First off, May God watch over you and protect you during this very difficult time in your life.
I do not know what it is that is the cause of wanting to or having these thoughts go through your mind, but I can tell it is not in your heart as you have taken the time to reach out, and many of us are here (myself included) are glad you did. That tells me you really dont want to, you are just in a lot of pain. My heart goes out to you, as it is difficult when one feels this way. You have not, Nor WILL YOU EVER be alone. I do not believe in conquincedence , and I do not believe that you randomly decided to reach out to others here. Take heart, as God will never leave you and many here care about you. You are the only you the world has been blessed with🙂. I'm so very glad you reached out. I agree, if you want to reach out to a good Godly counselor or maybe a close friend, it might help. Please know that if you want to reach out and just chat about whatever is going on , then I will response when I can. Hang in there, life can be rough and the Devil only tries to get you to believe that the world and you would be better off without you...he only does that because he knows the truth. The world and you would benefit and grow from you being here. Hang in there, Your going to be Ok...🤗