Deceptive or not?

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S

Stuey

Senior Member
#21
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#21
Hi Katie, this seems like I really horrible position to be in.

You might be able to show him this verse - Proverbs 30:15-16 and see if he responds at all, talk to him about it, explain what you are going through.

“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
16 the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

As for deceiving him - I would not. It is sinful and I think you know it. You could just stop taking the contraceptive and tell him, but I think that this would also be very unwise and just cause more trouble than it would be worth... I think you would be best to talk to your pastor, or pastors wife, or both about it.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#22
#22
It is a very difficult thing to be a married lady who wants children (or more children), but to not be able to have them for whatever reason. You are a godly woman and I know you realize that deception is never the answer. It would eat you alive, right? You are a very intelligent woman, so I would assume that your husband is pretty bright as well. Since you have apparently had several discussions about the matter, should you suddenly become pregnant, whether intentional or not, he would have his suspicions and feel betrayed. This would seriously damage your relationship, as he is trusting you on this.

You are still young enough to give this a bit more time and apparently your life is not settled right now. Bringing a child into the situation would make things far more stressful. God knows whether you can/can’t/will/won’t have children. I know you’ve been praying, but please continue to do so. Perhaps the answer is simply “wait”. Continue to be honest with your husband about how you feel, but not in a nagging or accusatory manner. Being contentious about a thing only causes a man to dig in his heels. J All married ladies know this, right? ;) Let him see your heart and the love you have to share with a child. Once your life has settled down, if you still feel the same way and God puts it on your heart that the time is right, He will show you the way and your husband as well.

As for the contraception issue, if you don’t want to be responsible for it or if you feel it would hinder your ability down the road to concieve, simply be honest with your husband and tell him that you don’t want to take responsibility for contraception. Nothing says he can’t take that responsibility. If he’s the one who doesn’t want children, perhaps it should be his responsibility at that point. But…please, please be honest about it. He might not like it, but he sure won’t be able to say you deceived him, right? If you get pregnant at that point, he’ll just have to take it up with the Lord. J

The bottom line is this – If God wants you to conceive, you WILL conceive no matter who wants it or who doesn’t. So, there’s no reason to deceive anyone. Like AFF, I've seen deception and manipulation ruin too many marriages.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#24
#24
Wise words of counsel. I think I'm just venting because I'm so frustrated right now.

I go to bed at night and the last thing I think about is having a baby, when I wake up, I think about having a baby. I dream about starting my own family, all the while I sit around watching everyone else raise theirs!

I know 29 may seem young.. but I also have other health issues which make falling pregnant more difficult for me than it is for the average woman. I can't even go to the GP to get a check up or any issue at all without her mentioning that 'I shouldn't leave it too long' to think about starting a family. It makes me want to scream at her 'if it were up to me, I'd be pregnant by now. Stop hassling me, you're not making it any easier on me'... but it's not her fault, she's just giving me her professional opinion.

I worry that by the time my husband wakes up one morning and finally decides he's ready (if that ever happens), that it'll be too late for me, because of my other health issues.

You can tell this is a real walk in the park for me.. huh?
 
Elizabeth619

Elizabeth619

Senior Member
#25
Jul 19, 2011
6,397
109
48
#25
Vent away. You have every right.

I would hate to be in your position, and hopefully all of us on here that reads about your struggle will pray about it. I guess that is the best way we can help since we arent RIGHT THERE with you. :)
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#26
#26
I'll pray with you :) <3
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#27
#27
<3 Thanks :)

I think it might be bedtime now haha

This thread is making me anxious!
 
E

eelhsa

Guest
#28
#28
I am not married and have never been, so I can't understand what it is like in your particular situation. However, I can understand how it feels to be getting older and seeing your friends and family getting married and/or having kids and wondering when, if at all, it will ever happen for you.

I too really would love a family one day, and so often I feel like time is going by and nothing will change and perhaps I will never get that chance. I understand what it feels like to have such a deep desire in your heart and to feel hopeless at times that it's never going to be a reality.

I also understand the frustration of having people say just trust God and pray about it. Admittedly, yes, there are many times I could do better with this; but I have poured out my heart to Him and I do know He understands and sees how I feel. Sometimes it still hurts, that's all.

I do agree that it wouldn't be a good decision to try to get pregnant without your husband's knowledge, but I can understand the pain you must be in. There never are any easy answers when it comes to such deep longings and hopes that you're afraid will never happen. And if he did tell you he wanted kids before, and he knew that was important to you before you were married, than he has been unfair as well. He married you knowing that children are something you deeply desire, and in my opinion it is not fair of him to expect that that should change for you. Marriage is about compromise, and while having children is a huge decision, it's also something where the couple has to care about how each other feels.

If he really did want kids before but now doesn't, he should still care about how that feels to you. That being said, ultimately you cannot decide for him, and even if he finally said you could have one but didn't really want the baby, it would be so painful to have to live with that. You would basically be a single parent, at least emotionally, because he would likely be distant and even resentful.

I wish many things in life made more sense. I wish that just because someone deeply longed for such a beautiful experience, that they could have that. I know God loves you though, and He sees your heart, just as He did the women in the Bible who longed for children. He has not forgotten you.
 
M

Matthew

Guest
#29
#29
All I can say is do not go off birth control to fall pregnant, you can of course get away with it easily, these things fail, but even if you were able to live with the guilt and go forward as normal it would just create new and more serious problems.

As the product of a marriage where the woman wanted nothing but kids and the husband was indifferent at best, I can tell you without doubt that within the context of a stable and complete family there is NOTHING worse than being disconnected from a parent and knowing the reason why is that you were never really wanted.

It throws up a thousand issues I'm sure you can imagine for yourself, your husband being a good man would do the right thing and be a provider and a father, but the bond that grows between parent and child can only grow if the heart is truly open to that relationship.
It works out with many accidental pregnancies because most people can say to themselves that they would have had kids one day.......if your husband can't ever do that a child will never get from him what he should get, regardless of best effort or intention, the feeling of genuine love cannot ever be forced, a child should come from that place, and only that place.

It seems to me this a marital problem, and when there is a problem going forward inspite of it is the single worst mistake that you can make, and no-one has the right to do that another against their will, and no child should ever be born to a parent who didn't truly want them, a tragedy.

I know that is nothing you'll enjoy reading, but it is sadly the truth.
 
E

eelhsa

Guest
#30
#30
Matthew said:
All I can say is do not go off birth control to fall pregnant, you can of course get away with it easily, these things fail, but even if you were able to live with the guilt and go forward as normal it would just create new and more serious problems.

As the product of a marriage where the woman wanted nothing but kids and the husband was indifferent at best, I can tell you without doubt that within the context of a stable and complete family there is NOTHING worse than being disconnected from a parent and knowing the reason why is that you were never really wanted.

It throws up a thousand issues I'm sure you can imagine for yourself, your husband being a good man would do the right thing and be a provider and a father, but the bond that grows between parent and child can only grow if the heart is truly open to that relationship.
It works out with many accidental pregnancies because most people can say to themselves that they would have had kids one day.......if your husband can't ever do that a child will never get from him what he should get, regardless of best effort or intention, the feeling of genuine love cannot ever be forced, a child should come from that place, and only that place.

It seems to me this a marital problem, and when there is a problem going forward inspite of it is the single worst mistake that you can make, and no-one has the right to do that another against their will, and no child should ever be born to a parent who didn't truly want them, a tragedy.

I know that is nothing you'll enjoy reading, but it is sadly the truth.
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I absolutely agree. Thank you for sharing this.
 
L

Liz01

Guest
#31
#31
I think to do that is not good for your marriage, i have a friend that his wife got pregnant in this way and he says that the trust between them is broken, even a lot of time after that, their marriage is lack of trust.
 
HoneyDew

HoneyDew

Senior Member
#32
Apr 30, 2011
2,357
386
83
#32
Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I pray peace for your spirit iraasuup.

What I have learned in my walk in the Lord when we pray it's either Yes...No...or wait. There is a scripture that says (Psalms 27:14) Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. While we wait on the Lord it is important that we posture ourselves for his blessings.

Wait doesn't necessarily mean do nothing. What is it that we do when we "wait" on someone? Think of it as a waitress does while she waits on the one she is serving. She asks what she can do for them to better serve them. She doesn't always wait until told to do something she does it. Not saying that you are not busy for God, what I am saying is reknew your mind set...get busier.

You took your focus off of God and put it on your situation. Turn your mind back to God speak the word and watch His hands move on your behalf. I know sometimes life circumstances can be discouraging especially when we become impatient and take things in our own hands. Don't do that, by doing so not only are you being dishonest to your husband you are also saying that God cannot do what his word says.

Be patient irrasup...Gods timing isn't our timing but His timing is the best. Be encouraged, He loves you sees your heart and has not forgotten about you. When your husband is not open to your words... talk to God to talk to the man. Fasting along with prayer works wonders.

Blessings.

Isaiah 26:3
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.


Luke 1:37
For with God nothing shall be impossible.


Psalm 84:11
For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.


Hebrews 11:11
By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised.
 
J

Jullianna

Guest
#33
#33
As you pray and wait, remember that there have been couples both in scripture and that we know personally who have been blessed with children against all odds, be it health issues, age, etc. God doesn’t love you any less than He loves/loved His other kids. J <3
 
N

Nalu

Guest
#34
#34
iraasuup said:
Okay.. just throwing this out there.

Curious to see what other people think? Particularly interested to see how the guys respond to this (assuming they were in this situation)...

If a couple had been married sometime, but let's say the wife is eager to start a family, but the husband isn't keen at all. Let's say the wife isn't getting any younger, and has sat by watching all her friends/family celebrate the joys of parenthood, but never pushed the issue with her husband because he's been very clear about not wanting kids.

How wrong would it be if the wife 'pushed things along a little' to make it happen? ie: stopped using contraception. If talking to her husband hasn't worked to change his mind, and prayers haven't helped either, and the body clock is ticking overtime, would taking things into her own hands be deceptive? Would 'Honey, I'm pregnant' change his attitude to things, since he'd have no choice but to get used to the idea of becoming a Father.. or is that a terrible idea for her to consider?

Do you think things really do change? ie: the saying 'it's different when they're your own kids'...is that really true or is just some flippant cliche response people use often? Would his attitude towards having children change once his own son/daughter had come into the world?

Do you think the wife would have to one day admit to her husband about what she did (should she choose to 'help things along') thus causing strain on her relationship in the future? What do you think God would think about this? Is there a solution to this problem?

Does 'typing in the third person' confuse the readers of this thread?

Any suggestions greatly appreciated!!

*Happy to answer any further questions or clarify any confusion about said situation in this post*
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I would just say, whatever happens, happens. I love kids, and I would want a wife to be happy and content. When two people are married, having a child does not require explanation.
It's a natural part of life.
 
M

Maddog

Guest
#35
#35
Just say you won't have sex with contraception. Then he can take it or leave it. I'd guess he'd take it though.
 
N

Nalu

Guest
#36
#36
iraasuup said:
further clarification.

WE DID discuss this before marriage. We talked about having kids and what 'baby names' we liked.

He now says he NEVER wants kids, and claims he has always held this view and told me this before we got married.

Um.. no he didn't- I would have remembered that. He changed his mind, and now I'm just supposed to deal with it?
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Ok, so initially he did want children, and now he say's he never want's children, that tactic is called the ole bait and switch, and is very deceptive.

Its like showing some one a picture of a perfect cut of prime rib on a restaurant menu, the bringing a cold bologna sandwich to their table.

A simple exercise here, pick out baby names, then say, I never want kids.

One more time in slow motion, pickkkk outtttt babyyyyyy namessss to I never want kids.

I hear what you are saying Iraa.

Even Stevie Wonder can see that this ain't right.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#38
#38
Maddog said:
Just say you won't have sex with contraception. Then he can take it or leave it. I'd guess he'd take it though.
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Haha! You're right, he'd probably take it anyway it comes.
 
I

iraasuup

Guest
#39
#39
zeroturbulence said:
You can pray that the contraception fails :)
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I could do that. My main concern is how to broach the issue of what to do when I need to have the IUD removed (which is this coming December).

It has to be removed after 5 years, and I think he just assumes I'll get another. I don't want to fight with him, but I don't want to lie to him.

Any suggestions on how I can discuss with him the option of having the IUD removed and NOT having it replaced? I can't tell him I've had side-affects, because I haven't- it's worked to solve all my health issues related to that. It's worked as a contraceptive - so short of 'wanting to get pregnant' I have no other valid reason to not want another one, and since he doesn't want a baby, he isn't likely to agree to not using contraception because I want a baby...is he?
 
B

babarainbowsheep

Guest
#40
#40
I agree.
It is deceptive, dishonest and really unfair towards him and your unborn child.

Counceling was a good suggestion.

I can not make babies cause I had cancer in ovaries.
(not through this body anyway)
Posess a cowbody or something ;)
Giving milk to a lotta bodies :)
or being meat..my friend samuel is kills for food sometimes and always does so with a prayer and in a beautiful manner, with respect etc A "good kill" so to say.
I sometimes feel that I breastfeed in a spiritual way.In comforting someone perhaps just.......
Experienced holy ghost and me giving birth and surounded by good spirits helping out before all of this happened.Was about 13 yrs ago or so now.
Also lost a unborn baby because of many reasons I wont go in on now.(torture? )
I then think of thoughts such as soulmother, soul age, mother through in all species, etc...

I also see those with sociallife, friends, family, can use their real names and identity, children etc and the things that happened and shaped me the way did and long for and want these things.
Keep faith.
I have been on a deep, soulful, spiritual journey that i could not begin to describe or put in words.

I would of made a beautiful Mother as Victoria and in through this body and I hope I can do my best to do my best and spread and give love, care and goodness.

What my true reasons for having children.If I see my soulmate as a child as a elderly person , as another and in so many ways.......
If it is soul age, soulmother and more than the person we are raising.

Love
so important
once said "they more they love more"

You have friends with children.
Maybe you can babysit.

Sorry if my post is a bit wierd
Have my moments ;)
and am a bit emotional today :(

Best wishes to you
and I hope you will truly genuinly understand that you should not deceive your partner.
Hold him higher than to treat him like that and your unborn child also.
 
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