Repented sexual immorality almost a month ago and started using covenant eyes, an app used for monitoring lustful images on your devices. It alerts your allies, who will know you have slipped. Even though I’ve been free of it for almost a month, I believe the past trauma of being sexually assaulted by woman when I was 6 and being molested by two men in my teens, have left unhealed scars. There are tons of events that took place in my life where I bottled up all of the pain that took place. From 17 to 26, I was hyper sexualized until I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior. I’m 36 and have been celibate from sex ever since but that is also the same year I got a smart phone and also the same year I switched from sex to porn. In 2022 in February I did try covenant eyes and I was able to stop porn and masturbation for about a year and a half. I never felt more whole and closer to God but the underlying traumas and past abuse was never processed. In October 2023, I got a Christian therapist, who I’ve been talking to two times per week since then. It’s been a year, a lot of progress was made, such as learning how to create boundaries with people and finding out that I have bipolar disorder which is currently being treated with medication but still, I sense that this is just the beginning of my healing process cause I went on my first date in over ten years to a church. We were talking over the phone for about a month and then went on a date to church. I enjoyed the church that we went to but I couldn’t help but notice her negative body language. She put me in the friend zone by the end of our date. I took two trains and two buses to see her. It took a lot of bravery for me to go out there and took about 2.5 hours to get there. Our phone calls before this were great. The whole 2 trains and 2 buses back I felt less than. I didn’t talk to her until the next day. I told her that I’m not sure if I can speak to her because I feel hatred over the situation and that I may have to process things with my therapist. She said “what? Why?” And I told her that I’m just respecting her boundaries. She didn’t like that and so I told her because I got friend zoned on the first date, so all the motivation that I had for pursuing her completely died. My goal was marriage and doing it the right way, keeping things holy until we sign legal documents and have a ceremony. I even had plans of building a 3 bedroom 3 bath diy house in my current backyard. So everything would have been set up perfectly. She said she wants to go on more dates but I felt like I already decided that that wouldn’t be a good idea if she just sees me as a friend. For her it would be like dating her brother. Which to me, isn’t God’s design. Anyways, I have more pain and hurt from my past that I need to process before I date again.
