I'm going to regret this too Chrissy. Let's regret our posts together. Whadda say?
Currently, I have a dichotomy. I'm split between being okay and not okay with not having a mate. (And the glasses come off because I know I'm going to cry...) I'm terrified of a functioning relationship with a man. To the point I will sabotage. I'm a huge idiot, and I'm willing to admit it.
I've only ever been in love with men who will leave me, and if it looks like they won't, I seem to create circumstances in which the only thing they can do is leave. However, I only recently have come to see this. I found a blog last night that really opened my eyes as to what I was doing and how I was doing it. God fascinates me! A typo into Google and up pops a site that just... yeah. Anyway, I have issues. I have big issues, and if I want to feel better about me, I need to fix them.
I want a husband, kids, the works. But I don't want a divorce. As a matter of fact, I don't ever want to even discuss the possibility of divorce with a husband. If I'm being completely honest, I'm just flat out terrified. Am I worth being loved? Will I be a good enough wife and mother? Am I going to be able to handle being a nurse, raising a family, going to church, making lunches, and the 9 million other things that go into life?
The one man that was supposed to love me forever left. He chose another woman and drugs over his wife and child. There were no visits, no birthday cards, no "it wasn't your fault" conversations. I got nothing. And I knew as a child that his child support was anything but timely, so because he didn't even care enough to pay the money the courts ordered on time, I figured he didn't love me. I was also informed as a child that the courts had to set up taking money out of his paycheck each week. So what did he do? He quit his job. I was very well aware that he didn't love me or want me.
Please parents, do not tell your children about child support. Don't tell them that it's late. Don't tell them the court forces them to pay it. Be a grown up. If you're mad, bitter, or whatever else at your ex, DEAL WITH IT. Don't put healing off. Don't poison your kids against their other parent. Kids blame themselves for everything and by my mother telling me these things about my dad, it's greatly shaped who I am and what I have to overcome today. And here's something that I don't get. I love my dad. Still.
I know that not all men are like my dad. I've met men who love and take care of their children, their wives, their pets, etc. But I'm terrified that once I'm with a man long enough he'll look at me and say, "you're so not worth this". Because it's happened every other time.
Can I move past all this? By the grace, love, and work of my heavenly Father, I absolutely can! God has brought me through so much, and I've watched him work in other people's lives to such a point that I know he can do anything.
I would be okay if I never married, and at the same time I would be disappointed.