What I'm about to share is going to be a huge bummer, so if you don't want to feel dragged down, feel free to ignore. It won't hurt my feelings. And please keep in mind, that despite everything going on, my mental health is improving, I'm working on improving myself, rebuilding my faith, and keeping a positive attitude through everything.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be one half of a happy, healthy, long term marriage with kids. I got married when I was young, had kids, and by 2012, found myself in a situation with a very toxic marriage and unfaithful wife. It ended in divorce which was something I never wanted or imagined would happen. Fast forward to about 2016 I met a woman who I was convinced was my person. I moved two hours away from my kids, really believing this would be my dream marriage. The first few years were amazing. 2020, covid hit, and some very ugly cracks started showing. I was still seeing my kids regularly, but my relationship with them started fracturing with them due to my wife at the time. My wife went from being caring and loving to being hostile, angry, and resentful towards me. Even in the good years, the marriage wasn't perfect, but we worked through them. All of the sudden she decided the imperfections weren't worth working through and just held onto anger towards me. I sacrificed time with my kids to give her what she wanted, and through that she made herself more distant while my oldest son decided he was done with me, and my daughter was on the way out the door. Last Christmas, she told me she had enough, she said she could tell I was trying but it wasn't good enough and I was ruining her mental health. She kicked me and my youngest son out of the house while he was staying with us.
Through those last several years, my mental health declined significantly, and I was barely able to cope from day to day. And now, I find myself in a situation I REALLY thought I'd never see myself in which is a second divorce, and a child who wants nothing to do with me. Over the last several months I've just found myself really angry at the whole situation and with God. Through that situation, and expressing my feelings towards God, I kind of came to realize that maybe it wasn't actually God I was angry at, but a God I had made up in my own head through years of terrible church teachings and weak theology. Pinpointing that I decided to search for a new church, but so many in my area push this teaching that following God will make everything in life work for our own comfort and provide the things we want. I finally found a new church, keeping the focus on the glory of God, and not our will, but His, only to find out they had been caught embezzling and misappropriating funds.
So here's where I find myself. Second divorce, lots of judgement from local churches. A son who wants nothing to do with me. And surrounded by churches with bad theology and/or glaring sinful behaviors. I know no church is perfect, but I with my history in church and bad teachings, I know the things that will trigger me into thinking God exists for my own good, which is not the point of Christianity. It has completely shaken my faith to the core in a way I never expected. I still consider myself a Christian, because I trust the bible, and I know God exists, but it's almost like I toe the line of being agnostic too.
So. Long post. Apologies, a lot to get off of my chest. Keep me in prayer if you feel so inclined. As I mentioned, I'm working on rebuilding my mental health, rebuilding my faith, and rebuilding the relationship with my son. It is a downer, I know, but I am trying to keep myself positive, and I'm just looking at moving forward at this point.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be one half of a happy, healthy, long term marriage with kids. I got married when I was young, had kids, and by 2012, found myself in a situation with a very toxic marriage and unfaithful wife. It ended in divorce which was something I never wanted or imagined would happen. Fast forward to about 2016 I met a woman who I was convinced was my person. I moved two hours away from my kids, really believing this would be my dream marriage. The first few years were amazing. 2020, covid hit, and some very ugly cracks started showing. I was still seeing my kids regularly, but my relationship with them started fracturing with them due to my wife at the time. My wife went from being caring and loving to being hostile, angry, and resentful towards me. Even in the good years, the marriage wasn't perfect, but we worked through them. All of the sudden she decided the imperfections weren't worth working through and just held onto anger towards me. I sacrificed time with my kids to give her what she wanted, and through that she made herself more distant while my oldest son decided he was done with me, and my daughter was on the way out the door. Last Christmas, she told me she had enough, she said she could tell I was trying but it wasn't good enough and I was ruining her mental health. She kicked me and my youngest son out of the house while he was staying with us.
Through those last several years, my mental health declined significantly, and I was barely able to cope from day to day. And now, I find myself in a situation I REALLY thought I'd never see myself in which is a second divorce, and a child who wants nothing to do with me. Over the last several months I've just found myself really angry at the whole situation and with God. Through that situation, and expressing my feelings towards God, I kind of came to realize that maybe it wasn't actually God I was angry at, but a God I had made up in my own head through years of terrible church teachings and weak theology. Pinpointing that I decided to search for a new church, but so many in my area push this teaching that following God will make everything in life work for our own comfort and provide the things we want. I finally found a new church, keeping the focus on the glory of God, and not our will, but His, only to find out they had been caught embezzling and misappropriating funds.
So here's where I find myself. Second divorce, lots of judgement from local churches. A son who wants nothing to do with me. And surrounded by churches with bad theology and/or glaring sinful behaviors. I know no church is perfect, but I with my history in church and bad teachings, I know the things that will trigger me into thinking God exists for my own good, which is not the point of Christianity. It has completely shaken my faith to the core in a way I never expected. I still consider myself a Christian, because I trust the bible, and I know God exists, but it's almost like I toe the line of being agnostic too.
So. Long post. Apologies, a lot to get off of my chest. Keep me in prayer if you feel so inclined. As I mentioned, I'm working on rebuilding my mental health, rebuilding my faith, and rebuilding the relationship with my son. It is a downer, I know, but I am trying to keep myself positive, and I'm just looking at moving forward at this point.
she is a Christian, or at least says she is. When she decided she wanted a divorce she straight up told me that she only talked to people who weren’t Christian’s about it, because she thought they understood more, and she refused to pray about it because she knew that wouldn’t be Gods answer and she wasn’t okay with that.
