Hi
@ciicii,
Your post is something I have felt for many years myself, so please know that you are definitely not alone.
I apologize that I have not been able to keep up with all your posts, though I've read many of them, and know you're going through a very, very rough time. I am so sorry!!! Big hugs to you! I understand about being forced through a divorce you never wanted to happen.
I'm sorry if I missed it, but I don't know what your age range is, and you certainly don't have to tell us, but my divorce happened 27 years ago, so I've been navigating this single life for over a quarter of a century.
This doesn't make me any kind of expert, of course, but it does make me someone with a lot of scars and now, a lot of experience, all with the receipts to back it up. I completely understand how you feel in some senses. I grew up as a fish out of water, one of only 2 Asians in a Lutheran school that was all white, except for one other mixed student.
When I met my ex-husband, he was part Asian and had been through all the same things as I had that were unique to our situation, except that unlike me, he took it in stride. He told me, "Baby, we don't let others tell us where we fit in. We make our own place." For the first time ever, with him, I felt like I belonged.
When he left for his redheaded girlfriend, I was devastated beyond words. I had taken on an entire identity that centered around him, our marriage, and being his wife (and investing my heart into the future family I thought we would have.) I have never had my "own" biological relatives (since I was adopted,) and my dream of having a genetic family (something "forever") walked right out the door with him.
My heart still folds when I think about how I felt as all that was happening, and my heart truly goes out to you. It was the first time I was truly alone (living alone,) and it was soul-crushing.
I wish I could tell you something magical that would make it all fly by to where you are in a better emotional place. I remember one day I was wallowing in sorrow, and God said to me, "I didn't create you to be miserable -- now get up!"
I couldn't understand how God could call me to get up day after day when I felt I had lost everything.
And I can't lie to you -- it's been a very LONG 25+ years. But I can tell you how much God has shown me over that time. I have seen how life has played out for the married friends I envied. These are all friends who have been married anywhere from 20 - 60+ years, so these are no rookies. Some I knew before they got married, so I've seen how things have played out in their lifetimes.
I understand thinking we have nothing, and certainly not anything lasting ("forever",) without a family of our own. But my good Christian friends have found out that even with marriage and families, nothing is forever in this life. One friend has an adult child who has refused to speak to her for years. Another had an adult child who died suddenly with no warning. Others had adult children who made poor choices, and have yet to turn around -- and their parents agonize over them every day. And yet another had to go through that part of marriage that gets said but never really talked about, "'Til death do us part," as death parted her from her husband.
We all know that nothing is guaranteed, but we all think it's a long time away, or that it won't happen to us. Seeing it happen to my friends, with no warning or shelter from the blast, has been absolutely heartbreaking. Most of my friends are in permanent caretaking positions, looking after parents, in-laws, or others in their family suffering from anything from cancer to dementia to amputations and much, much, more. Although they have solid Christian marriages, that does not exempt them from the arguments, heartache, mayhem, and feelings of estrangement from their spouses as they try to navigate how to handle everything that's being thrown at them.
I know you know all the things they tell us single people -- that we are never alone because we always have God, that we have more time to serve, get closer to the Lord, etc. And I did all of that for many years, in all kinds of areas, until I was thoroughly burned out. It's a way to get through life one day at a time, yes, but not the best on one's mental and emotional health. I told God, I'm done serving hollow causes catering to entitled people who take everything and given nothing -- I just can't do it anymore.
I'm in what I consider my "pre-retirement" years, and I told God that if it was ok, I was going to concentrate my efforts on serving those who are already serving others -- meaning, the people I know, because they are the type of people who are barely staying afloat (emotionally) but have never hesitated to help others along the way, no matter how much they were struggling.
So instead of having "a family of my own," God has made me into a surrogate backup for my friends and their families, and I'm finding a new sense of fulfillment in that. Because God is showing me that even the most Christian of marriages and families, as much as we might long for them in our own life, many still need a lot of help.
Now I have to be honest with you -- the things I have seen within these situations -- there have been many times when I've prayed, "God, thank you for sparing me from THAT." NOT because I'm somehow better than anyone, but because I know I would have flipped my lid if I were dealing with what some of these people who have what I thought I should have are having to face.
And I realize that you are a completely different person and, from what you've told us, could probably weather these things like a champ! And God has unique callings for each of us.
All I can suggest is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep reaching, keep sharing, keep asking God what to do next, even when it's day by day. I know back when I was in my worst moments, I might have someone inviting me to this or that -- and it was God sending out a life raft after me, but in my hurt, I let it pass by (refused to go.)
I am going to pray that God will send little life rafts out to you as well. It might be the friend who listens, the invitation you might not have expected, the opportunity to participate in a class or activity or service that might not sound all that great, but maybe it's God's reminder that He is concerned about you.
May God bless you, dear
@ciicii, and please, keep posting.
Let us know how you're doing and how we can continue to pray for you -- and may God reach out to heal and mend your tender, broken heart.
