Should an engaged man have a secret password on his text phone (from his fiancee)?

[Perseus]

Why don't you give the man his privacy? Female obsession like this is what drives men away.

If he has stopped loving you or is being unfaithful, you should be able to tell from how you two interact. The fact that you can't even tell from talking to him and spending time with him tells more about your relationship than anything else.

I've never understood the female obsession to get all up in their significant other's business. Men need to have their personal space that can be just for them. For some reason, girls think that because you're engaged or going out, that it entitles them to know every little detail about your life. It's such a bizarre and disrespectful invasion of privacy that turns men off.

You either trust him or you don't. Creeping into his every little action will do nothing but make him weirded out and make him trust you less. But by all means, dig into his phone while he's in the shower and rifle through his pockets while he's sleeping. Sounds like you're real secure in this relationship.

I suppose the bigger question is, how do you even know what he's doing in the bathroom?

 

[Suzi44]

thanks again to all!

@dashadow - yes you are right. the "two become one" is not technically applicable during engagement. does that make okay for him to hide things during our engagement? is it therefore NOT a red flag for me to consider?
and, i've heard: what you see is what you get. n'est pas?

 

[Suzi44]

@ perseus, thanks.
i appreciate your pov. but all around us we see lying, cheating and divorce. i have been thru it before and it hurts.
no, i don't rifle through his things. his behavior was a red flag to me, so, right or wrong, i decided to see if there was evidence that could refute or back up my concern. as a result, i saw that my fiance has something to hide. you said, a woman should know if a man is faithful by his behavior. right: from his behavior, i discerned the possibilty that he is not entirely on board with all levels of faithfulness.

 

[zaoman32]

Why don't you give the man his privacy? Female obsession like this is what drives men away.

If he has stopped loving you or is being unfaithful, you should be able to tell from how you two interact. The fact that you can't even tell from talking to him and spending time with him tells more about your relationship than anything else.

I've never understood the female obsession to get all up in their significant other's business. Men need to have their personal space that can be just for them. For some reason, girls think that because you're engaged or going out, that it entitles them to know every little detail about your life. It's such a bizarre and disrespectful invasion of privacy that turns men off.

You either trust him or you don't. Creeping into his every little action will do nothing but make him weirded out and make him trust you less. But by all means, dig into his phone while he's in the shower and rifle through his pockets while he's sleeping. Sounds like you're real secure in this relationship.

I suppose the bigger question is, how do you even know what he's doing in the bathroom?

seeing as how I've been in this situation, I can say with certainty she has every right to be concerned. Right to privacy only goes so far, even when you're just planning on becoming one flesh.

 

[seoulsearch]

This is just my opinion but if someone who is engaged is having conversations, etc., that they don't want you to know about and "wants their privacy"...

"Privacy" indicates, "alone time you don't know about and I am free to do whatever I wish during that time." If two are becoming one, whether you see yourself as married or not, if you don't spend time during the engagement learning what it means to be open about everything, when will it happen? This is a path towards heartache, to say the least... I can't tell you how many people I know or have known whose relationships fell apart because of this kind of behavior.

I'm not saying this is absolute but EVERYONE I've known whose significant other has engaged in secret calls and texting was found to be cheating in some way.

This is just me, but if I find myself in that situation again, I hope this time I'm strong enough to say, "Sure, you can have your privacy, because I am leaving the relationship. Then you can have all the privacy you want."

At my old church, a married couple in their 60's who had been married something like 40 years told us how important it was to be open with the other person, and that they never speak to a member of the opposite sex unless both of them are present. Now I know everyone with opposite sex friends will probably balk at this, but the thing is, not too many people have been married for 40+ years so when someone with that kind of track record speaks about what's made them successful, I feel I owe it to them to pay some attention.

And, it makes me think about the true sacrifices and changes all of us must make if we are to one day be married. Maybe that's why a lot of us aren't--because we can't own up to the responsibility yet.

 

[Relena7]

Why don't you give the man his privacy? Female obsession like this is what drives men away.

If he has stopped loving you or is being unfaithful, you should be able to tell from how you two interact. The fact that you can't even tell from talking to him and spending time with him tells more about your relationship than anything else.

I've never understood the female obsession to get all up in their significant other's business. Men need to have their personal space that can be just for them. For some reason, girls think that because you're engaged or going out, that it entitles them to know every little detail about your life. It's such a bizarre and disrespectful invasion of privacy that turns men off.

You either trust him or you don't. Creeping into his every little action will do nothing but make him weirded out and make him trust you less. But by all means, dig into his phone while he's in the shower and rifle through his pockets while he's sleeping. Sounds like you're real secure in this relationship.

I suppose the bigger question is, how do you even know what he's doing in the bathroom?

It isn't exclusively a female thing... there are plenty of insecure men out there who do this kind of thing as well. Also, not every woman is the type to invade a man's privacy.
Maybe educate yourself a little before making these kinds of generalizations.

 

[arwen83]

If there is nothing to hide, then why would there need to be a password on the phone

 

[Chrissy77]

If there is nothing to hide, then why would there need to be a password on the phone

^^^^^ Exactly!!!

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I think both sides should have equal access to phones. I've seen it cause too many problems. Why let suspicious thoughts grow and fester when all you have to do is let the other person see that you aren't up to anything to make them feel better about it?

 

[Ritter]

I put a password on mine for reasons other than the prospect of a snoopy wife. Call me paranoid.

 

[lost1972]

hiding things from your significant other always seems to cause issues, my wife is welcome to read anything i text or message to anyone, i still stay friends with girls i grew up with, some ive known for most of my life, but it's a non issue because i have no secrets from her, she is welcome to read anything

 

[BarlyGurl]

>>>At my old church, a married couple in their 60's who had been married something like 40 years told us how important it was to be open with the other person, and that they never speak to a member of the opposite sex unless both of them are present. Now I know everyone with opposite sex friends will probably balk at this, but the thing is, not too many people have been married for 40+ years so when someone with that kind of track record speaks about what's made them successful, I feel I owe it to them to pay some attention.<<<<

I like that this was shared... but itself is not a guarantee, nor do I think it is intended to include incidental contact with strangers...like at the grocery store. It isn't sign of dis-trust but a very simple agreement way to HONOR marriage and your spouse. I notice lots of people who fail to honor marriage in general... then wonder why theirs goes south. If you want to have an honorable marriage than begin by honoring marriage... before you enter into one.

 

[AAAPlus]

i meant no offense to the others on here. i was partially judging myself for snooping. but in honesty, i said that about judging because i've read some of YOUR previous posts, Ugly, and was afraid you might have something mean to say to me, as you have been a bit harsh with others.
sadly, it looks like my prediction about you was right. i wish my insights were as good when judging a man to date and fall in love with.

There's no need for a personal attack. You might call him "harsh" but from what I've seen, he tells it like it is, without dolling things up or making them sound better. He tells the honest truth, blunt and plain. Often times, that is needed.

 

[rachelsedge]

There's a difference between wanting privacy and hiding something. Everyone needs some alone time now and again. But being sneaky, vague, or standoffish about it raises red flags.

 

[dashadow]

thanks again to all!

@dashadow - yes you are right. the "two become one" is not technically applicable during engagement. does that make okay for him to hide things during our engagement? is it therefore NOT a red flag for me to consider?
and, i've heard: what you see is what you get. n'est pas?

I agree. It's not a good sign. And it could be an indication of what you'll have to continually deal with if you do marry this man. You are wiser than you may realize.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Last week, I noticed my fiance (of a year and a half) has started texting a lot more often. Spending long times in the bathroom with his phone.

Okay, okay...you will all judge me now....but wait....I'm not perfect. I became insecure because he'd been talking less with me and texting others more (often from the bathroom!) I wanted to know if there's something i should know about BEFORE marriage. Therefore I tried a look at his phone, but he had added a password code to his phone.

(Pertinent fact: He USED TO LET me use his phone OFTEN, for games we played, and there was no password until last week after his texting in the bathroom for about 15 minutes!)

I told him the truth.
He said, well I want my privacy.
Me: I have no password on my phone and have nothing to hide from him.
I have doubts and concerns about marrying a man who has something to hide.
What's your opinion?

I agree with what has been brought up that the two-become-one thing doesn't apply til marriage.. my boyfriend does not have unlimited access to my phone/email/etc, but I have made it clear that my future husband will have total unhindered access to these things. I'm not hiding anything, it's just a belief I have about maintaining some separation in premarital relationships.

All that said, it is still a bit alarming that you no longer have access to his phone considering that until recently.. you did have that access.

"I have doubts and concerns about marrying a man who has something to hide" - I think you need to tell him this, and observe his reaction carefully.

Best of luck to you. God bless.

 

[Perseus]

It isn't exclusively a female thing...
not every woman is the type to invade a man's privacy...

educate yourself a little...

Generalizations are just that - general commentaries on patterns found in society.

It would be rather foolish and illogical to assume that it applies to every single member of the specified group.

But in general, it is the rule more than it is the exception. If that causes you some discomfort, so be it.

As for my "education" on the negative aspects of certain types of females, you have only added to it. Thank you.

 

[seekingg]

If you are living together and having sex then your are already cheating on Jesus. You are also giving the devil a foot hold on your lives. If he is already cheating than that sucks.

When i started to not let my wife see my phone and i put a password on it she got mad. She thought i was doing something. Is what she did not know is i was hiding the evidence of her cheating and doing drugs.

 

[leelee]

having read this again i have one question., does he have a separate phone for texting?

 

[Relena7]

Generalizations are just that - general commentaries on patterns found in society. It would be rather foolish and illogical to assume that it applies to every single member of the specified group. But in general, it is the rule more than it is the exception. If that causes you some discomfort, so be it. As for my "education" on the negative aspects of certain types of females, you have only added to it. Thank you.

Geesh, I was just trying to encourage you to open your mind that not everyone deserves to be lumped into a box.

A quick google search has confirmed that yes, snooping on your spouse is a problem that affects both genders. The only thing that causes me discomfort are closed-minded people and comments that encourage closed-thinking. If that doesn't fit you, then you have no need to reply.