Should You Add Opposite Gender Married People to Your Friends List?

[seoulsearch]

Hi,

Thanks so much!

But it's not just me. One of the things that really influenced me was when my church had a panel of members who were willing to take all kinds of questions from other members about how to have successful marriages, work through affairs, live as a single, etc. These were people who were walking the walk, not just talking the talk.

One particular couple really made an impression on me in that they had been married for over 40 years, and they said that one of their secrets to success is that they never talk to an opposite sex friend without both of them being present. They also said that any opposite gender friends of theirs KNOWS they will only socialize with them as a couple and not alone or individually. That really stuck out in my mind, because they said that it was important to them to never give the devil a foothold.

In my own life, when my guy friends got married, either: 1. we would part ways and the friendship would end because they had a new life and new people to dedicate themselves to or 2. I became good friends with the wife and so now instead of the friendship with guy friend, I now had a friendship with the wife, and I would only talk to/be around him with them as a couple. This is just what works for me--I know it may be different for everyone.

But as I said, I hope that if God chooses marriage for me one day, other women will respect my marriage as well.

 

[Porthos]

Hi,

Thanks so much!

But it's not just me. One of the things that really influenced me was when my church had a panel of members who were willing to take all kinds of questions from other members about how to have successful marriages, work through affairs, live as a single, etc. These were people who were walking the walk, not just talking the talk.

One particular couple really made an impression on me in that they had been married for over 40 years, and they said that one of their secrets to success is that they never talk to an opposite sex friend without both of them being present. They also said that any opposite gender friends of theirs KNOWS they will only socialize with them as a couple and not alone or individually. That really stuck out in my mind, because they said that it was important to them to never give the devil a foothold.

In my own life, when my guy friends got married, either: 1. we would part ways and the friendship would end because they had a new life and new people to dedicate themselves to or 2. I became good friends with the wife and so now instead of the friendship with guy friend, I now had a friendship with the wife, and I would only talk to/be around him with them as a couple. This is just what works for me--I know it may be different for everyone.

But as I said, I hope that if God chooses marriage for me one day, other women will respect my marriage as well.

You have a natural instinct for this, particularly how you become the wife's friend. The two become one and the wife becomes more able to relate to you (as a woman) than you could relate with the husband. Your male friends know what a good female friend you are and it reinforces them in several ways;

1. You were the male's friend before, and now you have a spark with his wife; this means he chooses good friends that his wife approves of, and
2. Your wife has someone with obviously good morals to be close to, confide in, and it build trust in a lot of ways between th husband and his wife and between the wife and you and between the husband and you.

Respect goes a very long way. But sadly we live in a society of people who don't realise it.

 

[Relena7]

I see no problem with it. My answer is that it's up to you. If you feel weird adding married people from the opposite gender as friends, then don't force yourself.

My friends list is very relaxed. Just because I add somebody doesn't necessarily mean I know much about them or that we actually talk. I see it more as like you are subscribing to that persons posts because they usually have some interesting things to say.

 

[seoulsearch]

I see no problem with it. My answer is that it's up to you. If you feel weird adding married people from the opposite gender as friends, then don't force yourself.

My friends list is very relaxed. Just because I add somebody doesn't necessarily mean I know much about them or that we actually talk. I see it more as like you are subscribing to that persons posts because they usually have some interesting things to say.

"Subscribing to that person's posts..."

Hmm. Excellent point, Relena... I hadn't really thought of it that way and will have to consider that...

 

[Outsider]

What you do is very respectful, and it is something to be admired.

I have no problem with adding married people of the opposite gender. I have no intention of stealing their hearts from their spouses, I merely wish to keep in touch with them. If it bothers my friend's spouse, then that's something the two of them will have to sort out. So far, it hasn't been a problem.

If I had a wife, I would be okay with her befriending and talking to other men. I have to have faith in the woman I marry. If I ever do feel threatened by another man that my wife is talking to, I'll have to talk to her and hope she'll either stop talking to him, or come up with a compromise I'm comfortable with. I think it will be easy for me to trust my wife because I tend to like more introverted women.

I don't want to keep my wife from talking to other men without my permission. I learned the dangers of being paranoid, and paranoia can lead to suffocating the person you love. When a person feels suffocated by their spouse, they begin to feel like the only way they can get some fresh air is to sneak around their spouse's back. A suffocated person is also an unhappy person, and an unhappy spouse is more likely to develop intimate feelings for someone else and cheat.

That's not to say I won't keep an eye on my spouse (when I get married). If she starts acting different, I'll try to figure out the problem and react accordingly.

Everyone is different, as well as every relationship. It's important to know how protective the person you want to marry will become. Will they be trusting, or will they be super protective?

My friends list is very relaxed. Just because I add somebody doesn't necessarily mean I know much about them or that we actually talk. I see it more as like you are subscribing to that persons posts because they usually have some interesting things to say.

This is exactly how I think of my friends list. Being on my friend's list doesn't necessarily make you my friend, it just means we're subscribed to each other. I think of my friends list as my "contacts" list, people I want to remain connected to for one reason or another.

 

[rachelsedge]

I don't know, I don't really see it as a big deal. Being "friends" with someone on CC means nothing, really. You can see just as much profile information and do all the same functions as if you were not a friend, the only difference is you can see their posts in your "feed". I have a couple of friends on here who are married and we PM occasionally, and I think it's fine. Our conversations are God-honoring so I don't see a problem with it just because they're married and I'm single. If the content of our PMs started to change, or if they were approaching me differently, that's where I'd draw the line, but that's just discernment. As long as they aren't sneaking around behind their spouse's back with ill-intent, I don't think there's anything to worry about.

I'm not saying you're wrong seoulsearch, but I, personally, don't see it as a big deal.

In real life it's a bit different. I am great friends with two married couples, with both the husband and the wife of each couple. Worked out kind of nice in that way, I knew them all before they all got married. I still talk to them, even when their wife is not there (though we'd never really be alone, just us two, we'd always have another friend around). I just think it's a heart issue. I would hate to think that I couldn't be friends with single people after I get married without my spouse's permission. Like Outsider said, as long as each are okay with it, and each trust each other, it should be okay. If issues arise, then they can be addressed then.

 

[seoulsearch]

No problem, Rachel. You have great posts and I completely respect your thoughts! I know different things work for different people as well.

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

I see your point and I feel a bit ashamed that it had never crossed my mind. I would certainly not befriend a married stranger on his own in real life and it would seem that the same principles should apply on the net if I am to be consistent. Of course 99 times out of 100 it is all totally harmless but that to my mind is not the point.

 

[Tintin]

I have a funny story. First few months of university, I befriended some people and fell for one of them - a girl. She let me know (quite bluntly) that she wasn't attracted to me. Several months later, she had her eyes on someone she knew from some Christian young adult thing. I was invited to her 24th birthday party, as was he. I met him, he seemed like a nice guy. Not long after, my friend and this guy started dating. Several months prior, as soon as she said she wasn't interested in me, I didn't pursue her further. I befriended this guy and the girl has now become one of my best friends. I held/hold no negative thoughts and feelings towards either of them and am very comfortable talking with either one and they me. I often struggle to get to know cousin's or friend's girlfriends/boyfriends etc. but this was very natural. Now the guy and the girl have a godly marriage and have been married for several years. They're a real blessing in my life.

 

[jimmydiggs]

In interest of avoiding sin, and the appearance of sin, it is generally a wise approach.

 

[BishopSEH]

This is probably on of the best topics I have seen on this forum. Many people do not take the time to actually consider the impact and possible temptation that is social media.

First and foremost my wife is not only friended but listed as my spouse on my social media pages. Second is complete accountability. This means my wife has all my passwords and can access my files and such whether I am home or away and I have the same access with hers. Third is if your married your spouse has to be friended at the same time. In short what I post to you, they get too and vice versa.

It doesn't matter is your male or female. In today's relativistic society, morality and specifically sexual morality is begin fast over written by a fast food mentality. We want it and we want it our way. God says, you can have but it has to be my way. In the words of Joshua I echo, Choose this day who you will serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

 

[Adrift]

I find it admirable that you are so careful with such things seoulsearch.

I myself do not really see a problem with adding someone who is married on here since I do not plan on having any ongoing conversations with them. I just think of it more so as "subscribing" to their posts, as others have already mentioned and nothing more. I would however have a problem if a married man wanted to add me to some sort of instant messaging or chat with me, since I could not do something like that.

Even single men I try being careful with. I remember that they will likely be married someday, and I will very likely not be that person, so I always proceed with some sort of caution when it comes to anything like this. I will have conversations, but I still try being cautious. I know on another forum I was on, there were some that would come on feigning to be single when they were actually married and flirting with others. So the best way to go about anything is caution I suppose.

 

[seoulsearch]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts

The other reason I seem to be going overboard about this is because several years ago, a male acquaintance I used to know found me through Facebook (which is yet another reason why I'm no longer on it). He had been married a while but said he was just dropping by to say hi, see how I was, etc.

About 4 months later, he wrote me a long email saying he was in the process of getting a divorce. While of course, I felt terrible for him, he also, in the next few months, started writing that I should "visit" and "come spend the weekend" with him and his kids.

In other words... The reason why he contacted me is because he was shopping for a new wife. There have been other times I've been approached as well, whether in real life or online, and the men are married but looking for a "backup plan." And of course, this happens with women as well.

I find it best to be careful, is all.

 

[Stephen63]

You go, girl! Do you realize that you are probably one in a handful of singles of your generation that have conservative Christian standards? Stick to yer guns! I think we ought to be more careful of how we choose our friends on here since we really don't know who they are. We don't even know if they are a man or woman!

 

[Ariel82]

i have a question what if you were friends with both the husband and the wife but they got a divorce.

does that mean you wouldn't be friends with the husband anymore even if they reached out to you and your kids are friends?

or what if you were friends with the husband before he was married and then became friends with the wife as well but something happened and they split, wouldn't it be wrong to stop being friends with them?

I don't know I thought we were to act out of love for other people and I always viewed others as brothers or sisters in Christ. It just seems paranoid to me to not be friends with another person because of their martial status.

I don't mind if my husband talks to other women because I trust him and he trusts me. I just don't see a relationship lasting without mutual trust or demanding that we give up our previous friendships with others just because they are of the opposite sex. Its not like you are going to disown your family and our friends are like our adopted family: our brothers and sisters in Christ. We both know that if there was going to be something between them and their friend it would have already happened before we meet each other and trust that the relationship is platonic.

this thread makes me want to retreat back into a shell and not talk to guys cuz they have cooties stage, but I think God wants us to outgrow that.

I believe God wants us to love everyone no matter their gender.

1 Corinthians 13

[SUP]4 [/SUP]Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; [SUP]5 [/SUP]does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; [SUP]6 [/SUP]does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; [SUP]7 [/SUP]bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
[SUP]8 [/SUP]Love never fails.

I just can't see how it is wrong to be a friend to another who is hurting and in need of a shoulder to cry upon and an ear to listen and a heart willing to pray with them.

 

[PopClick]

I think people should follow their hearts and consciences in such matters. But I believe your actions were out of spite. And this is an attempt on your part to justify your mean-spirited behavior. Good luck with that.

Hang on. Did she say that she was defriending you because your feet were smelly? 0.o Or because you were a bad person? That would have been mean-spirited. Seoulsearch has been very open, honest, and ladylike about the whole thing. I also am wondering why you care so much about being taken off someone's friends list. Life goes on, you know? Like it has for 50 + years.

 

[seoulsearch]

Ariel,

You ask a very good question, and to be honest, I think I wouldn't know personally until the situation happened. I have not yet experienced being friends with two married people who divorced.

I would, in all honesty, probably remain friends with the wife because of the same-sex factor.

I personally believe that there would be a danger in being too close of friends with the husband. I say this only because I have, in the past, had men who were fresh out of divorces or in the middle of them try to seek me out as a "friend", but I think it's important to be very careful because a hurting heart will easily attach to a member of the opposite sex too soon and for the wrong reasons if not allowed to heal.

You bring up another great point as well... Whether or not married people can have friends of the opposite gender. I suppose different things work for different couples (and I realize this is an entirely different topic altogether) and I'm not sure if there's any universal answer for that.

I for one have always had guy friends so I do wonder that, if God would have me to be married... If I can never again have another male friend except my husband.

 

[jinx]

add who ever you want, but when they start getting freaky on ya, delete em.

 

[agentmom]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. You are talking Christian matters. If the opposite sex person started getting "chummy" and wanted to meet me, I would unfriend him immediately.

 

[bikerchaz]

WOW!! I have looked through these posts and I have not seen Jesus mentioned any where, ". Our conversations are God-honoring" was the only time I have seen God mentioned, and "I don't know I thought we were to act out of love for other people and I always viewed others as brothers or sisters in Christ. It just seems paranoid to me to not be friends with another person because of their martial status". Where Christ was mentioned. (and an agreeable post)
Does Jesus reign in your heart? can you stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say "Jesus reigns in me totally", This is probably a little unfair but only a little. This is Christian chat, not a knocking shop forum! if you are on here with the intention of finding Love then fall in love with Jesus, His words are true and cannot be countermanded, "Seek you first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you". These things are, warmth, food for the body, clothes to cover your nakedness, the love and affection of a partner if you need one. This last one 'partner' seems a bit much do you think? It does not say that in words does it? Read the passage! Do not be like the pharisees who live to the letter and not the spirit. The passage is talking about the needs of us as human beings, with the needs God created within us.
Jesus never saw a problem with all this and being human I am sure Paul, if he knew how much controversy he would cause, would not have written about sexual impropriety the way he did, but we are Human and make mistakes, which is why Paul did write it.
I once asked a lady who turned up in our church if there was anything I could do to help. She had recently moved in from outside the aria and was having trouble with moving in, her electrics and water supply, I was a plasterer and offered my help. The next thing was I had the elders questioning me like I was jack the ripper.
Get a grip people!. If you have trouble with inappropriate thought processes then take them to the church and get some prayer, if it is bought into the light it will go away, do not be embarrassed with your brain, that is the only bit the adversary can interfere with, your heart is covered by the blood of Christ and He took away your shame, THIS IS SCRIPTURAL!!! These are skirmishes the evil one brings to put us off track, the war is won, we can stand under anything he brings because we have Jesus with us and in us.
befriend any one who asks you, do not turn them away, you might show in your conversation what they need to get closer to Jesus, you could show in your conversation how we have fallen in love with the one true Lord who guides us in everything we do, if we let him show us and don't do it in our strength and understanding.