Dating to Marry: Would An Assumed Incompatible Sex Drive Break the Deal?
- Thread starter seoulsearch
- Start date
-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
I
I really had to read this question a few times to understand your meaning. In the end I figured you mean' how would one know their level of interest in sex, if they aren't married and have yet to experience it?'
When I first read your question, I was thinking 'HUH?' ...I'm pretty sure a person would know if they are or aren't married, but hey free world, ask whatever question you like.
Haha, sorry, just had to share that.
When I first read your question, I was thinking 'HUH?' ...I'm pretty sure a person would know if they are or aren't married, but hey free world, ask whatever question you like.
Haha, sorry, just had to share that.
That's actually an excellent question, Lighbliss, as I just read an article about a young woman who had grown up in a Christian home, married a Christian man from a strong Christian background, married as a virgin, but felt very differently about sex once she married because her husband was cold and somewhat abusive in that area (meaning, he was only out for himself, did not care if she wanted it or not, just went ahead even if she was not interested and would force himself on her, etc.) He had no interest in counseling, changing, respecting her wishes or trying to work with her.
They wound up divorcing. She remarried someone who was much more considerate toward her feelings and she wrote she never even knew sex could be like that--her second marriage is much happier.
G
Hello Everyone,
I was talking to a good friend of mine a while ago who has also ventured into the world of online dating here and there (what was that saying again, misery loves company?
), so it's been nice having someone to talk to about the craziness we've both been running into, as well as being able to hear things from a guy's perspective.
One of the things he shared with me (and I think he was quite brave to have endured this conversation, personally) is that he had had an online conversation with a girl who, apparently, within only a few minutes of talking, told him all of her personal and family problems, as well as the fact that she said she had a very low sex drive (as in, no interest whatsoever, apparently.)
I thought my friend handled it rather well, as he suggested that maybe when she fell in love and found someone who truly cared for her, she might find her feelings changing. In reply, it seems she pretty much shrugged off the idea as too ridiculous to even consider.
I have to admit to being shocked over two things: 1. that someone would share this so immediately (I could see it if maybe the involved parties had been communicating for a bit or knew each other for a longer time, but to tell someone this right away? I'm not so sure), and 2. that a woman can expect to find her dream man and apparently, expect that Mr. Right, evidently, would have absolutely zero to very little interest in sex at all.
Some of you know bits and pieces of my story so I won't repeat everything here, but for myself, if I hear something like that (low sex drive) my immediate thoughts are: 1. I wonder if this person has been severely abused and traumatized or is under enormous amounts of stress, as those are usually key factors, and 2. I wonder if this person is open-minded to counseling, healing, and being open to prepare themselves for another's needs as well, because that is what would have to happen in a marriage.
I am NOT trying to sound like, "Oh, it's all about the sex!" here, but as any of you know who have read my posts, one of my own personal goals is to live my life for God but in a way that's REAL and facing the realities of life, because I find that so many Christians give good advice and spew out Scripture upon Scripture... but I always want to say, "If it were that easy, wouldn't we all be without problems? And if it that's what you're telling me to do, why isn't it working in your own life?" (After all, Jesus told us to get our own lives straight before we try to correct others.) In the inescapable reality of life, sex within a marriage, even the most holy, God-pleasing one, is going to matter.
For myself, I've been through my own trials and tribulations... but feel God has brought me through a lot and that this is one of the reasons why I've been single for so long. There were times I was too proud to go for help or did not want help in the way which God prescribed for me (such as, avoiding romantic relationships and spending time with trusted Christian mentors instead.) I am always an ongoing project that God is working on, but I do think He's helped me change quite a bit from the person I used to be.
For myself, if I were talking to someone who said he would have a low sex drive (I realize too that for some who have never had sex and/or were never married before, this may be hard to gauge or predict), I guess I would have to find out exactly what their definition of "low" means.
For some people, "low" might be once a day... for others, it may be once a week... but admittedly, if it were something like, "Well, I'd only be in the mood if it were every third blue moon after a sunny day with no rain and not a cloud in the sky and on my birthday," I would seriously have to reconsider whether or not the relationship would be headed toward the path of matrimony.
As my friend said (I'm paraphrasing a bit but I thought he gave a very reasonable and sensitive answer), "It's not that I'm hoping for extreme amounts, it's just that, I'd like to hope that in my marriage, I wouldn't have to think of sex as being something my partner saw as horribly unpleasant and a chore or that in some way, I was terrorizing my wife."
How about all of you? What are your thoughts?
I was talking to a good friend of mine a while ago who has also ventured into the world of online dating here and there (what was that saying again, misery loves company?
), so it's been nice having someone to talk to about the craziness we've both been running into, as well as being able to hear things from a guy's perspective.One of the things he shared with me (and I think he was quite brave to have endured this conversation, personally) is that he had had an online conversation with a girl who, apparently, within only a few minutes of talking, told him all of her personal and family problems, as well as the fact that she said she had a very low sex drive (as in, no interest whatsoever, apparently.)
I thought my friend handled it rather well, as he suggested that maybe when she fell in love and found someone who truly cared for her, she might find her feelings changing. In reply, it seems she pretty much shrugged off the idea as too ridiculous to even consider.
I have to admit to being shocked over two things: 1. that someone would share this so immediately (I could see it if maybe the involved parties had been communicating for a bit or knew each other for a longer time, but to tell someone this right away? I'm not so sure), and 2. that a woman can expect to find her dream man and apparently, expect that Mr. Right, evidently, would have absolutely zero to very little interest in sex at all.
Some of you know bits and pieces of my story so I won't repeat everything here, but for myself, if I hear something like that (low sex drive) my immediate thoughts are: 1. I wonder if this person has been severely abused and traumatized or is under enormous amounts of stress, as those are usually key factors, and 2. I wonder if this person is open-minded to counseling, healing, and being open to prepare themselves for another's needs as well, because that is what would have to happen in a marriage.
I am NOT trying to sound like, "Oh, it's all about the sex!" here, but as any of you know who have read my posts, one of my own personal goals is to live my life for God but in a way that's REAL and facing the realities of life, because I find that so many Christians give good advice and spew out Scripture upon Scripture... but I always want to say, "If it were that easy, wouldn't we all be without problems? And if it that's what you're telling me to do, why isn't it working in your own life?" (After all, Jesus told us to get our own lives straight before we try to correct others.) In the inescapable reality of life, sex within a marriage, even the most holy, God-pleasing one, is going to matter.
For myself, I've been through my own trials and tribulations... but feel God has brought me through a lot and that this is one of the reasons why I've been single for so long. There were times I was too proud to go for help or did not want help in the way which God prescribed for me (such as, avoiding romantic relationships and spending time with trusted Christian mentors instead.) I am always an ongoing project that God is working on, but I do think He's helped me change quite a bit from the person I used to be.
For myself, if I were talking to someone who said he would have a low sex drive (I realize too that for some who have never had sex and/or were never married before, this may be hard to gauge or predict), I guess I would have to find out exactly what their definition of "low" means.
For some people, "low" might be once a day... for others, it may be once a week... but admittedly, if it were something like, "Well, I'd only be in the mood if it were every third blue moon after a sunny day with no rain and not a cloud in the sky and on my birthday," I would seriously have to reconsider whether or not the relationship would be headed toward the path of matrimony.
As my friend said (I'm paraphrasing a bit but I thought he gave a very reasonable and sensitive answer), "It's not that I'm hoping for extreme amounts, it's just that, I'd like to hope that in my marriage, I wouldn't have to think of sex as being something my partner saw as horribly unpleasant and a chore or that in some way, I was terrorizing my wife."
How about all of you? What are your thoughts?
Hmm... Since you dug this thread up, I got two thoughts:
1 - Maybe the girl uses that line as a filter, to screen out the guys who are just in it for sex. Maybe she wants a man who loves her, not just her genitals.
2 - I have always found it interesting to observe what people consider non-negotiables. I almost wish I had a daughter, so I could forbid her to marry a man who considered sex to be a non-negotiable.
1 - Maybe the girl uses that line as a filter, to screen out the guys who are just in it for sex. Maybe she wants a man who loves her, not just her genitals.
2 - I have always found it interesting to observe what people consider non-negotiables. I almost wish I had a daughter, so I could forbid her to marry a man who considered sex to be a non-negotiable.
Possibly, but I was ascribing more devious motives than that.
Maybe she doesn't really mind the idea of sex, but she puts that out there to filter out the guys who make sex a priority, Then if she gets married and for some reason sex is a no-go, she doesn't have to worry as much about the man getting a divorce over it. She has a higher chance of getting a man who loves HER.
Maybe she doesn't really mind the idea of sex, but she puts that out there to filter out the guys who make sex a priority, Then if she gets married and for some reason sex is a no-go, she doesn't have to worry as much about the man getting a divorce over it. She has a higher chance of getting a man who loves HER.
-
1
-
1
- Show all
uh...why the zombie thread...?
yea maybe she just doesnt want to do it. I am sure some men just want it every single night without regard to the womans feelings on the matter.
In the Bible, I think it did mention couples were to sleep separately when it was that time of the month, just to be clean, so...?!
yea maybe she just doesnt want to do it. I am sure some men just want it every single night without regard to the womans feelings on the matter.
In the Bible, I think it did mention couples were to sleep separately when it was that time of the month, just to be clean, so...?!