Married Single Parent, When You Can't Help

Why is your sister hesitant about getting out? Has the police been involved? Has anyone been initiating a risk assessment?

Abusive spouses have been known to go to safe houses, and either kill them there, or follow them when they leave. I watched a true-life story on Lifetime once, where this woman left her husband and moved to a safe house where he found her and stabbed her several times and cut her throat. And the kicker? One cop showed up, and DID nothing, just watched him stab her. She survived but was left severely maimed for life. He went to prison. I forget the entire title of the movie, but it's called The Tracy (something) Story. It starred Nancy McKeon.

Tracy survived and went on to become an advocate against spousal abuse. She sued the town and police force for not helping her when she was being stabbed. And for all the times she called the cops, saying he was there and stalking her and was told "Sorry we can't do anything until HE does something to you".. Like WTH??!!

And restraining orders are frickin' useless. Been there done that, didn't work..

I honestly don't know. She says she's praying about it. Somehow I think she hopes God will change him or intervein somehow,turn his life around. He and I have had some serious run ins so I'd seen as someone with a beef against him. My father doesn't agree with what he is doing but says she's an adult what can you do? My mother believes divorce is a last,last resort for Christians. I feel I'm the only one trying to raise the alarm.

First, the husband is in no way a Christian. The Bible tells husbands to love their wives as Christ lives the church.

This man has failed from day 1, to be a husband, or for that matter a Christian. He will be answerable to God, but right now, your sister needs to leave now. Not run away when he goes after her. It may be too late.

As for the children, how could anyone possibly think the kids would be better off with a monster who punches walls, and treats their mother like dirt, is a good role model and father? They will grow up to be like him! Leave for the children, if not herself.

There is no marriage. She sounds codependent, needs to get to a safe place, and protect herself and the kids. Tell your mom, doesn't matter where they were married, it is not a Christian marriage, and God wants your sister safe, not dead, with her children growing up to be just like their monster father!

Hi Kaylagrl, so sorry your sister is in this position, I’ll Be praying.. many have offered great counsel here.
It’s so good she tells you things.. Praying the Lord gives you wisdom and emotional strength to deal with it all and that she continues to confide in you.

Your Mum mustn’t fold and tell, no matter how coercive and persuasive he might be - it’d be a good thing for your Mum to be aware of the signs of coercive manipulation people use to get people to reveal personal details, even about someone else! Sometimes we don’t know it’s happened until it’s done. And it can be unfathomable to some that people operate in that way - but some do! And it’s usually not obvious, esp to those who are unaware..

There’s a resource I’d like to PM you, a signpost - link to some helpful information that clearly show the signs and tactics. I don’t feel comfortable sharing in public for obvious reasons.
Really hope it helps you, and maybe you can pass relevant info on to your Mum so she’ll recognise the tactics if this man attempts to use them on her. But also for your sister too so she can perhaps see any signs he’s doing and see it for what it is.
Great she’s going to counselling, I hope (and Pray) that the therapists are not only aware but trained in counselling people suffering domestic abuse, both the physical and emotional/ psychological.

God bless you for looking out for your sis, praying for you all.
Take good care, God is watching over us all, He encompasses us, like a compass N, S, E and W, like a Shield 🛡
... and divorce isn’t wrong when someone is being chronically harmed... and the perpetrator isn’t repentant... God Bless you and your family 🙏🏻

I will pray for your sister, and the "husband". This is horrific.

Thank you so much for that PM. I'm going to read it again and share with my mother. He actually came between my sister and I for several years and she and I had no relationship. It got so bad I got my father involved and it calmed down. My BIL tolerates me, and I him because I need my sister to be open and trust me. My husband cannot stand the sight of my BIL. He believes my parents are hoodwinked by him. He said he knew the type of man he was from the moment he met him. But I told him we have to stay involved for now. He seldom comes to family functions, so that at least gives me a chance to talk to my sister alone.

The oldest is 13 and I told him if he ever needs to talk, or needs us in any way to call us. He's close to my husband and thinks the world of him. But he's very defensive about talking about his father. If he thinks his father is being criticized,even jokingly he gets upset. I never criticize his father,but my sister does almost constantly. Both the boys have phones since Christmas so I told the youngest ,11yrs old, if he needed us to call,even if he just wanted to talk. And he just started to let things tumble out. I wasn't fishing,simply said if you need us you can call. He said "daddy is always mad...and he's always mad at my momma". Breaks my heart. I tried to tell him that like he and his brother,parents fight too. But what can I say?! My sister said my BIL said during one of their fights in front of the boys "this is what happens when you get married,women drive you insane"!! Yet myself and my husband are the only ones trying to push her to leave. She said he's a good dad and I said " No, that is not a good father!!". Just praying she will wake up.

Thank you brother. I've tried not to become numb to this. But I've been fighting for 17 yrs to keep a relationship with my sister. She goes to all his family events,she MUST attend. His parents live next door to them,as in you can see their house from my sisters doorstep. They know when she leaves and get upset when she comes up to my parents and my place with the kids. They act like the children belong to them.

When I read each of your posts I realize again how bad the situation is. My parents are not pushing the way I am. For some reason no one wants to speak up which makes me seem like I have it in for my BIL. He has told my sister that I'm "too northern",he has no use for women that aren't from the south. I think that's code for "women who speak up for themselves" in his mind. I could tell story after story. When she was first married she' would run home to us with the baby, now the 11yr old,because my BIL had beaten the house up. I've seen the holes in the wall,he's admitted it to me,laughed about it.

When my hubby and I were engaged my sister and I drove in to the city one day to shop. It was raining and slick and at a stop light a school bus jammed on the brakes ahead of us. With no time to stop we ended up UNDER the back of the bus. So far under that the windshield broke and we had glass on us. I jumped out of the car in shock to head to my sister. The cop told me to stay in the car and I just ran past him. No one was hurt but the cop kept saying "Oh my God!" I think he was shocked we walked away. My husband lived an hour away so I called my father. He was at work and his boss drove him to meet us. My father, not one to show emotion especially in public,took one look at the car and broke down and sobbed. The car had to be pulled out from under the bus and the hood was a U shape by the time they were done. When we got in the truck to and began to drive away from the scene my sister started to cry. I thought it had hit her that we were almost killed and her boys would have no mother. No,she was crying because she was afraid of how her husband was going to react. She called him when we got to our parents and hung up and ran into the room crying. He had been angry,like she said,about the car. He called back and I picked up. He said he wanted to talk to my sister and I told him no. I said "What is your problem!? You almost lost your wife and the mother of your children today!!!! What is wrong with your head?!!" Honestly I don't believe he loves her now and I don't know that he ever loved her.

Remaining in an abusive relationship/marriage for the sake of your children is NOT the way to go. I would suggest she leaves and take her sons before its too late. If hes capable of hurting himself then hes capable of hurting everyone else INCLUDING her and the children.

A suggestion:

Set up a camera in the home, when the situation becomes overheated like it has, record that and save it to show him what he looks like from the outside looking in...In high emotional states, we validate the actions in our own minds but from the view of everyone else, the sight can be scary.

However, If you did this, I would not show it to him unless you both were in a calm receptive state. Throwing this at a hot moment is adding fuel to the fire..No No!

Your sis should have left this man long time ago. This actually domestic violence. I don't understand how long your sis is going to put with that guy. He never going to change. If he truly love her he wouldn't physical, emotionally, mentally abused her in the first place. Called the police already. I doubted the divorce is going to affected the children. Children are actually affected when they see their parents fight or argue infront of them. Also have u thought. that maybe the children should see a therpaist or psychologist since u say how one of them is obsessive with gun and the other is on medication.

I wouldn't never let a guy lay a finger on me if he did I would have put him in his place.

We've been going back and forth for 17yrs now. He gets mad,beats up the house,curses her out, she runs to my parents with the kids. He calls and apologizes and back she goes. As I said, he and I went toe to toe, actually more than once. I think I'm actually the only one he is actually wary of but I don't think he respects any of us. My husband being from the south reads him better than I think my family does. He says he's a fake. My husband tends to be a good reader of people. I think she and the kids need professional help. She has gone to three or four pastors and they all said leave him. She seems to think there is still hope and God will change him. How do you break through to someone who said "God told me"...? I do not know. I worry for them. I thought I would see them for spring break but she informed us her husband will be coming along,which he never does for any holidays or family functions. I am just hoping this councilor she is seeing privately will encourage her to get out.

I'm sorry, Kayla, but she won't "get out" until she's brought out either on a stretcher or in a body bag.. That's the reality of this situation, unfortunately..

17 years later u guys haven't take any action and things haven't change and still remains the same. You are all complaining how bad the husband is to your sister.

You guys were all supposed solve the issues that ur sis have with her husband long time ago. You all aware that he has threatened her and know how violence he is. I don't care if he appologiz that doesn't give him the right to ruin the house and make a huge mess.

Do u honestly believe that God change people?

I personally don't think so because look what happened to the Pharoh in the Eypt. God has to send soo many plague in Egypt so the Israel could be free and the Pharoh didn't listen.

Ur Sis is actually old enough and smart to leave her husband. She know better. I'm guessing the reasons why she still with him is because he maintain her and support her.

I really can't say why she stays with him, she gives me different reasons each time. She's an adult and I cannot make her leave her husband. Nor can my parents. As much as I wish I could I cannot. I do believe people can change with God's help,I just don't believe her husband wants to change. But again,it's up to her. I cannot make her do anything.

Obviously you've never been in a physically abusive relationship. She isn't staying with him because he "maintains and supports her". He doesn't maintain anything except his own ego. And he certainly isn't supporting her or the kids. He probably doesn't give a d@mn about them. He's just happy to control her, and keep her living in too much fear to ever leave him.

What he needs is a good beat down from her father and any other male family members. Maybe then he'd think twice about hitting his wife and kids. What SHE needs to do is leave, take the kids and divorce this jack donkey, but she won't. Why? Because she's scared, and doesn't want to traumatize the kids anymore than they already are.

My last ex was abusive. He got me evicted and when I told him it was over and he wasn't coming with me, he tried to strangle me. It was only by God's grace, and me kicking him in the bawlz, that he let go and left..

People will only change if they truly WANT to change. This guy wants control of his family at all costs, even if it means he kills them.

What worries me most is, that one of the kids is obsessed with guns. If he's THAT obsessed, you can be positive that he either has a gun in that house OR can definitely get one. I fear that if your sister's husband doesn't end up killing her, then your nephew will end up shooting and killing his father.

This whole situation is a powder keg with a lit fuse..