sexual compatibility

[Jullianna]

DISCLAIMER - PLEASE READ: I normally avoid threads of a sexual nature like the plague on here because they tend to disintegrate into muck, but something has been heavily on my heart to share today, especially with younger people. Must be a reason for that, so I need to pay attention. Hopefully, we can all keep in mind that God and His children are reading this and keep the discussion on that level. For those who might have a little trouble understanding that, let's put it like this: If you wouldn't say it to your pastor, his wife, your mom, your grandmother or wouldn't want anyone to say it about your husband/son/wife/daughter/sister, DON'T SAY IT HERE, K?

Now that we have the disclaimer out of the way, I'm troubled by the notion that some folks want to drag the same sort of legalism into marriage as they do into the Church, especially when it comes to the intimate relationship between a husband and wife. SOME of those who've never been married appear to be more prone to do so for whatever reason... That's kinda like taking parenting advice from a childless pediatrician, isn't it??

Let's start with the basics, shall we?

Genesis 2: But for Adam[g] no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs[h] and then closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib[i] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

If there is anything shameful about a husband and wife coming together, MAN put it there, not God. And please note that this discussion took place before there was ANY discussion about babies. (Not that I don't like babies. )

A HEALTHY (NON-ABUSIVE) sexual relationship within marriage is VITAL to the strength of a marriage. I can't imagine anyone who's ever been married thinking otherwise. And what goes on between a husband and wife is between God/husband/wife. It's not for the rest of us to make judgment calls about, especially where scripture is silent. When scripture is silent, perhaps we should be as well...just sayin..

I also want to point out that sexual compatibility is not about keeping score. I was a virgin when I married, but my husband was not (he was considerably older). I'm NOT saying it was right, only that it wasn't an issue. There's a difference... If it IS an issue for you, then you need to have that discussion before you become involved with someone and end up hurting them or yourself. Compatibility is about your loving trust of one another and the desire of your heart to be as close to the person you love as humanly possible in every way.

Seems like abusive relationships have spoiled this for so many people, but that's a whole other thread. If you don't think a guy/lady loves you enough not to degrade you or abuse you in some way and you don't trust them intimately, you should not marry them. Period. Pack it up and move on. Seriously.

And don't let people who have hang ups and fears dictate your personal relationships and allow these things to become YOUR hang ups and fears. Trust God and the mate HE brings into your life. He created marriage. Man and woman becoming one was HIS idea. HE knows what He's doing. People don't.

 

[allforfun]

Seems like abusive relationships have spoiled this for so many people, but that's a whole other thread. If you don't think a guy/lady loves you enough not to degrade you or abuse you in some way and you don't trust them intimately, you should not marry them. Period. Pack it up and move on. Seriously.

And don't let people who have hang ups and fears dictate your personal relationships and allow these things to become YOUR hang ups and fears. Trust God and the mate HE brings into your life. He created marriage. Man and woman becoming one was HIS idea. HE knows what He's doing. People don't.

I said this before and I will say this again. Don't write a line in the sand for you and then get mad when I cross it. The line meant nothing to me.

I agree with everything you said. People take sex so seriously. And that is fine, if that is what they want for them, but don't expect everyone else to cohere to those expectations. Judgements and opinions that have no biblical basis are just that. Judgements and opinions.

 

[needmesomejesus]

I agree wholeheartedly with you

 

[Megatron]

Thank you Jullianna...you phrased what I see as a huge issue, in a much nicer and far more PG way then I ever could have. I have to say I agree with you completely. Though I am a bit intrigued to see where this thread ends up...

 

[NukePooch]

Thank you Jullianna...you phrased what I see as a huge issue, in a much nicer and far more PG way then I ever could have. I have to say I agree with you completely. Though I am a bit intrigued to see where this thread ends up...

She already gave permission for it to end up in muck. Her disclaimer said so.

(I agree with her too, but I can't publicly admit so. To have two redheads agree on anything will cause a rift in the time-space continuum which will result in us permanently living in 1984...and I don't own a Members Only jacket.)

 

[Jullianna]

Some things are worth the risk. Reading post after post from folks who haven't a clue what they're talking about and NOT speaking up has been extremely frustrating. We're supposed to edify one another. Those who know the importance of intimacy within marriage need to speak up. We're called to it. There are too many anti-marriage junky posts out there. If creating this thread helps only only ONE young person to see this topic in a godly light rather than a legalistic one and, and as a result, enters into a healthy, trusting maritial relationship down the road, or helps someone not feel like trash for having certain feelings about intimate matters within the bonds of marriage, it will be worth dealing with whatever bonehead muckrakers show up and insist on bringing the discussion down to a stripclub level. I'm sure the highhorse riders will be along soon too, but ...just remember the childless pediatrician thing when they do and consider the source. Some topics separate the sheep from the goats. We're not too blind to see which is which, are we? There has to be a reason God put this on my heart so strongly. It would be a sin for me to ignore the call, so I just put my big girl pants on and went for it. Hopefully, others will do the same.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm sure most people would agree as well with the fact that the two people involved need to be comfortable with what will take place and what they are interested in. I'm all for leaving out the legalism, but there is a definite balance of respecting each other's wishes and staying within those boundaries.

In my past relationships (I was married once, and in others I made bad choices), I have had the experience of a guy asking me for something I was not comfortable with.

If I'm allowed to say so here, this person asked me for something that is associated with homosexual men. He was very persistent about the issue, to which, I eventually replied, "I suppose I'd consider it. As long as it was something that was done to you first." This, of course, was me being rebellious...

It didn't matter to him that I was uneasy with this particular subject. He simply wanted what he wanted with no consideration for my feelings or opinion at all. This was just me personally--I'm not judging anyone else for their own particular thoughts or Biblical conclusions on the issue.

I was just completely offended that he had no issues whatsoever in doing things to a woman that were beyond my own personal boundaries that he would never want done to himself (he even hated going to the doctor because of some of the things that go on at a doctor's appointment.)

Just my own two cents. (I know, all the guys out there who want a woman who will agree to such things are going to throw rocks at me... but hey...)

 

[Jullianna]

She already gave permission for it to end up in muck. Her disclaimer said so.

(I agree with her too, but I can't publicly admit so. To have two redheads agree on anything will cause a rift in the time-space continuum which will result in us permanently living in 1984...and I don't own a Members Only jacket.)

But..if we go back to 1984, look at all of the cool movies we could see first run since we were too young to see them first time around -

The Best Movies of 1984 by Rank

 

[allforfun]

This is why sex before marriage SHOULD be talked about. Period. Because compatibility is an issue whether people want to believe it or not. Of all my friends that have had break ups or divorce or from my what I am learning in school, divorce is not caused by deep spiritual matters. Divorce is caused by sexual and money issues. They run deep and often can't be repaired.

I think this discussion so far has been discussed with the level of respect it should be given. Both parties needed to be respected in the marriage. No one should be made to be uncomfortable. I speak from a damaged marriage where sex was a tool used against me. Yet I know that is not how healthy people react or treat each other.

I have much more thoughts on this matter, but honestly, I think most of them will be ignored or overlooked. Just know that knowledge is power and talking about it isn't the horrible cesspool that the topic usually is painted out to be.

 

[Jullianna]

I'm sure most people would agree as well with the fact that the two people involved need to be comfortable with what will take place and what they are interested in. I'm all for leaving out the legalism, but there is a definite balance of respecting each other's wishes and staying within those boundaries.

In my past relationships (I was married once, and in others I made bad choices), I have had the experience of a guy asking me for something I was not comfortable with.

If I'm allowed to say so here, this person asked me for something that is associated with homosexual men. He was very persistent about the issue, to which, I eventually replied, "I suppose I'd consider it. As long as it was something that was done to you first." This, of course, was me being rebellious...

It didn't matter to him that I was uneasy with this particular subject. He simply wanted what he wanted with no consideration for my feelings or opinion at all. This was just me personally--I'm not judging anyone else for their own particular thoughts or Biblical conclusions on the issue.

I was just completely offended that he had no issues whatsoever in doing things to a woman that were beyond my own personal boundaries that he would never want done to himself. Just my own two cents. (I know, all the guys out there who want a woman who will agree to such things are going to throw rocks at me... but hey...)

Thanks for making this point in a tactful way, Kim. It reinforces how important it is to discuss these things in an honest, respectful way prior to marriage (as we discussed above and in another thread) so that both parties can make an informed decision re: such matters. It wouldn't take long for hangups and unhealthiness to show up in the conversation. It's why those who've been there need to speak up. And I thank you again for doing so.

Lines are drawn in pretty much every relationship we have. There are certain things I could never have said to my parents and certain behaviors that would have been unacceptable. There are behaviors that God sees as acceptable/unacceptable in my relationship with Him. (i.e., Jesus said that if we love Him, we'll obey Him; the 10 Commandments, etc.). If we want to have a healthy relationship, we need to be able to openly communicate those boundaries AND needs.

Communication is important. Intimacy is important. Trust is crucial.

God sees what goes on behind closed doors. If we are sensitive to His voice, if we're doing something we shouldn't or something that will be harmful to us in some way, we can trust Him to let us know. We usually know anyway, don't we?

 

[seoulsearch]

I completely agree, AFF. A lot of Christians will say that sex should only be talked about AFTER the wedding but I completely disagree. It bothers me that Christians are not more realistic about sex. A lot of the marriages in which sex is never discussed much are the ones that break up the fastest or, even if they do stay together, produce the most bitterness.

I am all for Christians saving themselves for marriage, as I believe this is what God commands. BUT, I wish people would be more realistic about it. Just the other day in church, the pastor was saying that the most amazing sex is when two people wait and are married. That's wonderful! And Biblical!!

BUT, let's also be real. Sex between two inexperienced people (or even when only one is inexperienced... or there is only little experience) is, realistically, a little complex and complicated. It doesn't last very long and the it generally takes a while for the woman to get much out of it (as a married woman, I think it took a good year, year and a half, before my husband and I really started to figure things out with each other.) Now, I am NOT saying, "Go out and get some experience so you can be fantastic on your wedding night!!" The world tries to tell us to do this, but this is NOT what God tells us to do.

What I think should be emphasized more is PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, RESPECT, and if at all possible, seek out mentors you can develop a close enough relationship with to ask honest questions and learn from them. If you go into it thinking it's going to be roses and stars and bright lights and birds singing, you will most likely be sorely disappointed. Remember that one of the most important components of marriage, and yes, sex, is putting the other person before yourself. One of the most important things you can do is to ask God how to teach you how to put others (and others' needs, wants, etc.) as being more important than your own (without allowing yourself to be abused.)

I have also known Christians whose spouses are turned on by such things as violence (enacting rape-like scenarios and/or restraints), involving another person(s) within the sexual relationship, or exchanging partners with other people... all of which damage the marriage relationship and people's self-esteem and respect. I strongly advise anyone with sexual questions/concerns to seek out counseling and good Christian mentors. I certainly know it's not easy to talk to someone about these things--I regularly pray and ask God to lead me to people I can be real with and talk openly about important life issues, and hope for the same for everyone else out there.

If nothing else, there are plenty of books out there on how to build strong Christian relationships and marriages that can be read at one's own discretion.

 

[princessbella]

If there is anything shameful about a husband and wife coming together, MAN put it there, not God. And please note that this discussion took place before there was ANY discussion about babies. (Not that I don't like babies. )

A HEALTHY (NON-ABUSIVE) sexual relationship within marriage is VITAL to the strength of a marriage. I can't imagine anyone who's ever been married thinking otherwise. And what goes on between a husband and wife is between God/husband/wife. It's not for the rest of us to make judgment calls about, especially where scripture is silent. When scripture is silent, perhaps we should be as well...just sayin..

I also want to point out that sexual compatibility is not about keeping score. I was a virgin when I married, but my husband was not (he was considerably older). I'm NOT saying it was right, only that it wasn't an issue. There's a difference... If it IS an issue for you, then you need to have that discussion before you become involved with someone and end up hurting them or yourself. Compatibility is about your loving trust of one another and the desire of your heart to be as close to the person you love as humanly possible in every way.

Seems like abusive relationships have spoiled this for so many people, but that's a whole other thread. If you don't think a guy/lady loves you enough not to degrade you or abuse you in some way and you don't trust them intimately, you should not marry them. Period. Pack it up and move on. Seriously.

And don't let people who have hang ups and fears dictate your personal relationships and allow these things to become YOUR hang ups and fears. Trust God and the mate HE brings into your life. He created marriage. Man and woman becoming one was HIS idea. HE knows what He's doing. People don't.






[/quote]

Going to some of what you said julianna , i guess trust is something ive had to work hard to establish in my relationships with guys due to stuff in my past, trusting a guy sexually andwith my emotions is not something id find easy to do, but that hang up im working on, past abuse has definitly spoiled it..But its something me and God are working on i dont honestly want to bring it into any marriage relationship or make my hangups and fears someone elses.. I want it to be all god intended it to be as he created it not what my hangups make it..thats where trust patience and honesty comes in and trusting god, i sure have no idea what im doin but like you say god does..

 

[Jullianna]

Absolutely, princessbella. You've put your trust and healing in the right Hands So important to allow Him to complete the work so whatever relationship He has for you, you'll be ready to handle it with His guidance.

 

[Jullianna]

This is why sex before marriage SHOULD be talked about. Period. Because compatibility is an issue whether people want to believe it or not. Of all my friends that have had break ups or divorce or from my what I am learning in school, divorce is not caused by deep spiritual matters. Divorce is caused by sexual and money issues. They run deep and often can't be repaired.

I think this discussion so far has been discussed with the level of respect it should be given. Both parties needed to be respected in the marriage. No one should be made to be uncomfortable. I speak from a damaged marriage where sex was a tool used against me. Yet I know that is not how healthy people react or treat each other.

I have much more thoughts on this matter, but honestly, I think most of them will be ignored or overlooked. Just know that knowledge is power and talking about it isn't the horrible cesspool that the topic usually is painted out to be.

I agree.

While I was reading through this thread, I heard my stepdad's voice in my head saying, "Shhh...the grownups are talking, sweetie." I'm so thankful to you and the other mature people who have expressed themselves so wisely here. I learned alot by listening when he said that. I hope alot of young ones are doing the same here...and I suddenly.feel.so.old

 

[zeroturbulence]

SOME of those who've never been married appear to be more prone to do so for whatever reason... That's kinda like taking parenting advice from a childless pediatrician, isn't it??

Uhmm well... this IS the Singles forum.

 

[Jullianna]

Uhmm well... this IS the Singles forum.

True...but not all who wander are lost There's a difference between God-breathed wisdom and the blind leading the blind.

Watching some of the people who have admittedly never even had a GF expound on marital issues is just really hard to take sometimes.

 

[allforfun]

It is the singles forum, but may I suggest that not all of us have been single always. I was married for 6 years, I know Jullianna was married for many years and there are others here as well. While some of us are divorced (why yes I am, thank you), that doesn't mean we haven't taken from that experience and would like to offer that to others. Failure is only dismal if we don't learn from it.

This isn't meant to sound like a lecture at all. But the word "single" can become an adjective that sounds so repugnant that people are ashamed of it.

 

[Megatron]

i mean i was 'married' in all but name before i became a christian, we lived with each other for two years and just never saw the right time for marriage...but it is annoying when i see people who clearly havent even had a serious relationship much less marriage putting their opinion to marital issues. I hate to be rude, but what is a 15 yr old doing giving her 'advice' on oral sex to adults?

I wish there was a way we could make some threads just age-restricted...i think it would keep some discussions on a more serious level

 

[zeroturbulence]

True...but not all who wander are lost There's a difference between God-breathed wisdom and the blind leading the blind.

Watching some of the people who have admittedly never even had a GF expound on marital issues is just really hard to take sometimes.

I just enjoy pulling your leg sometimes (pun intended)

 

[zeroturbulence]

This isn't meant to sound like a lecture at all. But the word "single" can become an adjective that sounds so repugnant that people are ashamed of it. [/COLOR]

This pug can't help but feel a little offended by your remark: