Imagine witnessing a young couple getting married in 2020; the bride in her beautiful wedding dress, and the nervous young man in his tuxedo. The backdrop is a stained glass window in the church where they grew up together. The preacher opens his Bible, and begins the marriage ceremony:
“We are gathered here today to join these two people in holy matrimony. Polly-Ann Princess, will you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to conquer, to mold into a perfect Christian and to see to it he is a perfect father?
Will you be with him till death do you part, as long he at least tries to make more money than he does now? After all, he is expected by the church to be the sole provider. Anything else would be a violation of our core beliefs. The elders will be happy to find him a second or third job so he can tithe and still provide you with a new house, a new car, and a trip to Disneyland for the kids every year.
Do you promise to love and obey him as long as he reads his Bible every day? After all, this is his duty as the head of his household. He must project to his family Godly leadership without fail. If he is lacking in this role, I and my staff at the church will be sure and castigate him in front of you. If this doesn’t work, I or any one of the elders will be happy to mentor you one-on-one, especially since you are so darn pretty.
Do you, Polly-Ann Princess, take this under-achiever, to have and to hold as long as your friends in this church say it’s okay to be with him? Do you agree to dump him if he does not display all the attributes of our Heavenly Father? Do you agree that leaving him, later on, maybe what’s best for the kids? After all, you may find that the elder who has been mentoring you is much Godlier, and you will be more than justified in running off with him instead. Don’t worry, no one (including I) will ever say anything. It’s your business what you do with your marriage. Always remember that your happiness is paramount above all.
Do you, Polly-Ann Princess, agree to take him for all the child support you deserve as a modern woman in America? Do you agree that twenty-percent per kid is a paltry sum, considering all the trips to Disneyland and video games your children deserve? Do you agree to not feel guilty taking this guy for a ride for the next ten years? Do you agree that it is okay to remarry six months later to a godlier man who has more money and better looks than this loser?”
At which time, Polly-Ann Princess looks into the groom’s eyes with reverence and says, “Oh, I do, I do.”
“We are gathered here today to join these two people in holy matrimony. Polly-Ann Princess, will you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to conquer, to mold into a perfect Christian and to see to it he is a perfect father?
Will you be with him till death do you part, as long he at least tries to make more money than he does now? After all, he is expected by the church to be the sole provider. Anything else would be a violation of our core beliefs. The elders will be happy to find him a second or third job so he can tithe and still provide you with a new house, a new car, and a trip to Disneyland for the kids every year.
Do you promise to love and obey him as long as he reads his Bible every day? After all, this is his duty as the head of his household. He must project to his family Godly leadership without fail. If he is lacking in this role, I and my staff at the church will be sure and castigate him in front of you. If this doesn’t work, I or any one of the elders will be happy to mentor you one-on-one, especially since you are so darn pretty.
Do you, Polly-Ann Princess, take this under-achiever, to have and to hold as long as your friends in this church say it’s okay to be with him? Do you agree to dump him if he does not display all the attributes of our Heavenly Father? Do you agree that leaving him, later on, maybe what’s best for the kids? After all, you may find that the elder who has been mentoring you is much Godlier, and you will be more than justified in running off with him instead. Don’t worry, no one (including I) will ever say anything. It’s your business what you do with your marriage. Always remember that your happiness is paramount above all.
Do you, Polly-Ann Princess, agree to take him for all the child support you deserve as a modern woman in America? Do you agree that twenty-percent per kid is a paltry sum, considering all the trips to Disneyland and video games your children deserve? Do you agree to not feel guilty taking this guy for a ride for the next ten years? Do you agree that it is okay to remarry six months later to a godlier man who has more money and better looks than this loser?”
At which time, Polly-Ann Princess looks into the groom’s eyes with reverence and says, “Oh, I do, I do.”
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