What to tell fiance about previous immorality?

[Jullianna]

Well I figured he's gone this far without telling her, and what would she really gain by knowing he's had sex before?

The gain: Their marriage would be protected from outsiders who might feel the need to SHARE this tidbit of info with her down the road either out of ignorance or for reasons of their own, and, as you know, the first few years of a marriage are very fragile. By being honest with her, he is showing that:

1. He trusts her enough to share information with her now that he wasn't in the beginning (which would be the wisest approach if/when he tells her); and
2. It may hurt her (and it may not...) to know that he's not a virgin, but it would hurt her even more to find this out later on, as it's a violation of trust that would most likely damage the intimacy within the marriage.

Not telling her seems like a pretty big gamble....but it's his roll of the dice and his life, so it's completely his decision to make.

I DON'T think he needs to go into detail, because that can leave mental pictures in a woman's mind that she won't want later, but sticking to the basics would be good.

 

[SCGuy33]

The gain: Their marriage would be protected from outsiders who might feel the need to SHARE this tidbit of info with her down the road either out of ignorance or for reasons of their own, and, as you know, the first few years of a marriage are very fragile. By being honest with her, he is showing that:

1. He trusts her enough to share information with her now that he wasn't in the beginning (which would be the wisest approach if/when he tells her); and
2. It may hurt her (and it may not...) to know that he's not a virgin, but it would hurt her even more to find this out later on, as it's a violation of trust that would most likely damage the intimacy within the marriage.

Not telling her seems like a pretty big gamble....but it's his roll of the dice and his life, so it's completely his decision to make.

You are right in everything you say. There's never been a debate in my mind as to whether or not I should tell her. And it's never that I didn't trust her. She is my best friend and I trust her totally. The only things that have held me up from saying anything up to this point have been shame and fear (and, yes, pride). I look back now and it seems so obvious that I should have said something long ago.

 

[Tobby17]

You have no problem!.. What's the Fuss?.. Get hold of yourself..lol.. You didn't make her believe you're a virgin,so no worries

If the topic never comes up, you don't have to tell her you're not a virgin or you could as well go ahead and give her a list of all the sins you have committed before. As long as you're not infected with any disease and you have no child outside wedlock, then you really have nothing to worry about.

You made mistakes in the past and God has already forgiven you. You don't need to go through a second forgiving process.lol....

 

[Jullianna]

SCGuy, I'm going to stop right now and pray that God will give you wisdom in this situation. Surely you know that if she is the one God means for you to be with, this will change nothing in the end, although it might be a little rocky for a time. God bless

 

[SCGuy33]

SCGuy, I'm going to stop right now and pray that God will give you wisdom in this situation. Surely you know that if she is the one God means for you to be with, this will change nothing in the end, although it might be a little rocky for a time. God bless

Thank you!!!

 

[SCGuy33]

You have no problem!.. What's the Fuss?.. Get hold of yourself..lol.. You didn't make her believe you're a virgin,so no worries

If the topic never comes up, you don't have to tell her you're not a virgin or you could as well go ahead and give her a list of all the sins you have committed before. As long as you're not infected with any disease and you have no child outside wedlock, then you really have nothing to worry about.

You made mistakes in the past and God has already forgiven you. You don't need to go through a second forgiving process.lol....

No, I can't do that (as much as I would be relieved if your suggestion was correct). If this was just about keeping secrets, then I could pull it off...for a little while. But, first of all, I LOVE my fiance to death, so even though I'm already forgiven by God of this sin, I just don't want to carry this dirty little secret around forever. No, I don't have to tell her about every girl I've ever held hands with or kissed, but it sure does seem like she should know this. But suppose I have a child one day and they were to ask me...then what? Lie to them to keep my wife from finding out?

I do trust my fiance 100% completely and totally, and she's demonstrated that she's a very forgiving and understanding person. I know she will be saddened to hear this, but I think my biggest hurdle will be trying to convince her that I wasn't trying to keep it a secret...which I really wasn't. Even then, I suspect she will be understanding and sympathetic with me. I was just ashamed to admit it. It isn't like I've taken elaborate extremes to throw her off and convince her that I'm a virgin. I've just never said anything about it and she's never asked.

 

[Tobby17]

No, I can't do that (as much as I would be relieved if your suggestion was correct). If this was just about keeping secrets, then I could pull it off...for a little while. But, first of all, I LOVE my fiance to death, so even though I'm already forgiven by God of this sin, I just don't want to carry this dirty little secret around forever. No, I don't have to tell her about every girl I've ever held hands with or kissed, but it sure does seem like she should know this. But suppose I have a child one day and they were to ask me...then what? Lie to them to keep my wife from finding out?

I do trust my fiance 100% completely and totally, and she's demonstrated that she's a very forgiving and understanding person. I know she will be saddened to hear this, but I think my biggest hurdle will be trying to convince her that I wasn't trying to keep it a secret...which I really wasn't. Even then, I suspect she will be understanding and sympathetic with me. I was just ashamed to admit it. It isn't like I've taken elaborate extremes to throw her off and convince her that I'm a virgin. I've just never said anything about it and she's never asked.

Well she's not gonna break up with ya coz you're not a virgin...

Do what you want......

 

[Megatron]

Is this your thinly veiled confession that you're a serial killer?

Definitely not...lol Just me agreeing that not everything from someones past needs to be mentioned regardless of how serious a relationship got. Like I wouldnt mention previous partners unless specifically asked.

 

[VikkiKate89]

You have no problem!.. What's the Fuss?.. Get hold of yourself..lol.. You didn't make her believe you're a virgin,so no worries

If the topic never comes up, you don't have to tell her you're not a virgin or you could as well go ahead and give her a list of all the sins you have committed before. As long as you're not infected with any disease and you have no child outside wedlock, then you really have nothing to worry about.

You made mistakes in the past and God has already forgiven you. You don't need to go through a second forgiving process.lol....

I've mentioned it once and I'll mention it again, even if getting dumped isn't a concern you still need to be honest with your fiance or ANYONE YOU HAVE SEX WITH about your sexual history. Anyone you take into your bedroom has to the right to know what risk they have of contracting something, and in this case I'm encouraging it the most because if he has anything that gets passed on to her, women are notorious for showing little to no signs of disease for a long time, and when they finally do show signs it's usually beyond time to worry and there can be permanent damage even if they're lucky and have something that can be cured. And while the more common ones like herpes or chlamydia can be easily detected right away, diseases like HIV can not only possibly take a long time to detect, but they can produce false negatives if you test at the wrong time.

If you love her, protect her. Tell her the truth. Lying by omission is still lying. Period.

 

[zeroturbulence]

You can send her a bouquet of roses with a note saying how sorry you are for never telling her that you're not a virgin, and begging her for forgiveness and mercy. Add some expensive chocolates and you'll be golden.

 

[kayem77]

You can send her a bouquet of roses with a note saying how sorry you are for never telling her that you're not a virgin, and begging her for forgiveness and mercy. Add some expensive chocolates and you'll be golden.

Zero, you really know women don't you ?

 

[SCGuy33]

How does telling her I lost my virginity before I met her compare to telling her I cheated on her? (no, I haven't cheated on her in any form or fashion...just trying to get some perspective)

 

[Tobby17]

<i'm fooling around> One more thing. I forgot to post earlier.. When you tell her, this will definitely be her response. Conversation:

SCGuy33: I have something to say to you
FianceImagining he has a surprise for her): What is it honey?
SCGuy33: hmm, it's difficult *sighs*... I..i..i'm not a virgin (expecting an outburst)
FianceShocked), huh???. IKR???
SCGuy33: Oh really, so you understand?
Fiance: Yes and why did you have to tell me?. You should spend your time telling me other things, planning for our future, and giving me real surprises.. Not the ones i'm aware of

OK I KNOW, I'M BEEN A JOBLESS TROLL!, Yeah, SO WHAT??

 

[zeroturbulence]

Zero, you really know women don't you ?

Should I have included a gift certificate to Bed bath and Beyond too?

 

[thimsrebma]

I am currently engaged to be married and have been with my fiance for a little over 2 years. Prior to meeting her, I was involved in immorality. Although I was a Christian at the time, I did stumble and sin. I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it, but I did it anyway. My fiance is a virgin. I never knew when would be appropriate to bring it up with my fiance. It certainly didn't seem like a first date kind of topic. However, after we'd been together for a few months I wondered if I told her then if she'd get miffed and wonder why I didn't tell her at the outset. I feel like I need to tell her, but I'm not sure if this is something worth breaking up over or if it's something that other Chrisitian couples deal with and work past. Also, if/when I do bring the topic up, I don't know how much detail to share. Is it enough to say "I've sinned and had sex before" or do I need to tell how many times etc???

I havnt read all the posts and maybe someone has already said this but I am a little confused as to why in 2 yrs you have nevr discussed this. Here she is ready to marry you and you are withholding info from her.

Personally, I have my own testimony about past sexual relationships and so I am not judging you for that. But I truely hope you have not been pretending to be a virgin when you are not. I wouldn't care if a guy was not a virgin but if he pretended that he was and I found out he wasnt it would be over, It's deceptive and deception is a lie.

If you have not lead her on in this way, I don't see it being a problem. Just tell her how you feel about her and how God changed your life and you hae been chaste ever since.

 

[Jullianna]

I've mentioned it once and I'll mention it again, even if getting dumped isn't a concern you still need to be honest with your fiance or ANYONE YOU HAVE SEX WITH about your sexual history. Anyone you take into your bedroom has to the right to know what risk they have of contracting something, and in this case I'm encouraging it the most because if he has anything that gets passed on to her, women are notorious for showing little to no signs of disease for a long time, and when they finally do show signs it's usually beyond time to worry and there can be permanent damage even if they're lucky and have something that can be cured. And while the more common ones like herpes or chlamydia can be easily detected right away, diseases like HIV can not only possibly take a long time to detect, but they can produce false negatives if you test at the wrong time.

If you love her, protect her. Tell her the truth. Lying by omission is still lying. Period.

This is even more important now that blood tests are not required for marriage certificates in many states.

 

[Jullianna]

I do have to say that, given your age, unless a guy specifically told me he was a virgin or that he'd been a devout christian all of his life, I would never assume that he was a virgin, even if I were.

 

[kayem77]

Should I have included a gift certificate to Bed bath and Beyond too?

Hmmm, add a Louis Vuitton purse to that and the deal is closed.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hmmm, add a Louis Vuitton purse to that and the deal is closed.

Ok, Deal!

 

[rainacorn]

I never really got the impression that the OP suggested to her that he was a virgin.

Maybe I misread things, but it looks more like it never came up because it hasn't been relevant to their relationship up to this point. That's not really the same thing as intentionally keeping it a secret in the hopes of misleading her.

Do you guys really think that someone needs to make a long list of every bad thing they ever did before they met someone if they want to marry them? To me, that seems ridiculous, especially if you've asked God for forgiveness and repented. It's not relevant.