CRA Christians in Recovery (anonymous)

Repented sexual immorality almost a month ago and started using covenant eyes, an app used for monitoring lustful images on your devices. It alerts your allies, who will know you have slipped. Even though I’ve been free of it for almost a month, I believe the past trauma of being sexually assaulted by woman when I was 6 and being molested by two men in my teens, have left unhealed scars. There are tons of events that took place in my life where I bottled up all of the pain that took place. From 17 to 26, I was hyper sexualized until I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior. I’m 36 and have been celibate from sex ever since but that is also the same year I got a smart phone and also the same year I switched from sex to porn. In 2022 in February I did try covenant eyes and I was able to stop porn and masturbation for about a year and a half. I never felt more whole and closer to God but the underlying traumas and past abuse was never processed. In October 2023, I got a Christian therapist, who I’ve been talking to two times per week since then. It’s been a year, a lot of progress was made, such as learning how to create boundaries with people and finding out that I have bipolar disorder which is currently being treated with medication but still, I sense that this is just the beginning of my healing process cause I went on my first date in over ten years to a church. We were talking over the phone for about a month and then went on a date to church. I enjoyed the church that we went to but I couldn’t help but notice her negative body language. She put me in the friend zone by the end of our date. I took two trains and two buses to see her. It took a lot of bravery for me to go out there and took about 2.5 hours to get there. Our phone calls before this were great. The whole 2 trains and 2 buses back I felt less than. I didn’t talk to her until the next day. I told her that I’m not sure if I can speak to her because I feel hatred over the situation and that I may have to process things with my therapist. She said “what? Why?” And I told her that I’m just respecting her boundaries. She didn’t like that and so I told her because I got friend zoned on the first date, so all the motivation that I had for pursuing her completely died. My goal was marriage and doing it the right way, keeping things holy until we sign legal documents and have a ceremony. I even had plans of building a 3 bedroom 3 bath diy house in my current backyard. So everything would have been set up perfectly. She said she wants to go on more dates but I felt like I already decided that that wouldn’t be a good idea if she just sees me as a friend. For her it would be like dating her brother. Which to me, isn’t God’s design. Anyways, I have more pain and hurt from my past that I need to process before I date again.

Nothing worse than having a prospective spouse putting you in the friend zone.

After my divorce in my first marriage years ago I was single and celibate for 18 years. Dated a little after the divorce but finally gave it up.

It is best to pray for God to lead you to the one that was meant for you. In my first marriage I did my own thing with disastrous results. You are right in processing your pain before contemplating pursuing a relationship that may lead to marriage.

Believe me, I get the loneliness aspect too. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Stay in prayer. Based on my own experience and observation, it is the best way to go.

"I learned I had to let go of the past, or the past would never let me go!
This has been greatly learned by many who have come to acceptance.
Make no mistake, where I go goes my Serenity Prayer AA medallion coin...now over two decades!

Congratulations, I thought I was disciplined. I stopped in 2014 but I have drank alcohol three times since. The last time I drank a glass of red wine and bread after my first time completing the ESV Bible. I thought eating Jesus’ body and drinking his blood was suitable after such an accomplishment but when I drank the wine, I felt darkness come over me. So it was a reminder that maybe it’s best to keep the demons at bay.

Will do, I’ve been diligent and daily in the Bible the past two years. Also, pray.com is a good coping mechanism to feel the healing presence of Jesus and of course worship music but I feel like I need to go deeper, as if there are deeper wounds that need to be processed, until I am whole.

I believe that as part of the healing regimen, anger is unprocessed pain. With the grace of God, one day I will be made whole too. I pray the same for everyone. I will say a prayer for you as well. Be brave, brother and keep the faith.