Reality: I have walked in all those shoes.
Philippians 4 verse 4 ~ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Psalm 28 verse 7a The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
Contentment in singlehood
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Philippians 4 verse 4 ~ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Psalm 28 verse 7a The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
This question did get me thinking a bit in a productive way about how this relates to myself. I was in a place after the collapse of my marriage where finding someone else was a top priority for me. I was fairly young when I got married (23) and did truly expect to have my wife at my side until either one of us died. My situation ended terribly (lots of arguments and eventually she began cheating on me) which naturally did cause me to experience a lot of grief. I spent several years of my life after the marriage ended attempting to find someone else to be with with no success which also left me feeling perpetually unsatisfied. Eventually I realized I would be much happier in general focusing on the things in my life I could accomplish on my own rather than devote the majority of my thoughts and energy towards beginning a relationship. Also given the circumstances of how my marriage ended I came to feel that it is far much better being single than to be bound to someone that is causing me hurt and stress on a regular basis. All that being said though I do not like to give the impression I hang onto any kind of bitterness about my marriage because I do not, but I am also very open about talking about my life experiences and that is just the circumstances of how my marriage ended.
I will say though while I am content being single in the sense that I do not date just to have someone there to keep me from feeling lonely it is not something I personally would prefer to last the rest of my life. I know it can sound like a cliche but I do trust that God will be the one to decide whether or not I end up meeting someone I can develop a relationship and if it does not happen it will not negate any of the blessings I do have currently in my life. Since I became a Christian and know well enough to trust God and what He is doing with my life more than what I might want or desire, contentment has been easier with my current situation. One passage of Scripture I like to remember when the pangs of loneliness so strike me is "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." It is impossible to argue with the value of the true gift of grace we have been given which is infinitely more of a blessing than finding a partner for a relationship or anything else in this world.
2 Corinthians 12 v 9-10 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me. That is why, for the sake of Christ, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong
Oh dear, did you feel at the time (aged 23) that marriage is what God intended for you, or the one you married was actually intended for you? Were you a Christian back then, it seems not.
Say if you were, do you think it would have worked out with your (ex)wife? Was she a Christian? Is being a Christian a requisite for marriage do you think and do you feel that it's a requirement for Christians to all be married, with or without children?
Some Christians I know..talk to one on here...are married and still feel pain. Which they manage through painkillers or smoking..and also past hurts before they were married or previous relationships will come up from time to time.
So maybe its just contentment with your relationship to God. God doesn't love you any less if you are married or single. It doesn't affect your standing with Him.
So maybe its just contentment with your relationship to God. God doesn't love you any less if you are married or single. It doesn't affect your standing with Him.
I first got married at 23 years old too. Horrible marriage. My fault for not choosing wisely. Very much a self-inflicted wound. Your story sounds a lot like my story.
The answer is no to your question. Can't remember why I even got married in the first place but surmise that a lot of it probably had to do with sex. Raging hormones. I was an idiot back then. Hopefully, I have acquired a certain measure of God given wisdom through the years and have applied it to my life.
Was it one of those shotgun weddings?
They have them in the US?
I can't imagine being married when threatened by a shot gun.
No, was not a shotgun wedding but that is an amusing thought. It was a terrible lack of judgement on my part.
I was not a Christian when I was 23. I became a Christian fairly recently, studying the Bible and attending church in 2024 and being baptized last December. My ex is Roman Catholic and while I was not a believer during the time we were together her faith was something I did not discourage at all. I did always envision myself being married and having a family from a young age which is why I was not hesitant to make that commitment when I was younger, though of course as I was not a believer at that time I would not have considered it a calling from God when I was married. I did feel like my ex was "the one" for me though which was why I did marry her. Despite how things ended we did have a good foundation for a relationship when we got together and were able to enjoy each other's company even in the simple moments of life.
I have considered your questions as to whether I think being a Christian would have affected the outcome of that relationship in the past and I honestly cannot say for sure. I do feel I might have been able to handle certain situations that happened before things broke down completely with more maturity and grace and would like to think that being able to have worship as a part of our relationship may have grounded her in some ways also but it is just speculation. Looking back though I am thankful for much of that experience as it did build character qualities in myself regarding expectations in life and I do feel like I matured a lot over time since then. I think we have all seen people who cultivate more immaturity as they age so at least I can say the opposite.
I think it is reasonable to understand that God did have a certain design for marriage when He created us and while of course it would be best if those who get married are believers and make an attempt to know what God wants for us I do not see anything in Scripture that directly points to being a Christian as a strict requirement for marriage. I also do not see anything in Scripture where as Christians we are required to be married or have children. Paul of course has commentary on this in some of his letters, even saying it is better to not be married if you have not made that commitment already so you can devote your life to the Lord. He also states though that there is nothing wrong with seeking marriage if that is something you feel a strong pull towards (I believe he says "if you lack self control"
). You are of course completely correct that being married has no bearing on God's love for us and we are to be content in our lives regardless of whether we have a spouse or not. I have been able to gain a lot of peace about my life since becoming a Christian just by realizing God is not a story character, He is real and the words He gave us in Scripture are true. I have reminded myself and told Him many times that I trust God to take care of my life rather than trying to take care of life without making Him a part of it and that is good enough for me without any sense of self-denial about my desire to eventually have a relationship someday if it happens. If it does not happen, those feelings will not exist within me after this life so it is not something I try to dwell on too much anymore while I am here.
Well, I don't really agree with either of those "sides." I don't mean to put any "side" down here, I just think some of these interpretations don't quite smell right. And it's good that you can be single and happy. But not everyone's like that, so they're taught interpretations like the two that you mentioned. I don't think they're that helpful, though.
Like you said, you're single and happy. Personally, I would never tell you that you have to be married. I wish I was in your place, but I'm not, and I don't see that changing. Maybe it will, I don't know. And if I ever do marry, I don't see why that would make me better than you. Like you said, it doesn't.
Yes, finding a wife is good thing. But I don't believe that single people are "selfish or lazy." People are single for all kinds of reasons. And, like Jesus says in Matthew 19, some people are not single by choice. It's just how life turned out in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn't always go our way.
"The other side will preach about how Paul mentions single people have more time to devote to God, and they call married people selfish and not nearly as spiritual." I don't think that's what Paul meant.
A lot of the time, people say that being single is good because you can devote yourself more fully to God. And when you're dating or married, you, apparently, can't do that. A lot of this comes from 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says here that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do "more ministry" as a single.
I don't think that's what Paul says here. I mean, if that's the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you aren’t distracted by the desire for marriage, then maybe you have the gift of singleness.
And, of course, in English, "distracting" has a negative connotation, so we often bring that into play when reaching this passage. But it seems more like Paul might have merely been making the elementary observation that marriage, or the search for marriage, can place more demands on your time and attention than the life of someone who is genuinely content with being single (like Paul was) But, of course, Paul said that not everyone is like him (a single man content with being single).
are you guys/gals ok
I mean searching, looking for THE ONE is a job in itself and it can be futile and take a looong time, and it's sort of a distraction. When you can just be getting on with life as a single.
It's kind of like if you are job hunting. If you already have a job, thats good, don't look for another one. If you don't, its ok too, you just carry on learning or training or volunteering and be happy with what you doing. Yes unemployment can be dispiriting, but in some ways it frees you up as you are not bound to workplace politics etc.
You just need to be happy doing whatever you doing. Even if you have a job, you might not like it. You have to learn to be content with what you have.
As far as earning money is concerned, there are other ways to have income or you just reduce your expenses and save. I think if you just after the money its not a good reason to do a job, or the ONLY reason.
If you really are in dire straits you can get help. Don't resort to crime or gambling or whatever to get income.
It's kind of like that.
I mean searching, looking for THE ONE is a job in itself and it can be futile and take a looong time, and it's sort of a distraction. When you can just be getting on with life as a single.
It's kind of like if you are job hunting. If you already have a job, thats good, don't look for another one. If you don't, its ok too, you just carry on learning or training or volunteering and be happy with what you doing. Yes unemployment can be dispiriting, but in some ways it frees you up as you are not bound to workplace politics etc.
You just need to be happy doing whatever you doing. Even if you have a job, you might not like it. You have to learn to be content with what you have.
As far as earning money is concerned, there are other ways to have income or you just reduce your expenses and save. I think if you just after the money its not a good reason to do a job, or the ONLY reason.
If you really are in dire straits you can get help. Don't resort to crime or gambling or whatever to get income.
It's kind of like that.
Getting a job is a worthwhile pursuit. We all need to work in order to survive. We also have to work if we want to achieve life goals, because life goals cost money. So when it comes to our career path, we put in effort to get an education, to look for work, to show up every day, to improve our abilities, and to get promotions. Or look for better-paying jobs. Those things are all fine. How else is it supposed to work?
And sure, unemployment might free you up, but unemployment doesn't pay the bills, now, does it?
Again, I don't believe the Bible tells us to to be "content with our singleness." It says that if we're not content with being single, then it's OK to pursue marriage. Paul said that if you're single and not content….then it's OK to get married. Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single, but he also says that not everyone is like that. And Jesus said that not everyone can accept lifelong celibacy.
Besides, in Philippians 4, Paul talks about being content in all things. Not with all things. I think there's a difference. What if you're currently homeless, or in debt, or in poverty, or being abused? Should we be "content" with those situations? Or do things to escape them?
If we were all able to make ourselves genuinely "content" with our singleness, well, then, nobody would bother dating or getting married, now, would they? And what about the young Christian couple that dates in high school, dates throughout college, then gets married at 21,and enjoys a long, loving and healthy marriage afterwards? When did they have to "learn contentment" in their singleness before God could bless them with a spouse? We can definitely over-spiritualize this stuff sometimes.
A lot of the time people try to sum up 1 Corinthians 7 with something like "Paul said singleness is better!" Then they might add some sort of line about how "amazing" or "radical" or "counter-cultural" this is. But Paul's writing on this issue is pretty nuanced. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says he has no "commandment from God" about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. He says that he, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it's good to stay single, but that it's better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul "supposes" that it's better to stay single because of "the present distress," some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you're not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
mm some people don't even have the luxury of being able to pay bills.
I recall Paul was imprisoned, shipwrecked and stoned. He was on a mission. That was what he was called to do. He had no time to worry about pleasing his wife if he had one.
Living a life of faith is actually quite different from living a life of paying bills and owning a house and having a family. You will be concerned about the world. It's not wrong to do that but it may not really be what God has in mind for you.
I recall Paul was imprisoned, shipwrecked and stoned. He was on a mission. That was what he was called to do. He had no time to worry about pleasing his wife if he had one.
Living a life of faith is actually quite different from living a life of paying bills and owning a house and having a family. You will be concerned about the world. It's not wrong to do that but it may not really be what God has in mind for you.
It wasn't learning to be content in singleness, its actually learning to be content whether you are rich or poor. Hungry in need or rich with plenty.
You will go through hardship and good times no matter what your circumstances, married or single. Paul iterates' I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me'
You will go through hardship and good times no matter what your circumstances, married or single. Paul iterates' I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me'
Think of Job, he lost his wealth, health and his family.
It was all given by God, and he was righteous, but it was all taken away. Satan had a wager.. that Job only loved God because of all his blessings that God could give.
Basically he accused Job of being a mercenary and that Job didn't love God for who He was. So God allowed Satan to test Job, to see if that was true. Recall Jobs wife said to him 'curse God and die!' She apparently thought God was like an ATM.
Well actually .......
It was all given by God, and he was righteous, but it was all taken away. Satan had a wager.. that Job only loved God because of all his blessings that God could give.
Basically he accused Job of being a mercenary and that Job didn't love God for who He was. So God allowed Satan to test Job, to see if that was true. Recall Jobs wife said to him 'curse God and die!' She apparently thought God was like an ATM.
Well actually .......