Trying to figure out what's going wrong - Dating

[GuyforChrist85]

Hi all!

I'm very thankful to have found these forums, so I could ask fellow believers this question and hopefully figure out what is going on! I'm not comfortable talking about this with friends/family and all the dating sites will usually start talking about sex, which is NOT what I'm after.

This is an area I have a really hard time hearing God, and to be honest, I'm a bit bitter right now. I don't want to be, but it's almost like groudhogs day in this area of my life. I also wish I could just totally concentrate on serving in my Church and advancing my career, but it always loops right back to this! =/
I have such a strong desire to have a family of my own, that it seems no matter how much I get involved in my Church\Career\Family\Etc, I still have this kind of sadness.

So I've always been I guess what you could call decent with women. I think I'm ok looking, but no Brad Pitt that's for sure. I'm 32 and I've been out with quite a few women and had a few relationships but my problem, especially recently, has been the first dates.

Lately, I've gone out with 6 different women. Some of these women I met in person, some online. These are all Christian women as well.

With the exception of a few bad ones where there was NO chemistry at all, these dates all had the same progression. I'd pick her up and go to dinner, have a really good time. She'll be laughing pretty much the whole time and really opening up to me. The dates will usually run over cause we're having a great time, and they'll almost always end up holding hands then a kiss at the end. They also almost always end with her disappearing right afterwards. I figured maybe I was being too forward physically, so the latest one I did not hold her hand or kiss her... same result! lol

There was one that got to me so much more than the others. It was just the connection I felt, by the way she acted she felt it too. We just acted like 2 little kids together, it was great. The night ended with a bit too long of a kiss.. (SHE drew it out). She just became really busy starting a few days after and disappeared. Even though I met her online and she's frequented her profile since then.. duh lol.

I can't think of what's going wrong here! The only thing I can think of is they are just not attracted to me. I'm not coming across as needy or anything. I'm very confident and sure of myself (or I WAS!)lol. I'm not like calling them the next day either, I'll wait and ask for a second date 3-4 days later. Any other guys have this issue or any ladies have any input?

Basically, I guess what I'm asking for is prayer that the Lord will show me what I'm doing wrong and if it's a looks issue, that God will guide me to one that will accept me for me. I hate saying it might be looks issue, cause that's something I can't fix..but it's really the only thing I think it could be. Heck, I actually looked at a plastic surgery site the other day, not really seriously though. What have I been reduced to?! lol! My self-esteem has really taken a crash because of this!

Thanks everyone so much!

 

[niceguyJ]

I'm no dating expert and actually my views are different from yours based on what you've said. I'm more of a friends first person and definitely more conservative on what is acceptable and not. That said, one thing you mentioned did stand out to me.

I'm not like calling them the next day either, I'll wait and ask for a second date 3-4 days later.

Who made up this silly "rule" anyways??
If I felt like I truly connected with someone, I'd get in touch with them the next day and at least thank them for their time and let her know how much I enjoyed it. What does a girl think if you wait a few days?? I know every girl is different. Perhaps some will think you weren't so serious though and you're doing the same thing with other girls at the same time. Just a thought.

I am very curious to see what the ladies here have to say on that one. So that's another reason I'm pointing that out specifically.

 

[Oncefallen]

Hi all!
I can't think of what's going wrong here! The only thing I can think of is they are just not attracted to me. I'm not coming across as needy or anything. I'm very confident and sure of myself (or I WAS!)lol. I'm not like calling them the next day either, I'll wait and ask for a second date 3-4 days later. Any other guys have this issue or any ladies have any input?

My opinion on this is it doesn't come across as needy to call the next day and tell a woman how much you enjoyed the date and telling her you would like to take her out again in the future. I think many ladies might be thinking you really didn't enjoy yourself that much if you waited three or four days to call. As for myself, I might not try to set a firm date for the next date in a call the day after, but if I enjoyed myself that much I sure would bring the subject up.

**waits for the ladies to chime in

 

[GuyforChrist85]

Thanks fellas. On the subject of calling them 3-4 days later: I do let them know when the date ends that I enjoyed myself, I leave it at that though. I think I wait that time to make sure I don't come across as needy as well.

I've learned to never set up a 2nd date at that time cause you'll always get a "yes" even if they don't mean it. It's just too awkward for them to say no, even if they just got done kissing me which is REALLY weird.. Sometimes I've even gotten the next day "I had fun" text from a girl and she still turned down a 2nd date lol.

Then again I'm not saying I'm right on any of this, just stating what I do... lol

 

[mystdancer50]

My thought is that you're so focused on finding the one that you're ending up with everyone but the one. Let go and let God.

It can be hard but honestly just turn to God and let Him teach you what it means to be passionately patient while waiting for His guidance. It is worth it to wait, even through the lonely times. Currently, you are basically just returning to the same place and setting yourself up to feel that rejection that you have been encountering. Press through and give God full control of all of your life. Trust in His timing for your wife arriving. She will be a princess worth waiting for. Trust me.

 

[Nautilus]

yeah just stop trying and wait for God to oops drop her in your lap, thats either the best...or the worst advice i have ever heard. I mean I don't know where that idea came from but i have never heard that i disagreed with more. I mean is someone really suposed to spend their days just waiting. No, go out meet people, date them, God will show you the right one, but i doubt He will live them gift-wrapped on your front porch one morning.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hi all!

I'm very thankful to have found these forums, so I could ask fellow believers this question and hopefully figure out what is going on! I'm not comfortable talking about this with friends/family and all the dating sites will usually start talking about sex, which is NOT what I'm after.

This is an area I have a really hard time hearing God, and to be honest, I'm a bit bitter right now. I don't want to be, but it's almost like groudhogs day in this area of my life. I also wish I could just totally concentrate on serving in my Church and advancing my career, but it always loops right back to this! =/
I have such a strong desire to have a family of my own, that it seems no matter how much I get involved in my Church\Career\Family\Etc, I still have this kind of sadness.

So I've always been I guess what you could call decent with women. I think I'm ok looking, but no Brad Pitt that's for sure. I'm 32 and I've been out with quite a few women and had a few relationships but my problem, especially recently, has been the first dates.

Lately, I've gone out with 6 different women. Some of these women I met in person, some online. These are all Christian women as well.

With the exception of a few bad ones where there was NO chemistry at all, these dates all had the same progression. I'd pick her up and go to dinner, have a really good time. She'll be laughing pretty much the whole time and really opening up to me. The dates will usually run over cause we're having a great time, and they'll almost always end up holding hands then a kiss at the end. They also almost always end with her disappearing right afterwards. I figured maybe I was being too forward physically, so the latest one I did not hold her hand or kiss her... same result! lol

There was one that got to me so much more than the others. It was just the connection I felt, by the way she acted she felt it too. We just acted like 2 little kids together, it was great. The night ended with a bit too long of a kiss.. (SHE drew it out). She just became really busy starting a few days after and disappeared. Even though I met her online and she's frequented her profile since then.. duh lol.

I can't think of what's going wrong here! The only thing I can think of is they are just not attracted to me. I'm not coming across as needy or anything. I'm very confident and sure of myself (or I WAS!)lol. I'm not like calling them the next day either, I'll wait and ask for a second date 3-4 days later. Any other guys have this issue or any ladies have any input?

Basically, I guess what I'm asking for is prayer that the Lord will show me what I'm doing wrong and if it's a looks issue, that God will guide me to one that will accept me for me. I hate saying it might be looks issue, cause that's something I can't fix..but it's really the only thing I think it could be. Heck, I actually looked at a plastic surgery site the other day, not really seriously though. What have I been reduced to?! lol! My self-esteem has really taken a crash because of this!

Thanks everyone so much!

Maybe they think you're getting too attached too soon. I mean maybe they get this vibe that you're head over heels in love with them by the time the date is over. That can certainly make a woman lose interest real fast.

 

[PopClick]

I'm no dating expert and actually my views are different from yours based on what you've said. I'm more of a friends first person and definitely more conservative on what is acceptable and not. That said, one thing you mentioned did stand out to me.


Who made up this silly "rule" anyways??
If I felt like I truly connected with someone, I'd get in touch with them the next day and at least thank them for their time and let her know how much I enjoyed it. What does a girl think if you wait a few days?? I know every girl is different. Perhaps some will think you weren't so serious though and you're doing the same thing with other girls at the same time. Just a thought.

I am very curious to see what the ladies here have to say on that one. So that's another reason I'm pointing that out specifically.

My opinion on this is it doesn't come across as needy to call the next day and tell a woman how much you enjoyed the date and telling her you would like to take her out again in the future. I think many ladies might be thinking you really didn't enjoy yourself that much if you waited three or four days to call. As for myself, I might not try to set a firm date for the next date in a call the day after, but if I enjoyed myself that much I sure would bring the subject up.

**waits for the ladies to chime in

I personally had the same reaction when I read the OP. There might be something else going on, but that's the only thing that jumped out at me, from the info presented.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

These are just my inital thoughts after reading what you've said.

If i went on a date with a guy and had a lot of fun, then he waited 3 or 4 days to call me, i'd say no to. By day 2 of not being called i would automatically think he wasn't interested and move right along. I understand you don't want to come across as needy or clingy, but you can still do that without waiting 3, 4 days to call. When that one woman text you and said she had a good time, did you text her back? Or did you wait the 3 days then text her?
If you did... that is your answer right there as to why that one didn't go back out with you. With Texing, you know the person is getting the message and there just choosing not to answer you if they don't respond.

Holding hands and kissing on the first date. Not a good idea. I would turn down being asked out again if a guy tried to kiss me or hold my hand on the first date. Holding hands may not seem like a big deal, but this is the first date... you hardly even know the person and they wanna kiss you and hold your hand??? I don't think so. I'd not go out with that guy again, that is way to foward. Sometimes we do things in the moment that we may regret the next day. So these ladies might have done that with you that night, but then thought about it the next day and got a little whatever about it.

I personally don't think this has anything to do with your looks, you said you met some of these women online. They obviously saw your picture before hand and agreed to go out with you. Then some you met in person and they agreed to go out with you... if i didn't like the way a guy looked, and he asked me out. I'd say no, as im sure would most women.

 

[dliz]

Hi all!

I'm very thankful to have found these forums, so I could ask fellow believers this question and hopefully figure out what is going on! I'm not comfortable talking about this with friends/family and all the dating sites will usually start talking about sex, which is NOT what I'm after.

This is an area I have a really hard time hearing God, and to be honest, I'm a bit bitter right now. I don't want to be, but it's almost like groudhogs day in this area of my life. I also wish I could just totally concentrate on serving in my Church and advancing my career, but it always loops right back to this! =/
I have such a strong desire to have a family of my own, that it seems no matter how much I get involved in my Church\Career\Family\Etc, I still have this kind of sadness.

So I've always been I guess what you could call decent with women. I think I'm ok looking, but no Brad Pitt that's for sure. I'm 32 and I've been out with quite a few women and had a few relationships but my problem, especially recently, has been the first dates.

Lately, I've gone out with 6 different women. Some of these women I met in person, some online. These are all Christian women as well.

With the exception of a few bad ones where there was NO chemistry at all, these dates all had the same progression. I'd pick her up and go to dinner, have a really good time. She'll be laughing pretty much the whole time and really opening up to me. The dates will usually run over cause we're having a great time, and they'll almost always end up holding hands then a kiss at the end. They also almost always end with her disappearing right afterwards. I figured maybe I was being too forward physically, so the latest one I did not hold her hand or kiss her... same result! lol

There was one that got to me so much more than the others. It was just the connection I felt, by the way she acted she felt it too. We just acted like 2 little kids together, it was great. The night ended with a bit too long of a kiss.. (SHE drew it out). She just became really busy starting a few days after and disappeared. Even though I met her online and she's frequented her profile since then.. duh lol.

I can't think of what's going wrong here! The only thing I can think of is they are just not attracted to me. I'm not coming across as needy or anything. I'm very confident and sure of myself (or I WAS!)lol. I'm not like calling them the next day either, I'll wait and ask for a second date 3-4 days later. Any other guys have this issue or any ladies have any input?

Basically, I guess what I'm asking for is prayer that the Lord will show me what I'm doing wrong and if it's a looks issue, that God will guide me to one that will accept me for me. I hate saying it might be looks issue, cause that's something I can't fix..but it's really the only thing I think it could be. Heck, I actually looked at a plastic surgery site the other day, not really seriously though. What have I been reduced to?! lol! My self-esteem has really taken a crash because of this!

Thanks everyone so much!

Uhmm... have you ever prayed to God what you want for a future wife? Instead of looking for soon to be wife on online. Why don't you try looking one at church or attend bible studies or fellowships. There are a lot christian women candidates over there. Pray to God and let him write your own write love story instead making it your own way. Hand Him over the pen and let Him start writing your love story.

 

[Stuey]

Love what you've sad Nod.

Stuff the 3 day rule nonsense.

 

[mystdancer50]

yeah just stop trying and wait for God to oops drop her in your lap, thats either the best...or the worst advice i have ever heard. I mean I don't know where that idea came from but i have never heard that i disagreed with more. I mean is someone really suposed to spend their days just waiting. No, go out meet people, date them, God will show you the right one, but i doubt He will live them gift-wrapped on your front porch one morning.

Buy enough lottery tickets and eventually you'll win...at least $5. Try on enough shoes and eventually you'll find the perfect pair...that will wear out so you have to buy another. The concept of consistently dating to find the one is how the world lives. Christ-followers are called to be set apart. Waiting on God isn't a gamble if you are truly His. Listen for His voice and obey. It isn't an oops thing, it's a trust thing and you either have it and are living it out or not.

Basically, the date until you find her isn't working, is it? The OP is only ending up rejected, frustrated, and depressed. Try it God's way. The Bible never tells us to date and date and date until the one we want magically appears in the dating pool among the other fishes.

 

[songofsongs]

Reading all of the comments ... and there are some very good points! I totally agree with not daiting a whole lot of women until you find the right one because either way someone will end up getting hurt or feel rejected (Dating is the world's way of finding the one not the Lord's way). I don't know if you are into book reading but there are a couple of great books by Joshua Harris. "I kissed dating goodbye" and "Boy meets girl - Say hello to courtship". Wouldn't hurt to look into them ... I also agree with not kissing on the first date too. It can come off too forward but at the same time you don't know anything about these women pasts before they accepted Christ so it can easily put you or both of you in a position for temptation (regardless of their or your past as well). Another thing that came to my mind is there isn't a lot being taught in our Churches about being single and courtship ... alot about marriage and how to stay married and have a godly relationship but very little about teaching us that are single ... especially men how to seek after a wife (or women, how to wait for her husband). The Word says "A man that FINDETH a wife has found a good thing" Hint: Women love to be pursued, it's our nature that's why the Lord (Male) is always pursuing us (The Church which is always referred to as a woman in the Scriptures). Our Awesome Lord designed it that way. Ask the Lord to teach you how to seek after a wife, because the goal in mind is marriage not dating. Before I came to Christ I had a list of horrible relationships (for lack of better words, LOL) and when I accepted Christ I was very independant in my thinking as far as how a marriage should go. Slowly, the Lord began to change my mind and has taught me how to be a wife and is still preparing me for my husband when he comes. Sorry for the long reply, just had a lot on my mind while reading everyone's post! LOL! God Bless you!

 

[GuyforChrist85]

Thanks all!

Last night when I wrote this I was in a REALLY bad mood. lol. I know it's something I'm doing because I've never had a problem getting dates at all. Heck, when I tried the online thing I had a TON of ladies contact me, I only messaged one because the others I liked had contacted me.

In answer the question if I text back, yes I do. The one girl that I was really into sent the "I had fun tonight!" text to me afterwards and I replied back "me too!". She slowly disappeared after, when she was pursuing me pretty hard beforehand. I mean it was night and day difference in her behavior. I did sabotage that to the point she completely left though with something I said. I still kinda wanna contact her, but it's been a month and I just don't know... =/

I totally get what many people are saying about being too physical and waiting to call. I guess I have too many of the "rules" implanted in my head. Until about 3 years ago, I was not living as a Christian, so I was not dating Christian women. I did not think it would really be any different on this side in that area, just minus sexual relations. I'm the type of guy that when I see a girl I want I go after her, I show her and that usually ends up being physically show her (in a clean way).

Hmm, this gives me a lot to think about. I was just so curious why this became so hard after I became a Christian.. lol.

 

[Snackersmom]

^^^^Hehe, it doesn't surprise me that the world's way of doing things stopped working when you started trying to follow God

Believe me, The Lord is an awesome matchmaker, because He knows both you and your intended wife (assuming you have one) better than you two even know yourselves. Basically, you're trying too hard. Put it in God's hands, He knows what He's doing

I've never been engaged, but I do have several friends that I KNOW The Lord hand-picked for me, and one of them I never would have guessed that the two of us would have even gotten along, much less that we would become such good friends......but God knew, He knows everything!

Prayerfully turn your search for a wife over to Him, and get out of His way! Casting all your care upon Him, for He careth for thee....

 

[GuyforChrist85]

Ah, it won't let me edit my previous post.

One more thought about waiting for God on this. I truly believe that God does provide for us every need. I also believe that we must meet God half-way as well. When we look at this paticular subject - "He who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing" - tells me I should be looking and not just waiting around.

I believe that God expects us to be strong and to be smart in the way in which we do things. To get out there and with His strength, make things happen.

Kinda like an analogy I heard one time about a farmer that wanted some corn. He prayed "God, maybe you want me to have corn and maybe you don't.." "I don't know what to do!". God could use the wind and blow some corn seeds over from somewhere and the farmer would miraculously have corn or the farmer could sow the seeds and reap the harvest. *This was a really good sermon by Leon Fontaine, really funny too but that does not come across in the text!

So in a nutshell, I do believe that God will provide for ALL of us in this area, but he does not (or extremely rarely) just giftwrap things for us without any effort on our behalf. He'll give us strength to get though trials. Moses had to lead the people out of Egypt through many hardships, God did not just *POOF* you're in the promised land. Just my opinion on that part!

 

[Snackersmom]

^^^To a point, I agree with you, but it definitely sounds to me like you're trying too hard. In my case, as far as finding a husband goes.....I'm not really searching, but I AM keeping my eyes open.

 

[Jullianna]

I don't think it's your looks. I agree with Nod on that. If it was your looks, they wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place.

The 3 day rule is dumb. Don't do that. If you feel like calling, CALL, but only once, not several times.

After reading all of your post, I don't know that you are doing anything wrong, except for the call thing (which wouldn't make all that much difference if she was really into you). I'm thinking you probably just haven't met the right lady yet. It's frustrating, but don't give up.

 

[SocialArtist]

Try breaking from non-traditional dating every now and then.. find some events or activities to do.. **edited**, even a group event.. or tour together. You don't got to do this for every first date.. but maybe select one of your next first dates.. and use one as a test dummy date for something non-traditional.

Also, don't always blame yourself.. "What did I do wrong?" Some of these girls may just be looking to date around and kiss the guy at the end of the date. Stick to your goals.

 

[SocialArtist]

Also, for the record.. forget the 3-4 day rule.. it doesn't matter. If the chemistry and date was good.. it doesn't matter. Forget that rule. Sending a text referencing something from the night before or some inside joke you have is good. I'll call no later than 30-48 hours afterwards.. and have a catch up call.. and gage her future interest. Again if she's interested.. she's interested.. so rules don't apply. Following the rules doesn't make the date special.. it makes it cliche. The longer you wait to follow up.. the more she drifts back into her normal life. You can't let that happen. Cook while the pot is hot