Depression

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AmandaMM

Junior Member
Oct 28, 2017
13
1
0
#1
I have never been one to give a lot of attention to depression. I have always felt like it's the absence of a relationship with God that leads to this. And so, imagine my bewilderment when I, a Christian, am labeling myself as depressed. But that's the only way I can describe how I feel rn. I don't want to be married anymore. I have fought for this marriage for 17 years. And I didn't even realize what I was fighting against. I have dealt with emotional abuse, physical violence,(not harming me, but destroying my home and my personal belongings) and narcissism. He always "fixes" things when I'm at my wit's end. He starts paying attention to our kids and my needs. But it never lasts long, and he never includes God in it. Only when I threaten to leave and he says we just need to be close to Him. Recently I was closer than ever to leaving. And yet, here I am. Because I don't think I have biblical grounds to leave him. He has NO relationship with our oldest daughter. She literally hates him, and it breaks my heart. She will be moving out in a year. She says he doesn't care about anyone but himself and me. And as horrible as it makes me sound, I wish he didn't love me. I wish he would cheat on me. He has in his heart. He admitted to having a problem with pornography. But now, he says it's no longer an issue and I have to forgive him. But I can't. He spent the last 15 years verbally destroying me because he thought I was looking at other men. And the whole time, he was, and I quote, "Lusting after every female he saw." He said when he's close to God he isn't that way. But he won't do anything to be close to Him. I have no respect left for him. I want to be alone. But I can't, because my son would be devastated. I know God can help me work on myself. But I always wind up being a doormat. I work on me, and he benefits. I just want out of my marriage. He also threatens suicide. But as of now, he's "proving himself." Something he does when I am at my wit's end. I know it isn't real, because he I'd leaving God out of it, like always. I am miserable
 

Ugly

Senior Member
Apr 19, 2011
20,502
509
113
#2
This is a cycle of abuse. Threatening, angry outbursts, always right, never responsible for his behavior, holding on to grudges or fabricating things to hold against you, selfish and pretending go be the guy you want when you can't take it anymore. It's textbook abuse. Oh, and he uses God to manipulate you. You want to leave suddenly he becomes spiritual.

Have you considered a separation? Moving out, but not divorcing. Sometimes this rattles people enough to make them face their behavior. Not always, as abusers Rarely change.
And if you do this it shouldn't be for a weekend or a week. It needs to be long term to show him how serious you are. And with specific requirements on what he needs to do before you will even Consider Discussing moving back. And stand your ground. If you give in early and return it will work against you.

But who knows, maybe after all these years you couldn't repair things even if he did truly change. It's not uncommon for this to happen, someone so shut down by abusive behavior they are unable to ever feel anything for their abuser again.

Situations like this are tricky. Does God truly intend for people to stay in these sorts of situations with their spouse? I find it hard to believe this is what He will. Granted God hates divorce, but He is also a God of justice and mercy.


In regards to your depression, I can assure you, as someone with 25 years of depression, it's often deeper than distancing from God. Job was depressed. Much of the Psalms sounds like they come from a depressed mindset.
Depression comes from many sources. Diet, hormones, brain chemical imbalance or even situational, based off of what you're going through (death of a parent for example).
So it's good you learned this lesson, that it's not a disobedience or lack of faith. It's a rough lesson, but one I believe will benefit you in the long run.
 
Oct 25, 2017
1,315
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#3
Hi! Sis..I am sorry about what you are going through in your marriage...I can't really fully understand what you are feeling right now but I can offer you my prayer for you and your family...


Welcome sis.


God bless you ❤
 

AmandaMM

Junior Member
Oct 28, 2017
13
1
0
#4
Thank you so much for responding.You seem to understand exactly where I'm at! He's on his best behavior at the moment, and it depresses me even more because it's not real, it never is. I almost left a few weeks ago, but I gave in again. I can't stand seeing him cry or hear him telling me that he wants to grow old with me, that I'm his everything. So I caved, and here we are, where life is peachy again. Except that I feel very little for him, and I am not myself anymore. I guess I will have to wait until it returns to normal so maybe I will stick to it this time. My oldest daughter says it is causing her emotional damage to see him with my other 2, because he has never cared enough to try for a relationship with her, and she knows that my other 2 will be in the same boat she is one day. She's angry with me for staying. They do not talk at all. I tried since she was 8 to help him be a dad to a daughter. I told him if he didn't do something, one day she might not want him to anymore. And that is exactly what has happened, and his response is that he can't change it now. I think that's where my loss of respect comes from. He never listens when I try to make him understand things ,and then when they blow up, he "can't fix it now," and I need to "stop being resentful and forgive."
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
22,481
1,100
113
63
#5
God does not expect you to live with a violent verbally abusive husband. You can work on yourself all day long but it's your husband who is a piece of work. No wonder you're depressed, you see no way out. My counsel is to seek a divorce lawyer and start making plans on moving forward in a positive direction in your life. There are others here in the same situation so please know that you're not alone. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.
 

joefizz

Senior Member
Apr 23, 2017
13,448
346
83
25
#6
Welcome here you can discuss with bible smart people and possibly make new friends,hope you like it here!
 

stillness

Senior Member
Jan 28, 2013
720
18
18
63
#7
Just one coment sister, we are not for real appart from God. You are aware of that: God loved us in our selfishness, to free us to change. Your husband love is shalow as a little child who is forgiven and does not yet know how to suffer with Christ. I would advise you to get a wip for when he looses sight of the Lord. The Lord bless you and give you peace.
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,013
68
48
#8
I can relate to what you are going through. I stayed married to a man for 20 years that was much the same and did cheat...many times. He was also physically abusive on several occasions. I always stayed waiting for him to change his ways. I did not want a divorce. My family and other Christian friends told me that God did not intend me to be a doormat. I gave my husband the choice to go to counseling together and choose his family or his mistress...he chose us...and that lasted 3 days. We separated and ended up divorced 3 years later. I believe after a lot of prayer and a lot of pain, that I made the right choice. So much of my time was used going around in circles with him...that I was falling short of serving the Lord. This is a delicate situation on your end. Your direction needs to come from the Lord and it wouldn't hurt to talk to your pastor. I will pray for you sister.
 

LookingtoZion

Junior Member
May 15, 2017
24
0
0
#9
So sorry to hear what you have been going through. You said that he says he doesn't look at pornography anymore. Did he go through a recovery program (like Every Man's Battle or Pure Intimacy)? Also, is he willing to work on the marriage? If so would he go to Hope Restored? It sounds like he doesn't know what he doesn't know. When my pastor marries a couple he always uses the illustration of a triangle. God is at the top. the husband and wife are at the bottom corners. As each move up toward God they also move together. In order for your marriage to be healed and the two of you to grow together, you both need to be moving toward God. Explain that to your husband and see if he is truly willing to get the help he needs or if he is just talking.
 

Ann10

Junior Member
Oct 18, 2017
7
0
1
#10
I am sorry that you are dealing with so many difficult issues. Depression can also cause brain fog or more difficulty in making decisions. I would agree that some outside counsel would be helpful for you. A pastor or a marriage counselor might be able to give you some insight for your situation. Have you considered counseling for your daughter as well? She sounds like she might benefit from some help as well. Sending prayers your way.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
4,874
403
83
#11
I have never been one to give a lot of attention to depression. I have always felt like it's the absence of a relationship with God that leads to this. And so, imagine my bewilderment when I, a Christian, am labeling myself as depressed. But that's the only way I can describe how I feel rn. I don't want to be married anymore. I have fought for this marriage for 17 years. And I didn't even realize what I was fighting against. I have dealt with emotional abuse, physical violence,(not harming me, but destroying my home and my personal belongings) and narcissism. He always "fixes" things when I'm at my wit's end. He starts paying attention to our kids and my needs. But it never lasts long, and he never includes God in it. Only when I threaten to leave and he says we just need to be close to Him. Recently I was closer than ever to leaving. And yet, here I am. Because I don't think I have biblical grounds to leave him. He has NO relationship with our oldest daughter. She literally hates him, and it breaks my heart. She will be moving out in a year. She says he doesn't care about anyone but himself and me. And as horrible as it makes me sound, I wish he didn't love me. I wish he would cheat on me. He has in his heart. He admitted to having a problem with pornography. But now, he says it's no longer an issue and I have to forgive him. But I can't. He spent the last 15 years verbally destroying me because he thought I was looking at other men. And the whole time, he was, and I quote, "Lusting after every female he saw." He said when he's close to God he isn't that way. But he won't do anything to be close to Him. I have no respect left for him. I want to be alone. But I can't, because my son would be devastated. I know God can help me work on myself. But I always wind up being a doormat. I work on me, and he benefits. I just want out of my marriage. He also threatens suicide. But as of now, he's "proving himself." Something he does when I am at my wit's end. I know it isn't real, because he I'd leaving God out of it, like always. I am miserable
I am truly sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take your pain away.

A couple of comments if I may.

Sin doesn't sit there all by itself and be content. If someone is overcome in one area by sin, it will almost definitely spill over to other areas. Your husband didn't magically give up porn. He has probably gotten better at hiding it from you. It sounds to me like his guilt from this unconfessed sin progresses to lying, verbal abuse and so on.

I believe he may in fact be trying to stop these behaviors. He won't be able to do it apart from God. If he could, we wouldn't need Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

So the key is to calmly tell him you need for him NOT ONLY to attend Church every week, but to get "plugged in" during the week with SEVERAL fellowship groups, not just mens. Explain the consequences for each failure to comply.

I don't know how old your son is, and I agree hurting him would be worse than depression, but perhaps a night at a hotel on his dime, then 2 nights for the next failure, and so on.

Love is NOT getting the warm fuzzies about someone. I'm glad to see that you have been working on your marriage. Your husband is redeemable. Your marriage is redeemable. Obviously you can't put yourself or your children at risk of physical abuse. But short of that, I don't see why God can't save your marriage.

Do you build up your husband when your daughter bad mouths and disrespects him?

My wife can sometimes be pretty unreasonable toward our boys. Yet I would never allow them to belittle or disrespect their mother.

Holy Father. Please show your mighty Hand in this marriage. Give this husband NO REST til he rests in You,and honestly admits his wrong to his wife and children. Truly humble him. Give this wife the strength to persevere in this situation, and Your Peace in her heart. In Jesus Name I pray.
 

KimmyO

Junior Member
Sep 15, 2017
22
2
0
#12
You should not feel guilty or like you don't have a biblical reason to leave. He is abusive and has spiritually left you. God does not want you, His beloved, to be living in this! It would take a miracle for a narcissistic abusive man to be healed and different. I am not saying it is impossible since nothing is impossible with God, but if he isn't dedicated to being with God, then there is no hope for lasting change. You are adored by your Lord, He does not want to see you hurt so bad and living like this. Do not feel like it will devastate your son, instead you are letting him know by leaving that this is inappropriate behavior and not how to treat a woman. If you stay, he may think this is correct and grow up to be the same as his dad. Free yourself and your family. If you are interested after being gone a while in getting back together with him, demand extensive counseling first, or it will continue. Praying for wisdom for you and courage in this! God will provide a way out for you.
 

ladybugg

Junior Member
Mar 31, 2014
24
0
0
#13
Hi there, wow you could almost be writing my life story. Been there done that. I made 18 years and getting divorced was the best thing I did for myself and my kids. Its better coming from a divorced home than living in one but............ dont fool youself life on the single side is not easy at all so before you leave make sure its what you want. ok 19 years later.... I suffer from depression and the hormones are going crazy etc etc....... I got hold of Joyce Meyers cds Battelfield of the Mind. Wow wow wow it has changed my mind. She teaches you how to cope with anything in life without falling apart and keeping your inner peace. Please do yourself the favour and listen to it.. I have the book too but think its better to hear her talk, she has a great sense of humour too. For the first time in 20 years im ok . hope you find your answer, its not a great place to be. Take care.
 

star

Senior Member
Nov 8, 2017
538
77
28
#14
I have never been one to give a lot of attention to depression. I have always felt like it's the absence of a relationship with God that leads to this. And so, imagine my bewilderment when I, a Christian, am labeling myself as depressed. But that's the only way I can describe how I feel rn. I don't want to be married anymore. I have fought for this marriage for 17 years. And I didn't even realize what I was fighting against. I have dealt with emotional abuse, physical violence,(not harming me, but destroying my home and my personal belongings) and narcissism. He always "fixes" things when I'm at my wit's end. He starts paying attention to our kids and my needs. But it never lasts long, and he never includes God in it. Only when I threaten to leave and he says we just need to be close to Him. Recently I was closer than ever to leaving. And yet, here I am. Because I don't think I have biblical grounds to leave him. He has NO relationship with our oldest daughter. She literally hates him, and it breaks my heart. She will be moving out in a year. She says he doesn't care about anyone but himself and me. And as horrible as it makes me sound, I wish he didn't love me. I wish he would cheat on me. He has in his heart. He admitted to having a problem with pornography. But now, he says it's no longer an issue and I have to forgive him. But I can't. He spent the last 15 years verbally destroying me because he thought I was looking at other men. And the whole time, he was, and I quote, "Lusting after every female he saw." He said when he's close to God he isn't that way. But he won't do anything to be close to Him. I have no respect left for him. I want to be alone. But I can't, because my son would be devastated. I know God can help me work on myself. But I always wind up being a doormat. I work on me, and he benefits. I just want out of my marriage. He also threatens suicide. But as of now, he's "proving himself." Something he does when I am at my wit's end. I know it isn't real, because he I'd leaving God out of it, like always. I am miserable


AmandaMM,

I lived through mental, emotional abuse for many years before I ended up in the hospital pych ward one inch away from a complete nervous breakdown. This person in my first marriage took away my teenage years, my young adult years and caused me so much mental and emotional anguish that it took me 2+ years of intense therapy to get myself back on track. The difference for me was that he was cheating on me from the very beginning. Because of my spiritual side, I believed I was "doomed" if I left him.

Well, I finally did and while that caused a different set of challenges with my two kids, it was worth it for the sake of my sanity and personal dignity. I have never regretted my decision one day and I have found the person I wish I could have found in the very beginning as he and I have been married for 31 years.

I made a terrible mistake as a young person but I came to understand that I did not have to spend the rest of my life in that mistake. I came to understand that the old adage "make your bed then you have to lay in it" was untrue.

As for depression, I am on medication for it due to all those years of mental and emotional war and probably will be on it for the rest of my life but that's okay.

I pray that God will give you guidance, strength and most of all, peace and comfort as you go through this time in your life.
 
Sep 3, 2017
2
0
0
#15
well dont like it DO SOMETHING FOR IT or suffer
 

stillness

Senior Member
Jan 28, 2013
720
18
18
63
#16
Just one coment sister, we are not for real appart from God. You are aware of that: God loved us in our selfishness, to free us to change. Your husband love is shalow as a little child who is forgiven and does not yet know how to suffer with Christ. I would advise you to get a wip for when he looses sight of the Lord. The Lord bless you and give you peace.
Sory for my humor needing help but you need to be firm with your husband. To tame him, like taming a lion. Your in a codependant relationship: depending to much on each other and needing to turn to the Lord for help. Dont be afraid of making mistakes and get up to go on to know the Lord