X & Y- Tools for Marriage
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I would say establishing healthy boundaries. That way people can still self care and spend time with God, while also making time with their significant other. Otherwise, we’d always want to be around that person. The couple know that they like one another, so stepping away to let’s say, go to work on a project or have alone time with God to process life, isn’t going to stop them from wanting to connect, especially if they already formed a bond. They’ll know that, yeah, talking to other people is great and all but because they are attracted to one another in a spiritual sense, an emotional sense and even a physical sense. They will continue to go back to one another.
I also recommend a date night, at least once a week. My God parents did a date night every Friday night, and sometimes even Saturday nights, for the last 40 years of their marriage. They’ve only mentioned the D word once, because they had a hard time during the recession but they powered through it and still together to this day, with now almost all of their children married and their first set of grandchildren were born a few months ago.
I also recommend a date night, at least once a week. My God parents did a date night every Friday night, and sometimes even Saturday nights, for the last 40 years of their marriage. They’ve only mentioned the D word once, because they had a hard time during the recession but they powered through it and still together to this day, with now almost all of their children married and their first set of grandchildren were born a few months ago.
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All good points. I want to focus on foundational dynamics and foundational issues that usually go overlooked but that influence marriage relationships and overall romantic relationships more than the more obvious dynamics.
There are tons of these dynamics. Think about a tree with branches, a trunk, and roots. The branches are the most visible; these are the dynamics and issues that anyone can observe and that get the most attention. Then you have the trunk; these dynamics don't get much attention but play a bigger role in influencing relationships. Then you have the roots; these dynamics usually go totally undetected but play the biggest role and have the greatest influence on relationships.
I want to say that I'm learning as I go along and that there are too many of these [roots] to find all of them by yourself. But "every journey begins with small steps."
There are tons of these dynamics. Think about a tree with branches, a trunk, and roots. The branches are the most visible; these are the dynamics and issues that anyone can observe and that get the most attention. Then you have the trunk; these dynamics don't get much attention but play a bigger role in influencing relationships. Then you have the roots; these dynamics usually go totally undetected but play the biggest role and have the greatest influence on relationships.
I want to say that I'm learning as I go along and that there are too many of these [roots] to find all of them by yourself. But "every journey begins with small steps."
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Note: When I write 'marriage' or 'relationship' here, I'm primarily talking about marriages between christians, then christian engagements, then christian courting; but secondarily, I'm also talking about those relationships between non-christians.
God wants believers to be discerning so they can make wise, good, safe, and right decisions. But people in general can only sense danger when danger is obvious and aren't good at sensing danger when danger isn't obvious. God wants believers to be able to sense both types of danger.
The Bible warns to beware of wolves. (Matt. 7:15, Acts 20:29-31.) Wolves in the wild look dangerous, so if you saw wolves you'd naturally be on guard and would know to protect yourself from them. Foxes, however.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that destroy the vine, for our vines have tender grapes" (Song of Solomon 2:15).
Foxes don't look nearly as threatening as wolves. They're cute; and little; and cute. But they're still wild. They can destroy fragile and vulnerable areas of a relationship (ie. the "tender grapes") as well as eat farm animals and destroy produce. In marriages and relationships, there are both 'wolf dynamics' and 'fox dynamics'. The former are easier to detect; the latter usually fly totally under the radar. I want to talk about the fox dynamics. Unlike the wolf dynamics, not all the fox dynamics are bad; but all of the fox dynamics-- if 'not caught' or not addressed-- will inevitably cause relationship and marriage problems. There are plenty of these 'fox dynamics' that I'm aware of and I'm sure many more I'm not aware of. I'll start with just two. I learn(ed) these dynamics on the fly or spontaneously-- sometimes in the moment while talking to a married or divorced man, woman, or couple-- so I don't have professional terms for many of them.
1.) Career, Work, Job. A man's job can become a fox in his relationship, not for any of the obvious reasons like too long or too short hours, etc., but because working tends to 'unsync' couples. (I am talking about 'work', not necessarily income.) Unity is of course important for any relationship, but there are facets or areas of unity that couples can easily overlook. God created Eve as a helper for Adam and then told them to be fruitful (together) and take dominion over the earth (together). This means that both of them should be working-- not working at the same place or the same time but working so that they are doing the same thing. This syncs the couple together in an area they wouldn't be synced if one was working and the other was not. A lot of my college friends are married. I stayed with one friend for a week. He worked and didn't feel satisfied at his job. His wife didn't work and stayed home with their kids, but he was still resentful of her and preferred interacting with the TV when he got back from work. Of course the answer for this particular area wasn't to hire his wife at his job or to tell her to get a job and make money. The answer (only for this particular facet because there is at least one other facet to this particular issue) was for her to be working like he was working. It didn't need to be his hours or anything specific; it has to do with 'having the same mind' or 'being in unity'. I believe many husbands of stay-at-home wives are secretly resentful that they have to work and their wives don't do any 'work'. God designed for both partners to 'work' (ie. specifically work, not play or leisure, etc.) which also keeps both in sync.
2.) The Masculine Turbine. Back to my friend I stayed a week with. The 'masculine turbine' is that thing that is always 'turning' or 'burning' or 'active' inside a male. Just like from around the age of two years old, girls want a boyfriend (ie. a husband), so from around the same age boys don't want to huggle and cuddle with mom so much anymore as their 'turbine' begins turning; they want to go and adventure and work and play all day long. Some men call it motivation; some women call it ambition; but it's more than those. When David's brothers tried to deter him from upstaging them by displaying courage against Goliath that they didn't have, David responded to them that the reason he had for confronting Goliath was strong enough for him to not mind upstaging his brothers and the entire Israelite military just to see it through. He said to his oldest brother, "[Why are you on my case?] Is there not a cause." (1Samuel 17:20-32.) Cause = reason = purpose. When a man has no purpose or no clear or defined purpose, his inner turbine stops turning or working. He can work 80 hours a week and make $5 million a year, but if his turning isn't turning, his wife will be able to sense it. She might not consciously know she's sensing it but she'll be negatively affected by it. This was the case with the friend I stayed two weeks with. And because he lacked purpose, his wife began looking to someone else who seemed to have a defined purpose. Every man is supposed to have a clear purpose because a wife is joining a man primarily in the fulfilling of that purpose, not just to have fun and have children together. Therefore, naturally, if the primary reason for marriage is missing... I mean, what can one really expect?
It's important for couples, IMO, to find these hidden and sometimes innocuous "little foxes" that fly under the radar but that have the potential to and that do damage and harm relationships. Many relationships end with each partner pointing the finger at the other but with neither partner having any idea of 'underlying issues' or 'fox dynamics' that were the real cause(s) for their marriage problems and breakup/divorce.
God wants believers to be discerning so they can make wise, good, safe, and right decisions. But people in general can only sense danger when danger is obvious and aren't good at sensing danger when danger isn't obvious. God wants believers to be able to sense both types of danger.
The Bible warns to beware of wolves. (Matt. 7:15, Acts 20:29-31.) Wolves in the wild look dangerous, so if you saw wolves you'd naturally be on guard and would know to protect yourself from them. Foxes, however.
"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that destroy the vine, for our vines have tender grapes" (Song of Solomon 2:15).
Foxes don't look nearly as threatening as wolves. They're cute; and little; and cute. But they're still wild. They can destroy fragile and vulnerable areas of a relationship (ie. the "tender grapes") as well as eat farm animals and destroy produce. In marriages and relationships, there are both 'wolf dynamics' and 'fox dynamics'. The former are easier to detect; the latter usually fly totally under the radar. I want to talk about the fox dynamics. Unlike the wolf dynamics, not all the fox dynamics are bad; but all of the fox dynamics-- if 'not caught' or not addressed-- will inevitably cause relationship and marriage problems. There are plenty of these 'fox dynamics' that I'm aware of and I'm sure many more I'm not aware of. I'll start with just two. I learn(ed) these dynamics on the fly or spontaneously-- sometimes in the moment while talking to a married or divorced man, woman, or couple-- so I don't have professional terms for many of them.
1.) Career, Work, Job. A man's job can become a fox in his relationship, not for any of the obvious reasons like too long or too short hours, etc., but because working tends to 'unsync' couples. (I am talking about 'work', not necessarily income.) Unity is of course important for any relationship, but there are facets or areas of unity that couples can easily overlook. God created Eve as a helper for Adam and then told them to be fruitful (together) and take dominion over the earth (together). This means that both of them should be working-- not working at the same place or the same time but working so that they are doing the same thing. This syncs the couple together in an area they wouldn't be synced if one was working and the other was not. A lot of my college friends are married. I stayed with one friend for a week. He worked and didn't feel satisfied at his job. His wife didn't work and stayed home with their kids, but he was still resentful of her and preferred interacting with the TV when he got back from work. Of course the answer for this particular area wasn't to hire his wife at his job or to tell her to get a job and make money. The answer (only for this particular facet because there is at least one other facet to this particular issue) was for her to be working like he was working. It didn't need to be his hours or anything specific; it has to do with 'having the same mind' or 'being in unity'. I believe many husbands of stay-at-home wives are secretly resentful that they have to work and their wives don't do any 'work'. God designed for both partners to 'work' (ie. specifically work, not play or leisure, etc.) which also keeps both in sync.
2.) The Masculine Turbine. Back to my friend I stayed a week with. The 'masculine turbine' is that thing that is always 'turning' or 'burning' or 'active' inside a male. Just like from around the age of two years old, girls want a boyfriend (ie. a husband), so from around the same age boys don't want to huggle and cuddle with mom so much anymore as their 'turbine' begins turning; they want to go and adventure and work and play all day long. Some men call it motivation; some women call it ambition; but it's more than those. When David's brothers tried to deter him from upstaging them by displaying courage against Goliath that they didn't have, David responded to them that the reason he had for confronting Goliath was strong enough for him to not mind upstaging his brothers and the entire Israelite military just to see it through. He said to his oldest brother, "[Why are you on my case?] Is there not a cause." (1Samuel 17:20-32.) Cause = reason = purpose. When a man has no purpose or no clear or defined purpose, his inner turbine stops turning or working. He can work 80 hours a week and make $5 million a year, but if his turning isn't turning, his wife will be able to sense it. She might not consciously know she's sensing it but she'll be negatively affected by it. This was the case with the friend I stayed two weeks with. And because he lacked purpose, his wife began looking to someone else who seemed to have a defined purpose. Every man is supposed to have a clear purpose because a wife is joining a man primarily in the fulfilling of that purpose, not just to have fun and have children together. Therefore, naturally, if the primary reason for marriage is missing... I mean, what can one really expect?
It's important for couples, IMO, to find these hidden and sometimes innocuous "little foxes" that fly under the radar but that have the potential to and that do damage and harm relationships. Many relationships end with each partner pointing the finger at the other but with neither partner having any idea of 'underlying issues' or 'fox dynamics' that were the real cause(s) for their marriage problems and breakup/divorce.
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Being someone who doesn’t have a clearly defined purpose (maybe music is my purpose currently), I see something like that potentially happening in my life. I talk to someone currently but she also gets fulfillment in other areas talking to someone else. I work on my music and she studies the Bible currently but like you were saying, if that other person they are talking to has a more clear purpose, than that girlfriend will most likely jump ship and swim to their boat.
Purpose isn't the only thing here. There's plenty more.
On another note, God gave men more discernment than He did women because He created men to lead, and a leader needs good 'vision' or sight as he is the one in front so he can see where he's going. Since others will depend on him, the leader needs to have better vision and direction than they do. You've heard of 'female intuition'. God gave men greater intuition, at least specifically in the area of women, romantic relationships, and choosing a mate.
I say that to say this: God gave you good discernment to know who to choose (not sure if you want to choose toward marriage right now or just want a woman in your life). Your discernment, like all of us men's, isn't working maximally the way God designed it to.
Discernment is both simple and complex (like everything God made, God Himself being both simple and complex). Two complex things about discernment:
1.) Discernment is directly connected to love. This means the more love you have for someone, the more discerning you will be about them. Eg. the more you love your friends or kids, the more easily you sense how they are doing-- when they're happy about something or when they're struggling with or dealing with something negative. And the less love you have for them, the less you will be able to discern what's going on inside them.
2.) Discernment is directly connected to masculinity. (Of course, this isn't all of discernment but several major forms of discernment.) Example: when a man who dates a stripper, that man doesn't lack discernment as much as he lacks masculinity. The more masculinity a man has, the more discerning (wise) he is about women and the more discerning (wise) he is about what woman he dates or marries. This form of discernment reminds me of the eyes of a eagle, hawk, falcon-- piercing and unapologetic. The natural design of a woman wants a man to see right through her anyway and love her no matter what he sees. (I'm not talking about the female fallen nature that wants to hide unflattering and evil intentions, etc. I'm talking about the female 'God Nature' that is tainted by the fallen nature but that is not the fallen nature.)
The more you grow in masculinity, the more your discernment will grow with it. At the end of the day, God is the one who makes good decisions, so your ability to make good decisions is most measured by your connection (in communication, activity, actions, masculine purpose, etc.) to God Himself. This is what Proverbs means by saying that the man who fears [is connected to] God will avoid, evade, escape women who are bad news for him.
On another note, God gave men more discernment than He did women because He created men to lead, and a leader needs good 'vision' or sight as he is the one in front so he can see where he's going. Since others will depend on him, the leader needs to have better vision and direction than they do. You've heard of 'female intuition'. God gave men greater intuition, at least specifically in the area of women, romantic relationships, and choosing a mate.
I say that to say this: God gave you good discernment to know who to choose (not sure if you want to choose toward marriage right now or just want a woman in your life). Your discernment, like all of us men's, isn't working maximally the way God designed it to.
Discernment is both simple and complex (like everything God made, God Himself being both simple and complex). Two complex things about discernment:
1.) Discernment is directly connected to love. This means the more love you have for someone, the more discerning you will be about them. Eg. the more you love your friends or kids, the more easily you sense how they are doing-- when they're happy about something or when they're struggling with or dealing with something negative. And the less love you have for them, the less you will be able to discern what's going on inside them.
2.) Discernment is directly connected to masculinity. (Of course, this isn't all of discernment but several major forms of discernment.) Example: when a man who dates a stripper, that man doesn't lack discernment as much as he lacks masculinity. The more masculinity a man has, the more discerning (wise) he is about women and the more discerning (wise) he is about what woman he dates or marries. This form of discernment reminds me of the eyes of a eagle, hawk, falcon-- piercing and unapologetic. The natural design of a woman wants a man to see right through her anyway and love her no matter what he sees. (I'm not talking about the female fallen nature that wants to hide unflattering and evil intentions, etc. I'm talking about the female 'God Nature' that is tainted by the fallen nature but that is not the fallen nature.)
The more you grow in masculinity, the more your discernment will grow with it. At the end of the day, God is the one who makes good decisions, so your ability to make good decisions is most measured by your connection (in communication, activity, actions, masculine purpose, etc.) to God Himself. This is what Proverbs means by saying that the man who fears [is connected to] God will avoid, evade, escape women who are bad news for him.
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He gave men more discernment than he gave women?
Uh...
You don't know many women, do you?
Even if your statement was true, as a man you should have had the discernment to not say it in a forum where there are a lot of women. Apparently you got left out of the discernment pool. Assuming your statement was true, stating it in such a manner, in such a venue, would still be kind of rude.
Good thing it's not true. A lot of the girls here on the forum will probably have the discernment to be polite and not take you to task over it. I hope.
Uh...
You don't know many women, do you?
Even if your statement was true, as a man you should have had the discernment to not say it in a forum where there are a lot of women. Apparently you got left out of the discernment pool. Assuming your statement was true, stating it in such a manner, in such a venue, would still be kind of rude.
Good thing it's not true. A lot of the girls here on the forum will probably have the discernment to be polite and not take you to task over it. I hope.
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This makes me think of an interesting conversation I had with a couple of single ladies from this site.
We were talking about the phenomenon of how, as we've seen in our churches, some of the single Christian women who have been faithful to their beliefs all their lives, would make terrific wives and mothers, are still virgins -- but aren't exactly up to what the world sees as a "10" in the looks department -- and so they get passed by. Maybe they're a little heavier or plainer -- but the argument is always made that God made men visual, therefore, men must have a a beautiful wife. To which I say, "If men are visual, does that mean He made women blind?"
So into the church walks the beautiful newcomer, the former fallen stripper/prostitute/drug addict who has just found Jesus and is turning her life around, even though she's still halfway lost in the world of drugs, alcohol, and needing attention from a variety of men, not just one.
But she looks like she belongs on the Top 10 List of the Maxim's World's Most Beautiful Women -- and every guy in the congregation is smitten.
Now, of course, I've seen this happen on the opposite of the fence as well -- good Christian women fighting each other at every turn for what's seen as the most handsome and most eligible bachelor in the church.
And I'm certainly not criticizing people from harsh backgrounds -- I've been friends with many such people, and used to go write and visit people who have been through more than I'm sure most of us could ever imagine.
But what I'm trying to say here is that, YES, discernment CAN be helpful.
And it seems to be dished out in varying degrees to all kinds of different people, whether men or women. Most people I know, including myself, have very good discernment in certain areas -- and virtually none in other parts of life.
But sometimes the most important thing is deciding exactly WHAT'S doing the discerning for you (your spirit, or your hormones,) and if whatever parts of you are pushing that discernment are also trying to justify your reasoning/convince you that it's actually from God.
Sure, it MIGHT be from God.
But I think we've all seen -- and sometimes experienced -- a WHOLE LOT of cases where it wasn't.
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He gave men more discernment than women?.. 🤔
I will offer this, the serpent went to Eve first, not to Adam. If he can get to Eve, he can then get to Adam.
If one country is going to attack another, they take out the other country's first line of defense.
If the serpent can get through the woman first, he can get to the rest of the family.
I will also say here that any church that is making any kind of impact on their local community most likely has a group of women praying behind the scenes. In Acts chapter 16, Paul went where the women prayed. I think Paul understood that as well. Lets not downplay or discredit a woman's role in this.
Another thing I've seen over the years with married couples in ministry, it has always been the wife who knew the will of God for the ministry before the husband did. Is it like that for every couple in ministry?, I don't know the answer to that. But I have observed that in ministries I know of.
As an aside, if a group of men start meeting for prayer, after about the second or third meeting, it will go from prayer to politics, college football, and guns... Its just how we are.
I will offer this, the serpent went to Eve first, not to Adam. If he can get to Eve, he can then get to Adam.
If one country is going to attack another, they take out the other country's first line of defense.
If the serpent can get through the woman first, he can get to the rest of the family.
I will also say here that any church that is making any kind of impact on their local community most likely has a group of women praying behind the scenes. In Acts chapter 16, Paul went where the women prayed. I think Paul understood that as well. Lets not downplay or discredit a woman's role in this.
Another thing I've seen over the years with married couples in ministry, it has always been the wife who knew the will of God for the ministry before the husband did. Is it like that for every couple in ministry?, I don't know the answer to that. But I have observed that in ministries I know of.
As an aside, if a group of men start meeting for prayer, after about the second or third meeting, it will go from prayer to politics, college football, and guns... Its just how we are.
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Amazing post!
I immediately thought of Samson...
Not only did he not use his God-given discernment -- he failed to use it across multiple times and multiple instances.
I mean... Really??? He didn't know Delilah was up to something when she asked about the "secret of his great strength" -- time and time again? To the point where she was crying and insisting he didn't really love her -- right after the Philistines had just broken in and done everything to him that he had JUST told her?!
You would have thought that out of anything, Samson would have at least been able to discern crocodile tears.
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At age 12, Jesus was more intelligent than all His teachers because He was getting His intelligence directly from God while His teachers were getting their understanding only from the Bible (of their time), from podcasts, from YouTube, from church/synagogue, from books, from preachers and speakers, from rabbis, from 'prophetic' conferences, from 'apostolic' seminars, and all the other places people get it. Jesus was getting it from God directly, making Him more intelligent than those who [thought they] were intelligent. This is according to Psalm 119:98-100 and many other Bible passages. It is the way God operates:
God gives Grace (or 'more') to the humble but keeps a good distance between Himself and those who think they are learned or think they already understand things. He gave more to Jacob than Esau, more to Joseph than his brothers, more to Ephraim than his older brother, and this tradition has always been in effect and always will be.
Having information about the Bible and understanding God are different. Having information about the Bible gives you zero insight into God Himself; but understanding God gives you ongoing insight into not only the Bible but into all of life. Your insight will constantly unfold and grow and people might think you must be getting it from the Bible but they, reading the Bible, are unable to get what you're getting. Again, this was why Jesus at the age of 12 was submitting to His adult teachers but still understood God and life more than they did. (Luke 2:41-52.) Knowing/understanding God is the faster/fastest route to understanding the Bible and life in general, but it requires getting to know God Himself intentionally which requires sacrifice. You can't 'osmose' the knowledge or understanding of God by cutting corners, cheating, going to church, staying busy 'ministering', or doing things like playing the Bible or christian podcasts or christian YouTube sermons all day long or in the car or while you sleep.
God gives Grace (or 'more') to the humble but keeps a good distance between Himself and those who think they are learned or think they already understand things. He gave more to Jacob than Esau, more to Joseph than his brothers, more to Ephraim than his older brother, and this tradition has always been in effect and always will be.
Having information about the Bible and understanding God are different. Having information about the Bible gives you zero insight into God Himself; but understanding God gives you ongoing insight into not only the Bible but into all of life. Your insight will constantly unfold and grow and people might think you must be getting it from the Bible but they, reading the Bible, are unable to get what you're getting. Again, this was why Jesus at the age of 12 was submitting to His adult teachers but still understood God and life more than they did. (Luke 2:41-52.) Knowing/understanding God is the faster/fastest route to understanding the Bible and life in general, but it requires getting to know God Himself intentionally which requires sacrifice. You can't 'osmose' the knowledge or understanding of God by cutting corners, cheating, going to church, staying busy 'ministering', or doing things like playing the Bible or christian podcasts or christian YouTube sermons all day long or in the car or while you sleep.
This is a lot more complex and also a lot simpler than it might seem. There is way too much to unpack here. That is why God gave us the Holy Spirit. But I'll list some things and it might give you an idea that there is a whole lot more (mountains of a whole lore more) to romantic relationships and marriage than "We like each other, so let's do it." The complexity might also begin to make sense of all the marriages that end in divorce besides the couples who don't divorce but who might as well be divorced (eg. one or both are cheating on the other, polyamory, dead bedroom, separation, etc.).
1.) Women are more visual than men. People say, "Men are visual." True. I think a better way to say it is "Men are very visual and focus on that aspect when it comes to women." Men are 'visual' when it regards sexuality; I don't think men are 'visual' regarding anything else. On the other hand, women are very visual about everything and make judgments about people and things faster and more often than men. Eve 'ate the fruit' because she was more visual than Adam. (You can read the story again. Adam had seen the fruit many times, but Eve ate it when the serpent got her to look closer at it and so "the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye" --Genesis 3:6). When a man is attracted to a woman, he looks at her only with only his eyeballs (and maybe something else). But when a woman is attracted to a man, she looks at him with her entire self-- her whole body and attention (soul) turn to him and she wants to 'become a part of his world'. If that isn't 'hard looking' I don't know what is. This is related to the statement that 'women love hard'. I've seen women check me out. Women check men out harder than men check women out. The confusion here is largely related to the fact that men are more forward and so more obvious with the lusting and men also find a lot more everyday women attractive whereas women find few everyday men attractive; so it looks like men are more visual than women but that's just not true.
2.) Men usually relate to women from a place of weakness (and inferiority). Those men in your church who overlook the average girls and lust after the 'models' are operating from a place of weakness. When Adam ate the fruit because Eve ate it, he was operating from a place of weakness, of need, of worship. Those men are worshiping or setting themselves beneath the women because deep inside the men feel inferior. It's not easy to explain. People talk about 'the Ahab spirit' (or mindset). There is also 'the Samson spirit' (mindset). Both are similar but distinct. Ahab is more about a man being morally weak (he's lazy when it comes to caring about anyone besides himself and his close circle) while Samson is about a man being sexually weak toward women (he's willing to put his well-being and even life on the line just because a woman is attractive). The men in your church who are lusting after the new girl have the Samson thing (and by intuition, I'm sure they also have Ahab).
3.) Church ain't a good place to look for a godly man (or woman). But it also depends on your definition of a godly man. Many church women 'like' weak men and they call them godly. The men and women in your church (and many churches) are chasing this and that because there's no sanctification going on. Jesus isn't there. If the people in your church aren't being sanctified, you can't reasonably expect the men to be godly the way the Bible defines the term. Church kills testosterone and murders masculinity. If you want a man like that (no backbone, eager to follow, etc.), then keep looking in church. I went to a particular church where I was new. I had four to six different colognes and one of them smelled lovely. (It's called EGM Musk or Egyptian Musk. You can buy and sample the smell.) I was new in church and one of the only single men there, so I was getting a lot of attention from the women. I intuitively knew that this cologne would get me even more attention, so I refused to wear it. I didn't want to cause any stumbling. So, why is it that at a church, christians are just like the world in that they chase whatever looks good (or smells good) just like the world? Because there is no sanctification in those churches. That isn't a place for anyone to look for a mate unless you want someone who is basically just like the world and many times way worse.
And yes, God gave men more discernment. This isn't a competition; it's what God did. Men are rarely in touch with their discernment, so it doesn't look like God gave men more discernment but He did. If a man was to get in touch with his discernment, he would find it easier to discern women than men. Why? Men are naturally less emotional and 'emanate' less of their vibes outward. Women are more emotional and so their vibes tend to constantly come off them. In short, women communicate non-verbally a lot more than men do. I've heard of some girls who asked their boyfriends what they were thinking about and were surprised when he said nothing. A man can 'stop communicating', stop thinking, etc. It's not as easy for a woman to 'rest' or 'be at peace'. This makes them more communicative, and anyone with decent discernment will pick it up. Most men just aren't in touch with their God-given discernment, but the more a man grows in the natural masculinity God designed in him, the more in touch he will come with His discernment. Jesus had to be on earth with none of His God abilities; His ability to discern as a mix of the Holy Spirit giving Him discernment as well as His masculinity which He never denied or lost. The Bibe often says that He discerned or picked up what people were thinking in their hearts. Not their minds but hearts (the place where people's original character, prejudices, and attitudes lie).
You wrote, "Sometimes the most important thing is deciding exactly WHAT'S doing the discerning for you (your spirit, or your hormones,) and if whatever parts of you are pushing that discernment are also trying to justify your reasoning/convince you that it's actually from God." I'm going to write a post shedding some light on this issue.
1.) Women are more visual than men. People say, "Men are visual." True. I think a better way to say it is "Men are very visual and focus on that aspect when it comes to women." Men are 'visual' when it regards sexuality; I don't think men are 'visual' regarding anything else. On the other hand, women are very visual about everything and make judgments about people and things faster and more often than men. Eve 'ate the fruit' because she was more visual than Adam. (You can read the story again. Adam had seen the fruit many times, but Eve ate it when the serpent got her to look closer at it and so "the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye" --Genesis 3:6). When a man is attracted to a woman, he looks at her only with only his eyeballs (and maybe something else). But when a woman is attracted to a man, she looks at him with her entire self-- her whole body and attention (soul) turn to him and she wants to 'become a part of his world'. If that isn't 'hard looking' I don't know what is. This is related to the statement that 'women love hard'. I've seen women check me out. Women check men out harder than men check women out. The confusion here is largely related to the fact that men are more forward and so more obvious with the lusting and men also find a lot more everyday women attractive whereas women find few everyday men attractive; so it looks like men are more visual than women but that's just not true.
2.) Men usually relate to women from a place of weakness (and inferiority). Those men in your church who overlook the average girls and lust after the 'models' are operating from a place of weakness. When Adam ate the fruit because Eve ate it, he was operating from a place of weakness, of need, of worship. Those men are worshiping or setting themselves beneath the women because deep inside the men feel inferior. It's not easy to explain. People talk about 'the Ahab spirit' (or mindset). There is also 'the Samson spirit' (mindset). Both are similar but distinct. Ahab is more about a man being morally weak (he's lazy when it comes to caring about anyone besides himself and his close circle) while Samson is about a man being sexually weak toward women (he's willing to put his well-being and even life on the line just because a woman is attractive). The men in your church who are lusting after the new girl have the Samson thing (and by intuition, I'm sure they also have Ahab).
3.) Church ain't a good place to look for a godly man (or woman). But it also depends on your definition of a godly man. Many church women 'like' weak men and they call them godly. The men and women in your church (and many churches) are chasing this and that because there's no sanctification going on. Jesus isn't there. If the people in your church aren't being sanctified, you can't reasonably expect the men to be godly the way the Bible defines the term. Church kills testosterone and murders masculinity. If you want a man like that (no backbone, eager to follow, etc.), then keep looking in church. I went to a particular church where I was new. I had four to six different colognes and one of them smelled lovely. (It's called EGM Musk or Egyptian Musk. You can buy and sample the smell.) I was new in church and one of the only single men there, so I was getting a lot of attention from the women. I intuitively knew that this cologne would get me even more attention, so I refused to wear it. I didn't want to cause any stumbling. So, why is it that at a church, christians are just like the world in that they chase whatever looks good (or smells good) just like the world? Because there is no sanctification in those churches. That isn't a place for anyone to look for a mate unless you want someone who is basically just like the world and many times way worse.
And yes, God gave men more discernment. This isn't a competition; it's what God did. Men are rarely in touch with their discernment, so it doesn't look like God gave men more discernment but He did. If a man was to get in touch with his discernment, he would find it easier to discern women than men. Why? Men are naturally less emotional and 'emanate' less of their vibes outward. Women are more emotional and so their vibes tend to constantly come off them. In short, women communicate non-verbally a lot more than men do. I've heard of some girls who asked their boyfriends what they were thinking about and were surprised when he said nothing. A man can 'stop communicating', stop thinking, etc. It's not as easy for a woman to 'rest' or 'be at peace'. This makes them more communicative, and anyone with decent discernment will pick it up. Most men just aren't in touch with their God-given discernment, but the more a man grows in the natural masculinity God designed in him, the more in touch he will come with His discernment. Jesus had to be on earth with none of His God abilities; His ability to discern as a mix of the Holy Spirit giving Him discernment as well as His masculinity which He never denied or lost. The Bibe often says that He discerned or picked up what people were thinking in their hearts. Not their minds but hearts (the place where people's original character, prejudices, and attitudes lie).
You wrote, "Sometimes the most important thing is deciding exactly WHAT'S doing the discerning for you (your spirit, or your hormones,) and if whatever parts of you are pushing that discernment are also trying to justify your reasoning/convince you that it's actually from God." I'm going to write a post shedding some light on this issue.
Yes, God gave men more discernment than women. A lot more.
PC culture doesn't change facts. Men have invented 99% of everything ever invented. You can either look at it and think, "Men are smarter than women" or you can look at it and think, "God gave men more tools than women in the area of building and managing." And He did.
Eve wasn't the first line of defense. She was the first sign of weakness. satan wasn't going to approach Adam because he knew Adam might knock him into the underworld. But satan got lucky: he has to tempt, but he couldn't tempt Adam, so he chanced tempting Eve. After Eve ate the fruit, Adam chose to give up his masculinity and to follow the woman instead of following God and the masculinity God put in him. While a man letting a woman lead (ie. 'call the shots') is fine to many people today, it was/is an abomination to God.
God said to Adam, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it' [therefore] 'Cursed is the ground because of you...'" (Gen. 3.)
The way that is phrased you see that Eve was not the main line of defense but Adam. The whole earth was punished because Adam, the leader, chose to let the follower lead. That is an abomination and backwards and God wasn't having it. 1Peter 3:7 says the woman/wife is the weaker vessel; God simply gave her less (in all areas) which is why the man/husband is charged to be patient with and take care of the wife. Taking care of her isn't related to her value; it's related of her actual need.
Your honor of women isn't godly, good, or healthy. It comes from a place much like false humility. Jesus's mom charged rebuked Him from age 12 to age 33, and in each instance He rebuked her back. Don't give honor where honor isn't due. And if you want to talk about spiritual authority, who is praying, where men are at fault, and who is making a difference, I'll be more than happy to set the record straight with you.
PC culture doesn't change facts. Men have invented 99% of everything ever invented. You can either look at it and think, "Men are smarter than women" or you can look at it and think, "God gave men more tools than women in the area of building and managing." And He did.
Eve wasn't the first line of defense. She was the first sign of weakness. satan wasn't going to approach Adam because he knew Adam might knock him into the underworld. But satan got lucky: he has to tempt, but he couldn't tempt Adam, so he chanced tempting Eve. After Eve ate the fruit, Adam chose to give up his masculinity and to follow the woman instead of following God and the masculinity God put in him. While a man letting a woman lead (ie. 'call the shots') is fine to many people today, it was/is an abomination to God.
God said to Adam, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it' [therefore] 'Cursed is the ground because of you...'" (Gen. 3.)
The way that is phrased you see that Eve was not the main line of defense but Adam. The whole earth was punished because Adam, the leader, chose to let the follower lead. That is an abomination and backwards and God wasn't having it. 1Peter 3:7 says the woman/wife is the weaker vessel; God simply gave her less (in all areas) which is why the man/husband is charged to be patient with and take care of the wife. Taking care of her isn't related to her value; it's related of her actual need.
Your honor of women isn't godly, good, or healthy. It comes from a place much like false humility. Jesus's mom charged rebuked Him from age 12 to age 33, and in each instance He rebuked her back. Don't give honor where honor isn't due. And if you want to talk about spiritual authority, who is praying, where men are at fault, and who is making a difference, I'll be more than happy to set the record straight with you.