Oh my goodness, I am so sorry you are experiencing dating a narcissist! I was in a relationship with a narcissist a while ago and it certainly did some damage. I think
@morefaithrequired has some good advice regarding this topic.
If you don't mind, would you be comfortable opening up a little more about what's going on? I understand if not!!
While Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is often characterized by feelings of self-importance and a hunger for admiration, the most harmful symptom of NPD is a lack of empathy and disregard for other people. This disorder can occur alongside Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). Narcissists are often very manipulative (like you said, they are pros at brainwashing). A relationship with a narcissist is often emotionally abusive. They often pretend to be charismatic and romantic to attract a victim. They hold this facade and any positive behaviors over you whenever you confront them about their cruel behavior. For example, a narcissist may bring up the time they surprised you with flowers and a date when you are trying to tell them that their backhanded comments hurt your feelings. Although a person who suffers from NPD is the victim of a cruel mental illness, it is a horrible issue when some narcissists choose to act on their impulses to dehumanize others.
Based on my experience with narcissists, I have learned to identify the emotional abuse tactics they use so I can avoid being emotionally destroyed by them. However, it's a bit more difficult when you're romantically involved with one. I totally understand how you are asking yourself "why am I still with him?" I was asking myself the same thing last summer. It's like a tug-o-war: half of you wants to stay with them while the other half wants to be free! This confusion and reluctance is a result of the manipulation tactics they use. Here is a list of tactics that narcissists use (content warning: language). I'm sure that you are unfortunately familiar with at least some of them:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-...ociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/
When you can actively identify the tactics your narcissistic partner is using, you can separate the person they are pretending to be from the dark and sinister reality of their character. This may help you break free from his control!