the dreaded 3rd party interference

[persecuted]

Okay, I'd hoped that this topic would have been brought up by someone else by now. That it hasn't makes me wonder if people on here complaining about being single are even trying.

Sooooo....... I'm talking to some girl somewhere and the conversation seems to be going great. But of course, of course, of course, some third party of some sort just has to butt in. Sometimes it seems to be quite legit, other times its like "yeah, right, whatever. I'm sure there's any real reason that you just had to break things up and screw it up for good."

Being the go to expert on being single, I am surprised this isn't talked about more because I consider it strongly in my top 5 reasons for being single and think it maybe even deserves the #1 slot. I'm sure I could give hundreds of examples of this happening to me personally but I'll leave this thread as is with no personal example. Looking for other people's thoughts on this issue.

 

[Jullianna]

It can be very frustrating when that happens and, as you say, sometimes it's legit and sometimes it's intentional sabotage on the part of the third person. I pretty much have a que sera, sera kind of attitude and figure that if a guy really liked me in the first place, he'll be back. If not, oh well.

I'm thinking this is one of those situations where the guy may actually have the advantage. As a guy, if you want to talk with someone again, no one will think a thing about it if you try again. If a woman does that, it can seem as though she's chasing after a guy, so if the opportunity to strike up another conversation came around, I would take it. If not, I would just let it go.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I just don't try hard enough and they don't think I'm interested. *shrugs*

 

[Ritter]

And here I thought we were going to talk about Ross Perrot. *sigh*

I suppose my attitude has been too lackadaisical. To me, if the third party succeeds, it was never meant to be. Time to move on.

 

[persecuted]

Thing is, for some of us, there actually are no second chances depending on the circumstances. For me there almost never is that second chance. Like going to events, the event ends whether one day or multiple days, I'll never see them again... or maybe its so busy I'll never find them in the crowd again.

Examples from just last week:

At a concert with assigned seats. Some nice looking girl and her female friend happen to be seated beside me. There is a strange delay between sets and after waiting a few minutes expecting something to happen I finally strike up a conversation with the girl beside me. Just two minutes later a girl in the row in front of me who appears to be there with her boyfriend turns around and jumps into the conversation. Surprised she could even hear us but wonder why she felt welcome to jump on in like that.

Was talking to a girl doing a customer service function at a small event inside of a bigger event. Her co worker comes over with a stack of information sheets she wants distributed and stands beside girl #1 glowering at me. I know this event well and there is no reason for anyone to be walking around actively distributing them. Could describe further but let's just say it was clear to me the co-worker's motivation was strictly to break things up. Mission successful, no reason for me to see this girl anywhere again.

A couple of months ago:

Cute cashier at a store I'd talked to a few times. I strategically wait to make my purchase at a time when the tills are totally quiet. FOUR lineless tills including hers.... I`m thinking wow, I might actually get to talk to her for four or five minutes. The Cashier`s friendly ``hi, you`re back again`` is followed by a turn of the head and a ``you know there are other lines open, right` Apparently some 45 year old woman appeared right behind me and insists that she wants THIS particular cashier. Sad thing was that the cashier looked about as annoyed with it as I was and probably suspected something was up with my multiple small purchases to her but there went our conversation and I haven`t seen her there since. I believe the woman behind me was a complete rat, but yay for her, she got her success. And so it goes.

 

[Ugly]

I don't have this problem because i don't bother with women that i don't really know. I am more likely to just be friendly and that i can talk to consistently and eventually i'll discover if there's any chemistry over time. I wouldn't waste my time with someone after a brief chat in a store, or concert, etc. So yeah, not a problem for me.

 

[kayem77]

And here I thought we were going to talk about Ross Perrot. *sigh*

I suppose my attitude has been too lackadaisical. To me, if the third party succeeds, it was never meant to be. Time to move on.

I have the same opinion. I personally like when a guy tries to talk to me even though a third party interrupted us( If I like the guy). But I think you should also pick your battles. If it can't happen, move on.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm not trying to sound horribly negative, but it could also be for a reason. I've known some people whose repeated attempts to talk to someone were always thwarted by similar circumstances...

Then they found out the person they were trying to talk to already had a significant other and wasn't exactly being faithful. Not trying to say this was the case but I've known some people who found out that the annoying third party was pretty much a God-send who was saving them from a lot of trouble and heartache. Just a possibility...

 

[cozy]

I don't like it but I don't shy away from it either. Never know what seeds could be planted being the 3rd wheel

 

[persecuted]

So then is this why there is so much third party interference? Because people THINK they are being helpful? I've always thought it is mostly people being deliberately loathsome.

Can't say I see the blessing in it... like so what if I'm headed towards an inevitable rejection. Rejections from first meets are much less frustrating than wondering if things were going somewhere if not for the interference.

 

[seoulsearch]

So then is this why there is so much third party interference? Because people THINK they are being helpful? I've always thought it is mostly people being deliberately loathsome.

Can't say I see the blessing in it... like so what if I'm headed towards an inevitable rejection. Rejections from first meets are much less frustrating than wondering if things were going somewhere if not for the interference.

This is just me, certainly not something anyone else should have to follow... but when I run into frustrating circumstances, even these kinds of interferences... I ask God... and I ask Him if I should keep trying to talk to the person. I don't always understand what He may be saying to me, and sometimes it doesn't seem like He's really saying one way or the other. Sometimes, I know without a doubt that He's telling me to let it go.

If I persist at something and there are repeated hurdles such as what you describe, for me personally, I stop the pursuit because I take it as God telling me it's time to move on.

I've read a few of your other posts.... it sounds like you've maybe had a lot of hurts and disappointments? Women especially letting you down... I hope that you find what you're looking for, and that God puts good people in your life to help you along the way. The kind of interference that's positive and not a hindrance.

 

[persecuted]

This is just me, certainly not something anyone else should have to follow... but when I run into frustrating circumstances, even these kinds of interferences... I ask God... and I ask Him if I should keep trying to talk to the person. I don't always understand what He may be saying to me, and sometimes it doesn't seem like He's really saying one way or the other. Sometimes, I know without a doubt that He's telling me to let it go.

If I persist at something and there are repeated hurdles such as what you describe, for me personally, I stop the pursuit because I take it as God telling me it's time to move on.

I've read a few of your other posts.... it sounds like you've maybe had a lot of hurts and disappointments? Women especially letting you down... I hope that you find what you're looking for, and that God puts good people in your life to help you along the way. The kind of interference that's positive and not a hindrance.

Ah, good old chick religion. Guys can't really get away with following the intricate religious notions women attach to their lives based entirely upon the premise that they passively wait for things to happen. My question would have to be, if the third party interference was sent by God, why was the girl sent plunk right beside me at the concert in the first place??? Why not seat me beside some guy, or maybe a fat chick, or perhaps some nice mommy with her three little tweenies? Or are you saying God has nothing better to do with his time than to play constant mind games with the dumbest of his creations?

 

[Suzie2family]

Ah, good old chick religion. Guys can't really get away with following the intricate religious notions women attach to their lives based entirely upon the premise that they passively wait for things to happen. My question would have to be, if the third party interference was sent by God, why was the girl sent plunk right beside me at the concert in the first place??? Why not seat me beside some guy, or maybe a fat chick, or perhaps some nice mommy with her three little tweenies? Or are you saying God has nothing better to do with his time than to play constant mind games with the dumbest of his creations?

Aw...I kinda disagree with Seoul about God trying to steer us away from people at every turn or wanting us to be passive spectators when it comes to finding relationships. I think God is with us through our ACTIONS and if we try something (start up a conversation with someone, for example) and it fails, perhaps it wasn't quite right but we can keep trying ("Ask, Seek, Knock") until the door slams shut. I believe God will give me wisdom and discernment if I am prayfully considering His direction for my life but I won't know what door is open if I don't actively try to find it, knock on it and try the handle to open it up!

God doesn't bless me waiting around in my house for some guy to show up on my doorstep out of the blue with flowers, so why would he bless any other "passive" thing that will drop a man out of the sky into my lap?

Also, if you are trying to strike up a conversation with someone while she's at work, it might not be the best situation to get to know her, Persecuted. Why not ask her a few questions about something, then if she seems interested, ask her when she gets off work? From there, you could show up and chat a bit after she's off-duty, then eventually get around to asking her if she'd like to hang out sometime or go grab a pizza? Something like that... Dating or getting a date goes in stages. It's not like all BAM! and you're an item on the first sighting...try to think of it like hunting for a deer or something...you gotta stalk your prey. (Ok, maybe stalk is the wrong word to use!! LOL) but I hope you catch my drift.

 

[Cheekygrin]

Just be confident and ask a girl out to dinner and a movie/a coffee sometime/meet up to play pool/ come to a party or whatever. It works. I started doing it to get over my own insecurities and plenty said no, but plenty said yes too. I've had some really fun dates and made some good friends with girls from that. Don't get down about it man. The universe really ain't out to get ya, it just seems like that from time to time.
Ask God if there's anything that you need to change about yourself too. Like it's no good if you get 100% emotionally attached straight away. That's not good for anyone. God knows where you're at and is a GREAT wingman. He's into romance and fun. Follow His directions, He's in your corner.

 

[seoulsearch]

Ah, good old chick religion. Guys can't really get away with following the intricate religious notions women attach to their lives based entirely upon the premise that they passively wait for things to happen. My question would have to be, if the third party interference was sent by God, why was the girl sent plunk right beside me at the concert in the first place??? Why not seat me beside some guy, or maybe a fat chick, or perhaps some nice mommy with her three little tweenies? Or are you saying God has nothing better to do with his time than to play constant mind games with the dumbest of his creations?

Why not ask Him. You might be surprised by some of His answers.

Signed, A Definite Chick Religion-ista.

 

[persecuted]

Aw...I kinda disagree with Seoul about God trying to steer us away from people at every turn or wanting us to be passive spectators when it comes to finding relationships. I think God is with us through our ACTIONS and if we try something (start up a conversation with someone, for example) and it fails, perhaps it wasn't quite right but we can keep trying ("Ask, Seek, Knock") until the door slams shut. I believe God will give me wisdom and discernment if I am prayfully considering His direction for my life but I won't know what door is open if I don't actively try to find it, knock on it and try the handle to open it up!

God doesn't bless me waiting around in my house for some guy to show up on my doorstep out of the blue with flowers, so why would he bless any other "passive" thing that will drop a man out of the sky into my lap?

Also, if you are trying to strike up a conversation with someone while she's at work, it might not be the best situation to get to know her, Persecuted. Why not ask her a few questions about something, then if she seems interested, ask her when she gets off work? From there, you could show up and chat a bit after she's off-duty, then eventually get around to asking her if she'd like to hang out sometime or go grab a pizza? Something like that... Dating or getting a date goes in stages. It's not like all BAM! and you're an item on the first sighting...try to think of it like hunting for a deer or something...you gotta stalk your prey. (Ok, maybe stalk is the wrong word to use!! LOL) but I hope you catch my drift.

Well, you know, I thought I WAS trying to do much of what you say when said obnoxious third party interferred. Upon reflection, however, I guess I will have to put much effort into strategies to deal with the third parties since its been happening literally hundreds of times per year.

I have a classic story that I was once in a big Macy's type department store, noticed some fine young thing folding clothes in the CORNER of the MEN'S department, took about 20 minutes to think of something to say to her and eventually did. But while talking to her, a steady stream of women in their forties appeared desparately needing help with something. Think it was six of them in about a 6 minute time frame. This caused me to give up and abandon operation clothes folding girl, but I stayed looking at clothes for another 15 minutes and noticed that just like in the first 20 minutes NOBODY approached her with any customer service needs. Its always been clear to me that I wasn't talking to an extremely busy customer service rep but rather that apparently women in their 40's have nothing better to do with their lives than to burst into conversations where they see a guy talking to a girl.

Guess I'll just have to start subtly mocking the interveners or inviting them into the conversation in the most actually unwelcoming awkward way possible.

 

[Pheonix]

Well, you know, I thought I WAS trying to do much of what you say when said obnoxious third party interferred. Upon reflection, however, I guess I will have to put much effort into strategies to deal with the third parties since its been happening literally hundreds of times per year.

I have a classic story that I was once in a big Macy's type department store, noticed some fine young thing folding clothes in the CORNER of the MEN'S department, took about 20 minutes to think of something to say to her and eventually did. But while talking to her, a steady stream of women in their forties appeared desparately needing help with something. Think it was six of them in about a 6 minute time frame. This caused me to give up and abandon operation clothes folding girl, but I stayed looking at clothes for another 15 minutes and noticed that just like in the first 20 minutes NOBODY approached her with any customer service needs. Its always been clear to me that I wasn't talking to an extremely busy customer service rep but rather that apparently women in their 40's have nothing better to do with their lives than to burst into conversations where they see a guy talking to a girl.

Guess I'll just have to start subtly mocking the interveners or inviting them into the conversation in the most actually unwelcoming awkward way possible.

Perhaps it is God telling you no not her. people aren't intentionally out to get you, and it is likely nothing more than a really bad case of coincidence, however, it could also be God directing those people because you are going after the wrong person.

 

[zeroturbulence]

There's a word for this. It rhymes with chalk-blocking.

 

[zeroturbulence]

At a concert with assigned seats. Some nice looking girl and her female friend happen to be seated beside me. There is a strange delay between sets and after waiting a few minutes expecting something to happen I finally strike up a conversation with the girl beside me. Just two minutes later a girl in the row in front of me who appears to be there with her boyfriend turns around and jumps into the conversation. Surprised she could even hear us but wonder why she felt welcome to jump on in like that.

Hearing your conversation was probably annoying her so she butt in to make it obvious that others can hear every word. Next time try to lower your voice.

Was talking to a girl doing a customer service function at a small event inside of a bigger event. Her co worker comes over with a stack of information sheets she wants distributed and stands beside girl #1 glowering at me. I know this event well and there is no reason for anyone to be walking around actively distributing them. Could describe further but let's just say it was clear to me the co-worker's motivation was strictly to break things up. Mission successful, no reason for me to see this girl anywhere again.

Her coworker was probably annoyed at seeing her friend getting "picked up" on by some guy and so she decided to put an end to it. Next time, ask for her business card before you leave.

A couple of months ago:

Cute cashier at a store I'd talked to a few times. I strategically wait to make my purchase at a time when the tills are totally quiet. FOUR lineless tills including hers.... I`m thinking wow, I might actually get to talk to her for four or five minutes. The Cashier`s friendly ``hi, you`re back again`` is followed by a turn of the head and a ``you know there are other lines open, right` Apparently some 45 year old woman appeared right behind me and insists that she wants THIS particular cashier. Sad thing was that the cashier looked about as annoyed with it as I was and probably suspected something was up with my multiple small purchases to her but there went our conversation and I haven`t seen her there since. I believe the woman behind me was a complete rat, but yay for her, she got her success. And so it goes.

That lady had no right to tell u to go to another line. You were there first. You could have just said to her, "I believe I was here first."

 

[The_boy]

I have the lovely problem of being noticeably passive. So 98% of the time for me she realizes "Oh, if I tell him to go away he will." I'm not exactly what one would call confident either, unless it's one of the RARE occasions where some girl hears me singing and decides to chat. Doesn't matter where I am, church, college, grocery store (the electronics girl caught my eye and I actually ran into her as she was off work.)

 

[persecuted]

Perhaps it is God telling you no not her. people aren't intentionally out to get you, and it is likely nothing more than a really bad case of coincidence, however, it could also be God directing those people because you are going after the wrong person.

See, I really don't believe all of this "it was God's plan" stuff. Like how do I know SATAN wasn't following me and unleashed a horde of devil women beasts because he doesn't want someone so pure as me breeding??? Kinda wrecks all of that "good christian passiveness" many on here seem to believe since we don't know the backgrounds of those pulling interference.

I think there is something naive about your claim that people aren't intentionally out to get me.... I once lived in another part of Canada where it was even worse than where I live now. It wasn't second nature to mess up anyone's advances, it was FIRST nature.

There's a word for this. It rhymes with chalk-blocking.

Haha..... YES zeroturbulence THANK YOU for this one... I'm told that there are pretty much books written on your rhyme phrase.... the problem I found though when I researched it was that the literature was too bar oriented and most of my own fun avoids the bar scene.