I'm married with two young children age 11 and 9 both have autism. My marriage has been very toxic so I tried separating for 2 years hoping for things too die down because I was too affected by the toxicity, as well as I'm sure the kids were. I've had to take off of work as a registered nurse for 2 months on state disability due to stress leave by my doctor, because one of my children with autism has severe and frequent tantrums with violence. We both as parents have received training from the autism behavioral therapists on how to deal with behaviors and how to best utilize a schedule to maintain the kids stability on their daily affairs; however, the bulk of the structure, varied resources that I've called applied for waited on interviewed on, and other things fall on me, which leads to some heightened behaviors in my daughter due to the inconsistency between their dad and I. I know you're normally not supposed to question the other parent in front of the children, however, if there is things that are said and done in front of the children that will cause them to believe that a healthy relationship is doing certain things that are absolutely not correct, I think it's imperative for the other parent to step up and say something so that that child is not confused. Long story short I'm having a hard time balancing work and home life, caregivers are not turning out to be reliable, and I have taken off so much time for my new job, I feel like I'm back at square one and I'm not getting much support from Dad on hiring any new caregivers or being proactive in any of the referral processes. I have several questions about if I am to stay away from their dad completely as he bible speaks avoiding anyone who claims to e a believer that does not live by gospel standards such as division anger? I'm wondering if I should inform my employer who has been over backwards to help me with my new job of 7 to 8 months with time off, and ask them for more accommodations such as being part-time instead of full-time, so that I can be the main caregiver for my kids for In-Home support services? The reason for that is is I intended to hire somebody to be the IHSS caregiver and it turns out that a lot of the caregivers I intended to become acquainted with on this 2-month-off. From work have not been as reliable and so I applied for In-Home support services with me being the caregiver just to get the ball rolling. I don't really want to jeopardize my job because nursing positions can be very stressful and with all of the things that are going on in my life with my kids I need to keep my job somewhat structured with regular days off 8 hour shifts not 12 hour shifts but at the same time I still struggle with how to not be too picky in the interview process so as to sabotage my efforts to find child care versus being comprehensive in my interviews for my children's safety as like I said they both have autism. I just need prayers encouragement and thought that if I put this out there somebody might have gone through this or have some suggestions. I know there are a lot of moms out there who have had to completely raise their children by themselves without the support of the children's father, in my case I am blessed in that he does show up and pick them up he does take them to the store and buy them things, so it could be worse, but the only problem is is he doesn't set limits with them boundaries with them he doesn't there's a lot of things that are going on that I'm concerned about with his ability to care for them and he is toxic with me and sometimes I don't like how he is emotionally and psychologically with my daughter, who just pining for his approval and attention. I happen to live in a county where there's not a lot of services for mental health as my children both have some mental health issues as well, some of the violence of one of my children has led to multiple psych evals in the ER with the hope of placement, which I do not want to do, but we're falling through the cracks with services. My son stays up all night he refuses to take his medication due to sensory issues so between being up all night the behaviors of my other child the toxicity of dad when he comes and goes to visit and trying to maintain my job and fill out all the questionnaires and assessments for the referrals for my kids, and being told by the professionals that I've got all my kids and all of the possible resources even though I'm not getting the proper support that I need, is just so overwhelming. In this time off of work God has done some amazing work in my walk with him which is an absolute blessing and I am learning too trust in him and rely on him more but I really do need to know from a sister in the Lord who has a lot of maturity in her walk with the Lord some suggestions of how to manage my home or my day better for my kids as it does say in the Bible that the older women will mentor the younger women. I heard many people discuss on this forum how people should stay in an abusive marriage and turn the other cheek but I looked at scripture and it talks a lot about how the words can be like daggers and hurt people and I think a lot of the persecution that he was telling his apostles, the Lord Jesus that is had to do with when they were perfect preaching the gospel to turn the other cheek however I do not believe that in a godly marriage God wants Nord is he glorified by staying in a relationship that is abusive as a Christian marriage is supposed to be a representation of of the the eternal love that exists within the godhead of the trinity and it's supposed to be a witness to the world of God's love and his kingdom. The Bible discusses bad company corrupting morals, there's temptation for for anger and frustration it's disheartening for children to see toxicity and I don't think that it's glorifying to God to partake in a person who claims to be a Christian but does not live by Kingdom standards it could almost be partaking or condoning sin. Even though we are called to pray for those that let that hurt us we are called to bless those that hurt us I do not believe that we are to stand privy and condone serious sin but we can pull away pray for a person which has more of an affinity to make the person think and change than to stay. I've been a part of many groups such as Leslie vernick's group on when to stay or go in a Christian marriage and I'm just really hurt because a lot of hurtful things are said to me a lot of our basic needs that we need that I need help getting for the kids to get done due to time limits and constraints I'm not getting help with and the Bible says that when you do not provide for your own that you're worse than the greatest sinner so there's things like that that are on the table even though there are always positives that I can say about their dad I'm just really needing guidance because I just feel like I'm falling through the cracks and I'm just left with all of this pain and confusion as to how things could be so toxic when we're too grown adults who God has tremendously blessed we have the intelligence the resources he's given us the love of our God and everything and there is absolutely no reason that things cannot be communicated on a much better level regardless if we agree or disagree and it's just not happening it's all one-sided and there's just a lot of bitterness there and it really hurts and it just weighs me down and it weighs everything down. This can be hard with any marriage or any family but especially when you have two special needs children who require even more time and support.
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