"I can fix him/her" *sigh*

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I had a guy date me and try and "fix" me. It worked. So i think its not always a lost cause this idea.

 

[alienx7587]

Depends on what "fix" entails. Some things might be repairable. For example, certain bad manners are certainly correctable over time. It's the deeply ingrained and seemingly innate issues that are the problem. Personality issues, such as anger issues, are the things that are terribly difficult to change.

 

[Jullianna]

I can understand helping someone in a relationship. I definitely don't think it would be a lost cause. I've learned a LOT from guys I've dated too.
My question is really more can a healthy long term relationship come from it?

 

[Relena7]

I had a guy date me and try and "fix" me. It worked. So i think its not always a lost cause this idea.

Sometimes a new person can help bring out the best in us that we didn't know we had. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Relena7]

^THIS... requires proof!

I dunno...The majority of the movie titles sound boring, and most of the pic previews of lifetime shows I found in search results (almost none of which I recognized) made me wanna cringe cause of how fake the people seemed. What more do you need?

 

[Catlynn]

I always thought of those people; the ones who constantly ask for advice and never do anything about it, like someone who watches a workout video and then feels like they've exercised. My mom has been "addicted to advice" for as long as I can remember. She keeps asking...and it seems like its almost a fix of sorts. Like talking about it is the first step so she feels like she's going somewhere but she just keeps repeating the first step.

I've only ever been in one relationship and there wasn't any "fixing" involved. It's one of the things my dad taught me. Never get into a relationship with the mindset that you can fix the person. Thanks dad! Lol

 

[Jullianna]

From what I've seen people who enter into these sorts of relationships don't experience a great deal of personal growth themselves....not only are they really not changing the person they are trying to fix, but they aren't changing and growing either. They simply circle the same ole mountain over..and over..and over. It's insanity.

When I went to bed last night I began to realize how wasting too much of my thought life on personal issues for the past week or so was bogging me down in other ways. It can turn your life into something akin to a Lifetime movie if you allow it. That's far too much drama for me...ugh.....

I want to thank those of you who've let me know how helpful this thread has been to you. You have my heart.

 

[Jullianna]

I always thought of those people; the ones who constantly ask for advice and never do anything about it, like someone who watches a workout video and then feels like they've exercised. My mom has been "addicted to advice" for as long as I can remember. She keeps asking...and it seems like its almost a fix of sorts. Like talking about it is the first step so she feels like she's going somewhere but she just keeps repeating the first step.

I've only ever been in one relationship and there wasn't any "fixing" involved. It's one of the things my dad taught me. Never get into a relationship with the mindset that you can fix the person. Thanks dad! Lol

EXACTLY, Catlynn!

Dads are amazing, huh?

 

[Jullianna]

What Liamson said about beautiful faults made me think of this lyric: “Beautiful the mess we are, honest cries of breaking hearts…are better than a hallelujah”.

If you haven't heard "Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant, you really should.

[I apologize to niceguy sincerely for having an afterthought and creating yet another post hahaha]

 

[zeroturbulence]

Here are some really beautiful faults...

the San Andreas..

This one is in Grand Canyon..

This is called the Gravity Fault in Texas..

Have a nice day.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Hahahaha Gabe! That was awesome

 

[Oncefallen]

Thanks, Ugly. I agree. They aren't looking for advice, especially an opposing point of view. I think they just want a sounding board for the most part. The relative I'm talking about has been doing this since high school. He asks for advice, does what he wants, then comes back to whine on my shoulder until I find myself avoiding his calls. I've talked him into counseling a time or two. It helps for a time, but the cycle always begins again. He'll even go back to church..until things improve..

I sometimes wonder if this happens because people have self-esteem issues and it feeds their ego if they can find someone more "broken" than themselves. Does that make sense?

I actually agree with Liamson about people having beautiful faults. "Perfect" people can be kinda boring and annoying. One of the guys I have loved most on this planet is a cigar-smoker (I loathe cigars; took a few puffs as a kid and got sick as a dog) who watches the dumbest cartoons ever and laughs hysterically, has HORRIBLE taste in music, THINKS he's a great dancer and has a very odd shaped head.

I agree wholeheartedly Jullianna, people who habitually get into relationships with broken people tend to have self-esteem issues themselves. In my younger years my mother used to tell me I had Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome because I was always dating severly troubled ladies (trying to rescue the damsel in distress). My journey had me in counseling for the better part of my thirties getting my head straightened out and I came to the conclusion that my dating habits had been because I didn't feel that an emotionally stable woman would date me.

I likewise agree with Liamson though about beautiful faults. We all are works in progress and that work will not be completed this side of the grave. I do believe there is a big difference between "beautiful faults" and severly broken people. Severly broken people need to heal outside of a relationship before they will be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

[See_KING_Truth]

Here are some really beautiful faults...

the San Andreas..

This one is in Grand Canyon..

This is called the Gravity Fault in Texas..

Have a nice day.

I am gonna have to put these on my list of places to visit.

 

[Jullianna]

I agree wholeheartedly Jullianna, people who habitually get into relationships with broken people tend to have self-esteem issues themselves. In my younger years my mother used to tell me I had Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome because I was always dating severly troubled ladies (trying to rescue the damsel in distress). My journey had me in counseling for the better part of my thirties getting my head straightened out and I came to the conclusion that my dating habits had been because I didn't feel that an emotionally stable woman would date me.

I likewise agree with Liamson though about beautiful faults. We all are works in progress and that work will not be completed this side of the grave. I do believe there is a big difference between "beautiful faults" and severly broken people. Severly broken people need to heal outside of a relationship before they will be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

Amen..............

 

[Liamson]

Some people try so hard to be perfect and on time, and have everything down to the last detail. They build a facade of togetherness and try to race around and keep it together. That IS their life. They can't savor the flavor of life, because maintaining their paper-mache illusion requires so much from them. Its as if they are stuck on stage in a performance where the part is to be Normal and Christian.

My World is run by ^THESE^ people. So I don't show to church every Sunday, I sleep in sometimes, I go to a different church or I'm just gone for the weekend. These people will ask if I'm depressed or if something is terribly wrong with me. Because to them NOT racing to the obligations of everything that playing the part means to them is devastating to the fabric of the whole enchilada.

By any measure of attendance or being able to hold a smile through church, these people are faultless. They are at every choir event, Christmas play and Easter Passion Play. I tried dating one once and "fixing" her. That was a mistake. In order for someone to change they have to see what they are doing.

Terrifyingly Beautiful faults are things which shock me into realizing whats really important in life. Like the people who see through the pomp and circumstance of the world we live in to get to the heart of what its about. Someone who understands that falling asleep beside a campfire on the beach under the stars is something to experience, even if it does break a couple of laws. For some people life is an opportunity to do something to see something or to feel something greater. It is picking up a couple of hitch hikers and buying them lunch or grabbing your best friend and playing Ferris Bueller for a day.

So yes, a couple of speeding tickets, some scars, a less than perfect credit score, diarrhea that lasted at least 3 weeks, all faults but, faults that speak more to being whole than not. It kind of makes me wonder who is more severely broken.

 

[Jullianna]

I understand the “perfect church people” thing. I have been surrounded by them my entire life and not just at church. Some are family members and best friends (but I love them anyway). I even used them as an excuse to stay away from God in younger days.

When my husband died after an extended illness the bottom completely dropped out of my world. I then watched cancer eat two immediate family members alive a couple of years apart, staying up with them night after night while I worked a fulltime job. I was in a tailspin with a teenage son depending on me. I then fell deeply in love with someone and he with me. But I was broken inside and you can’t put that on someone else. I wasn’t ready. And I may never be ready to marry a guy I love that much who has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world because I don’t want to be a widow again anytime soon. THERE, I said it….

I have also wrestled with having been in repeated life-threatening/altering situations, from having those who stood beside me die in my arms, from having seen the guilty walk away repeatedly without a scratch, from seeing innocents and children suffer atrocities at the hands of others and struggle with the desire to avenge them, and having had to take a life to save other lives. So I do know what it’s like to be broken and NOT ready for a relationship.

When major changes are occurring in our lives, we have to allow ourselves TIME to let it all process. Let things shake down and see what we have when the dust clears, and we’d BETTER hope we learn the first time out. And those who claim to love them need to give them that time.

For those of us who have children, we also have to consider the effects our decisions and behaviors may have on them. It’s one thing to hurt ourselves or allow ourselves to make mistakes and suffer for them, it’s quite another to throw caution to the wind without taking our responsibilities toward them seriously. They are entrusted to us by God and we’re accountable to Him in this regard.

We all have our scars. We’ve probably all stepped over the line a time or two. Sometimes for good reason. Sometimes just to see if we could. But there comes a time to own it and allow God to help us turn it around, and accept His healing so that we STOP doing the same stupid things over and over that hurt ourselves and others, which is exactly the intent behind the commandments Christ personally gave us. Where do you think the compassion that some of us have for others comes from? It comes from having BEEN there.. It’s what makes us believe so strongly in giving others a second chance. And it’s ALSO what makes me want to shake the snot out of the whiners who don’t want to change their lifesucking ways.

In my mind, severely broken people are not those who have made a few mistakes or suffered some harsh blows along the way, but those who have wrecklessly left a bloody trail of injured hearts in their wake, and continue to do so selfishly because it works for them and feeds their egos. They say they want to be helped, but they don’t. They want us to excuse and enable their behavior. All in their quest for “love”..*puke* Yes, the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to grow the * insert your favorite expletive here * up too.

 

[Ritter]

People have said it throughout history and they will keep saying it. One of those things in which there is so much collected wisdom against it that you wonder why people try.

Then again if someone didn't try 50 some years ago, I would never have been born.

I think that people today get feel so lonely that they will try to make anything work, or they simply settle and hope that the rough edges can be ironed out. Faults are important, but they have to mesh.

 

[Liamson]

It’s one thing to hurt ourselves or allow ourselves to make mistakes and suffer for them (mistakes), it’s quite another to throw caution to the wind without taking our responsibilities toward them (mistakes) seriously.

We all have our scars. We’ve probably all stepped over the line a time or two. Sometimes for good reason. Sometimes just to see if we could. But there comes a time to own it and allow God to help us turn it around, and accept His healing so that we STOP doing the same stupid things over and over that hurt ourselves and others, which is exactly the intent behind the commandments Christ personally gave us. Where do you think the compassion that some of us have for others comes from? It comes from having BEEN there.. It’s what makes us believe so strongly in giving others a second chance. And it’s ALSO what makes me want to shake the snot out of the whiners who don’t want to change their lifesucking ways.

In my mind, severely broken people are not those who have made a few mistakes or suffered some harsh blows along the way, but those who have wrecklessly left a bloody trail of injured hearts in their wake, and continue to do so selfishly because it works for them and feeds their egos. They say they want to be helped, but they don’t. They want us to excuse and enable their behavior. All in their quest for “love”..*puke* Yes, the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes you have to grow the * insert your favorite expletive here * up too.

I'm not sure what you mean by this Jullianna. If a person's quest is love, they how can they hurt someone else? Love does not fight or seek for itself, it simply is. You spoke of not throwing caution to wind and being responsible for children but, what if there is a sort of recklessly responsibility that abandons everything for the sake of children or a wife.

The whole reason I could not get married while I was in the military is because it meant that something was going to come before my family. It would be irresponsible of me to be gone for half the year all for the sake of bringing home the bacon.

If I treasure my wife and my children, their needs are my own and my very well being and happiness is tied to that. Irresponsibility for the sake of itself, has nothing to do with love but is entirely selfish.

I think that people today get feel so lonely that they will try to make anything work, or they simply settle and hope that the rough edges can be ironed out. Faults are important, but they have to mesh.

I agree completely. Meshing is absolutely important. Some people will do anything to please other people in the hope that someone will mesh with them. I think people need to find out for themselves who fits because the heart is suppose to be an exclusive club, trying to fit just anyone inside will only lead to getting seriously hurt.

 

[Jullianna]

I think you missed the part where I put love in quotes. You are right. It is NOT love. It’s not love at all. It’s selfish wanderlust. It’s constantly looking for greener grass. It’s pursuit of the next new thing.

As for what I mean about throwing caution to the wind and damaging our children, let me give you some real life examples:

A. A man is married 5 times, so many times that I can’t even remember the names of all of his wives. He totally abandoned his son, leaving his first wife to raise him alone (Yeah. He paid child support. BIG DEAL.) He adopts wife #3’s two children and divorces her 6 months later for yet another wife (Pays support on those too. * sigh * ). Natural son ends up in a gang in Chicago and in jail. Dad (who has trafficked in and been addicted to pretty much every drug known to man) doesn’t understand how something like this could happen. When the boy gets out of jail, the boy marries, has a baby with wife #1 and starts his own little bride collection just like dad’s…because he’s hot and he CAN. Now DAD is a grandpa who never gets to see his granddaughter..and wonders why.

B. The relative I started this thread about was abandoned by his mom at the age of 8. He has extreme insecurity issues. He becomes involved repeatedly with domineering women and he knows it. He wanted a son so much that he forced his first wife into having a child before she was mature enough to handle it. They are now divorced and the precious son he wanted so very much gets to see his dad whenever dad gets a minute, because dad, who never got over mom, is too busy trying to please wife #2 who has 2 kids of her own who come first.

 

[Jullianna]

P.S. - When I talked about the broken hearts left in their wake, I didn't just mean the two people actually involved in the relationship. I also mean the children and extended family members who suffer repeatedly at their hands.