would you doit all again like thomas in the circle or just stay how you are now? or would you change something? and what? was your life worth living, heartbreaks llosses and all? or would you change something? if not what could happen to change your mind?
is there anythi g that could happen that would make your life no longer worth living?
Hi Enril!
The question of what would we change if we could go back seems to be a cultural staple. I guess part of being human is to always long to try to go back and "fix" things -- like resetting a video game but presumably with the knowledge we have now, since hindsight is always 20/20.
If I could go back but wasn't allowed to remember how things had turned out, I'm pretty sure I would make the same old dumb decisions. In fact, I might even make worse decisions the next time -- and I'm sure this must be part of why God doesn't allow resets in this life.
I'm often a big fan of time travel storylines, as much as they can turn your brain into a pretzel, but I'm especially drawn to the ones in which people go back in time to try to make things better. But even though they know how things turn out and try as hard as they might, it usually winds up somehow making things worse. Either their life gets better -- but someone else suffers -- or they wind up suffering more, but perhaps this makes things better for someone else -- even if it's the wrong people (allowing an evil person to do even more evil, etc.) I'm pretty sure if it were actually possible to do this, it would literally drive people insane.
I go through bouts of depression in which I'm very regretful about decisions I made or how I chose to handle various situations. I remember one particular time of wallowing and God clearly told me, "I didn't make you to be miserable. Now GET UP!"
Someone once told me, "It's ok to look back -- just don't stop and keep staring at the past." I know that for me, I sometimes dwell too much on the past and God is always pushing me to move forward instead. I do try to learn from the past and make better decisions in the present. For example, one of my regrets is how I've handled anger but God has told me, "Sometimes, I use your anger to protect you, and to keep you away from people who would be harmful to you."
This was not an excuse. This was God telling me, "If you find yourself getting angry like that again, pay attention to why and who's making you feel that way. It could be a clue that you should have never started talking to that person to begin with." In other words, He tells me to take responsibility and make better choices.
Just a few days ago I said something that I immediately knew was a remnant of my old self, and is causing me to re-evaluate.
As for what makes life seem to not be worth living... A lot of things. When God chooses to call a young person home whose family depends on them and not an older person who has lived a fulfilling life but now suffers with daily, crippling pain, I never understand God's reasoning. I don't want to outlive my mobility or able to take care of myself in this life, but I know that's not my decision to make.
My whole life, people have told me how wonderful and perfect it will be when we get to be with Jesus. Therefore, my whole life, I've always felt it would be ideal to get home to Jesus as soon as possible.
When my Grandma died, my Grandpa tearfully said, "With her gone, there's no reason for me to live, either." They had literally never been apart, as they'd grown up in the same one-room school in their small, farming town. But live on he did, and for many more years after her.
I think about this often when I sometimes encounter people who pity me and speak down to me because I'm single and they are married. A part of my heart feels sorry for them, because in a way, I already went through a sorrow that will most likely come to at least one of every married couple. When my husband left, I told God there was no reason for me to go on, especially since he already had someone else he was going on with. But God had other plans for me, even though I still feel often feel there was no further reason for me to go on.
I told my Grandpa that at least he knew my Grandma died loving him. I kept it to myself that it's very much a living form of death to know that the one you love isn't there -- because they choose to love someone else. But if I marry again and find myself a widow, I've already learned how to be single. I feel a lot of sorrow for the marrieds who are left behind and will have to learn that lesson as well, as I am seeing that happen to more and more of them, whether through divorce or death.
I don't know what God has planned for me. I do know that it's my job to trust, and obey.
But I also know that just waking up in the morning can feel like a burden so heavy that it's suffocating, and I guess part of why I'm still here is to try to help other people who are feeling the same way.
God bless you,
@enril, and may He ever comfort you in your struggles. 🙏❤️✝️
Keep talking to us!
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