What are your reasons for still being single?
Mine is that I'm waiting for right person, that just clicks rights.
Hi Teodora! Thanks for the great threads.
I'm single because I've been in 4 relationships in my life that got progressively worse, and I'm hoping that I can learn from the past and not repeat the same bad choices I made before, all because I didn't want to be alone.
I know that God can change anyone and anything. But I've also learned not to rely on believing that things WILL change. I didn't realize a lot of red flags were actually kegs of dynamite waiting to explode because I thought, as a Christian, I could just believe and pray my way through. I have learned that sometimes, it's just best to avoid certain things altogether -- even though it comes with the steep price of being alone.
Over years of agony, I found that I couldn't pray it away when someone had an attraction to porn, addictions to substances, etc., no matter how much I begged, cried, or threw myself into the Bible study and church service. All the prayer in the world didn't change my then-husband's mind so that he would let go of his girlfriend and decide to stay to me. Sure, there are some miraculous cases in which people completely turn around, but those seem to be far and few in between.
My last relationship, many years ago, was with a man who was addicted to alcohol, and I became a part-time single parent to his 2 youngest children because of that. I was also paying a lot of his legal bills and daycare bills so that he could keep his kids (the mother passed away long before I met them, and the family was fighting him for custody.) A few months after I finally left that relationship, he lost custody to the mother's family. Up until then, his family was taking care of his kids, or else I would have never felt like I could leave them. By then he had stopped working completely and drank all day. He was relying on me to literally hold everything in his life together -- and it was killing me. I would have liked to have maintained a relationship with the kids, but could not because it was at a point where I contemplated getting a restraining order to keep their father away from me.
I've never had a man provide for me except when I was growing up in my father's household. In every relationship I've been in, I've had to pay some or most of the bills because the guy was hard-working but a spender. I came to see marriage as a situation in which I'd always have to take on 3 jobs to pay for things, but yet he would be the "head" of the household. This kinds of situation took a huge toll on my mental health.
In the time since, I've dated and had opportunities to be in relationships and even marriage, but to be honest, I am trying to avoid more pain. Every situation I've come across seems like it would just be more of the same.
Even though in some cases, the guy was wonderful, but ties to him would come with a whole host of issues (with multiple people, families, and dynamics involved,) and I know I would never have peace.
And this isn't to say I'm somehow better in any way. But my family believes in self-sufficiency so although we have issues like any other family, we've been spared a lot of drama (mooching is not allowed in my family!)
I suppose a critical person would say I'm single because of my own weakness -- the fact that I DON'T want to have to put up with porn or certain addictions or certain levels of constant family friction could be seen as me being unable to accept other people's problems.
However, I've always been friends with people who are going through a lot (aren't we all?) I've just learned that there are major differences between being someone's friend and being someone intricately tied up in their life to where all of their problems become your own.
I do feel a lot of sympathy for those who are in the prime ages of feeling both societal and church pressure to get married. Marriage isn't a bag of chips you can pick out at the store and throw into your cart whenever you want. Time and heartache have taught me that I'd rather stay single than be locked into a bad marriage.
I'm older now, but I stay on this forum praying that I can help provide conversations for those who are lonely, whether married or single, and hope to those who are single, even if they never find marriage or a family.
Back when my husband left I would have never thought I'd survive this long. It literally felt like heartache was going to kill me. And it's taken far longer than I ever could imagine. Back then, he and I used to talk about traveling some day, after we'd saved a lot of money and had more time. I was devasted at the death of that dream, believing now I'd be trapped home by myself forever.
But God kept nudging me to stick to my original plan. I worked hard, saved everything I could -- and over many years, He has provided me with other single friends (many from this site!) to visit and travel with -- and it's been a joy!
I still have bouts of depression and darkness -- as we all struggle with -- but God has helped me through so much, I hope that I can pay it forward and maybe help others going through the same thing.
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