with two people.

And yeah now that I have a dog that's dependent on me (and rather wary of strangers), I do worry about getting ill or incapacitated such that I wouldn't be able to walk her or take care of her.

Other big concern / challenge of being an introvert living alone..... I'm prone to not getting the necessary minimal level of human interaction I need (saying a few hello's during the day at work is enough when I'm in the office) and not always good at recognizing when I'm reacting not so well to that.

 

[Lynx]

I think one of my big challenges in living independently is letting things go when there's no one else around to keep up appearances for. While I was doing the work at home thing before I had my dog, there were plenty of days I just didn't get around to getting dressed because I wasn't going out anywhere or interacting with people in person that day.

Fer sure! Them's the best kinda days!

With church over for the day, I'm back home and already in my jammies, ready for about one and a half of them days. From now until Tuesday morning it will be nothing but Dying Light and Drybar Comedy channel.

 

[JohnDB]

I remember when I was single...
There were a lot of things I dreaded.

I had a routine that I stuck to in order to keep everything accomplished.

But I hated grocery shopping.
I hated the roar of silence on Sunday nights.
I hated cooking for one but I detested nuked food too...and it was always about the balancing of which I hated more at the moment.
Did I hate the taste more than the mess in the kitchen? Did I have the energy to clean afterwards?

Meeting new people was always scary...they were single for some reason which usually became evident way too late too often.

Money is always tight and money for hobbies was always extremely limited.

Other people attitudes towards the "single guy" was always viewing you as a predator... when all you wanted was some reasonable friendships. Didn't want anything else...not money, sex, or something... just a conversation.

And the thing I hated most as a single was myself. The attitudes that would form from being single but hopeful were so abhorant to me...I felt powerless to stop them too. It was always insidious and prevalent... and I absolutely hated the attitudes that stem from being single.