When It Comes to Friendships and Relationships, Does the Person with the Most Pain and Challenges Always Get the Right of Way?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

Google defines the "Right of Way" as: "The legal right of a pedestrian, vehicle, or ship to proceed with precedence (the right to go first) over others in a particular situation or place."

In the USA, walkers (pedestrians) are often given the right of way (right to go first) in such places as a crosswalk with a "Stop" sign. But if the pedestrian jaywalks (crosses a place in the road with no clear markings to do so,) the vehicles now have the right of way and not the pedestrian.

I've been thinking about this concept as it relates to friendships and relationships.

For example:

* If Beth came from an abusive household and Billy is from a loving Christian family, does Beth have the "right of way" over Billy? Should she expect Bill to be more understanding if she has outbursts of anger and to let it go more often because he had an advantage she doesn't have?

* If Sally is responsible with money, but Sam spends everything he has (and isn't changing,) does Sam have the "right of way" over Sally? Can he expect Sally to pay for things because he says he's "just not good with money"? Should Sally automatically have to be more responsible just because Sam isn't? (I realize this would have to be different if they were married, but let's just say they're only dating.)

* Ronnie is on the spectrum (has autism) and has some things he's very particular about. Does he automatically have the "right of way" over Rachel, who has never been diagnosed as neurodivergent? Should Rachel be expected to go along with whatever special accommodations Ronnie needs?

* And, does it matter if the person has an official diagnosis from a doctor -- or if they've done a diagnosis on themselves?

I've been in all of these situations but the last one was the most recent. I had a longtime online friendship with someone who said right away that they had autism, and so this person would tell me repeatedly that they did not pick up social cues or understand some things about this or that interaction. I tried as hard as I could to be as accommodating as possible, but I eventually felt like I was exhausted from walking on eggshells.

Another online friend, who had known this person several more years than I had, told me, "Oh, didn't you know (that person) diagnosed themself? They've never been to a doctor about it and have never received any kind of official diagnosis -- this person just spent a lot of time studying this and decided it applied to them, and has been telling people that they have autism ever since."

Now, I can certainly understand this. These days, I don't think many people have the money to try to uncover an official diagnosis. I've always wondered if I have this or that myself.

But the part that bothers me is that I'm always assumed to be "normal" or "have all the advantages" -- therefore, the other person in these situations seems to always assume to have the "Right of Way" over me -- and expects me to adjust, work around, and cater to every need they have -- while never asking me about my own.

And I do try to be understanding because of course, in some cases, the other person literally can't help it. But I can only do so much, and the thing is, I've often wondered about what my own diagnosis would be if I went in for "official" testing. I have a family member who is well-acquainted with a particular diagnosis and has said they strongly suspect I have it too, but for me, it's not life-threatening and I seem to manage ok on my own -- so I've just never bothered.

We all know that every friendship or relationship is give and take. And I'm certainly NOT trying to discount anyone who's gone through a lot of things I haven't or struggles with health issues that need special consideration.

But these days, with so many issues, diagnoses, and labels, I find myself struggling with how much of the "right of way" I'm supposed to allow others to have over me, especially when they see themselves as one thing, and me as something that always requires giving more.

I have plenty of my own quirks and "special needs as well", it's just that I often try my best to forgo them in consideration of other people.

Eventually though, my "full" (of it) button goes off to where I can't handle the one-sideness anymore -- and it gets to a point where I would rather choose isolation than accommodation.

And of course -- I'm certainly not perfect in this area -- so God often convicts me of when I have expected too much from others as well.

* How about you?

* When are we allowed to have the "Right of Way" around people who always seem to assume to think it's theirs?

 

[Lynx]

Too complicated for me. I just deal with life the best I can, and decide whether to accommodate other people's problems as I encounter them.

And if you act like you're entitled, that substantially decreases the probability that I will cater to you. Try at least a little bit. We all got our own problems to deal with. You're not the only one.

 

[RodB651]

When are we allowed to have the "Right of Way" around people who always seem to assume to think it's theirs?

If I feel I'm having to walk on eggshells around someone, I generally quit being around that someone. I know people have issues they have to deal with and I'm going to try and be as understanding as possible, but I'm also going to be me.

 

[ForgiveMeGod]

Hey Everyone,

Google defines the "Right of Way" as: "The legal right of a pedestrian, vehicle, or ship to proceed with precedence (the right to go first) over others in a particular situation or place."

In the USA, walkers (pedestrians) are often given the right of way (right to go first) in such places as a crosswalk with a "Stop" sign. But if the pedestrian jaywalks (crosses a place in the road with no clear markings to do so,) the vehicles now have the right of way and not the pedestrian.

I've been thinking about this concept as it relates to friendships and relationships.

For example:

* If Beth came from an abusive household and Billy is from a loving Christian family, does Beth have the "right of way" over Billy? Should she expect Bill to be more understanding if she has outbursts of anger and to let it go more often because he had an advantage she doesn't have?

* If Sally is responsible with money, but Sam spends everything he has (and isn't changing,) does Sam have the "right of way" over Sally? Can he expect Sally to pay for things because he says he's "just not good with money"? Should Sally automatically have to be more responsible just because Sam isn't? (I realize this would have to be different if they were married, but let's just say they're only dating.)

* Ronnie is on the spectrum (has autism) and has some things he's very particular about. Does he automatically have the "right of way" over Rachel, who has never been diagnosed as neurodivergent? Should Rachel be expected to go along with whatever special accommodations Ronnie needs?

* And, does it matter if the person has an official diagnosis from a doctor -- or if they've done a diagnosis on themselves?

I've been in all of these situations but the last one was the most recent. I had a longtime online friendship with someone who said right away that they had autism, and so this person would tell me repeatedly that they did not pick up social cues or understand some things about this or that interaction. I tried as hard as I could to be as accommodating as possible, but I eventually felt like I was exhausted from walking on eggshells.

Another online friend, who had known this person several more years than I had, told me, "Oh, didn't you know (that person) diagnosed themself? They've never been to a doctor about it and have never received any kind of official diagnosis -- this person just spent a lot of time studying this and decided it applied to them, and has been telling people that they have autism ever since."

Now, I can certainly understand this. These days, I don't think many people have the money to try to uncover an official diagnosis. I've always wondered if I have this or that myself.

But the part that bothers me is that I'm always assumed to be "normal" or "have all the advantages" -- therefore, the other person in these situations seems to always assume to have the "Right of Way" over me -- and expects me to adjust, work around, and cater to every need they have -- while never asking me about my own.

And I do try to be understanding because of course, in some cases, the other person literally can't help it. But I can only do so much, and the thing is, I've often wondered about what my own diagnosis would be if I went in for "official" testing. I have a family member who is well-acquainted with a particular diagnosis and has said they strongly suspect I have it too, but for me, it's not life-threatening and I seem to manage ok on my own -- so I've just never bothered.

We all know that every friendship or relationship is give and take. And I'm certainly NOT trying to discount anyone who's gone through a lot of things I haven't or struggles with health issues that need special consideration.

But these days, with so many issues, diagnoses, and labels, I find myself struggling with how much of the "right of way" I'm supposed to allow others to have over me, especially when they see themselves as one thing, and me as something that always requires giving more.

I have plenty of my own quirks and "special needs as well", it's just that I often try my best to forgo them in consideration of other people.

Eventually though, my "full" (of it) button goes off to where I can't handle the one-sideness anymore -- and it gets to a point where I would rather choose isolation than accommodation.

And of course -- I'm certainly not perfect in this area -- so God often convicts me of when I have expected too much from others as well.

* How about you?

* When are we allowed to have the "Right of Way" around people who always seem to assume to think it's theirs?

I think who ever you are referring to that treats you this way has narcissistic tendencies.

i believe that friend of yours and yourself should get an actual diagnosis if that is what you want to identify yourself as.

i’ve discovered, after being diagnosed as schizophrenic for 5 years and then rediagnosed as schizoaffective for 9 years and then rediagnosed as bipolar this year, that most psychiatrists and nurse practitioners barely have any idea what they are doing and how it effects someone’s belief system, when someone in authority like them tells them what they are diagnosed with. Especially when their patients are in a highly vulnerable position.

i think rediscovering your identity in Christ, how you are a child of God first and that those diagnosis’ don’t define you.

but if you really want to know what the world diagnoses you as. I recommend getting diagnosed by a few nurse practitioners, just to see what they say but don’t blindly identify with it, unless you want to use it for your own survival. To me, I ended up using my illness as an excuse for why I couldn’t do things, until I eventually gave up in life all together.

Placing Your identity in Christ is the way to go

There can be a ton of grief when being diagnosed something. Just a fair warning.

 

[seoulsearch]

I recommend getting diagnosed by a few nurse practitioners, just to see what they say but don’t blindly identify with it, unless you want to use it for your own survival. To me, I ended up using my illness as an excuse for why I couldn’t do things, until I eventually gave up in life all together. Placing Your identity in Christ is the way to go. There can be a ton of grief when being diagnosed something. Just a fair warning.

Thank you for your honest posts and for making this excellent point.

I think this is when I became most frustrated (and usually chose to cut ties,) when the person's attitude was, "This is how I am, you need to work around it," vs. "I know I'm struggling with some things but I'm really working hard to work with God to try to do what I can."

And I agree with you that a diagnosis can result in grief.

The answer is almost always medication, and since I've always been able to keep up with life (job and paying the bills on time,) I never saw a need to try to let anyone try to figure out what was "wrong" with me.

I mean, I'm sure there's plenty wrong with me and I'm all for people getting help, but if God is sustaining me the way I am right now, I'm going to continue on that path.

 

[seoulsearch]

Too complicated for me. I just deal with life the best I can, and decide whether to accommodate other people's problems as I encounter them. And if you act like you're entitled, that substantially decreases the probability that I will cater to you. Try at least a little bit. We all got our own problems to deal with. You're not the only one.

If I feel I'm having to walk on eggshells around someone, I generally quit being around that someone. I know people have issues they have to deal with and I'm going to try and be as understanding as possible, but I'm also going to be me.

I think this is also a great example of how God builds us differently.

You guys in particular are great with things like tech, machinery, and immense amounts of logical thinking I'm sure I lack in many areas.

And I'm sure that logical thinking also works in your favor in many areas -- i.e., "This is too complicated and takes too much energy, time to move on," which is a gift from God, because it can protect you from getting too involved.

For the good or the bad, I'm a very relational thinker -- always thinking more in terms of interactions and emotions.

So while the logical part is definitely there somewhere, it's often overridden by a sense of, "But I'm a Christian, I'm supposed to try to help" -- but to the extent where it gets me entangled in a lot of snares.

 

[ForgiveMeGod]

Thank you for your honest posts and for making this excellent point.

I think this is when I became most frustrated (and usually chose to cut ties,) when the person's attitude was, "This is how I am, you need to work around it," vs. "I know I'm struggling with some things but I'm really working hard to work with God to try to do what I can."

And I agree with you that a diagnosis can result in grief.

The answer is almost always medication, and since I've always been able to keep up with life (job and paying the bills on time,) I never saw a need to try to let anyone try to figure out what was "wrong" with me.

I mean, I'm sure there's plenty wrong with me and I'm all for people getting help, but if God is sustaining me the way I am right now, I'm going to continue on that path.

i would say just continue as you are and don’t try to complicate life even more than it already is. My friend Josh was the same way and after 9 years of having him as a best friend, even being best man at his wedding, I had to sever ties, it was the hardest decision of my life so far because of how codependent we were.

I think if you allow someone a foot hold, that they may use it against you in an argument. Such as, you wouldn’t know x because you are y.

There is plenty wrong with all of us but if things are working out, I would continue with that.

You don’t want be like me, where I leave my job for a year to be on disability to figure out what is wrong with me, only to discover that I believed i had something I didn’t actually have.

Demons and Satan are constantly trying to win over our minds, and if we let them, they win. So continue to live your life if it is working out.

 

[seoulsearch]

i would say just continue as you are and don’t try to complicate life even more than it already is. My friend Josh was the same way and after 9 years of having him as a best friend, even being best man at his wedding, I had to sever ties, it was the hardest decision of my life so far because of how codependent we were.

I think if you allow someone a foot hold, that they may use it against you in an argument. Such as, you wouldn’t know x because you are y.

There is plenty wrong with all of us but if things are working out, I would continue with that.

You don’t want be like me, where I leave my job for a year to be on disability to figure out what is wrong with me, only to discover that I believed i had something I didn’t actually have.

Demons and Satan are constantly trying to win over our minds, and if we let them, they win. So continue to live your life if it is working out.

I understand about cutting ties and how hard it is.

My only friendships now are the ones I've grown up with in my hometown, and the friends I've made here. It's both easier and harder at the same time.

The good news is that they're all the kind of people who would literally give you the shirt off their back -- and if that's not enough, they'd get another one from one of their family members, and give that to you as well!

The bad news is that they're all across the country. But I talk with some of them daily via text, and we try to see each other when we can (I try to travel once a year to see some of them, but have to rotate between who I get to see.)

I've read a lot of your posts and think you're very brave for walking away from everything to press forward with what God has for you!!! I pray that He will give you new friendships, employment, and purpose to more than make up for the things you've lost.

Glad to have you here making the journey with us!

 

[ForgiveMeGod]

I understand about cutting ties and how hard it is.

My only friendships now are the ones I've grown up with in my hometown, and the friends I've made here. It's both easier and harder at the same time.

The good news is that they're all the kind of people who would literally give you the shirt off their back -- and if that's not enough, they'd get another one from one of their family members, and give that to you as well!

The bad news is that they're all across the country. But I talk with some of them daily via text, and we try to see each other when we can (I try to travel once a year to see some of them, but have to rotate between who I get to see.)

I've read a lot of your posts and think you're very brave for walking away from everything to press forward with what God has for you!!! I pray that He will give you new friendships, employment, and purpose to more than make up for the things you've lost.

Glad to have you here making the journey with us!

I’ve come from a really dark place. Even as a follower Jesus, the darkness continued because I continued to sin in a certain area that I didn’t turn from up until a few month ago. Then God led me here.

i have had mostly good times on here and some really bad times because of my own wrong doings while I have been here but I am definitely doing my best to make up for hurting someone I care about.

Cutting ties with people cuts deep and i believe it takes both people praying for one another in order for God to bring them back together.

i never really had friends who supported me up until recently. My own family doesn’t support any entrepreneurial venture that I get into but having support I find is way valuable. Also, comforting and showing love to others where I sense I can bring some value into their lives is worth it.

My friends are all you guys. I’ve cut just about everyone out of my life except for family.

i sure hope that I can continue making music. I’d like to be able to create Christian sounding electronic songs. So far, all I seem to create are distant memories from my past. Which makes me think I’m going in the wrong direction.

I’m looking forward to continue making healthy friends like you guys who may know more than me in a bunch of areas, and we can all bring value to one another and the new people who join us!

 

[ForgiveMeGod]

I understand about cutting ties and how hard it is.

My only friendships now are the ones I've grown up with in my hometown, and the friends I've made here. It's both easier and harder at the same time.

The good news is that they're all the kind of people who would literally give you the shirt off their back -- and if that's not enough, they'd get another one from one of their family members, and give that to you as well!

The bad news is that they're all across the country. But I talk with some of them daily via text, and we try to see each other when we can (I try to travel once a year to see some of them, but have to rotate between who I get to see.)

I've read a lot of your posts and think you're very brave for walking away from everything to press forward with what God has for you!!! I pray that He will give you new friendships, employment, and purpose to more than make up for the things you've lost.

Glad to have you here making the journey with us!

I still struggle in a lot of areas though and most of the time, I have no idea how I’m surviving.

i do have a roof over my head, food in the kitchen and clothes. So I got the basics but I do nothing to make my life better, other than creating music and uploading it to all streaming platforms. So I really hope that continues to grow. So far it’s reached radio stations as far as Kazakhsta, all over the world but now I have the pick a new artist name cause the one I was using was taken and i don’t want to go to court with a brother in Christ. Especially cause I find his music to be wayyy more God honoring than mine is.

I pray that you are able to find friends who are closer by, so you don’t feel as isolated. Christian chat sure does help though.

 

[Lynx]

I think this is also a great example of how God builds us differently.

You guys in particular are great with things like tech, machinery, and immense amounts of logical thinking I'm sure I lack in many areas.

And I'm sure that logical thinking also works in your favor in many areas -- i.e., "This is too complicated and takes too much energy, time to move on," which is a gift from God, because it can protect you from getting too involved.

For the good or the bad, I'm a very relational thinker -- always thinking more in terms of interactions and emotions.

So while the logical part is definitely there somewhere, it's often overridden by a sense of, "But I'm a Christian, I'm supposed to try to help" -- but to the extent where it gets me entangled in a lot of snares.

But... But... But everybody knows men have more discernment than women!

 

[daisyseesthesun]

I think these people just want to fit in. They dont feel wanted if they were abused and with autism you have to be frank.

As for the woman Beth she won't be a good Christian and friend until she comes to the stage of acceptance and should be treated gently until that stage. As for autism my brother has this. He is the right of way. I've never owned a phone number for more then one month even my own email address is not my own. Yes it get deleted on sporadicly do I blame him. No. I forgive him 77 x 77. Because he's my brother and I love him. Autism is like that. He only understand what he cares for little empathy is given to others. The biggest barrier with autism is communication they will say something then you will say something back and they will not know what to say.
When your going through shcool your teacher will often tell you that when you read the( DSM) the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders you will notice you will have a couple of them. This I think is insane your will never ever have a nurse or a psychologist that comes out and says I have this mental illnes why because they would become the patient and therefore not reliable to treat anyone.

But what i find is many people are diagnosing themselves with autism spectrum disorder but what they really have is a Personality disorder which is almost impossible to treat. Then there are also people that were raised around people with other mental illnesses and will pickup chareristics from their surroundings.

 

[daisyseesthesun]

If thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.Matthew 18:15-20

 

[Lynx]

This thread reminds me of a co-worker of mine. We'll call him Henry, because that's not his real name.

Henry is moderately autistic, or something. Nobody ever told me an official diagnosis, but it's pretty obvious he's about 1/3 of the way to completely non-functional autistic.

He also has irritable bowel syndrome, so he will suddenly clock out and go to the toilet without any warning. This kind of sucks when business has just started picking up...

But I like Henry. I like him because he tries.

He doesn't make excuses. He doesn't slack off. He clocks out before he disappears to the toilet. And he tries to do the best job he can, in spite of a natural tendency to freak out when confronted with unexpected things. After his freak out is over, he assimilates the new thing and moves on.

I can work with that. If you're honestly trying, I can go out of my way to accommodate an occasional disappearance or spaz episode.

 

[keepingthingsreal]

But the part that bothers me is that I'm always assumed to be "normal" or "have all the advantages" -- therefore, the other person in these situations seems to always assume to have the "Right of Way" over me -- and expects me to adjust, work around, and cater to every need they have -- while never asking me about my own.

Have you been reading my autobiography again?

There is only one person who actually knows me in real life who ever inquires about my well-being. In fact, she called me last night to inquire about the same, and we spoke on the phone for about 3 hours. I mostly ministered to her and to her needs during that conversation, but she is the one person who appreciates how much I have sought to help her over the years, and who genuinely cares about how I am doing while not only praying for me often, but periodically calling or texting me to see how I am doing.

Doing the right thing for others can be a thankless pursuit (only one of the ten lepers Jesus healed returned to thank him), but we ought to do it just the same unless it becomes a situation where we are being spiritually, emotionally, and physically drained by those who really do not seek to be helped. In other words, in my own experiences, I have encountered many people who actually love their problems, while seeking no real solution to them, because their problems give them the right, in their own minds, to not only continually gripe and complain, but to also demand an endless supply of pity from others.

I think this is when I became most frustrated (and usually chose to cut ties,) when the person's attitude was, "This is how I am, you need to work around it," vs. "I know I'm struggling with some things but I'm really working hard to work with God to try to do what I can."

Which is basically what I am trying to say. If somebody truly wants help, then I go beyond the extra mile to help them. If, however, they have no real desire to change, then I eventually move on.

 

[keepingthingsreal]

Placing Your identity in Christ is the way to go.

I could not possibly agree with you more.

We live in a society where more and more people are identifying themselves as being someone or something who/that God never ordained them to be. As Christians, we need to die to ourselves and find new life in Christ. If we take the time to study God's word (forget about the church teaching you the truth) for ourselves, with the help of the Holy Spirit, then we will come to realize that Christ has provided everything for us that we will ever need in this life by way of his crucifixion, burial, resurrection from the dead, ascension to heaven, and glorification at the Father's right hand as one who has been made heir of all things. If Christ's atoning work did not truly provide a remedy for all of life's maladies which entered into this world through the fall of man, then it was a giant flop. I will never embrace that lie; no matter how long either the world or the church loudly proclaim it.

People spend way too much time seeking counsel from sinful men and women, and not nearly enough time seeking counsel directly from the Lord and his word. If I relied on what this world's "experts" have told me in the past, then I would have been dead a long time ago.

Psa 1:1
Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.
Psa 1:2
But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.
Psa 1:3
And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.
Psa 1:4
The ungodly are not so: but are like the chaff which the wind driveth away.
Psa 1:5
Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous.
Psa 1:6
For the LORD knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the ungodly shall perish.